Jealousy and Fatigue

I cannot explain how many women on my facebook and blogger are pregnant or have babes in their arms. At times it makes me feel like I am a good luck charm for others but myself...I cannot get pregnant. I am a jealous person. I have talked to so many people who thought they were having issues getting pregnant to get pregnant only the next month or the same month, I have talked to those who thought they were going to miscarry only to now have a baby in their arms. It makes me disgusted some days that women my age have three or four children and all I want is one. I waited, used protection..and now I get to wait and TTC with medication and learn or more medical issues. It breaks me down and makes me feel ridiculously jealous of all they get to experience.

But so is God in other ways, "He is jealous for me. Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree. Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy. When all of a sudden I am unaware of this affliction eclipsed by glory and I realize just how beautiful you are And how great your affections are for me."

God loves me and is jealous about the attention and the craving I have for my future babies over him.

Yet, do I change it? Nope. I stay stuck in my little rut feeling sorry for myself, wishing and waiting and crying out to God.

I need to admit to myself, now might not be the best time with everything else going on in my life. But the hope stays alive.

I need to admit: I don't have a relationship with God like I used to. I don't pray without ceasing, I don't thank him for all the little things I used to. I am a mess of a christian woman.

I undestand and can usually read about the women that are pregnant after infertility but those on facebook that are pregnant and complain about the little things? They drive me buggy.

I will be honest I took progesterone last night. I have been spotting since 11dpo and am currently 14dpo. This happened the cycle I got a very faint BFP and then days later got a BFN from beta. I am hoping the prometrium will help me hold onto the pregnancy if I am indeed am pregnant.

I am exhausted. Stress and lack of sleep have caught up with me, on top of my usually fatigue during the 2ww. Progesterone + me = one sleepy sleepy woman every month.  I have seriously slept 14.5 hours of sleep in the past 24 hours. And I am tired again. This could be from the prometrium. Or the fact I think I had a small bought of the flu. I haven't had the poopies in at least 8 hours now. So I would vow to say it is over.

But I have to work, and my house is a mess. It may have to stay a mess so I can sleep more. I am going to eat some cocoa wheats.

Small update on DHS...they FINALLY called me back after 3 voicemails leaning on the verge of being plain rude. Conclusion: my name isn't on the investigation, so I can know nothing. I won't know when it is complete. And I have to contact Aunt K to get full custody of M. Just what I wanted to do. He needs to start counseling.

Update on M's court date: after 5 hours in a packed hot waiting room with lack of seating for everyone we got a conclusion. A pink slip that says restitution for stolen item should be paid if the man requests it, 15 days in jail, and probation. All because of his juvenile record. Once going in front of a judge they decided that he needed to do counseling to decide for sure his sentencing. I sincerely hope that he will open up, explain the situation, that he is living with us now instead of his crazy/lazy mother. ((EDIT: I just saw on his pink slip that the counseling is $125 due upon counseling date. Holy Shiza.))

Update on school: I have orientation on the 10th. And classes start the 17th. I am nervous. Work still isn't agreeing to work with my schedule. I am going to talk to human resources today hopefully and ask about switching to weekends only. It was offered to me when I started, but declined because I wasn't sure when I was going to be starting the RN program. I didn't want to be stuck on 2 weekends on 1 off for two years before I started the RN program. I am nervous about being able to focus on school and finances with all the additional medical bills lately.

UGH!!!!! I am jealous of those that all of this comes easy to them, but thankful God sees me worthy to take this all on, with faith I am strong enough with Him by my side. I am exhausted of all the stress on my body, emotion, mental aspects, and with everything in general.