Freak Out

Ok so I did my nursing orientation yesterday. Holy toots was it a little overwhelming. Okay, A LOT overwhelming. I had 2.5 hours of sleep and had to sit through 5 hours of information pertaining to the program.

Facts like:

They want us to only work 10-15 hours a week for the first trimester.
HA! I do NOT have the funds to just work one or 2 days a pay period every week. Lets face it, it may have to happened towards February and through May but I will not let our finances go down the shitter due to school. If i have to work my ass off on little sleep, that is what will have to happen.


They want us to study 3 hours a week  for every credit hour, but because of how shortened the first class is she said to make it like 6 per credit hour..
FYI this means for the first five weeks I should be studying 12 hours a week for the first class. And then for the rest of the semester 18 hours a week. They had us break down the hours in a week and subtract everything to see how much time we had left for "personal activities" basically LIFE. IT was kind of eye opening: I may fall off the face of blogger.


I honestly don't know what I got myself into. With adding M to my plate, school, and looking further into my infertility issues...I don't think the stress ball they gave us will be enough to relieve the stress. I seriously think I am going to have to join the gym so I can just exercise away any anxiety and worry pertaining to life in general.

So I am freaking out about school, but also feeling a slight pity party/depression over all things fertility. I jokingly say things like, "Well God decided he doesn't want me to be a Mom" when people tell me they are now ttc. Just because I am like really? Your cigarette smokinng lazy butt is trying to get pregnant? And probably will be successful but my husband and I who have been ttc for a year and a half cannot even have ONE child together? How is this fair God? I mean seriously? I don't get it. I understand that I probably would do better in the nursing program without the added "stress" of having a child. But I feel quite unloved by you at times for the holding back on what my heart desires. I know that you know what is best for me, but it doesn't make ANY sense to me when I see co-workers getting pregnant, people who in high school were drunk sluts, and quite honestly the amount of people they tell me "it was an accident/surprise" At times I seriously think, what the hell did I ever do to deserve this?

The one thing in life I want to be is a mother. The ONE thing that I don't know if I could do without, is hearing a little one call me mommy, and not having it be on accident. My heart cries out every day that I see little kids or pregnant bellies. It just doesn't seem fair at all. And to my fellow IFers that are pregnant at the moment. Know this post isn't about you, in my jealous fit of rage and depression I may avoid your blogs, but know I am So incredibly happy for you. Because you too know the pain that sitting in my shoes causes your heart.

I often wonder if I will still be wearing the tread bare shoes of infertility for years to come. And that thought shakes me to the core. I would love for biological kids to come before adoptive children so they will never think they are second best, but honestly I cannot accept the fact at this point that adoption will be the only way we will every grow our family. Not until we have tried everything else. And to me this includes IVF. My husband on the otherhand...he would be content with just saving up for adoption now I think.

I really need to take my mind off TTC and focus on paying off debt and learning to live life in the present again. I am not the best woman to be around at times lately. I need to fall back in love with God's word and allow Him to give me peace about my current situations. And stop worrying about EVERYTHING.

 think I am neurotic. Some one save me from myself. Once we have taxes back, this fat chica is joining the gym. I will meet my goal of losing at least 10% of body weight this year. (I know high goal haha, but I wanted to 100% be able to obtain it...). 20 pounds...I can do this! If anything, it will help the health heart and hopefully help with my mood and all things pertaining to ttc. 180 lbs here I come!