Grief and Anxiety.

I have been very sad lately. Depressed maybe, but anxiety has definitely taken over my life as of lately.

I want so deeply for the A & M issue to be solved, for A to be with my Mom instead of Aunt K, for M to get into counseling and be able to open up emotionally more. For him to realize that he needs to put more effort into school.

I yearn to see another positive pregnancy test. My heart aches at the thought of being done ttc for awhile. Because honestly, it doesn't make sense to me to stop. I have a 50% chance of carrying to term, without factoring in my clotting disorder or miscarriages. I should have still had a 20% chance each cycle to get pregnant. But now I have one tube. One. So now I have a 10% chance. Mixed with PCOS crappy ovulation. haha I feel up against a wall. I am not ready to accept we will not experience pregnancy and hold a healthy baby in our arms.

I am going to the fertility seminar next week at this time, I am excited and anxious. It would be LOVELY to find out my insurance will cover some medicines, and possibly IUI. James is okay with me going. I told him I just want to know what will be recommended.

Friends, I really hope one day in the future it will be me that is able to announce my pregnancy to friends and family. To post updates on facebook. I want to see the excitement and joy on our parents faces when we tell them the gender of their new grand baby (after delivery! haha). I want to see them hold them close as a new born. I want to see my husband talk to my belly, and see his reaction when he realizes he is a daddy.

I am afraid I will never experience these things.

And it terrifies me.

I will be honest, I pretty much have given up hope of giving birth to a 2012 baby.

I am still praying for May 2012 to hold some sort of significance because of my Prayer Doodle.

So far half of it has began to come true. The part on the right has began to be true. I have been accepted into the RN program, and am beginning the Spring semester this year. The part of the left we can kind of say was true. After September's cycle, October 1st there were lots of tears, but were paired with a sad face and not a happy face. Failed cycle :-( Followed by false hope in November.

So I am still hopeful for the tears of joy with two dark pink lines. I don't even care if two babies do come out of it. I would be content and satisfied with one healthy little baby. But the logical part of me says...ummmm Jessica *snap snap* wake up, back to reality.

Another thing, I think I must change towards people once they get pregnant or have babies. I don't mean to but friends I see in real life, and those I used to talk to (not guilt tripping anyone at all!) once they get pregnant they fall off the face of the earth. Part of it probably is days like today I can't deal with it without tears forming in my eyes. I keep thinking that a couple of our close friends will announce any month now that they are on to baby number two. How will I feel then?

Ok I am done with the pity party. I didn't mean to go there...but it happened. I am going to be asking my doctor about finding an anxiety pill that is safe for use when ttc. And I am going to join the gym by the end of February (would love to join by the end of January but probably won't happen).

I need to end on a positive note.

So here it is: my work has continued to pull out medical premium for insurance in spite of me canceling. SO I will either get an extra 168 dollars back, or be able to take our 865 dollars we owe for all of our procedures down to less than 200 with doubling up on insurance. So it depends if they truly canceled it properly OR did they just forget to stop pulling it out? Either way I am excited. The extra money would help me be able to join gym in January and pay off some debt, having insurance would lower the bill. So either way it is a win win for me.

ALSO...my next pay check will be pretty short BUT guess what? I have 5 nights off in a row!! Unless they call me in. Which would be okay, because I could use the time and a half or double time! :-)