Often things strike my heart and want to come bursting forth. They come spilling out onto the page, or computer screen. With ink filling pages or my fingers flying across the keyboard, my mind going a million miles a minute, and my heart crying out to be heard. Here is where you’ll find those things, my little notes on life.
First and foremost, I am a Christian woman: I love Jesus! In this blog you will find stories of trying to conceive with PCOS, MTHFR, Poor egg quality, a unicornuate uteterus, and too many babies in heaven. It is a good thing God is the ultimate healer! Here you will find praise! and you may also find venting (I'm not perfect...) and you will find other stories of my crazy life. All the while through this journey I am holding on to scripture & hoping to one day be a mother here on Earth (waiting on God & His perfect timing...why am I so impatient?) But in the meantime, here you will find me: Jessica, loving wife, hopeful heart of a mother, and faithful friend.
All writing in this blog is unedited and 100% from what I am feeling at the time. By continuing to read it means that you will take my vents with a grain of salt. You will choose to not take offense. And most of all, if you know me in real life you will either choose to stop reading or keep the knowledge of this blog quiet, and privately allow me to know you are reading. I only share this information with close friends. I do not share this with facebook for a purpose: it is meant to be semi-private. Not "public" knowledge in the sense of the majority of those in real life knowing about it. If you can accept all that has been stated, sit back, grab a box of tissues, and be prepared to endure the rocky road of trying to conceive while trying to get out of the shadows of infertility.
If you have any private questions or concerns you may contact me at mynotesonttc at gmail.com
I took another test today. Bfn. Really shouldn't surprise me...but I really am an addict. I am not going to test for another couple days AT LEAST.
I also have been doing something else completely stupid, taking my bbt. I haven't in a LONG time, so I only can go by old cover lines and old charts. Regardless...I did it. 2 or 3 days now. And it is well abover 98.0 still. 98.30 today. But my temp throughout the day has been high too. 99.6 at one point. I am a 97.5 girl usually. And most of the day I was running 98.6, except the one time where it was high high. I feel fine so I don't think it is a cold. But who knows. Maybe that explains my sinus issues.
Or...maybe, just maybe...I am pregnant. Only the next few days will tell. It is crazy to think I am on CD 31 and only 11dpo because of how late I ovulated. I did look back though 2 out of 3 times I have gotten pregnant it was with me ovulating past cd16, more like 18.
One other thought, I can't wait to have a little one that I can dress up and take trick or treating...and take out the yummy treats that I like. I am craving butterfingers, giant chewy sweet tarts, and smarties. Might have to raid my sisters candy bags tomorrow....
First of all my sinuses have been driving me NUTS. I normally do not have any allergy issues this time of the year, so I don't think it is that. But will soon start taking allergy meds. For example, I have felt like I need to sneeze for the last 3 hours. When laying down trying to nap I was completely stuffed up, last night at work I had a runny nose. No joke. All of the above. Dr Google lets me know that all things sinus could be pregnancy related. And thus driving me further crazy.
On that note, I am not testing (or trying not to) until November 5th if AF doesn't come.
Computer problems? I couldn't get the internet to work earlier. I needed to sign up for classes. This made me CRAZIER with anxiety. I called my sister and she tried logging on, but it didn't work for her. Told her to try again later. FINALLY I got our internet to work, and I officially am now a nursing student starting the spring semester.
YAY, now hopefully other good news will come quickly too! :-D
I vow not to test until I am within a day of my period coming, and if possible will wait until I am late.
Reasoning for this decision? Looking back I am usually 16dpo before I get a positive test. I had small hopes inside of me that I would find out sooner and it would mean a healthier pregnancy. I know that is ludacrious. So I need to stop giving myself heartache, and stop wasting money on stupid tests I pee on. Then throw away.and yes, that is my final decision. I would love to say no ifs, ands, or buts...but I am human. Though I do plan on trying my hardest to stick to this plan.
Symptom spotting? Still crampy, VERY VERY emotional (don't know if it is because I am tired from lack of sleep or hormones....but I teared up while watching Dog Whisperer...every episode pretty much. Not normal for me.) I couldn't sleep today. I woke up constantly during the few hours of the measely sleep I got. I slept for 1.5 hrs in am, then 330 to 420, 430 to 630 and 630 to 830. Needless to say, I am EXHAUSTED. So is sleeplessness a symptom...idk! But it can go awake at any minute.
I am breaking out like crazy, definitely is the progesterone (I think...) because I usually only breakout around ovulation and then slowly clear up. But the pimples are staying.
Ok done obsessing and off to work. Dreaded work. I have tomorrow night off at least, and plan on staying up late so I can sign up for classes! Wooohoo! =D
On top of being super emotional my body is playing tricks with my mind. I still have cramps. Like af is going to be here any minute type, or maybe just pressure at the moment.
So I mentally start to tell myself, if your period comes it will be okay. You will survive. You can do the hsg and just pay slowly on it if finances aren't where they should be.
And then a little voice creaps in, one of hope (I think). That reminds me...you thought you were going to start your period when you were pregnant with Sam...the one baby you got to SEE. You were emotional (check), had headaches (check), had af type cramps (check), and your temps were high (ok can't say check because I haven't been doing them...except I did yesterday. And it was 98.29 after 3 hrs of sleep and then 98.28 after 5 hrs of sleep...higher than my normal temps in the past...but I do not know what coverline was for this month).
Then I remind myself how hard the months are when I am convinced I am pregnant, that hope swells so deeply inside of my chest.....and how freaking hard it is when my period comes, when a new cycle of disappointment awaits.
Tonight a resident at work asked me "Do you have kids?"
"Nope."
"Good for you. Means you can sleep."
"Did I ask you...do you have kids?"
"Yup. And we don't. We want them, but it hasn't happened for us yet."
"Oh it will sweetie"
Inwardly I was thinking, "Really has God told you it will for us? Because honestly I don't know if I have heard that clearly from him!"
It was a hellish night, one resident set off her alarms at least every half hour and would go to the restroom every 45-1hr. Made for one REALLY long night. I almost cried out of frustration. I literally was in her room every 5 minutes last bedcheck. I couldn't get ANYTHING done. And we didn't have an extra. So I was on the go from 4 til 630am.
Relax I know. Deep breaths, it is over. I am super thirsty, and definitely in need of a shower. So that is where I am headed, after I wake up my husband.
Have I mentioned lately that he is my hero? He is working at his other job today. He is such a hardworking man. I am so thankful to have him as my husband.
I have cried more in the past 2 days than the past month (ok since AF came at least).
Another blog I follow just got her bfp. She is pursuing international adoption. And just got her bfp today.
On sad news, the blogger friend that I posted about earlier (Pursuit of Pregnancy by Lisa) she is in the midst of her 8th miscarriage. My heart breaks for her.
God I don't understand why ttc is SO hard. You do give us hope by showing us miracles can happen with other women, but what about those of us that are still praying and waiting. And trusting. We are left to feel like we are in the desert lands. Like you are ignoring our voice, holding back blessings and instead allowing us to feel pain of unknowing, of barreness, of child loss. Since walking this path I can promise I won't take motherhood lightly, I will do my best to not complain while being pregnant if it happens. If. If it happens, IF-infertility. God we are waiting on the if. On when it will happen for us. It breaks our hearts as we hope month after month, year after *gulp* year. Please continue to give us courage, faith, and strength to face another day. Keep hope alive in our hearts, and most of all...bless us all who yearn with children.
I couldn't hold back when they told me my progesterone number. I was estatic about the 25 last month. Well this month I am at 30.76!!!!!!! Holy Toots! I am oh so more hopeful and wishful for this cycle. I am cramping across abdomin still though...so who knows?
Tears from a movie
Ramona and Beezus. It made tears flow like crazy. Spoiler warning!! When Picky Picky died is when my tears flowed basically til the end of the movie offf and on. I thought about what it would be like burrying our pets. Brings tears to my eyes even now. =( also the little girl reminded me of my youngest sister. She has a large imagination like Ramona. It was a very cute movie and I highly reccomend it. I might even have to buy it.
I have kind of been slacking on my vitamins. (And have missed occasionally my bp meds...whoops! But hasn't affected it much so that is good). I make sure I take 1 of my fish oils (mostly because it has vitamin D in it and I definitely need it because of winter coming), my baby aspirin, my multi (out of prenatals need to pick them up), and a couple of the folic acid.
I napped today. Was so sleepy, we had 6 hrs of sleep. But it definitely wasn't enough. I don't count this as a symptom anymore simply because I think the increased progesterone makes me more sleepy in general. Pregnancy or no pregnancy.
I watched baby story again today. This woman had 2 miscarriages before she got pregnant with her second baby. What is with the baby stories being about couples who have struggled? It makes me that more emotional when watching, and that much more hopeful.
James said something to me that made me not know it I wanted to laugh or cry. He was watching the show with me and I commented on how amazing the umbilical cord is. He looked at me disgusted and said, "Jessica, I am eating. And you are making me watch a baby get yanked out of a woman's belly" (it was a csection..). I again said, "So? It is amazing!" (I was eating too and it didn't bother me...). And then he said it. The comment that I laughed at, but it really hit me. "Jess, its not like I am going to sit there eating M&Ms while you give birth. If you ever get to experience it...." I laughed because of the M&Ms and joked saying, "Don't worry I won't either. They don't let laboring women eat."
But inside I was saying, Oh God please let me experience a healthy pregnancy soon. Even James is questioning so deeply now. Let it be our turn soon. The reality of my husbands words, the raw emotion behind it...it hurt. We are hurting God. We are asking for one blessing...a miracle of life. Please don't ignore our cries.
I will update later today on my progesterone level. But for now I need to get to the lab before it closes.
Sometimes isn't good for me to watch. Baby Story and Making Room for Multiples both make me cry. Yet I still continue to watch because the miracle of conceiving and delivery is so amazing.
The two episodes I watched today the couple had issues ttc. Both couples ended up doing injections matched with IUI. One couple had a single baby, and the other had triplets. Part of me wonders if we should go forward and find a RE that would assist with conceiving.
BUT I am praying we won't have to go to that next step. At least at this moment, if we need to for a future child I would 100% be okay because it would mean I would be done with school a better paying job.
Currently my cramps definitely remind me of AF. I am 6dpo. Tomorrow is the true test...did I ovulate well? Too bad how high the progesterone is can't tell you if you are pregnant or not.
I did get my hopes up, I decided to use an OPK to see where I was at with that. And it was at least half the shade of the control line. I can't wait to see if it gets darker. That was the first thing that clued me in on mmy last chemical. But this time I pray I will have a baby that wants to stick around to actually meet mommy.
So cramps, headaches, sneezing/tickle in nose, and being irritable are definitely my symptoms thus far. But it all seems too early, and makes me wonder if it boils down to clomid and allergies.
*sigh* I am so hopeful, and almost in the one week wait. I told ya this was going to be a very long tww.
At church we watched 2 videos, I will try to find the first. In the meantime, this is the setting. A woman has a chair and is trying to give it to God, signifying giving control. Kind of like the "driver's seat". They go through, back in forth of her trying to take the chair back, and then giving it back to him. It was good.
But the one that got me the most is this video. Watch it! It made me cry, I will explain why in a second.
God made me who I am. Sometimes this line can be a cop out. An excuse for our bad traits that God would want us to work on...think lack of mercy, you're "spunky" so swearing is okay, not using your filter because you are "outspoken", your family has been overweight, so why not continue on that path...it is "who I am". I know the excuses, because I use them too.
I do not think of myself as a masterpiece. And then this video reminds me, I am created in God's image. He created me. Infertility and all. Infertility. I am a masterpiece. He allows for it to impact me, for reasons I may never know. He may want to work through other things in my life via it..."chisel" other issues away. He may be using it to help me reach others. But in this moment, I have to remember I am a masterpiece. One that is forever in an ongoing process.
If we are not moving towards God we are moving away. This is where I was going for the last few months, away from God. But like the prodigal son I am ready to run back into my fathers arms. Even if it means more pain. But I seriously pray that soon I will experience joy and abundant blessings.
Scripture that I have been leaning on lately...
Psalm 37:4 "Take delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."
I am working on delighting in the Lord more, and waiting for him to give me the desires of my heart. Or to change the desires so they fit into His plan for me.
Psalm 27:14 "Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord."
Wait. Patiently. Patiently wait. Wait patiently and be brave. Be brave and courageous as you wait patiently for the Lord. Oh boy. I haven't been good at this lately. Can a woman wait patiently for 15 months? While waiting in a baby filled world, when a baby won't grow in her belly? I will be working on being more patient. I think God has definitely given me a huge lesson in.
Jeremiah 1:5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you. Before you were born I set you apart!"
Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path."
Not only did God know me before I was born. He knows my future children and my babies in heaven. So, all I can do is wait patiently and lean not on my own understanding. And remember to follow this last scripture...one that I have faltered on in the past.
Hebrews 10:35-36 "So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that he has promised."
God, I know your ways are not my ways, and your thoughts are not my thoughts. But this is my way in trusting you. This is my way of trying to follow you. I will do my best God, as long as you continue to hold me up. And forgive me when I fail.
This song kept playing in my head during the service. But mostly just the line that says, "Redeemer, my healer, Lord Almighty, my savior, defender, You are my King!
I am only 1 or 2 dpo and I have to tell you I have been sneezing A LOT. I know for some women it is a sign of early pregnancy, but I wouldn't think it would be so early.
Crampy also. And I know clomid had to of worked because my nipples have been painful off and on. I am ready to be off the ttc journey.
Please God give me my BFP? Please. I feel like I am pleading. Praying and begging for your blessing, and for you to say yes. Kind of like a teenager trying to go to a party, or a child asking for a toy...they get upset when their parents say no. But it is worse, because I fear that you won't bless us. That you won't allow me to experience pregnancy. God it is so much more than instant gratification from seeing a BFP. It is seeing the baby grow via ultrasound. Getting to see my belly grow big and round. It is about getting to be a Mommy. Geting to be the one they run to with their boo boos. Being the one that can calm their tears. Being able to teach them about you and your son Jesus. Seeing them grow up. Seeing my husband finally get to take on the daddy role. Getting to have our first child. You know the desires of my heart. You can calm my anxious fears. You can bless us Lord, you know the plans for my future. And I am asking, knocking, and waiting for you to say yes.
I have a feeling this is going to be a long tww. Oy vay.
I should be sleeping at the moment. I have to work tonight. I slept from 8-1130 this morning, so I got a good solid 3.5 hours. All I need is another 3 and I should be solid (Right? Right. Hopefully.). If not nap time will come on my break.
Why haven't I been sleeping? Well I wanted to take a bath, and let me tell you it was WONDERFUL. Warm and relaxing. I made cupcakes (so much for dieting...). I did November's budget. Which I fully plan on following 100%. And started on Decembers.
I am hoping that they will have to change due to an increase in funds. I am going to be signing up for some overtime, I need to get my occurances down at work and the extra money will be well worth lack of sleep. Hopefully the weather will turn around and James will have more favorable weather to help out at the second job. AND hopefully James will get a call within the next week pertaining a new job opportunity.
And then hopefully he will get it. Getting it would mean days for him (meaning dinners together every night!) and a pretty good sized pay raise. Here's to crossing fingers and praying!
Update on TTC? Currently 1dpo (at least that is what I am calling it). And got to BD today again. Used cup and conceive plus. Here's to hoping the sperm meet up with the egg and it implants carefully and safely. I prayed in the 20 minutes I laid there afterwards with my booty up that they would get there in time. We shall see...officially have 14 more days until I should know if this month worked.
Update on cleaning? House is looking pretty good, but it always gets worse before it gets better so we shall see how good it is after tomorrow night's cleaning escapade that I have planned. I have been sorting through a huge tote of baby clothes, so I currently have 2 FULL totes and clothes on top that would equal about a half of one. I am half way through the huge box. I think I am going to need some more totes! Holy toots!
Okay, well sleep is calling. Time to call Jack Jack inside and then bedtime for bonzo.
I have been having some ewcm and started having cramping near right ovary. On a whim I decided to test.
And I got a blazing positive.
Serious! So now we have to make sure we BD in the morning to make sure we catch the egg.
Good thing I tested, because I was going to go in on 21 or 23 for progesterone test, and it would have been a huge waste of my time and money. Now I can wait until the 27th to test. AND not test too early. Because now AF should be here November 3rd or 4th not October 30th or 31st.
I am not going to lie, this month makes me anxious and hopeful. Last Oct I got pregnant for the first time. I had my first positive on the 13th (or close to then). I am hoping this year I will have the best birthday ever and get a bfp, and then get to see the little baby's heart beat. Dreaming...*sigh* soon, I think. I am full of hope.
Money money money. Does anyone have a money tree? Seriously, things are super tight. Definitely was the grasshopper and not the ant this year.
I can't wait to one day be debt free, but at the moment it just isn't happening. We are getting a loan to get a pellet stove so supplement heat. Currently we have been using a little electric heater, and let me tell you...it has been the little engine that could. Definitely is doing it's job in the living room. It hasn't shut off though, and I am a little nervous to see our electric bill for next month (eeek).
Also, medical bills keep coming in. I am almost ready to be done ttc simply so the medical bills will stop coming. No joke. I paid $70 today, and have around another $200 to pay (maybe more...?). James wants a gun barrel. Which would be worth it if he gets a few deer this hunting season. I am praying it pays off. He is working his butt off most days so we can get a savings and his gun barrel.
I got a paper in the mail stating that next month starts me paying on student loans again, that is laughable. So I have to wait to sign up for classes and tell them I am signed up for classes starting in the spring. I have a feeling I am going to be sick of being on the phone with people.
I have to call the hospital's billing department to see if they can tell me the other fees for a hysterosalpingogram (hsg). The billing lady with my Ob's office said that the hsg itself is $105, but could be more depending on whatever else the hospital bills. SO in other words, the hsg test, not the radiology, or use of hospital costs $105. Ugh. We shall see I have to call our insurance company too, maybe they will be able to enlighten me.
On notes about ttc? I should be 3dpo today. BUT guess what? I had some ewcm today again. So James and I are just going to continue our every other day pattern until AF comes most likely. I am not using those OPKs, next month (if I don't get pregnant this month!) I will have to buy from the dollar store or early-pregnancy-tests.com again. Because these wondolfs I bought SUCK!
Anyways, I need to vacuum and sort through a few things before napping. *Sigh* I am hoping to get some overtime next week. The extra money is well needed. Even though I hate working a double.
Seriously. I am sick of clutter at home. Sick of nothing being on the walls yet, in spite of almost living here a year.
As per facebook friends? I am sick of status updates that offend me off, sick of having friends on facebook that aren't my friends in true life.
So I have a plan for both. For facebook, I have deleted those "friends" that drive me nuts. And as per my house...I have a list through the end of November, one that will make my house be in tip top organized shape...or at least be more homey. My ultimate goal is to have it cleaned before I start class in January. And to be honest this cleaning and organizing reminds me of nesting for pregnant women. Except, I'm not pregnant. Yet. I am hopeful.
And then maybe I can truly call this cleaning spree nesting.
One other note, I never saw a positive OPK. So I changed my mind my progesterone test will be done on the 21st. The day the doctor initially wanted me to do it. Who knows. We have done all we can do. We have BD'd every other day. We have used the conceive plus (which I REALLY like by the way, I am sure I have said this before). I have put up my bottom for a bit after sex, and also used the instead cups. Not to mention I have dealt with the metformin (and the queasiness due to it...and because of this my doctor said I can jump down to the lesser dose). And now the doctor wants me to get an HSG. I am praying and hoping that we do not need to. We shall see, I know that the chance of pregnancy goes up the 3 months afterward.
But honestly, with winter here (facing the facts...it will be here soon) and the cost of fuel. The fact that we want to get a pellet stove. The fact that we do not have a savings at the moment. All of these things make a 400-500 dollar test kind of impractical. And would now be the time to go for it? 3 months after I would be more fertile. If by chance we did it next month, that means November, December, and January. Extending my month of ttc.
So currently, I do not know what we will do. I would rather wait to do the test. Probably until we can ttc again and use the full 3 months. I can't tell you if it will 100% be when I am in the nursing program. Or when done, or when almost done. Or if we will continue ttc. I haven't got a peace of when this is supposed to happen, and I am hoping it is because God is going to bless us this month. If so my due date would be early July. Which would be the middle of my second semester in nursing school. BUT, I would be out of my first trimester December 31st, before nursing school. I would be more comfortable telling the world. I would be more so out of the woods for the scary m word. (I'm assuming you can guess that word...miscarriage). I would also get to hear the heart beat before my birthday. That would be amazing.
Would I be okay with having to wait a year to continue? Yes. But I am hoping that I would be okay. She-who-must-not-be-named told me that the instructors worked with the girls in her nursing class that had babies in class. Being a pretty good student, I would think most instructors would work with me. I will cross that road when if I get there I suppose.
Want to know something else? When we first started ttc it was on our terms. We wanted a baby before I started nursing school. And to have our second when I was done. We had a plan. Just like people would say that they want to avoid having babies at a certain time. Avoiding certain months, or shooting for a specific birth month. Just like people that specifically try for one sex or another...and succeed. We all have plans. Plans that don't always happen the way we wish. And my plans now? Is there really any? Not really. It is all unknown, it's all in God's hands. Now I just crave for pregnancy. I don't care if it means that I need to procrastinate on school that I have been waiting on for 5 years already (ok so the first 3-4were spent being indecisive...). I don't care if it means being the biggest roundest part of pregnancy in the sweltering Michigan heat. I don't care if it means puking, constipation, and nausea during nursing classes. Or having a post pregnancy bump in my best friend's wedding. Or having to exchange bridesmaid dress last minute. Life goes on. God has a plan, and I can't change it.
What I can change is the cleanliness of my house. I can fold the huge pile of laundry. Make sure our wedding pictures get put up on our walls. Give away some of the baby clothes that have been waiting for close to six months now for a possible baby. Things have to change.
I tossed out the opks that were used and do not plan on testing with them any more this cycle. It is making me too crazy, too emotional.
I don't know what the future will bring. I don't know what the next months will bring, but I do know that in the moment...I am stressed and broken from trying to conceive.
We went to church today. And it felt so good to worship God. We sang Blessings by Laura Story. If you haven't heard it, you should youtube it. I broke down and cried...and cried.
And then had to go stand up front of the church with our good friends as they dedicated their baby to the Lord. We are so blessed to have them as our friends. Baby N is 3 months old already, and oh so cute! He is filling out, he has big blue eyes, and he let me cuddle him. I didn't want to let him go. His mom couldn't get him to fall asleep, but I did. ♥
I was walking around with the sleeping babe in my arms when A's mom asked me when we were going to have kids. I was honest. And said, "We've been trying for a long time now. We've had 3 losses, it has been a really long journey."
She appologized, and I told her that I find it to be easier most days to be honest when people ask. She told me how her sister couldn't have kids and the stress it put on their relationship. I can imagine. Oh boy can I imagine.
She then said that she would be praying in faith that sometime in the next year A & J would be coming to baby showers or to see our little baby. I hope so. Because I am aching.
And I am seriously done with my OPKs. So if anyone wants them send me an email and I will mail them to you. I'm not in control anyways. So we might as well just BD every other day and not stress.
I made James have a quickie with me before work, just so we could have BD'd on schedule. We got in a discussion about where we are going with ttc. Before, I had mentioned doing another medicated cycle and an IUI in December possibly. But after our last discussion I decided we should wait due to money.
Then James tells me he thought about it and prayed about it and he would be okay with it. We will play by ear, see how much we can have in savings, how much debt will be paid off by then. Or better yet, maybe I will finally have a strong healthy positive with a strong healthy baby growing before December rolls around.
That would be wonderful.
God, forgive me for doubting your goodness. For doubting your ability to make decisions in my life. Please continue to bless us as we look to you in faith. Guide our decisions. Help us financially. And most of all, help us to grow closer to you and closer to each other. Amen.
So take a peak at my photo, and tell me what you think. I have done one a day until today. Usually I start doing two opks a day at CD14, but due to work schedule and exhaustion I forgot.
My dilema...my darkest day thus far is 14. It is now getting lighter. Usual O day is the 16th. I did have pains near ovary on 14th...but it usually lasts a few days so I thought I was right on track.
This is my first month trying the wondolf opks also. So my first impression isn't the greatest! Even if it doesn't get darker tomorrow, and I did ovulate on the 14th we should be good. We have been BDing every other day since CD 8. So the sperm should be there to catch the egg. Unless the laughing incident really did push the winners out. Haha
That's right, incidents. James made me laugh again last time. He again called the instead cups my vagina plug. His exact words, "why don't you have your vagina plug ready before sex? I think you need a check list."
How romantic. I can picture it.
Sperm friendly lube? Check.
Vagina Plug ready? Check.
Pillows for under rump within reach? Check.
....you get the picture.
Not my idea of romance. Not my ideal way to ttc either.
James in all seriousness, is quite concerned about the laughing incident though. It was kind of cute actually. He looked at me while we were cleaning up the kitchen together this afternoon, and asked, "So do you really think the laughing could have caused too many sperm to come out? Do you think this month still has a chance? I won't make you laugh again." I didn't know whether to laugh at the memory of the vagina plug, or to cry due to how much James truly wants this.
We want to experience this, together. God is it in your plan for us? How long will we wait? Be still, be still and know you are God...I know, I know. *sigh*
I'm waiting God. And this is the still-est I can be I think. We have decided no other medical intervention at this time. Until we pray about it more. Until God gives us a clear answer, or a baby. Whichever comes first.
My first rememberance day with babies in heaven. I have known that this day was sometime in the month of October for awhile. I don't know why we never "celebrated" (for lack of better word?) this day when we were younger.
My aunt lost her baby at 21 days old. Samantha Jo. She died of SIDS. Today I remember her, and my babies.
They are in heaven together. Abbi, Sam, and our angel baby #3 (no name...sorry sweetie...).
I meant to light my candle today, but James and I napped longer than expected and woke up at 8. But the candle was lit in my heart, with every day that I remember you. Every day, of every month.
See this day, it is day is designed for the mass of people to band together and support those who have lost their babies, for mothers and fathers to remember their babies. BUT it is overshadowed, today is also sweetest day. Such a hallmark holiday, couldn't they pick a different date?
I called into work tonight, my body decided it hated me this evening. I don't know if it was nerves thinking about all today symbolizes, my metformin working like it does for most people, or a little stomach bug. It was nice to spend the evening with James, we watched the Tigers lose to the Rangers (I had such hope for them!).
Lisa from the Pursuit of Pregnancy has her BFP! Woooohooo! Her beta at 11dpo is higher than any number she has ever had. I SO pray this is her take home baby. She has had 7 miscarriages. Seven. I am a mess, and have only had the emotional ramifications from 3. I say only loosely....because it feels like too many as it is! Pray this baby sticks! That this will be her miracle take home baby (truly a miracle because a doctor told her that she and her husband would have to have a surrogate to have a child that was biologically both of theirs....her body attacks the baby as an invader. =( BUT our God is Jehova Rapha...all mighty healer. Our great doctor, and her condition could be healed!).
Hillary from Making Me Mom is pregnant also! She and her hubby had given up after IUI after IUI and other ART cycles. They moved on to adoption, just about to be matched with a woman...when boom! Surprise, hello pregnancy!
I am SO SOSOSOSOSOSO happy for these ladies. I am working on being still, and knowing that God is in control. But it isn't esy. In fact, it is ridiculously tough at times. Because mixed in with the excitement for them is also the curious wondering of if I will get to experience pregnancy around the same time as them. Will I get to experience a big round pregnant belly? I can't be sure.
Yesterday scripture did give me some peace. Jeremiah 29:11, Proverbs 4:5-6, Joshua 1:9 all came up in devotions. God has plans not to harm me, but to give me hope for a future. But I need to lean not on my own understanding, and allow him to direct my path. And also remember to not be discouraged, because God is with me always. And these trials are perfecting me.
God is shaping me. Even if I wish he would stop already! =) I have to learn that I am clay in his hands and to stop trying to mold myself. Because a slab of clay, remains just a slab of clay without the potters hands.
So this is me trying to rely on God more. I'm a work in progress.
Ok, so when I was put on metformin I was warned about having the poops. That didn't really happen. Grumble-y tummy a few times, yes. But no full out I need to sit on the potty forever. In fact, because I have dealt with the opposite in the past, I was kind of excited, thought it would make me more regular at least.
Wrong. False hope. I have been getting constipated. I usually go every day. Now it is like every 2-3 days. My tummy hurts, I feel nauseous, and I am kind of cranky. I sit on the potty forever...in hopes of my bowels deciding to finally make a move!
I feel like crap.
And to top it off I am all sorts of achy in my joints again. I think I might have to see about going off from this medicine, because I am not a fan at all. Doctors appointment next week, so we shall see what she has to say. Blah.
So we are on the every other day BDing schedule. And I am doing everything in our power to get the sperm to the egg. Sperm friendly lube, hips up after the deed, making sure the other O happens (lol...I have read it helps! And it certainly doesn't bother me none ;-) oh boy....sorry!). And have even started using the instead cups.
But I am wondering if I should. I have heard wonder stories, but...last night James made me laugh before I had hips up and before I had inserted the cup. (Story here? He called the instead cup, a vagina plug. Honestly, how could I not laugh?!) So a substantial amount of swimmers were given the eviction notice by the full out belly laughs, and squeezing muscles of my pelvic floor along the way.
I put my cup in and slep with it in for almost 7 hours. But I started to feel crampy like last time so took it out. Unlike last time, there was A LOT of semen in the cup still, and enough in me that I put up my hips again. Either my DH had a pleantiful supply or they aren't going where they should be.
I am hoping and praying for the first one. Lol swim sperm boys and girls, swim! Catch the egg, save her from her death! (Trying to appeal to at least the boys nature to rescue a damsal in destress...). Oh boy, I think I need more sleep.
Side note...if I said this already, sory. My coworker had a dream that I had a boy on the way. And when talking to a friend about giving some of my huge box of boy clothes away, she said to not give them away because when I do is when I will need them. I told her then maybe I should give them away, I need some good karma ;) lol *jk about the karma thing really, but I am going to help her out*. I told her she could always return the clothes to me when he outgrew them. So that is my plan for sometime before Sunday. To sort through baby clothes. And maybe wistfully look at the clothes in my pregnancy tote. God please let me soon be wearing them!
OK, so in case you were wondering these are what the top dress choices were. All are from David's Bridal, they will be hemmed to the knee if long, and will be in black (so I can definitely wear it again YAY!!).
The Winners
The one for not pregnant is the one I love the most, it has flattering flow of the fabric, the gems at the top are b-e-a-u-tiful, and my husband was like..."Ooooh THAT one!" ;-)
Obviously I would love to wear the one for being pregnant, if I was pregnant. It has ample amount of fabric in that front panel that could flow with a baby belly. It is cute, but I think it makes me look a little larger in general.
It is up to the fates to decide which one I will be wearing! Praying it is the pregnancy one, but if not...I will make sure that I look dang hot in the first one! :-D
I have to tell you, the one shoulder one definitely isn't me. I like the bottom of it, but the top...not so much.
The pick me ups is kind of cute, mostly because I am cheesing it up I think. But honestly, it was so BIG voluminous on the bottom.
And the last one? This is an 18, the 16 looked better on the top area, but I was too bloated in my tummy for it to look good there. Conclusion...not the dress for me.
Sadly, I might have to try on dresses again in December to make the final final call. Simply because I could lose weight and have one of the dresses fit better. We shall see....
On another note, to go to the chiropractor today or not to? I am thinking about calling and seeing when he would have an opening. I would love to go again before ovulation time, and tonight would be my only day off between now and then. Blah, I went once...hopefully it is enough. I am going to nap and then call to see how late he is open. If he has availability after I can shower and be there...then I am game.
Another BFP for a fellow blogger. I won't link to who because she hasn't posted on her blog yet, only on her facebook page. I have to say I am hopeful for her! She is 9dpo and got a Yes+ on a First Response Digital! Holy Toots!! AAAAhhhh =D I hope this is her sticky bean and doesn't end up being another loss. I'm praying so HARD for her, and you should too!
And for me. I am excited to lose some weight, and I am starting to be okay with the fact that it may be another 2+ years before we have children. Sure I will have good and bad days. I probably always will. I will always miss my babies until I get to heaven and get to see them and hold them in my arms myself. BUT, I have come to the conclusion that I need to better things in my life.
Like...
House Cleaning. Seriously, James and I are in talks about a chore chart. He is game. Now I just need to decide how to do one.
Bible Reading. I didn't know where my actual Bible was until recently. I have been using phone lately, a verse a day though...simply isn't going to cut it.
Worshiping God. I don't make enough time in my day to stop and worship God for who he is.
Our Savings. I am ready to do Dave Ramsey again. I am sick of living pay check to pay check.
My Prayer Life. I need to stop talking sometimes and listen more. I need to talk to him, and not get upset with his answers.
Reading (period). I need to read more. Classics, Christian Books, anything. I spend way too much time online surfing my ttc websites.
Exercise! I need to make time every day, every day. With maybe taking Sundays off. I want to be healthy and off of my blood pressure medicine.
My Health. Like I said, I want to be off blood pressure medicine. Save that 10 dollars a month. I want healthier number of my HDL cholesterol. I want to lose weight. I currently weigh 204 lbs (as of this morning) and have decided to make my first goal to be 180 lbs. After that? I hope to get down to 160 and see how I feel from there, potentially I could get down to 135 lbs...I don't think I've weighed that since elementary school.
My Appearance. I am sloppy. I will admit it. My eyebrows haven't been done in probably 2 months (they look like out of control caterpillars) and my mustache is growing in disgustingly. My clothes are often wrinkled, and I am lazy with my hair. I don't look closely in the mirror more than probably twice a day on average.
If my life is in this many shambles without children I am crazy to think it would get better with babies (though my heart would probably be content ♥ ). So while I am starting to prepare myself during my future wait to continue ttc (unless we get our miracle BFP within the next couple months!), I am going to be focusing on bettering my life, with God's help of course!
Today begins the first day of working 2 jobs for my hubby. He will be working 9am-2pm for a local farmer, and then from 2:30pm-12:30am (or later) at work. 15 hour days 5 days a week, plus Saturdays to follow suit here coming up.
I am going to miss my husband. And I can't help but think, "How the heck are we going to ttc with that schedule?" It is going to be tough. With our usual schedules it is tough. And this month I am determined to follow the sperm meets egg plan. Which means every other day, until +opk and we try that day, wait a day, and try again. The doctor wants us to continue every other day from cd 10-20. So we will add another couple days after the +opk.
Praying the sperm catch the egg this month! But if not we have 2 more months to ttc before we start preventing for awhile.
On another note, there has been drama at work. And I hate getting pulled into it. This girl I will name K is lazy, and is known to wait until last bedcheck to change people. So when last rounds came last week and she checked a few of our normal wetters, and she said they were dry red flags went up for my partner of the night, N. She gave K benefit of the doubt. Until a resident that K said she put on the bedpan said she hadn't been. Uh Oh. N was PISSED. So she double checked the other residents, and one was soaked. But the urine was warm, so I gave her benefit of the doubt on that one. Told N she probably was dry and K woke up her up turning her.
N couldn't take it, brought it to nurses attention. And walah instant cattiness between K and N. And me by default. So Sunday night, K is the extra helping N and I. Middle bedcheck comes around. She helped 1 while I finished our last resident (or what I thought was last resident). I saw K in with the bedpan resident, the one whom N had just checked a few minutes ago. I thought, "is she really going behind us?!?" Especially because she woke up residents we usually let sleep through the night. It was instant drama, so I told her that the next door resident was for sure checked. She should have asked if she was confused. And somehow K twisted my words to say that she was the only one done.
Add some yelling between the nurse, K, and N at the desk (at 3am when residents are sleeping mind you...) and you have the rest of the story. K said she was going to quit, but another nurse got her to stay. Ridiculous.
This made me realize I truly need to better my relationship with Christ. I need to be the light unto the world, displaying Christ's love. Not continuing the crabbiness and gossip. I am going back to the, "You can't control their actions" and "N, we've got it fixed so don't worry about it." When N starts to get pissed. Swearing has to go 100%. (It is getting better) And my Bible needs to have the dust wiped off from its cover. The time in my car is now going to be talk to God time, not my sister, or Mom, or friends. It is time to worship while driving, to pour out my heart. Not time to illegally text while driving (yes I know I am horrible) or day dream about random things.
Things are going to be changing. Quickly. Not just with my spiritual side, but also with our health. We are changing our diet starting Thursday. I am excited and hopeful. I plan on being less than 180 before the start of the new year. The struggle with getting under 200 is going to be over. I am ready to make the change, fear and stress will not hold me back. I can do this!
Later today I will post the photos from the dress trying on that made me want to lose some additional poundage. And point out the 2 dressed that entirely depend on whether or not a baby decides to grow healthy and strong in my uterus. Lol
I am bitchy. I can't shake it. And I feel like it is a cop out blaming it on the medicine. But this isn't normal every day me. Especially the week AFTER my period.
I am irritable, cranky, short with everyone, easily annoyed, etc you get the picture.
Yesterday when I went dress shopping for a bridesmaid dress it was all depressing. I have a dress picked out for "just in case" I get pregnant. And the one that I am going to shoot to lose weight for. Pathetic really. So December will probably be our last month ttc for awhile.
Plus the dresses made me feel F-A-T. Bloated and all. So if no baby I plan on being 180 lbs by Jennys wedding. 25 lbs in 8 months. Bring on the salads, grilled chicken, broccoli, and other delicious nutrious food. Good bye sweets. Good bye soda. Hello gym (soon I am hoping). Hello Zumba (need to make myself do dvds!).
James and I are ready to no longer be fat. Obese. Unhealthy. Disgusting. If I can't meet the goal of having a baby, we should at least have a tangible one. Maybe that is Gods plan, who knows.
I need to learn I can be happy with it just being James and I for now. Even if my heart cries when I see the pregnant woman on facebook. Even if my arms ache to hold a child that will one day call me Mommy. Even if I feel like a part of me dies when I hear of another positive pregnancy test.
Don't mind me in my sulking. I promise I will be better soon. I am so ready for this clomid to be out of my system.
On one high note. The worship was amazing, and it was nice seeing people that had previously left our church. We are going to try it for at least a month and pray about it. But I can see it becoming our church home.
And I have to admit, I cried during worship today. It is the first time I have truly worshiped God in at least a month. With arms in the air, tears running down my cheaks, and my heart out for God to heal.
I went to bed at 11:30 tonight. At midnight I realized I had contacts in still. So I got up.
Earlier I awoke from a bad dream of a psychotic heretic woman, who at first glance looked normal. She tried killing me. And everyone else that tried saving me, or I tried to get to save me.
THEN I had another crazy dream. Someone killed my baby. And turns out it was my sister Stacey. She came home saying she didn't due it but clues pointed to her and eventually she ran for it.
She would never kill a baby. And I NEVER dream.
It is now 1:45. 2 bad dreams in that short of time. Not normal.
I am going to put on the armor of God and get some good sleep.
We have church in the morning, and I refuse to go from being too tired from lack of sleep. And now, I am exhausted. So sleep is calling me.
My gray hair that was plucked is back. And now it is short and stubby and says heeeellllloooo when I part my hair in my normal spot. So now I am switching it up.
I don't want to die my hair, but seriously? Gray? Me. At 23. Ridiculous.
I can't say that it isn't well "deserved" with all the stress that life has placed on me.
On another note, I went to the chiropractor Friday. My back has been bugging me for a long while. It hurt to lay on my left side, weird...I know. He told me my pelvis was tilted, and I could believe it by all the noise my back and neck made when he manipulated my back! Now I am achy, but I truly don't know if it is from the chiropractor, not drinking enough water yesterday, increasing my metformin, or the clomid.
He did say that the pelvis being tilted could affect my fertility. So here's to hoping that the back cracking is all I truly needed to get my BFP and sticky little bean.
I have been thinking about getting a tattoo to remember my babies that we have lost. Currently I am thinking a cross with 3 butterflies. I think it will say "Forever Remembered". I will probably wait a long time to get it. Maybe one day I will sketch it out and show you all what I am thinking. There is another one I want too. And have wanted it for a LONG time. I have doodled it so many times.
Anyways, my bed is calling me. I am going to nap, so I can be energized to play games with my sisters tonight at my Mom's. Then church in the morning (Excited to try a new one!), and lunch for my Mom's birthday.
Time to shake the grumpies, nap time starts...NOW!
My clomid is kicking my butt this time around. Forget the hotflashes...this headache can leave at any moment. I already have cramps. Already, near my ovaries. AND the moodiness on top of all of this. Plus, tonight I get to up my metformin to 1,500mg. So my grumbly tummy will probably make another appearance. It had just disappeared too =(
Yet, it will be worth it if we get a healthy baby out of it all. And I am hopeful once again. OPKs and HPT are supposed to arrive today. Along with the book I ordered and our sperm friendly lube. Which by the way I am excited to try. This weekend I begin no allergy meds, mucinex, extra vitamin C, the every other day "appointment" and the use of instead cups to give his swimmers an extra leg up. I may even look up other helpers for cm. I am alreadyy on flax seed oil.
Have I mentioned how thankful I am for my husband lately? He is the one that got us taking vitamins, and he takes alll of his every day. We are like old people and both have vitamin pill boxes lmbo. He take an omega 3-6-9 and a fish oil pill, a multi vitamin, a super b complex, vitamin C, and vitamin D. He is superman to me =) Sweets are just his Kryptonite. They are for both of us. And we both are starting to get hopeful about changing that. Within next few months we anticipate healthier eatting, gym memberships, and smaller waists.
Ok, hopefully smaller for him and a gradually growing baby bump for me. =D If not, I would like to lose at least 15 lbs before January. Maybe 20 before Nursing starts. To be under 200lbs would be WONDERFUL.
Thankful Thought: I am thankful for good sisters. Tonight two of them are coming over for game night. And I hear they are going to help me pick up a little bit =D.
Intentional Living: Drinking more water. Not swearing is going well.
Reading? I didn't do so well today. A few small verses from Daily Bible app, and from my verse of the day email. I will read some Isaiah before I close my eyes for some shut eye.
Seriously tonight I was super irritable. I am trying to quit swearing again and my partner purposely was cussing every other word I swear.
She was on my nerves. Even when not swearing. Even when joking about usual things.
I was on the edge. Hormotional. (Hormonal + Emotional) And then once out of work I now feel like I could cry. Happy but bittersweet.
I think it is because my co-worker said and innocent comment to a resident, he asked if she was pregnant. And she replied, "Nope I am done having babies. Now we are waiting on Jessi."
And I have been wait for me too. But now it is the bittersweat time frame. I would love to get pregnant this month. I would be due in July (?). Middle of the semester. BUT...as I have said before. I truly think waiting to have a baby for 2 more years would be harder on me then having one when in nursing school. And if it gets too tough, I can wait a year and then continue again. Not a big deal to me. Honestly. What is a big deal is craving to be a mommy and God continuously telling me Not this month.
I don't know how I feel half the time. Numb. Bitter. Grieving. Hurt. Broken. I do have to say this, I am slowly coming out of the slimy pit. He is slowly washing me clean. And I feel a song starting to stir in my soul. One of hope and love and courage to continue on.
But there are still echoes of sadness, anger, and frustration. There are still parts that need to be purified.
I am going to try to focus on one intentional thing at a time. And work on being more thankful. AND make time to read at least a chapter in the Bible.
Intentional Living : Quit sweating. Will be an ongoing goal. But I will get there with my "Holy Toots!N And other little phrases.
Thankful Thoughts: I am thankful for clean water, and ice. Yum.
Reading? Lately, and probably for awhile yet! I have been reading in Isaiah. There have been some verses that stand out to me. I don't know it for sure...but something along the lines of "If you don't have a firm faith, you won't be able to stand firm" I will find it. Because it stopped me in my tracks.
I will be better. I am getting there. Diamonds aren't formed over night, and neither will my true beauty in Christ.
You guessed it, the hot flashes woke me up at 630. 4 hours after going to sleep.
The joys of Clomid. *sigh*
I am hopeful for an even larger progesterone # this time around. I wasn't on the metformin last cycle when I ovulated, so hopefully being on it this time around will help a bunch (maybe to get a bfp!).
What else woke me up? A dream. I never dream, and this one was weird. Definitely think even my dreams have been taken over by my ttc obssesions.
In my dream, I had just gotten over my period. When I got in a car accident. At the hospital they did blood work and told me, you've probably guessed it, "You're pregnant." So I was hysterical and explained my bleeding, that it wasn't possible. Yada yada yada. Her response, "Many women experience that when they have twins and one is lost." And sure enough, there was a healthy baby.
I'm not kidding I almost peed on a stick to see this morning. I resisted because I knew it would be a waste of money. And a little disheartened to see another bfn.
It also made me realize though, I need to stop getting down about testing early and such. I do it because the sooner I get on my blood thinners the better. And if that is 9dpo or 15dpo it doesn't matter. I will order cheap tests today, because if the excessive testing helps me hold onto a pregnancy...I will continue the heartbreaking sight of many bfn every month. With the hopes of seeing two pink lines of hope.
At 6:30 last night I awoke from a call from my husband. He had gotten a call from his dad. And guess what? My nursing letter was delivered to their house.
I am 99% sure I changed my address with the college, oh well...regardless, it came. I saw a big envelope. And I knew, before I had only received a smaller one.
I am in! I have a list of things to do. Get my Tdap, check titers/immunity, CPR for health care providers, background check, physical, get flu and Hepatitis B vaccine.
Blah blah blah. I am excited though, honestly.
Now the debate about ttc. I think we will go for it for this month, and maybe a couple after the clomid. Then if no pregnancy, then there probably won't be one until sometime in 2014.
Gah, I can't imagine waiting that long....I wanted to have baby 2 after nursing school. Boooooo.....
After not sleeping well last night, waking up at 630, calling the doctor, and waiting five hours before calling them again to assure I would at least make them think I had my prescription on CD 3, I got put on hold and then told to wait for the call. (wow long run on, sorry!)
Low and Behold...less than 2 minutes later, my phone rings. And my clomid is called in. Wow, that was SO hard. They were like, so you started your new cycle then? Uh yup, on CD 3 today. And with surprise and like...oh crap I wasn't going to call you today...."Oh cycle day 3 huh? I will make sure it will be ready by this evening." Yeah, thanks a lot. Same thing happened last month too.
Except this time? I am waiting until tomorrow to go pick up the meds. And I will be doing them CD 4-8. Shhhh don't tell the doctor. She says she has better results on 3-7. BUT all I care about is having one baby, if we get two woohoo. Earlier in the cycle seems to induce more follicles. Later in the cycle (like 5-9) seems to produce 1 or 2 really good follicles. All I need is 1 or 2 GOOD ones, I have faith that James's swimmers can get there in time, especially with the instead cup giving them a little extra help staying up there. :-D
Anyways, today I feel like poo. I have cramps galore, still darn heavy AF, AND got a bloody nose that drained into my throat (can you say nasty?). So my tummy feels cruddy, I haven't showered (and don't plan on it until waking up from my nap), and the mail hasn't came yet today.
So I am still waiting to find out about the nursing program. I have attempted to prepare myself for whichever answer it is. If it is yes! It means this month may be the last we ttc for a long while. It also means I will be due midway/towards the end of my summer semester. I have faith I will be good, if not then the no answer will be implied if I have to wait a year. If it is a Nope, we will continue ttc while I retake my anatomy and physiology classes. If it is the later, at least it will be a good refresher. And I got an A and A- first time around, so I would think second time around will be a breeze too...we'll see. I just pray I get in by 2013 so I don't have to retake chemistry. The thought of that makes me shiver (math and chemistry definitely are NOT my favorite classes).
Super Plus tampons are definitely my friend at the moment. I bought the tampax pearl ones so really they aren't THAT much bigger. But big enough I can go just barely 4 hours before having to run to the bathroom.
I have had quarter sized clots, or maybe dime sized grouped together...either way it is nasty. My uterus hates me, clearly by the heavy lining that has been sloughed off this cycle. People say I should be happy because I had a good lining for a pregnancy. But what is the point of a good lining without a pregnancy? I don't like this period from hell.
I alternated heating pad between back and abdomin all day yesterday. And thankfully had a thermacare one for on the go. Cramps are now starting to come back, I had from about 8-7 off from cramps, but now they are back with a vengence.
Yesterday we also went to see the movie Courageous. It is a christian film. And an amazing movie. I won't ruin it for you, but for me it took an unexpected turn of events and left my sister's, James', and my face wet with tears. And from then on the waterworks were turned on and off throughout the movie.
The acting is amazing. The plot line is really good. There isn't cheasy spots when they are putting Christ in the film. There are spots for laughter, tears, and sitting on the edge of the seat moments. And to top it off Courageous hit #5 for the box office. I would gladly go see
it again.
And it really had me thinking. I think I may have to do a personal study on what it takes to be a woman of faith. To be a good wife. To one day be a good mother.
It had me thinking after a pastor tells the main character he can either be angry with the time he missed, or blessed and thankful for the time he had. (Not giving ANYTHING away by this...because you don't know the context)
And it made me realize. I have been angry with God because of the time I have missed with all three pregnancies. Not thankful for my body being able to get pregnant. Not thankful for those short moments of hope and dreaming. Not blessed by the fact I have three babies waiting for me in heaven. I have been stuck in anger and bitterness. And believe me, I realize I am not going to shake that mud and muck off from me over night. Like quicksand it is going to try to suck me in the more I try to move about. I have given Satan a good foothold that I need to break free.
I am not perfect. I am broken. Flawed. Hurting, but God promises me freedom. Love. And ultimate healing of the heart. He never promises no pain, motherhood via pregnancy. He never promises me happiness. Just joy in Christ.
I haven't been joyful. I have some work to do. Even in my brokenness I need to find a way to fly on the wings of Christ.
Well I have had 3 hours of sleep (couldn't sleep last night because I slept all day preparing to go to work), and am about ready to get ready for church. But I have to be honest, I don't want to leave this heating pad.
I took an ibuprofen yesterday night and it didn't touch my cramps. super heavy flow. Going through super tampon in about 3 hours. Pads quicker because I can't take the nastiness of them. They just feel disgusting. The clots are disgusting too. I once got told that is what hurts to pass, the clots...that's what the cramping is caused by. I don't know how reliable this information is...she was a nurse. But I haven't checked it against Dr. Google (lol).
Anyways, I am hoping I have a thermacare to wear today because I am hurting. Kind of fitting because it takes a little bit of the attention off from my emotions. My cramps probably feel as bad as I did emotionally when I started spotting.
I feel broken and full of pain. And disgusting. Blah.
On a good note. I talked my hubby into going to see Courageous this afternoon. If we go at 1 it is an early matinee and we can watch it for 4.50 each, and the popcorn will cost more than our tickets combined. Probably less than 25 for our little date. One of my good friends told me to bring LOTS of Kleenexes. So I will have to pack a sandwich baggie full.
Well I have to go wake up James, he will probably be upset I let him sleep this long. We have to leave around 9 to head to church. He can get ready in 40 minutes. He just might not have time for a big breakfast, oh well we have bananas =)
Cramps galore. Tears uncontrollable throughout the day. And a missed day of work.
I called in, I wouldn't be able to function today. My 800 ibuprofen isn't touching the cramps. And the flow is heavy. Not to mention my emotions.
Not fun.
I am ready to experience a healthy pregnancy, to have hope. To know that God is truly listening to my prayers and the cries of my heart. Maybe it will be luck number 15. 15th cycle of ttc. Fifteen.
I remember when my good friend was at 15 months, and thinking I don't know how she does it. Now? She is closing in on the 2 year mark and I am where she was. And still...both of us are left waiting on God. She is thinking about starting an infertility small group. That would be sooooo good for James and I. To have couples that fully understand and to talk to face to face.
I am struggling. Struggling to hold onto God after my fingers had been slipping away. Struggling to hold onto hope because it has been dropped in the mud so many times.
To top it off my letter from the RN department didn't come today. I couldn't have taken more bad news today, so I wonder if God is protecting me. And if so...it makes me wonder what the heck my letter actually says.
I have laundry to do and things to order off from amazon. Do I want to do either of them? No I'd rather sit here and no do a single thing...but that won't get me anywhere.
AF will be here tomorrow. Glad I bought dollar store tests to test last night right before work. Cramps and super sad. =(
I hate this journey, have I mentioned that before? Everyone that got pregnant after I lost Sam is having their babies. It makes me so stinking depressed.
Monday I will have to get Clomid refilled again. Joy. Wonder if they will up it again because it is last try for us for a little while. Suppose I should order my opks and sperm friendly lube this week huh. BOOOOOOO! =(
Maybe this new stuff will do the trick. Blahhhhhhhhh
