Super Plus tampons are definitely my friend at the moment. I bought the tampax pearl ones so really they aren't THAT much bigger. But big enough I can go just barely 4 hours before having to run to the bathroom.
I have had quarter sized clots, or maybe dime sized grouped together...either way it is nasty. My uterus hates me, clearly by the heavy lining that has been sloughed off this cycle. People say I should be happy because I had a good lining for a pregnancy. But what is the point of a good lining without a pregnancy? I don't like this period from hell.
I alternated heating pad between back and abdomin all day yesterday. And thankfully had a thermacare one for on the go. Cramps are now starting to come back, I had from about 8-7 off from cramps, but now they are back with a vengence.
Yesterday we also went to see the movie Courageous. It is a christian film. And an amazing movie. I won't ruin it for you, but for me it took an unexpected turn of events and left my sister's, James', and my face wet with tears. And from then on the waterworks were turned on and off throughout the movie.
The acting is amazing. The plot line is really good. There isn't cheasy spots when they are putting Christ in the film. There are spots for laughter, tears, and sitting on the edge of the seat moments. And to top it off Courageous hit #5 for the box office. I would gladly go see
it again.
And it really had me thinking. I think I may have to do a personal study on what it takes to be a woman of faith. To be a good wife. To one day be a good mother.
It had me thinking after a pastor tells the main character he can either be angry with the time he missed, or blessed and thankful for the time he had. (Not giving ANYTHING away by this...because you don't know the context)
And it made me realize. I have been angry with God because of the time I have missed with all three pregnancies. Not thankful for my body being able to get pregnant. Not thankful for those short moments of hope and dreaming. Not blessed by the fact I have three babies waiting for me in heaven. I have been stuck in anger and bitterness. And believe me, I realize I am not going to shake that mud and muck off from me over night. Like quicksand it is going to try to suck me in the more I try to move about. I have given Satan a good foothold that I need to break free.
I am not perfect. I am broken. Flawed. Hurting, but God promises me freedom. Love. And ultimate healing of the heart. He never promises no pain, motherhood via pregnancy. He never promises me happiness. Just joy in Christ.
I haven't been joyful. I have some work to do. Even in my brokenness I need to find a way to fly on the wings of Christ.
Blogger is being stupid, but I tried to reply under your CD1 - but then it disappeared... Anyway, I was saying that I thought it was BS that you haven't gotten a letter saying if you were on the waiting list and what number you were. My friend just got her acceptance letter today. She's in, in Jan.
ReplyDeleteMaybe your not getting in though will be a sign that you are to get pregnant soon and will need that time to focus on you and baby. :)
I am hoping it is in the mail when it finally comes. Maybe me in my unshowered glory will walk out to the mail box and check. I would be okay with not getting in if I was pregnant like this month. But to have no pregnancy, and no school to look forward to...I would feel like an utter failure and loser.
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