Breakdown

I tossed out the opks that were used and do not plan on testing with them any more this cycle. It is making me too crazy, too emotional.

I don't know what the future will bring. I don't know what the next months will bring, but I do know that in the moment...I am stressed and broken from trying to conceive.

We went to church today. And it felt so good to worship God. We sang Blessings by Laura Story. If you haven't heard it, you should youtube it. I broke down and cried...and cried.

And then had to go stand up front of the church with our good friends as they dedicated their baby to the Lord. We are so blessed to have them as our friends. Baby N is 3 months old already, and oh so cute! He is filling out, he has big blue eyes, and he let me cuddle him. I didn't want to let him go. His mom couldn't get him to fall asleep, but I did. ♥

I was walking around with the sleeping babe in my arms when A's mom asked me when we were going to have kids. I was honest. And said, "We've been trying for a long time now. We've had 3 losses, it has been a really long journey."

She appologized, and I told her that I find it to be easier most days to be honest when people ask. She told me how her sister couldn't have kids and the stress it put on their relationship. I can imagine. Oh boy can I imagine.

She then said that she would be praying in faith that sometime in the next year A & J would be coming to baby showers or to see our little baby. I hope so. Because I am aching.

And I am seriously done with my OPKs. So if anyone wants them send me an email and I will mail them to you. I'm not in control anyways. So we might as well just BD every other day and not stress.

I made James have a quickie with me before work, just so we could have BD'd on schedule. We got in a discussion about where we are going with ttc. Before, I had mentioned doing another medicated cycle and an IUI in December possibly. But after our last discussion I decided we should wait due to money.

Then James tells me he thought about it and prayed about it and he would be okay with it. We will play by ear, see how much we can have in savings, how much debt will be paid off by then. Or better yet, maybe I will finally have a strong healthy positive with a strong healthy baby growing before December rolls around.

That would be wonderful.

God, forgive me for doubting your goodness. For doubting your ability to make decisions in my life. Please continue to bless us as we look to you in faith. Guide our decisions. Help us financially. And most of all, help us to grow closer to you and closer to each other. Amen.