Seriously Irritable.

I am bitchy. I can't shake it. And I feel like it is a cop out blaming it on the medicine. But this isn't normal every day me. Especially the week AFTER my period.

I am irritable, cranky, short with everyone, easily annoyed, etc you get the picture.

Yesterday when I went dress shopping for a bridesmaid dress it was all depressing. I have a dress picked out for "just in case" I get pregnant. And the one that I am going to shoot to lose weight for. Pathetic really. So December will probably be our last month ttc for awhile.

Plus the dresses made me feel F-A-T. Bloated and all. So if no baby I plan on being 180 lbs by Jennys wedding. 25 lbs in 8 months. Bring on the salads, grilled chicken, broccoli, and other delicious nutrious food. Good bye sweets. Good bye soda. Hello gym (soon I am hoping). Hello Zumba (need to make myself do dvds!).

James and I are ready to no longer be fat. Obese. Unhealthy. Disgusting. If I can't meet the goal of having a baby, we should at least have a tangible one. Maybe that is Gods plan, who knows.

I need to learn I can be happy with it just being James and I for now. Even if my heart cries when I see the pregnant woman on facebook. Even if my arms ache to hold a child that will one day call me Mommy. Even if I feel like a part of me dies when I hear of another positive pregnancy test.

Don't mind me in my sulking. I promise I will be better soon. I am so ready for this clomid to be out of my system.

On one high note. The worship was amazing, and it was nice seeing people that had previously left our church. We are going to try it for at least a month and pray about it. But I can see it becoming our church home.

And I have to admit, I cried during worship today. It is the first time I have truly worshiped God in at least a month. With arms in the air, tears running down my cheaks, and my heart out for God to heal.