On top of being super emotional my body is playing tricks with my mind. I still have cramps. Like af is going to be here any minute type, or maybe just pressure at the moment.
So I mentally start to tell myself, if your period comes it will be okay. You will survive. You can do the hsg and just pay slowly on it if finances aren't where they should be.
And then a little voice creaps in, one of hope (I think). That reminds me...you thought you were going to start your period when you were pregnant with Sam...the one baby you got to SEE. You were emotional (check), had headaches (check), had af type cramps (check), and your temps were high (ok can't say check because I haven't been doing them...except I did yesterday. And it was 98.29 after 3 hrs of sleep and then 98.28 after 5 hrs of sleep...higher than my normal temps in the past...but I do not know what coverline was for this month).
Then I remind myself how hard the months are when I am convinced I am pregnant, that hope swells so deeply inside of my chest.....and how freaking hard it is when my period comes, when a new cycle of disappointment awaits.
Tonight a resident at work asked me "Do you have kids?"
"Nope."
"Good for you. Means you can sleep."
"Did I ask you...do you have kids?"
"Yup. And we don't. We want them, but it hasn't happened for us yet."
"Oh it will sweetie"
Inwardly I was thinking, "Really has God told you it will for us? Because honestly I don't know if I have heard that clearly from him!"
It was a hellish night, one resident set off her alarms at least every half hour and would go to the restroom every 45-1hr. Made for one REALLY long night. I almost cried out of frustration. I literally was in her room every 5 minutes last bedcheck. I couldn't get ANYTHING done. And we didn't have an extra. So I was on the go from 4 til 630am.
Relax I know. Deep breaths, it is over. I am super thirsty, and definitely in need of a shower. So that is where I am headed, after I wake up my husband.
Have I mentioned lately that he is my hero? He is working at his other job today. He is such a hardworking man. I am so thankful to have him as my husband.
I am hoping for you!! I hope AF stays away. I also have had conversations like that with people. Sorry about your rough night. I know how that is. Hugs!!!
ReplyDelete"Hope" and I are NOT friends right now. AF showed today for me. So Im out...again! After a good long cry in the shower today the only upside I found was that DH's parents are having a spooky halloween gathering tonight and Ashley is having homemade WINE!
ReplyDeleteIm pulling for you darling! ♥