Baby Update

My mom called me this morning after I got home, and let me know what is going on with the baby mama and her thoughts on adoption.

She is indeed 14, and wavering between adoption and keeping the baby. Her mom, my aunt, and Michael all think she should give the baby up for adoption. They are having a meeting with her tonight to talk over the pros of adoption vs keeping the baby. I should call my aunt and let her know we would be willing to allow her to keep in contact with the baby.

If she agrees to adoption, we will make a sit down meet and great with her. It feels like it is getting more real, I really should start looking up Michigan adoption rules.

I think it would be a blessing, and it would turn me utterly speachless. This girl could change our lives forever!

In the back of my mind I hum and haw over what if we get the go ahead for adoption, and then find out we are pregnant. I would struggle between feeling selfish for wanting to keep both, and feeling overwhelmed and blessed. Because what about my friends L & M? I want us both to be mommys at the same time!

God, my prayers are for fertility blessings to be bestowed upon my sisters in laws, and my friends trying to conceive. May you bless us all with a child and all that is to come with it. I pray in the waiting we will be gracious and filled with joy and hope for the future. And that one day this time of waiting will make sense, and be utterly worth it. I pray for the little baby growing in this young mother's womb. That you would help her to have the courage and strength to do whatever is right for this baby. And that you would give me the ability to accept whatever the answer is. May you keep your hand on us, and protect us from evil. Bless us all beyond our wildest imagination, and remind us this holiday season of Your amazing grace, goodness, and love. In your son Jesus Christ's name I pray, Amen!

Glimmer of Hope.

Before I give you the glimmer of hope I have had, I have to give you background history.

My Aunt Kathy lost her baby girl at 21 days old when I was in 5th grade. She had a son at the time, and eventually went on to have another baby girl. Due to this loss, an alcoholic husband, and not knowing God my Aunt subconsciously (or consciously I am not sure) stopped disciplining her children. Now her son Mike is 17, and has been to juvie twice, is up for more accounts of stealing, has been on a tether, and in the past lived with my mom for almost a year. Her daughter Samantha Jo didn't go on to be remembered in their family. Uncle Nick turned to alcohol to drink away his pain. She couldn't be discussed. It makes me terribly sad. Ashley is now 10 (or turning ten next month!) and is behind in almost every class. My heart hurts for them. If I had been older I would have fought to have them myself. To be not only their cousin but their guardian. If if if....I wish that I could do more to help them. I think about them and my heart cries out, tears sometimes flow, and I get angry at my Aunt for not treasuring the miracles in front of her.

My cousin Mike pretends to have this hard front, but I think he acts out to get attention. Any attention is better than being forgotten. When he lived with my Mom she asked him if he wanted to stay with her, he said no after a huge hesitating quiet moment. He said no so he wouldn't hurt his Mom. And instead he has hurt his own future. He is a good boy, but I am afraid he will always be a boy in a man's body due to lack of parenting.

Skip back to about a month ago, to an episode of Adoption Story (yes the show is still on Discover Fit and Health). Two back to back episodes of open adoptions. And I said a little prayer in my heart that I would take a baby however God decided to grant me with one. Be it natural, international adoption, domestic adoption, or foster care....or one of each. It has been on the back of my mind, along with the questioning of will I ever get to experience pregnancy? when will I get to see another BFP?


Skip back to two days ago. I got a text from my sister Stacey. She said Mike got a girl knocked up. My gut turned. And questions flew out..."How old is the girl?" "WHAT? How is is that HE can get a girl pregnant, but I can't get pregnant?!" "What does the girl plan on doing with the baby?" She jokingly called me a baby stealer. Just joshing, but I can see how crazy women choose to steal babies! They are just insane for following that crazy idea! (I promise I am not one of those crazy women!)

Today I was talking to my mom on the phone to get more information on what is going on with this "situation". All the while hoping she wasn't going to tell me that the girl was going to opt for an abortion. The girl is 14 or 15. Her mother do not want her to keep the baby. The girl herself smokes pot. I am trying not to judge her, but the questions again fill my thoughts..."How can SHE get pregnant?!" "Seriously?!?" Mom filled me in on possibility, but unlikely charges of statutory rape (the mom lets the daughter smoke pot...I don't think age of sex partner really matters...especially if she let them date).

Then Mom says this to me. "Ashley said to me, 'Aunt Sue I am going to be an aunt!' So I asked her, what Michael thought about the girl being pregnant. Then Ashley said, 'He says it is okay because they are just going to give the baby to Jessica!"

I fought back tears, and hope. And the mixture of both. The questioning started again, "God is this why we haven't gotten pregnant? Is this why I saw those episodes of open adoptions? What if this really comes to pass? What if I am getting excited for nothing?" I still haven't told James, but I will today. I was praying yesterday for good news on thanksgiving. What if this is our good news?

On the flip side, Mike is all for me...but what if she isn't? I need to look up adoption information for domestic adoption. I don't even know how far along she is. God protect her pregnancy. And give me peace about this if it is where our first baby is going to come from.

Happy Thanksgiving, I am holding back tears! Last year I was experiencing the worst of my miscarriage this day, this year I am filled with hope. No promises, only hope.

♥ Jess

Darker OPK, Prayers, and More.

I got an even darker OPK at 3 this morning. SO I think it is safe to say I O'd this morning (as it is light again). So one more chance to try for this cycle and then I will try not to obsess over any "symptoms" and leave it up to whatever the test says near the end of my wait.

AF should be here the 30th or 31st. Don't worry, if I get pregnant, I am sure you all will be the first to know. Besides a few texts to friends that I know will pray for me and my future child. I am thinking some close friends and maybe family will know around 6 or 8 weeks simply because I would like to celebrate my future pregnancies. Instead of it being a, "Surprise, I was pregnant!" after I miscarry.

I am praying this month will be it. Then we can stop TTC for a long while. Please dear God bless us. Bless us by placing your hand on my body and allowing for conception to take place. Allow for a healthy spot in my womb to be the home for my future child. Help the child to be 100% healthy with no diseases or defects. Help me to hold the next baby that I will get pregnant with. Jesus, I know I have struggled recently with this journey I am on. Forgive me for wanting to throw in the towel on all of it. I know that you are the reason for life itself. So I am asking for abundant blessings in the form of children. In Jesus name, Amen.

Can I share another little aspect that has been tugging on my heart. I know I said I wanted to do foster care. To adopt. (Can I mention that our county STILL hasn't called me back, so I am wondering if this door too is being shut to us, or if I need to be more persistent) The two things that have been on the "NO way" list has been domestic infant and international adoption for me. It's expensive, a large process, and something that I never felt the draw to. Until recently, the tug to get a little girl from China. Why China? Because of their practice of late term abortion, especially on little girls. It tugs at my heart. I would love to help the brave souls that carry their baby to term instead of getting an abortion in that society. So maybe our family will be mixed with biological, foster care children, and a little one adopted from China. If the China thing comes to pass, we will definitely need some help. I have seen several fundraiser ideas that we will implement if that truly is a route we are meant to go down.

One other little factoid. I heard a quote on the radio station a few days ago stating that Planned Parenthood believes we should become more like China. And have a 1 child maximum. Because if we do not abort fetuses after that point we will be over populated in a short time. Seriously. And this is our great resource for unplanned pregnancy? I think not. It makes me sick. I watched a video on abortion in the U.S. It disgusted me. To think I crave to have a child so desperately bad and their are so many women that choose to end their child's life. It makes me sick to my stomach that they have been taught the lie and believe that abortion is their best, or only, choice. Because honestly, I think it takes more of a woman to go through the pregnancy and put them up for adoption than to have an abortion. An abortion is something that seems like a "quick fix" at the time. Yet they will have to deal with later in life. The fact that they killed that child. Regardless of religion as Planned Parenthood states. But with adoption you have to experience pregnancy. Go through labor. People will see you pregnant. And then the mother says good bye to a child she actually gets to SEE. That is love. To know you cannot or do not want to provide for that little being and still choosing life for them. It is a blessing to the adoptive family and that little boy or girl.

I'll step off my soap box. Time to go wake up my husband in hopes of procreating! tehe =P

♥ Jess