Bump Update, Ultrasound Visit, and More!

Bump Update!

First of all, can you believe it? I am 25 weeks now!! So AMAZING. I am overjoyed and over the moon the happy with all the blessings God has poured out on us with this little man!

Ultrasound Visit!

We got in rather quickly, and it was like he KNEW they were going to try getting his picture again, he pushed his butt right out at the lady! lol He is still head down but more towards my left hip bone instead of in my pelvis! I hope this is a good thing and he doesn't choose to lay transverse instead of head down eventually. He is still definitely a he, I recognized boy parts before she said anything! His Heartbeat was 150, amniotic fluid level was perfect they said, and my cervix was still an amazing 4.7cm. My doctor today said that I was showing off, because it only needs to be 2.5cm to make them happy at this point. I am glad it is still long and strong because I have a feeling it will shorten quickly when it is time due to the weight of the baby and such (that and I have been praying for it to thin when it is supposed to without any medical intervention! And my prayers for cervix of steel have worked, so why won't this ;-D)

They finally got a profile picture of this little guy. Placenta has now moved more over to my right but still half front/half side. Which would be why I have been feeling more kicks on top of belly! When he really gets moving he is punching (or drumming as some would say) above my left pelvis bone, and kicking upper middle belly. Truly amazing! He is getting so BIG!! And I still have 15 weeks to go!

More!

This weekend...

Was AMAZING time with James's family. I got to spend all weekend with my three nieces, my sister in law and James's brother. His sister and brother in law came down Saturday, and it was nice to hang out late into the night Saturday with them as well. I enjoyed lots of snuggles with all three girls, and had so many funny moments that of course I HAVE to share a couple.

A is 5, one day she was sitting on my lap when she said to me, "Aunt Jess, you can have L (their newest little addition, she is 3months old). And I will take that one (pointing to my tummy)." I roared laughing. And told her mom, her mom is like, "A, you don't want a Brother do you? Mommy doesn't know how to do little boys, and L is too good of a baby, I don't want to trade!" lol It was TOO stinking cute!

Then Saturday night when we were hanging out, I suddenly got SO hungry. The kids were in bed and it was the adults hanging out. I said, "I could go for a hot dog!" My sister-in-law says, "There are some in the fridge if you want one." Her husband pipes in, "Don't you know that's what got you in this predicament!?" hahaha, yes I am WELL aware. but it really got me laughing.

Sunday my dear hubby was a little hung over (he drank to his little hearts content Saturday night, and was quite a sight to see with his goofy smiles with big ol' dimples, and drunken talk...but now he said that isn't going to happen for awhile! lol). But he noticed his sister-in-law trying to make lunch for the older girls while holding onto the youngest. If you know my husband at all, he is terrified to hold little babies, he says it is different if it is his own, because if he breaks it it is his to break. LOL Gotta love him. But he OFFERED to take little L! On his own terms (AMAZING!). His brother, said to him (and I on a couple different occasions) "You do know, yours is going to be different, it is going to have a penis." haha yes, we are fully aware! Gotta love Booger! Anyways, so James is holding onto her outside and brings L inside to SIL and says, "Is that how you do it?" And she was snoozing snuggled up in his arms. She said he was SO proud of himself! (And it truly melted my heart!) But Booger pipes in, "Ya know, it isn't that easy when it's your own!" :-) My husband is going to be an amazing father! 

SIL is breast feeding and she isn't ashamed of it! I love it. Others, especially the men are like, "I don't know if I am supposed to be seeing that..." It's a BOOB. Get over it. She is feeding her daughter, it is hot and little L doesn't want the blanket over her. Whoop-di-doo. She even does it in public without much of a cover, just finds a place where it isn't too busy and does what she needs to do. She is my hero! She only pumps for when she is going to be at work. 

James's sister's hubby (you following that?) also said to me once, something about I don't want that it might have pregnancy cooties on it. I said, "believe me...I know pregnancy ISN'T contagious!" He laughed, Looked down at his round belly and said, "...I don't know about that one..." That made me giggle. Ok it isn't contagious, I know, but with his belly puffed out you'd think it was ;-)

Work...

There is a baby boom of 2012 happening again! There are four women, excluding myself, that have struggled with infertility and loss. One is due this month (in a week!). The other three had babies all around each other last year, and none of their little kiddos are 1 yet! WELL all of them are pregnant with the second little ones! None expected it to happen this fast, all were ttc for 2+ years for the first (one for 7 years! And even did 2 rounds of IVF, and several IUIs all resulting in BFNs or losses...she lost about 20lbs right before getting pregnant with her first). One is about 10 weeks behind me, and the other two are due in April 2013. CRAZY! 

And then there is a blogger that got her surprise BFP after having twins w/IVF. And Toni that had her 2nd round of IVF and got a good beta in spite of her losing a little hope there at the end of her testing ;-) ! 

Keep all of these ladies in your prayers for them to continue on to have healthy pregnancies!

WELL I need to do some homework so I have to go...statistics, microbiology, and health psych are all calling my name (though a nap called harder earlier so I gave in to it!). I also need to fold a massive pile (ok table) of laundry, and clean our bedroom. 

Blog Changes & Thankful for YOU!

Do you like the new design? I did steal the background and downloaded a header and personalized it. But I LOVE it! I am hoping to be adding some more slowly but surely, as well as starting a family blog for my friends and family that I do not want to share all of this crazy personal TTC info with.

This blog will remain my favorite, because I cannot imagine life without all of you. You give me hope, remind me of times past, help me heal, and allow me to fully grieve everything infertility and loss related. You are true friends that I wish I could meet face to face and allow my shoulder for you to cry on.

A lot of the times you are more understanding and loving than those in my "real" life (you know what I mean, right?). I am SO incredibly BLESSED and THANKFUL to have you in my life.

We have a couple of friends that know our journey, they have a son together, and once worried about not being able to get pregnant. They should be able to empathize and such. But they don't. We have tried to get together with them but it never works out, and it is ALWAYS us calling them. I am ready to give up on the friendship. I cried, and cried, when I finally came to this point. Because honestly, we kind of think the reason they are avoiding us is because she may be pregnant again. And that my friends, is not a friend at all, a friend would sensitively break it to you. She would know my heart, and know that we will be happy for them, but sad for us (and jealous as all get out to be honest...).

We have another couple of friends that have been amazing to have. She personally has been through infertility and loss. She cries with me. And dreams with me. And gives me hope. When she is pregnant again, she will be one I will be able to cry with on her shoulder if need be. She will handle our friendship with care. And her husband is SO good for James. He is a strong believer in God, and helps James to verbalize and think about how the emotions of men and women are different many times when it comes to ttc and infertility.

Then their are single friends that like to ignore the elephant in the room, their are single friends that like to occasionally ask how things are going, a couple that asks how things are going once in a blue moon...but asks GOOD questions so she can know how to talk about things and be educated with her clients, and there are friends and family that listen to me more than they want to, but do so without making me feel even more small and broken.

We are blessed by them and by you! I am in the tww, about 5dpo give or take. I have had some sharp cramping off and on my lower right abdomen...which amazingly is right where my uterus is located. I now know when I feel ovulation from left, or when I feel cramping at this point on that side to just relax and know this month isn't it. But this month? I am hopeful, but know that it is ENTIRELY up to God. It doesn't matter when we have sex, or how many times, or what lube we use. If God wants us to get pregnant, it will happen.

I got to this point by it dawning on me...we got pregnant 2 months in a row in 2010. With one fallopian tube. Take that statistics! I have a BIG God that can make me ovulate 2 months in a row from the same side, and allow ONE incident of sex without a condom produce a little bean. I am leaning on God. He may lead me towards IUI, but as of right now...I am depending on my ultimate physician to guide the sperm and allow the conception to happen in a safe place of my uterus.

James and I did talk about adopting embryos. And I really feel this is something God would bless in the future, not at this point in time...but the future. And I have educated so many friends this past week about it. I really wouldn't be surprised if in the future they will adopt one this way if unable to conceive a child naturally.

Anyways, you know what I am going to say...Homework is calling! And so is sleep! May the best one win ;-)

Edit: OH MY GOODNESS. I told myself I would stop getting excited about looking at expected due dates on CTP, but guess what my due date would be approximately if we got pregnant this cycle? My BIRTHDAY. 11/16/2012 Would that not be amazing. To have a baby due 2 years after my first pregnancy and loss. On my 25th birthday. Ok, done dreaming. God knows if it will happen or not. ♥

Glimmer of Hope.

Before I give you the glimmer of hope I have had, I have to give you background history.

My Aunt Kathy lost her baby girl at 21 days old when I was in 5th grade. She had a son at the time, and eventually went on to have another baby girl. Due to this loss, an alcoholic husband, and not knowing God my Aunt subconsciously (or consciously I am not sure) stopped disciplining her children. Now her son Mike is 17, and has been to juvie twice, is up for more accounts of stealing, has been on a tether, and in the past lived with my mom for almost a year. Her daughter Samantha Jo didn't go on to be remembered in their family. Uncle Nick turned to alcohol to drink away his pain. She couldn't be discussed. It makes me terribly sad. Ashley is now 10 (or turning ten next month!) and is behind in almost every class. My heart hurts for them. If I had been older I would have fought to have them myself. To be not only their cousin but their guardian. If if if....I wish that I could do more to help them. I think about them and my heart cries out, tears sometimes flow, and I get angry at my Aunt for not treasuring the miracles in front of her.

My cousin Mike pretends to have this hard front, but I think he acts out to get attention. Any attention is better than being forgotten. When he lived with my Mom she asked him if he wanted to stay with her, he said no after a huge hesitating quiet moment. He said no so he wouldn't hurt his Mom. And instead he has hurt his own future. He is a good boy, but I am afraid he will always be a boy in a man's body due to lack of parenting.

Skip back to about a month ago, to an episode of Adoption Story (yes the show is still on Discover Fit and Health). Two back to back episodes of open adoptions. And I said a little prayer in my heart that I would take a baby however God decided to grant me with one. Be it natural, international adoption, domestic adoption, or foster care....or one of each. It has been on the back of my mind, along with the questioning of will I ever get to experience pregnancy? when will I get to see another BFP?


Skip back to two days ago. I got a text from my sister Stacey. She said Mike got a girl knocked up. My gut turned. And questions flew out..."How old is the girl?" "WHAT? How is is that HE can get a girl pregnant, but I can't get pregnant?!" "What does the girl plan on doing with the baby?" She jokingly called me a baby stealer. Just joshing, but I can see how crazy women choose to steal babies! They are just insane for following that crazy idea! (I promise I am not one of those crazy women!)

Today I was talking to my mom on the phone to get more information on what is going on with this "situation". All the while hoping she wasn't going to tell me that the girl was going to opt for an abortion. The girl is 14 or 15. Her mother do not want her to keep the baby. The girl herself smokes pot. I am trying not to judge her, but the questions again fill my thoughts..."How can SHE get pregnant?!" "Seriously?!?" Mom filled me in on possibility, but unlikely charges of statutory rape (the mom lets the daughter smoke pot...I don't think age of sex partner really matters...especially if she let them date).

Then Mom says this to me. "Ashley said to me, 'Aunt Sue I am going to be an aunt!' So I asked her, what Michael thought about the girl being pregnant. Then Ashley said, 'He says it is okay because they are just going to give the baby to Jessica!"

I fought back tears, and hope. And the mixture of both. The questioning started again, "God is this why we haven't gotten pregnant? Is this why I saw those episodes of open adoptions? What if this really comes to pass? What if I am getting excited for nothing?" I still haven't told James, but I will today. I was praying yesterday for good news on thanksgiving. What if this is our good news?

On the flip side, Mike is all for me...but what if she isn't? I need to look up adoption information for domestic adoption. I don't even know how far along she is. God protect her pregnancy. And give me peace about this if it is where our first baby is going to come from.

Happy Thanksgiving, I am holding back tears! Last year I was experiencing the worst of my miscarriage this day, this year I am filled with hope. No promises, only hope.

♥ Jess

Okay, I'm Listening

"God is not the author of confusion but of peace." 1 Corinthians 14:33

God is definitely trying to reach out to me. He doesn't want me to be confused. The past week one scripture has filled my daily devotion, scripture verse in my email, Sunday sermon, and Power of a Praying Woman by Stormie Omartian. These verses:

Ephesians 6:10-12

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, 

so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against 

flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, 

against the powers of this dark work, and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

This is one verse leads into the Armor of God. A verse in the past I never could manage to memorize, but surely one I will be working on to memorize. I remember recently I had this thought about I am not strong enough to endure this any longer. But I heard God whisper to me, a voice that said, "No but I am strong enough for you." And He is. I need to keep my full armor of God in place so I can stand strong, with God's help to face the evils in this world. Maybe I sound crazy, but I know it was God.

I have been a basket case this week. I have been confused on what I am content with doing, but God's scripture says he is not the author of confusion, but of peace. So I am praying for peace in this journey. This month and the next few months are going to be so hard. My heart is breaking more and more each day. The closer I get to my year anniversary of finding out I was pregnant, of my first ever doctor appointment at an OB, the day my heart broke into thousands of millions of pieces. The day I got the news I was miscarrying. That day is getting closer. 

But, I am working on getting closer to God in the midst of all of this.

I am a big fan of the book I am reading. Here are some highlights of my favorite quotes from the past few days of reading (I have the book that is three in one - Power of a Praying Wife, Power of a Praying Parent, and Power of a Praying Woman).

"If you aren't experiencing any breakthrough in your life, check to see if you have truly surrendered yourself to the Lord. Have you given Jesus that place of Lordship? Have you let go of everything?" (page 81)

"Lord, I need to have your Word come alive to me again. Make that happen, Father. Clear my mind and soul. teach me new things. Help me to go deeper into Your Word than ever before." (page 87)

And then this last chapter. Background history? I was sitting down to watch TV when I heard another whisper that said, "Am I less important than the television?" Talk about cutting me to the core. So instead of watching TV I sat down to read a chapter out of my book. The title of the chapter? "Lord Instruct Me as I Put My Life in Right Order" Think so? I think God was clear as crystal this morning to me. I teared up just seeing the title.

"Your relationship with the Lord must always have top priority over everything else. The Lord said, "You shall have no other gods before Me" (Exodus 20:31), and He means it. God wants your undivided attention. When you seek Him first every day and ask Him to help you put your life in order, He will do that.....when we don't seek God first, our lives get out of control." (Page 97)

"God is a God of order. We can tell that by looking at the universe. None of it is random or accidental. He doesn't want our lives to be either." (Page 97)

"Submission is something you decide to do, not something someone forces you to do." (Page 97)

Infertility and loss has definitely impacted my relationship with the Lord. TTC and our hopeful future has often times became a more frequent priority than God. I know that this all has been for a purpose, often questioning why it is happening. It isn't by accident, God didn't at random choose me to experience infertility. And in the midst of it all, I need to decide to submit to God's will for my life. He isn't going to force me, He wants me to choose. Even if it meant that I would have to experience loss after loss, year after year of infertility. I am not saying submitting to God's will will magically change my future with infertility. But it will make it easier if I am leaning on God will all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength.

For those that might not know, James and I have been struggling with the decision of where our church home is supposed to be. I still haven't found peace, but this chapter talked about this as well. Accident? I think not.

"The Bible says we should submit to authority figures designated by God in our church, in our family, in our work, and in our government. To be in right order and have our lives work well, we need to be planted in a church home. It gives us a base of operation. We can't get as far as God wants us to go without it. Each church has a unique distinction and purpose, and you will not be happy until you find the one God has for you. This doesn't mean you have to go to a different church every week until you find one that is perfect and makes you 100 percent happy. They don't exist. Churches are, after all, made up of imperfect people like us. What it does mean is that you need to ask God to show you where your church family is." (Page 100)

"I know that if my life is not in proper order I will not receive the blessings you have for me." (Page 102)

I am going to work on the priorities, placing God at the top so I can fully receive His blessings. In the meantime, I am going to work on leaning more on word. These are a few:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; 

in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6

The Word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, 

piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, 

and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.

Hebrews 4:12

He who heeds the word wisely will find good, 

and whoever trusts in the Lord, happy is he.

Proverbs 16:20

Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness,

and all of these things shall be added to you.

Matthew 6:33

You Are All I Need!

Lately I've been hearing "All I Need" by Bethany Dillon and it's been ministering to my heart. I hadn't heard it in awhile, and then suddenly I've heard it three times over the past few days on the radio. I love Old school worship, for me it truly is old school. Even if it was 2004 that it came out, it was one of the first worship songs that I loved. One of the firsts I found after I found Jesus in 2006. Maybe it's that that brings such happiness in my heart. Yet, I think it something more...

I think it's seeing how blessed you are with your extended family scattered around your backyard.  I think it's hearing your husband say, "I love you" as he snuggles closer. I think it's seeing friends enjoy your hospitality. I think it's playing with your nephew & nieces on a sunny day. But most of all I think it's realizing that God has blessed me with all of these things.

My life is not perfect, by any means. I struggle. I sin. I fall. But I get up, I repent, I love! This winter I definitely experienced some S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder) mixed with utter sadness (losing my babies). Yet, I can still find joy. Even more so now that I have gotten to see sunlight and warm weather. And I just feel like something good is coming. I can't help but feel giddy & hopeful.


♥ Jess

P.S. I am praying to have a little one growing in my belly before mother's day. And if not then soon after. :-) On that note, sleep is again calling. I slept right through being able to see James (Boo!)

Good News, Happy Heart, Sad Heart, and All that's in Between

Recently we have been flooded with good news. Closing date set for house, a week away! YAY AND I had an interview today and got the job, contingent on passing all the tests (drug screen, physical, TB, and fingerprints). No set start date. This is a huge blessing, my heart is so incredibly happy and excited.

Yet, my heart is reminded every day of the little joy that isn't in my heart or body. My little babies are not here to be celebrating this with us. There are so many pregnant women that are friends of mine on facebook, it's like a knife going into my chest day after day. I have to remind myself things will be okay, my children are with God. And one day I will get to hold my own little baby.

In the midst of all the emotions I also am trying to do school (and failing miserably at times). I am trying to pick colors for painting (and the nursery that will one day hold our own little bundle of joy...color scheme picked, but have to wait for a positive test & 12 week mark). I also am trying to wait patiently for results of extensive blood work. (actually pause...gonna go call now)...fail. Not done yet. I got blood work done the 9th...5 days later still only know I am negative for homocystine. Seriously?!?!? aaaahhh. High note it sounds like only 1 or 2 got sent out to mayo clinic. So I should know Factor IV, ANA, Lupus, Protein S &C sooner than MTHFR & any other one that got sent away. Oh, and I am getting anxious for period to just start...Yet at the least amount of time I have 6 more days, but most likely another two weeks.

Also, to clarify on last post, my random statement about people that have had abortions. It is one thing God truly has worked on my heart about. After starting to get angry I was surrounded by evidence of pain those women later had to go through when accepting what they had done, and the love for those women when recognizing their pain. My eyes had been opened to their hurting. Even with my heart crying out because I didn't choose the fate of my children, and I didn't get to hold them....*sigh* Yet, I do not know their pain of choosing to end my child's life. Nor can I imagine that!

 I cannot wait to one day be a mommy, but for now I will celebrate the fact that we have blessing being poured our way at the moment, a house, a job, and financial blessings! Looking forward to it all, and most of all having our own home to just us.

Cautious Happiness and Reserved Excitement

Well after my post on the 11th, I started to think about how late I was and on a whim Friday night decided to take another pregnancy test. What did my eyes see? A teeny tiny faint line. My stomach did flip flops with excitement. I didn't tell James that night (he was sleeping, and I was a little nervous because he was getting to a point that he was ok with waiting). Two more test the next morning showed a still faint, but little darker, positive. Same for Sunday, and today. The scary thing for me was all the cramping I had/have. It drives a woman crazy. Makes questions like, "Am I experiencing a chemical pregnancy and period is about to start?" or "is this going to be a miscarriage?" Yet, I can't worry. But I can be cautious. When the Nurse practitioner at Urgent Care told me that I was pregnant, my heart skipped a beat. James was with me to hear the news, but then she also told me with past of blood clot there's going to be more blood work the ob will have to do tomorrow. I freaked out when I called the Ob this morning and she told me to go to Urgent Care or ER because they didn't have any openings for today (being a new patient). Only people that know of this at this present moment are my husband, and Renee (probably Aaron too, your spouse is that one free tell lol). I am going to keep this a secret til we have our own place and feel confident that this little baby stick. It amazes me, the thought of being parents. July 18th, 2011 in case you are curious. The thing that gives me peace is I know I will meet this little creation at some point, whether it is here on earth or in heaven. God is Good.

On top of the pregnancy news today, we also learned that the bank gave another counter offer, $89,000. We have decided that we are going to offer $80,000 and pray that they will accept it! I am praying and hoping that we know for sure about the house by thanksgiving or James’s birthday at the latest. It is amazing to see all of things that we have been praying for finally happen.  Thank you Jesus, for all the good things I have. Thank you for shaping me in the waiting. Thank you for the blessed life that we live. 

Hope you are having a wonderful night,

God Bless

Jessica (Future Mommy To Be!)