Today is the day.

I know I owe more of a story about M. Present moment, he is still MIA and we havent heard from him, nor expect to. Will update more on that later today after some sleep and hopefully some good news.

Less than 3 hours and I will be sitting legs in stirrups with a dilldo cam up my vajajay (haha have to have humor, and it is the truth...).

I am nervous. And idk if that is what is causing me to have this upset stomach/nausea/queasiness or what. We have gotten so excited about this pregnancy, and have dared to dream. And let hope take flight.

And after 5 early losses...that is a scary thing to do.

I really am feeling like spewing this morning. Quite disgusting. I need to eatbbut every time I put something in mouth it makes stomach get worse. I am kind of gassy as well, burping a lot. Which is not a good sign for me....it usually preceeds vomit.

I am pooped from working 4 days in a row (I know poor baby, but I am not used to nights again =( and I slept like caca Sunday). Worn out. Big time, between weekend M stress and work....I am ready for just relaxing and sleeping.

I tried sleeping yesterday, but I had such a vivid crazy dream. And I mean CRAZY. We are talking Jurasic Park like, they had a "fake" park....imitating the movie. Turns out it wasn't fake. And there was a big school hooked to it as well. We found out it wasnt fake when a girl was showing us (my sister S and I) around, when all of a sudden I felt a rumble. And told the girl to drive faster. She didnt. Poor choice. There were two T-Rex chasing after each other....until they saw us. *gulp* The girl got hurt, S and I were safe. Got our family out of the park and drove home. But the park got wind of it. And sent Raptors to our house to kill us. No joke. But my husband was amazing and saved the day. I woke up holding my breath (so they wouldnt see me...oiy). It was intense.

On baby news. This is how excited James has gotten. We had agreed many yonders ago (before officially starting ttc) that we would be surprised y the sex of the baby at birth. Well...he has decided he is going to find out. Even if I don't.  And I believe he would do something radical like call up and tell the doctor I am an emotional wreck and want to know....just so they would tell him! LOL So we may have to come to middle ground and do a gender reveal party. Where everyone gets surprised at the same time. We would get gender written on slip of paper in sealed envelop take it to my favorite local bakery and order a white cake with instructions to dye cake batter blue or pink to make the reveal as we cut into it.

But that is about 10 weeks at least in the future. See....hopes are soaring! Especially when I think about how at 7 and a half weeks babies are now the size of a raspberry. Isn't that amazing?

<3

Positive? Maybe a little...

Tell me what you think? I know people love FRER but I haven't had the best of luck with them so I went with what I had a coupon for, an E.P.T. and of course more 88 cent tests. The 88 cent test showed nothing really for tonight's test, but SMU there is definitely a line I can see in person. Calling for a beta in the morning if morning tests show a line :-) 13dpo when I wake up. Nips still sore, fell asleep during test, hungry as all get out...thinking this is a good sign.

Glimmer of Hope.

Before I give you the glimmer of hope I have had, I have to give you background history.

My Aunt Kathy lost her baby girl at 21 days old when I was in 5th grade. She had a son at the time, and eventually went on to have another baby girl. Due to this loss, an alcoholic husband, and not knowing God my Aunt subconsciously (or consciously I am not sure) stopped disciplining her children. Now her son Mike is 17, and has been to juvie twice, is up for more accounts of stealing, has been on a tether, and in the past lived with my mom for almost a year. Her daughter Samantha Jo didn't go on to be remembered in their family. Uncle Nick turned to alcohol to drink away his pain. She couldn't be discussed. It makes me terribly sad. Ashley is now 10 (or turning ten next month!) and is behind in almost every class. My heart hurts for them. If I had been older I would have fought to have them myself. To be not only their cousin but their guardian. If if if....I wish that I could do more to help them. I think about them and my heart cries out, tears sometimes flow, and I get angry at my Aunt for not treasuring the miracles in front of her.

My cousin Mike pretends to have this hard front, but I think he acts out to get attention. Any attention is better than being forgotten. When he lived with my Mom she asked him if he wanted to stay with her, he said no after a huge hesitating quiet moment. He said no so he wouldn't hurt his Mom. And instead he has hurt his own future. He is a good boy, but I am afraid he will always be a boy in a man's body due to lack of parenting.

Skip back to about a month ago, to an episode of Adoption Story (yes the show is still on Discover Fit and Health). Two back to back episodes of open adoptions. And I said a little prayer in my heart that I would take a baby however God decided to grant me with one. Be it natural, international adoption, domestic adoption, or foster care....or one of each. It has been on the back of my mind, along with the questioning of will I ever get to experience pregnancy? when will I get to see another BFP?


Skip back to two days ago. I got a text from my sister Stacey. She said Mike got a girl knocked up. My gut turned. And questions flew out..."How old is the girl?" "WHAT? How is is that HE can get a girl pregnant, but I can't get pregnant?!" "What does the girl plan on doing with the baby?" She jokingly called me a baby stealer. Just joshing, but I can see how crazy women choose to steal babies! They are just insane for following that crazy idea! (I promise I am not one of those crazy women!)

Today I was talking to my mom on the phone to get more information on what is going on with this "situation". All the while hoping she wasn't going to tell me that the girl was going to opt for an abortion. The girl is 14 or 15. Her mother do not want her to keep the baby. The girl herself smokes pot. I am trying not to judge her, but the questions again fill my thoughts..."How can SHE get pregnant?!" "Seriously?!?" Mom filled me in on possibility, but unlikely charges of statutory rape (the mom lets the daughter smoke pot...I don't think age of sex partner really matters...especially if she let them date).

Then Mom says this to me. "Ashley said to me, 'Aunt Sue I am going to be an aunt!' So I asked her, what Michael thought about the girl being pregnant. Then Ashley said, 'He says it is okay because they are just going to give the baby to Jessica!"

I fought back tears, and hope. And the mixture of both. The questioning started again, "God is this why we haven't gotten pregnant? Is this why I saw those episodes of open adoptions? What if this really comes to pass? What if I am getting excited for nothing?" I still haven't told James, but I will today. I was praying yesterday for good news on thanksgiving. What if this is our good news?

On the flip side, Mike is all for me...but what if she isn't? I need to look up adoption information for domestic adoption. I don't even know how far along she is. God protect her pregnancy. And give me peace about this if it is where our first baby is going to come from.

Happy Thanksgiving, I am holding back tears! Last year I was experiencing the worst of my miscarriage this day, this year I am filled with hope. No promises, only hope.

♥ Jess

Get Away Dreams!

I feel like I'm planning our honeymoon all over again, and hoping to not be let down like last time. Looks like end of September will be when we will be going. It is a better deal at that time (but hopefully it will still be relatively warm...), we'll save over $300 by waiting a few weekends. If we get to stay at The Embassy (the hotel I am dreaming about!) our view from our hotel room will be something like this....

 

How amazing does that look? A nice whirlpool tub, king size bed, AMAZING view of the falls. Still looking to figure out the best deal. Want to get a book from AAA, need to figure that out. As for now, other things I am planning on doing....

Journey Behind the Falls, Maid of The Mist, & White Water Walk

We'll also see sights like these...

(Photos from Niagara Parks)

I also want to go to Ripleys Believe It Or Not! Museum. I remember passing by this place when we went with my family when I was in fourth or fifth grade and SO wanting to go inside. Years later, I still think it would be pretty darn cool!

Vacation Get Away

James and I have been talking more about why it is he wants to wait to foster parent. After asking him what specific things stand in the way of jumping in now instead of waiting a year, he told me he wants to enjoy it being just us and wants to have a nice vacation together among a few other things. We haven't had a nice vacation together. So I understand this yearning. He wants to go to either Niagara falls or Alaska. So Niagara
it is! The vacation I had once planned we will be taking! In August or September, no ifs ands or buts. Even if it means we have to get a small(ish) loan.

You know why? I think it is important to invest in your marriage with time and memories that are only shared between the 2 of you.We have been married for almost two years, been together for six. I think it  is sad that we haven't ever, not ONCE, vacationed by ourselves. I think we are missing out on this...so to my friends that are getting married, will get married, or are married. Have a honeymoon, take a vacation together. Reconnect and recharge your,marriage batteries. So, you may wonder, "what about your honeymoon?" My heart knew where we had to be. My best friends grandpa died; and james and I both knew I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't go. So together we went. To a memorial service, where we cried, got told we didn't have
to be there, and spent time with the family. I know she wouldn't have  held it against, me had we not went, but my heart and mind would have  been there anyways.

I think it mad it easier going because in our minds we thought of the vacation I won, just had to get id and pay for plane ticket. December dreams of vacation made it all better. Then we got closer. Money was tight. We lived with his parents and couldn't deal with family tiffs that would have resulted from getting a loan for vacation when we didn't have our own place. So we gave up our expense paid resort stay. Even to this day James and I still sometimes talk about sandy beaches and how we wish we would have went. So while we hope to not get a  loan, if we have to it will not be the end of the world. And we will have so many memories together if we are able to take the time to go on an adventure together. With roaring waters and Jamesy's first time out of the States.

Did I mention, I am wicked excited! I CANNOT wait!
♥ Jess

In Our OWN Home

We are in our own house, spent the first night in it this past Saturday. Quickly learning things that we need to change asap (small things like getting curtains, energy efficient ones to big things like a energy efficient propane furnace). Our fuel oil furnace is costing about 500 a month in fuel oil, VERY not practical. Please pray spring is almost here. Otherwise we are going to be living in a VERY cold house. Hoping to save/get a loan before next winter for a different furnace.

Tuesday was my first day of orientation, crazy to think of having a well paying job. Sad that I won't get to see the kiddos though. Next weeks starts my training process. Quite nervous. :-( eeeeek. Haven't done any of this since December! I am blessed to have this job, and thankful that I had the ability to have taken the CNA class. Tomorrow I go over all the skills assessments, like blood pressure and who knows what else. Then I have to take my State Certification sometime soon (because then I get 1.10 pay raise!).

I'm all over the place today, my brain won't keep still. Sorry for jumping all over the place. Our financial place right now seems to be in the spend mode. Fuel Oil = 520 for a fill, Electric Deposit = 220....the list goes on. And to add to it, I need scrubs for my new job! (that kinda makes me :-) to think of ordering scrubs!). I was excited for this new job to be able to save, but at the present moment it doesn't appear that will be happening. Praise God for our emergency fund that is in place again at least.

Yet, all this makes James nervous for trying to conceive. Which I cannot blame him. But, I do think we could have our finances in order before a little baby came. God has blessed me with a good job now, so I think other things will soon follow suit. So for this month, though I truly wanted to try for a little bambino, James says we probably shouldn't. Though, I kind of think we probably won't be the greatest at preventing, which in my opinion is trying. I really want to try the sperm meets egg plan...next month if not this month. You are most fertile (at least many think so) the three months following a miscarriage. I have faith that we will be pregnant soon. And a little Hillard baby will be joining the world in 2012. James has a good plan waiting this month though, he wants to start eating healthy and daily exercise. Both things would be good for both of us.

And I figured it out, with Jenny's wedding in June (and me being the MOH) I have until August to conceive and not be huge at her wedding (this would mean having the baby in May, so downside of this late might mean still looking pregnant lol, but at least she would have a cute tiny ring bearer or flower girl). If we aren't pregnant by August we probably wouldn't TTC again until November so I won't have a chance of popping right around her wedding LOL. I cannot wait to get a BFP and see a healthy little heartbeat on an ultrasound. It's also scary to think about getting pregnant again. One thing is for sure they are going to test my progesterone & hcg as soon as I get a positive. AND then continue testing my hcg until it is high enough to see a heart beat, and we actually see a heart beat on the screen.

I also cannot wait to find out if I am in the Nursing program in September. SO many things to look forward to, but in the mean time I am content(ish) and blessed in my current position. I am leaning on scripture.

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me."
Jeremiah 29:11-13

"And we know that all things work together for good to those that love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose"
Romans 8:28

I am a blessed. Though, at times I certainly need to remind myself in amidst this baby boom of 2011.
♥ Jess

P.S. I had my period, and it was 100% normal. Back to temping, OPKs, and praying for normalcy. 

Today is a Good Day

Today we close on our house. YAY! We found it in October, and have been waiting ever since. Strangely enough that is also the month I first got pregnant. And today I also started my first non-miscarriage cycle. So today is a wonderful day, cramps and all! Today I get to paint, clean, and now that my body is working as it should, and that I am now on vitamins & baby aspirin that will help me carry a baby past 6 weeks.

Now the debate on to wait to the end of this cycle or not. From when I passed the sac til period start was 30 days, my usual cycle. I think we might try this month again, but will see how we are feeling at that time of my cycle. Also need to talk to James about it once more, because we said we were okay with trying as long as there was a cycle in between, but maybe we should wait one more. Everything I'm reading says that once cycle for blighted ovum is okay. Dr. said to wait 2 cycles so that my cycle will be normal. But this month was normal. Aaaahhh, I'm not gonna dwell on it. :-) or at least try not to. As for now I'm gonna go order my Ovulation Strips & Pregnancy Tests to be delivered to our new home.

Strangely Excited.

A few days ago a started spotting, this was like a leap of joy for every part of my being! I thought that my first cycle would bring dread and the fact of no longer being pregnant to my heart like a slap in the face. Yet, I began wondering before I saw the spotting, "What if I'm pregnant again?" I couldn't imagine such at this time. My body has been through the wringer I hadn't started any additional folic acid. And I want to try working on my health a little bit (like adding exercise & eating more fruits/veggies and less processed/fast foods). I've been able to stay away from caffeine for the most part, but my blood pressure was still high last time.

Anyways, when I saw the faint pink, I almost shouted out loud! Now it's day three of spotting, and I expect it to take of full blown at any moment. And with my calculations, with my normal 14 day Luteal Phase, I ovulated less than a week after my hcg dropping below pregnant. I thought I was going to start this weekend, and I know it's a period because it's been more than 20 days since I last had any bleeding. AAAhhh super excited. Now the debate if we wait one more month of just go for it.

The one thing that makes me a little nervous about trying now is the 6 month probation period that Thornapple has for new employees. It would mean about 3 months off of probation and I'd be on maternity leave lol. Oh well I'm gonna have faith in God, and look into the costs of short term disability. Between these two things I know James and I will get pregnant at the right time.

Cautious Happiness and Reserved Excitement

Well after my post on the 11th, I started to think about how late I was and on a whim Friday night decided to take another pregnancy test. What did my eyes see? A teeny tiny faint line. My stomach did flip flops with excitement. I didn't tell James that night (he was sleeping, and I was a little nervous because he was getting to a point that he was ok with waiting). Two more test the next morning showed a still faint, but little darker, positive. Same for Sunday, and today. The scary thing for me was all the cramping I had/have. It drives a woman crazy. Makes questions like, "Am I experiencing a chemical pregnancy and period is about to start?" or "is this going to be a miscarriage?" Yet, I can't worry. But I can be cautious. When the Nurse practitioner at Urgent Care told me that I was pregnant, my heart skipped a beat. James was with me to hear the news, but then she also told me with past of blood clot there's going to be more blood work the ob will have to do tomorrow. I freaked out when I called the Ob this morning and she told me to go to Urgent Care or ER because they didn't have any openings for today (being a new patient). Only people that know of this at this present moment are my husband, and Renee (probably Aaron too, your spouse is that one free tell lol). I am going to keep this a secret til we have our own place and feel confident that this little baby stick. It amazes me, the thought of being parents. July 18th, 2011 in case you are curious. The thing that gives me peace is I know I will meet this little creation at some point, whether it is here on earth or in heaven. God is Good.

On top of the pregnancy news today, we also learned that the bank gave another counter offer, $89,000. We have decided that we are going to offer $80,000 and pray that they will accept it! I am praying and hoping that we know for sure about the house by thanksgiving or James’s birthday at the latest. It is amazing to see all of things that we have been praying for finally happen.  Thank you Jesus, for all the good things I have. Thank you for shaping me in the waiting. Thank you for the blessed life that we live. 

Hope you are having a wonderful night,

God Bless

Jessica (Future Mommy To Be!)