Possibly, Maybe? Nope, Don't Get Too Excited.

11/30 - I took a three tests today. One looks very fainly positive, and other two negative. I am hoping for the first frer to be true. I saw it and did a double fist pump, yes...I was on the potty when I did this. Get a good humorous image. Laugh, and then do what I did...tear up! I am 10dpo

12/1 - I took two more tests, and I am thinking yesterdays were evaps. the frer test still has color on the outside of where the line should have been but nothing in the middle. The wondolf was a stark white BFN. 11dpo

12/2 - I took another test. I am out of frer. The wondolf was BFN. 12dpo. AND now AF type cramps are coming.

Stupid evil evaps. Conclusion? AF should be here by Wednesday. My bbs and n.ipples are sore. But the nip added now makes me think AF bc it is late in cycle. We shall see.

I really thought this month I was going to conceive. I just had this feeling deep within my heart. But feelings can be wrong I suppose.

BLAH.

Also, a Jack update...after the teeth escapade. He had uncontrollable diarrhea. Let's just say I didn't know he wasn't feeling well and left him out of kennel like I normally do. And now I have to clean my carpets this weekend. THEN when the runny poopy went away my husband noticed a worm in his formed poopy. That is right. I had to go BACK to the vet because he had tape worm. Shoot me now!

Back to my disappointment. I hadn't posted on here about it bc I had dreams of telling people on Christmas. Or waiting until valentines. I really wanted my Christmas wish. I wanted to see a heart beat and share the news with family. But alas, false hope. Like always. Why is it in the beginning it took 3 months to get pregnant. And I didn't get pregnant any month of clomid. It has been 5 cycles since my chem in June. And before that my last miscarriage was in January. That is a LONG flipping time.

God, why the long wait to bless us? How depressing it is. I see others get BFPs and truly get happy for them. But then I start to feel sad because it still hasn't happened for us. It has been a year since my first miscarriage and we still don't have our take home baby.  I am at my wits end Lord, and I truly need to hear your voice in all of this.

Bad Mommy to my Jack Jack

Our poor puppy today went in for a dental cleaning. They said it was going to be $70, but due to me checking that he could have teeth extracted if the doctor thought it was necessary.

I didn't know how bad they were. I knew the gums above two were red and inflamed, but only because last vet appointment he had pointed it out to me. But they were bad enough those two were pulled.

So the $70 bill turned into a $160 bill. So this month we have spent 300+ on Jackers. Money is ridiculous. Every month I think we are going to finally get to pay off debt or put money in savings the world laughs and toss more obstacles in front of our path.

I am sick of money issues. Which might be why my back is hurting today, stress can do crazy things to our bodies. I have also been super emotional today, irritable and unable to stop. Been on the brink of tears too many times to count today. Roller coaster!

Baby Update

My mom called me this morning after I got home, and let me know what is going on with the baby mama and her thoughts on adoption.

She is indeed 14, and wavering between adoption and keeping the baby. Her mom, my aunt, and Michael all think she should give the baby up for adoption. They are having a meeting with her tonight to talk over the pros of adoption vs keeping the baby. I should call my aunt and let her know we would be willing to allow her to keep in contact with the baby.

If she agrees to adoption, we will make a sit down meet and great with her. It feels like it is getting more real, I really should start looking up Michigan adoption rules.

I think it would be a blessing, and it would turn me utterly speachless. This girl could change our lives forever!

In the back of my mind I hum and haw over what if we get the go ahead for adoption, and then find out we are pregnant. I would struggle between feeling selfish for wanting to keep both, and feeling overwhelmed and blessed. Because what about my friends L & M? I want us both to be mommys at the same time!

God, my prayers are for fertility blessings to be bestowed upon my sisters in laws, and my friends trying to conceive. May you bless us all with a child and all that is to come with it. I pray in the waiting we will be gracious and filled with joy and hope for the future. And that one day this time of waiting will make sense, and be utterly worth it. I pray for the little baby growing in this young mother's womb. That you would help her to have the courage and strength to do whatever is right for this baby. And that you would give me the ability to accept whatever the answer is. May you keep your hand on us, and protect us from evil. Bless us all beyond our wildest imagination, and remind us this holiday season of Your amazing grace, goodness, and love. In your son Jesus Christ's name I pray, Amen!

Chocolate Milk Obsession...

I seriously don't know what is up with me lately. Usually I can talk myself out of picking up chocolate milk. But lately....not so much. I drank a hallf of gallon from thanksgiving on through the weekend. And today I couldn't say no at the gas station.

I am going to call it PMS. BUT in the back of my mind I take a survey of my possible "symptoms" of early pregnancy. Tender bbs, fatigue, frequent urination, bigger appetite, small cramps off and on....you get the picture.

I am 9dpo, so much for not counting days. So much for a super relaxed month. Did I mention I did end up testing? I succumbed to temptation and decided that the sooner I get them out of my house the less the temptation there will be. Because once they are gone I will not purchase until I experience a late period.

We got dumped on by snow, it is cold! So you would think my craving would be for hot chocolate...but it isn't! But because of snow, today at TSC I picked up a snow shovel, and an ash bucket for our pellet stove.

Speaking of cold...our front door entry way should be called our "breeze"way because if you stand by it you notice a substantially cooler temperature. When you place your hand near the door you can feel a not so subtle breeze blowing in. And our livingroom windows? Watch closely and you can see the curtains flow in the blustey breeze. Next spring/summer we WILL be getting new windows and doors. But for this winter....bring on the caulk, plastic window wrap, double layered curtains, and blanket over the front door (and possibly nailing it shut with board on the outside. I told James we could just go in and out through the garage. So we shall see what happens.

This weekend I would LOVE to be able to park in the warms and shelter of the garage!!

Hope this Wednesday brings each of you love and joy!

Jess

Achey Joints

I don't know if it is the snow or the vaccine but my joints are so achey. Like I could cry. I have resisted taking ibuprofen, but if it keeps it up idk how long that will last. I have tylenol 3 that is safe I believe for if possibly pregnant. If it doesn't go away, I am taking one!

Liebster Blog Award

Liebster is a German word which means "dearest" or "beloved". It is also used to refer to as someone's "favorite" and the idea of the Liebster Blog Award is to bring attention to blogs with less than 200 followers that deserve more recognition and encouragement.


I was blessed to be chosen by three lovely ladies My Journey to Conception by Lady Bug, My Journey Through TTC...so far... by Amy and Robert, and I think it is time by Crystal. These women have been a wonderful support and encouragement to me during my ttc journey.


There are certain rules that come with the Liebster Blog Award
1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.
2. Reveal your top five picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
3. Copy and paste the award on your blog.
4. Hope that the people you've sent the award to forward it on to their five favorite bloggers and keep it going!


First of all, I have to say I would have picked all three ladies listed above had they not chosen me first! 


Lady Bug - I know you are on your beginning of your TTC journey, but knowing that you have endo and possible issues ttc...there is no better place to go to than friends for support. Be it in the blogger world or in real life. The fact that you are going to get good medical help for free is such a blessing! I hope you get your baby sooner rather than later.


Crystal - Pregnant with triplets! Whoohoo! I am so glad your FET stuck, you are going to be one busy momma in the future. You give me hope and are such an amazing support system. I will always be here for you, no matter what situation. My husband was amazed that a "stranger" would send me a birthday card and a gift. But you are more than a stranger, though we haven't met in life...you are a great friend!


Amy  - Here is to our ttc journey and one day experiencing the joys of a BFP and pregnancy together! And also, I feel you are correct we will keep in contact for a long time, even if you stop blogging...I have your email! haha! :-) I hope you and your husband get your BFP together soon!


So now onto my five picks!!


Beauty Will Rise by Mattie - I am not sure if I have commented on her blog at all to be honest, but I follow her story, and have cried so many times reading through her blog. They have endured so much, two precious babies have entered into heaven. God has blessed her with a little boy, and she is now on a mission to adoption!


Chasing Our Stork: From ART to Adoption by Baby Hopes - I have only commented a few times on this blog as well but truly think her story is amazing. She and her husband had been actively ttc for 5-6 years. They started pursuing adoption and fully did not expect to get pregnant by themselves. They hoped, but weren't too optimistic. But SURPRISE!! They are! I know she has already been awarded, but she truly deserves it!


Foster Care: Our Love Story by Teresa - She is an amazing Mommy to her foster care babies. She gives me a glimpse into the world that James and I will probably one day enter. She herself also had fertility issues but found joy in foster care!


Life's a Dance by Jill - I have to apologize to Jill I have been a slacker friend lately. We have talked since before May. I was in a horrible spot with bitterness when she got her BFP. She is now 20 weeks and I plan on being a better blogger friend! Jill herself has the cutest little girl, two angel babies, and a little boy on the way. 


My Life, My Thoughts, My Journey by Ashley - She has been a good support system. Her and I both talk on a thread on www.countdowntomypregnancy.com. Ash recently got her very first BFP! After several horrific rounds on clomid, if all goes to plan she will be a mommy in August!

Emotional Moments.

I have a confession to make: I watch Sister Wives. It is a guilty pleasure. I used to say it is like a horrible train wreck, you want to look away but you can't. I don't agree with multiple wives, but think the large family is amazing. I could never participate in that relationship, I am too jealous of a person.

On the last episode of Sister Wives Robyn had her baby. I cried and cried at that moment. But then Robyn offered to be Meri's surrogate for her and Kody. Kody and Meri have been married for 20 years and have one child together. She has fertility issues. Kody told her he was willing for them to go through with IVF but she said no. The possibility of a surrogate really will make her question I bet.

Then I had a thought about my sister-in-laws. Jessi is pregnant, and Amy and Laura are trying. How amazing would it be if God blessed all of us with 2012 babies. I would love to experience pregnancy with all of them. What a joy to bring us ALL closer together. I will be honest, I may struggle if they all get pregnant and I am the lonely only. BUT I have a BIG God. And feel like this could be accomplished in Jesus Christ's will for our lives.

I have asked James to pray for this blessing to come to pass, and I am going to ask you to do the same.

I can remember when Jessi had Graysi and Amy had Molli telling Laura I felt like James and I were going to be the last to have kids after they were already done, and then all of my future babies' cousins would be much older than them. It is my wish for my children to grow up in a close knit fun loving relationship with aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins. I fear that the bigger the gap the harder it will be.

Before I go, I wanted to share a poem I wrote before James and I even decided to go ahead and start trying. Before I knew I had PCOS. Before we knew the ache and pain of loss. Innocence and prayer filled my heart that day, just as tears fill my eyes, and hope and prayers fill up my heart today.

Here it is:

You Are Loved

My heart cries out
Wanting fulfillment.
I've loved you already
And you aren't even here.
Not in my womb,
Not on this Earth.
But Jesus knows you.
And in my heart I pray.
I pray for your future,
For us to be good parents,
Your health and protection.
I've loved you already,
And only Jesus knows
When that time will come,
When I'll get to meet you,
Hear you heart beat,
Feel the tiny butterflies
As you move about inside.
Daddy already loves you.
And says I'll be a good Mommy.
But until you are here...
I shall wait for God.
For God's perfect timing.
For the cries of our hearts
To reach God's ears and be answered.
You're not even here yet...
And already you are so loved.

A Slacker's Update

Hey ladies (and gentlemen...though I doubt any read!), I have been super busy. I am on my sixth night in a row tonight. Working six in a row is tough in general add third shift to the mix and you get one cranky Jessica. I have had less than five hour uninterupted sleep any of the days except for today. I am looking forward to more sleep.

I am currently at the doctors for my physical for the RN program. I am excited to finally have it done. It is due December 9th. So on my day off I probably will be running up to the school.

I have three nominations for the Liebech (sp?!) award. I promise I will post on that tomorrow, sorry I haven't gotten back to these comments. I have been a slacker. Sorry!

I have one more crazy update from thanksgiving.

The SIL (from the East...HAHA ok that was bad...the one I haven't had issues with!) came in with her two girls in tow. The girls didn't have coats on and clinged next to her. I thought it was weird. And a few minutes in realized the littlest girl's shirt said, "Big Sister in Charge" after a five minute debate in my head, "is that a hand me down? No I don't remember Aud wearing it. She wouldn't let Grace wear it, ...would she? Wait. Does Aud's shirt say something? Is Jess pregnant? No they are done. Can it be? Ok I'm going in."

I moved next to the girls with my other SIL (she who must not be named) in between us. At this time I confirmed Aud's shirt said the same thing, so I said to Grace "Big sister in charge huh?" G is 3 and A is 5. A went crazy at this question, giggling and getting a crazy smile. "Guess what it means Aunt Jess!" After teasing and saying, I don't know, you tell me! I finally guess, "Does it have something to do with a baby?" "YES AUNT JESS, MOMMY IS PREGNANT!!!" Jessi (SIL) says to Audrey, "Yup and what do we call the baby?" "BooBoo!" Jessi, "Yup, because...whooops!" So I ask her how far along is she. She says she thinks about 3 months they have know for about 2 weeks.

Other SIL finally catches on, and shares with the whole family. So, I am going to be an Auntie again. She goes to the Dr Dec 1st. She isn't too excited, she obviously doesn't have fertility issues. She was on birth control. She took it like clock work, she is a pharmacist so she knows about medicine interactions. They had been talking about getting my BIL's junk in no more baby making order. You get the picture. So this pregnancy is a surprise. He is excited, she not so much. They already gave away all things baby, and she is none too excited.

But due to what I posted on last, nothing could get me down. The possibility of having a child of our own via adoption, possibly close to Jess is AMAZING! I am also about 8 dpo and experiencing fatigue (working a lot though + family thanksgivings is going to = lack of sleep), moodiness (lack of sleep = increased crankiness), and my bbs are tender (could be normal, but nips aren't hurting yet). So in about a week I will test to see if AF hasn't made her evil arrival.

I have thought about it, and if we are pregnant. And the girl wants to still put her baby up for adoption, I will give her us as an option or one of my good friends. I haven't talked to her about it, but L & M have been ttc for 2 years (or there abouts). She is the one that was concerned about a brain tumor (and got cleared! No worries about that! This upcoming cycle may be her first time going through with an IUI, it depends if her interview goes well and she gets a new job offer!). Anyways, they plan on adopting as well. So if for some reason the girl isn't comfortable with us, or maybe just maybe we get pregnant and decide we don't want two at once (idk if that would happen!) we could give her another option of a close friend that I am sure would be willing to work with the mom if she ever wanted to visit.

Update: went to doctor Tdap, tb test, and 6 viles of blood drawn later I have to wait about a week until I can have all my paperwork to turn into the RN department at school.

Also, my best friend Jenny sent me a text today, they had to put her dog down. She was very old and pretty sick/weak. She knows the dog is in a better place and no longer in pain, but definitely missing her doggie already. Please keep her in your prayers! May God give her peace and healing during this tough time.

Glimmer of Hope.

Before I give you the glimmer of hope I have had, I have to give you background history.

My Aunt Kathy lost her baby girl at 21 days old when I was in 5th grade. She had a son at the time, and eventually went on to have another baby girl. Due to this loss, an alcoholic husband, and not knowing God my Aunt subconsciously (or consciously I am not sure) stopped disciplining her children. Now her son Mike is 17, and has been to juvie twice, is up for more accounts of stealing, has been on a tether, and in the past lived with my mom for almost a year. Her daughter Samantha Jo didn't go on to be remembered in their family. Uncle Nick turned to alcohol to drink away his pain. She couldn't be discussed. It makes me terribly sad. Ashley is now 10 (or turning ten next month!) and is behind in almost every class. My heart hurts for them. If I had been older I would have fought to have them myself. To be not only their cousin but their guardian. If if if....I wish that I could do more to help them. I think about them and my heart cries out, tears sometimes flow, and I get angry at my Aunt for not treasuring the miracles in front of her.

My cousin Mike pretends to have this hard front, but I think he acts out to get attention. Any attention is better than being forgotten. When he lived with my Mom she asked him if he wanted to stay with her, he said no after a huge hesitating quiet moment. He said no so he wouldn't hurt his Mom. And instead he has hurt his own future. He is a good boy, but I am afraid he will always be a boy in a man's body due to lack of parenting.

Skip back to about a month ago, to an episode of Adoption Story (yes the show is still on Discover Fit and Health). Two back to back episodes of open adoptions. And I said a little prayer in my heart that I would take a baby however God decided to grant me with one. Be it natural, international adoption, domestic adoption, or foster care....or one of each. It has been on the back of my mind, along with the questioning of will I ever get to experience pregnancy? when will I get to see another BFP?


Skip back to two days ago. I got a text from my sister Stacey. She said Mike got a girl knocked up. My gut turned. And questions flew out..."How old is the girl?" "WHAT? How is is that HE can get a girl pregnant, but I can't get pregnant?!" "What does the girl plan on doing with the baby?" She jokingly called me a baby stealer. Just joshing, but I can see how crazy women choose to steal babies! They are just insane for following that crazy idea! (I promise I am not one of those crazy women!)

Today I was talking to my mom on the phone to get more information on what is going on with this "situation". All the while hoping she wasn't going to tell me that the girl was going to opt for an abortion. The girl is 14 or 15. Her mother do not want her to keep the baby. The girl herself smokes pot. I am trying not to judge her, but the questions again fill my thoughts..."How can SHE get pregnant?!" "Seriously?!?" Mom filled me in on possibility, but unlikely charges of statutory rape (the mom lets the daughter smoke pot...I don't think age of sex partner really matters...especially if she let them date).

Then Mom says this to me. "Ashley said to me, 'Aunt Sue I am going to be an aunt!' So I asked her, what Michael thought about the girl being pregnant. Then Ashley said, 'He says it is okay because they are just going to give the baby to Jessica!"

I fought back tears, and hope. And the mixture of both. The questioning started again, "God is this why we haven't gotten pregnant? Is this why I saw those episodes of open adoptions? What if this really comes to pass? What if I am getting excited for nothing?" I still haven't told James, but I will today. I was praying yesterday for good news on thanksgiving. What if this is our good news?

On the flip side, Mike is all for me...but what if she isn't? I need to look up adoption information for domestic adoption. I don't even know how far along she is. God protect her pregnancy. And give me peace about this if it is where our first baby is going to come from.

Happy Thanksgiving, I am holding back tears! Last year I was experiencing the worst of my miscarriage this day, this year I am filled with hope. No promises, only hope.

♥ Jess

Doom and Gloom NO More

Well after freaking out all morning about the dreaded financial aid fiasco I decide to check it again (after checking countless times this morning) and lo and behold...my financial aid is in place again.

No phone call. No explanation. Magically it is there. And a weight is lifted off my shoulders (a HUGE weight mind you!). I had been thinking about what it would be like waiting ANOTHER year to start the program. (Update: just got a phone call when finishing this post. There was a glitch in the system when they upgraded it. I was one of a handful of people that got booted off the site and had to be re-added.)

THEN I hear a honk from outside. It is a vehicle I do not recognize. Upon getting closer I realize it is the mail lady. And then start leaping with joy inside as I remember my friend Crystal was sending me something in the mail today.

I quickly grab the mail from our mail lady (whom I now can say have officially met, and she seems pretty nice). And run inside to open my package. And this is what I find...

The monkey laughs when you squeeze it's toes. It is called tickle toes haha. I love it. When I opened it I started smiling and laughed quite a bit when I heard the giggling monkey. 

Then I opened the card. And the water works started. Tears of joy and thanksgiving, tears of feeling blessed for having a friend that would send me such a gift and kind words.

The front of the card reads, 

"Thinking of you at thanksgiving. 

There are people who touch our lives in ways that they themselves don't even know."

And the inside?

"You're one of these special people."

With a special note.

The note made me cry.

Why?

The monkey has been prayed over by her, her sister, and her mom to help us conceive. 

I texted Crystal, thanking her. And let her know, I now officially have my future child's first stuffed animal. When I am feeling down about waiting I can remember those who are praying for me simply by looking at the monkey. And if I am super sad, I can squeeze the toes to hear laughter to brighten my heart.

I am blessed.

On another note. Of other happenings in my life....

Don't mind the messy hair, my nephew decided to play with it and frizzify any potential curls popping up.
Also notice the swoopy bangs. Went long so I could decide later if I want them to go shorter.

My new hair cut about an inch or two taken off and added layers

This is what we installed last weekend and is heating our house.

And don't mind that it is sideways
(have I mentioned how much I hate that you can't turn them on here...)
These are the pellets that got passed down through the window.
Not looking forward to doing this once a month in the winter.

 Well that is it for today, I am off to spend minimal amount as possible on groceries to last us til Wednesday. We are on a VERY tight budget this week. Looking forward to next weeks pay check with holiday pay.

♥ Have a blessed Day! ♥
Jess

Cloud of Doom and Gloom is Hanging Over Me

Today I am a cloud of doom and gloom.

First I log on to check my email and I get one that says my financial aid payment has increased from 380 to 780 for 2 months. I log on to my school website and low and behold suddenly I don't have financial aid any more? WTH? So I looked and I did my entrance quiz so who knows if my school will fix it before my first payment is due and my acct is drawn into the negative December 5th (seriously I have 12 days to get this fixed and either get my financial aid figured out or find 780 dollars some how...that is more than our house payment!)

Secondly I feel excited for women getting their BFP or good news but then I have this moment of depression for myself. It makes me start thinking that it will never happen for me, that life isn't fair, yada yada yada...negative Nancy I know. I try to change my stinkin' thinkin' but I am SUCKING at it lately.

Thirdly, I seriously had a discussion with my husband last night about going back to TTC simply so we can have sex on a set schedule instead of him being tired or making up excuses because our schedules don't line up. We made it work when TTC but now that we aren't it doesn't. I don't think so, NOT working for me. Ok so I am being a b word about it. I sometimes do think if there is something wrong with James for me to have a bigger sex drive than him. Stupid PCOS.

 I am stressed out. Stupid MONEY. We stopped TTC because of money, if financial aid doesn't go through I will have to not go to school because of money. I HATE money. This isn't right, gah I am so ready for once to have one thing work out smooth without too many hiccups.

Lastly, on a whim I decided to get my hair cut last night by a friend. M came over and watched "Once Upon a Time" with me, followed by "Last Man Standing" and "New Girl". At least these shows make me feel good with laughter and their plot lines. An escape for me I suppose. I now have small swoop bangs that are really more like a shorter layer to my plethora of layers. My curls are back! And my hair feels so much lighter. At least I have one thing going for me.

My Coworker's Dreams. My Hope.

My coworker (we will call her HH) she tends to have dreams that come true or were true in the past. She has had a dream where I had a baby boy and recently another where I am pregnant.

It makes me even more hopeful. But, I am trying to remember my hope comes from the Lord and only He knows how the future will unfold.

This month is the first month in ages that I have had abundant ewcm, I had my +opk already but I am still getting stretchy ewcm so I am not 100% sure I ovulated already or am gearing up still. Guess we had better BD again today to make sure we do everything we can to catch the egg (oh darn haha).

On a side note my back hurts, I need to go to the chiropractor. Me + Steps + The Dark + Trying to be Quick & Quiet = Bad Plan. I feel right on my butt down 2 or 3 steps enough for me to laugh at myself and then realize OUCH my back hurts. I may have to see about going today, it is all sorts of out of wack. Not fun.

Birthday Weekend

Sorry I have been MIA I have had a pretty fabulous weekend.
But I do have to tell you all Thursday and Friday were rough. I worked 28 hours in 48. I worked as a sub at the day care and at my normal job. I am not really looking forward to this week, the only day I have off is Tuesday night.
Anyways, my sisters came over Friday night and helped me get the house ready for the big party Saturday. I am so blessed with amazing sisters! And my husband spent the night hooking up our new pellet stove. Unfortunately we had to buy cauk so we couldn't have it going that night. We had a delicious dinner of baked potatoes with bacon and cheese, and yummy pork. We watched tv and relaxed.
Saturday was leaf raking (we got the whole front yard done!) followed by some snuggle time with my nephew. Then came the big party! We chopped up veggies for pizza toppings and when 6:30 came we started popping them in the oven. We made like 8 cookie sheet sized pizzas, and each type was equally delicious: bbq pork, chicken alfredo, pepperoni, pepperoni w/mushroom, supreme, meat lovers, ham w/pinapple and bacon, garlic bread.
Everyone was together, the house was crazy...but I LOVED it! All three neices and nephew, my sisters, my mom, James' dad and stepmom, and his siblings. Plus my best friend and her fiance, and two other friends. We definitely had a full house, and it was a blast! We watched the kids' crazy energy, and ate some delicious cake. Before I knew it people were headed home and saying we need to do it again sometime (James asked me if we could get together like that for his birthday...it is December 9th LOL might be too close together for his family haha they aren't used to all getting together at the same time).
I love having a full house and making food for everyone. I definitely turn into susie homemaker and get busy. but most of all I love seeing both of our families together having a blast.
Sunday was Red Robin (Yummm!) Lol and was fun also. I was a little annoyed when a small group of friends left an hour in because they had to make it to the movie theater to see a showing that was 30 min away. Annoyed me BADLY! I was like seriously?
And though I tried not to focus on it, in the back of my mind was...today was the day last year you got the news you were going to miscarry. And it made me overly sensitive and crabby.
The day was a good one though, ended with naps for Gauge my sister and I, followed by left over pizza and "yogrit" as he says (yogurt!). He is 3 and gosh darn cute. He says, "shut the front door!" And "What the poopsicle" and I love it when he says "waddle waddle waddle" as he walks like a penguin. We went to my mom's house after dinner and watched a little TV before heading home and playing the wii with SIL (she who must not be named if you didn't make the connection).
TMI ALERT. STOP READING IF IT ISN'T FOR YOU!
I decided on a whim to use an opk and see if ovulation was here. And what did my eyes see? A first line before the second appeared. I had had ewcm more this week than ever so I am hopeful. We weren't going to BD because of SIL in nephew sleeping next door. So I didn't attack, but made it known I wish I could. Instead...he attacked me and said, "I think we can be quiet." It had been a long time (like 4 days or so) since we had BD'd so it was fantabulous, and I had the other big O twice during so that always helps make it better ;-). We used preseed and afterwards I slipped in one of the instead cups. Here's to hoping and one long 2ww. I am going to do my hardest not to think about it (the long work week should help!) and not test until AF is due. Which is now December 5 or 6. Before I said December 4th so that might be the day.
I cannot express how excited I would be if this was the month. The words to "I Would Die For That" are stuck in my head..."Cuz I would die for that, just to have one chance. To hold in my hand all that they have, I would diiie for that." "He wonders if it's him, I wonder if its me. All I want is a family, like everyone else I see. And I won't understand it, if its not meant to be."
Good song.
A small mention of a big thought (post later) at church we talked about our battle with being content vs discontent and how it can affect us. I am so blessed to have found this church during the beginning of this series. There is so much healing going on in my heart and soul. Are you content (satisfied) with what you have? Or do you crave more? I hope to find the video church played also, it made me realize how bad it is to compare what James and I have to others. I am going to work on being content with our lives. Whether or not we have kids at the moment, or whether or not it is our time to have nicer things in our home. I am going to be working on being thankful in everything so I can see past the small battle (infertility and jealousy) and battle with the true issue at hand: discontentment.
Well that is all I have time for now, going to try to snooze for a bit before my sister gets here, I have to drop her off at school today.
Peace, Love, and Blessings to you all!
♥ Jess

No Promises, Only Hope

I have to be honest this birthday has been good. But definitely not as good as last year was knowing I was pregnant. I logged on and caught up on blogs, my friend Ashley had a song posted "I Would Die For That" I will post it later. I am on my phone so it is too hard to do that.

It made me bawl. I couldn't help but thinking about the past year. But here's to a new year. I am now 24, so what I have experienced a year of infertility and 3 miscarriages. This is a new year. And I have hope.

Today was a pretty good day. I got to leave work at 1 this morning. So I got to sleep next to my hubby. Woke up at 630 and did laundry, dishes, and made french toast for my sister, my husband, and me. I took my sister to school. And by 9am James was getting dressed so we could run into town.

We picked up his glasses (and he looks mighty fine in them! ;-D) and then went to buy a rake. James decided we needed to go look at the John Deere store. He wanted to show me the equipment has been drooling over. And someday I hope that dream becomes a reality.

Once home he started raking, and I decided I wanted to help. So I left for (another not the same one!) town to go to bank and pick up another rake. Once home James had decided it was too windy (I have to see if wind has died down here in a bit) to continue raking.

Then came the birthday lovin' girls at work teased me about when I left work early last night. Haha. Something within me said that we will conceive soon. I don't know if it was God speaking to me or my false hope that has invaded month after month.

I had noticed ewcm, so the ttc part of me decided to use an opk. It was darkish but definitely not positive. Thinking I am going to continue using opks and then be done with them when they are gone. I won't purchase more, but they are too tempting when they are in my bathroom drawer.

Biblical Principles within Battles

Church has been very healing lately. This series on "The Battle" will be going on until January or so. It will be a good reminder of God as I battle through so many hard emotions and memories the next couple months. This Sunday we went through 4 principles that we should hold onto when facing any battle in our lives.

1. Hold onto a biblical perspective of your battles.
Jesus said that in this world there would be troubles, we will have to face them. Make sure you remember that prayer and faith does not mean you will not have trouble.

"Yes, and everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will suffer persecution" 

2 Timothy 3:12

"Dear friends, don't be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through, 

as if  something stranger were happening to you."

1 Peter 4:12

2.We need to hold on to God's purposes for our battles

• maturity 

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 

because you know that the testing of your face produces perseverance. 

Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

James 1:2-4 

• ministry

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, 

the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, 

so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 

For just as we share abundantly inn the sufferings of Christ, 

so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 

If we are distressed it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in your patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 

And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you 

share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort."

2 Corinthians 1:3-7

(To the ladies currently dealing with TTC struggles or those who have fought and won...

this is for you, because without you I would be lost. I thank God that you are in my life!)

• eternity

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, 

yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

3. We need to hold onto a proper response to the battles we face. 

This point brought tears to my face instantly. I had just read in The Power of a Praying Woman about making sure you are using the fruits of the Spirit. Joy obviously is one of them, and it was a tough one to admit...I haven't been joyful! And then Pastor D said, "Choose Joy!" in the midst of our battles we must choose joy, because we know that God is for us. He has not forgotten about us, in the end things will work out. So though it is hard (and I have a hard time practicing this...) we need to choose joy, thankfulness, 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, 

who have been called according to his purpose."

Romans 8:28

"If God is for us, who can be against us?"

Romans 8:31

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed;perplexed, but not in despair; 

persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."

2 Corinthians 4:8-9

Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter,

You will restore my life again;

From the depths of the Earth you will again bring me up.

Psalms 71:20

4. We need to hold onto the promises of God in our battles.

These promises are assurances that God gives us so we can walk by faith in midst of battle until His purpose comes to pass.

My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.

Psalm 119:50

They also passed out little crosses as a reminder, along with cards with 5 promises from God.

1. God is always with me (I will not fear)
2. God is always in control (I will not doubt)
3. God is always good
4. God is always watching (I will not falter)
5. God is always victorious (I will not fail)

On the back of the card Pastor D had as write what our battle of the moment is on the back so we could look at the card and remember God's promises pertaining our battles. What did I write? Infertility. Bitterness. My husband? Infertility. Anger. We both have issues, but God will see us through.

I hope you all have a wonderful day. 

God bless!

♥ Jess

Thoughts a Year Later

Well it has been one year since my first positive test. Today of last year I would be at the ER in hopes of finding out if my pregnancy was eptopic due to pain or what was going on. They saw nothing. Tomorrow is my birthday by the way. Definitely not feeling too excited about getting older.

Part of me wishes that we will be like our good friends that got pregnant a year after their miscarriage. But, while my heart cries out for this...I just have a feeling it won't be coming true for us. I am hopeful, but not holding my breath.

To be honest, I am starting to think that we will not have children that are biologically ours. A little girl asked me, "Do you have kids?" When I said, "No not yet." She asked me, "Well what if you never have kids?" It stung a little, but I answered truthfully, "Then we will adopt."

"What does 'adopt' mean?"
"It means that a baby someone else has, I would sign lots of papers and talk to a judge, and then the judge would let us be the baby's parents."
"Wait...is that LEGAL?"
"Yes, it is legal."

End of conversation.

It felt like God was asking me, "What if you never have kids, will you love me? Will you choose to follow my will for your life?"

I feel like my answer was a good one, and an honest answer.

But, I have to be honest. The craving to experience pregnancy would possibly lead me to a couple rounds of IVF. One being biological and another being with donor embryos. I feel like donor embryos is like adoption, but at an earlier stage of life.

On a different note, I plan on posting on Sunday's service if I can find my paper from service. It was a good one. I cried my eyes out, it was about God's Promises and how to hold onto them. But, for now I am going to shower and go order my birthday cake.

Prayers are Working

For those of you who have recently said a prayer for me, thank you.

Today is a better day. I am thinking again God truly wants us to adopt. But I still hope I get to experience all the joys of pregnancy. I am hoping the bad days will become further and further apart.

I am blessed with a pretty darn good husband, a life that hasn't made me take anything for granted, yet allows me to still be full of hope. God has made me sensitive, creative, loving, honest, and easily amused. Yet, I still experience anger, bitterness, grief, and jealousy. I am not perfect, but God is perfecting me.

I am a Mom at heart. I hope to exude the heart of Christ to others, and I pray for my future children. I aspire to be the Psalm 31 woman. I want my kids to rise up and call me blessed, I want to be valued as more than jewels to my husband.

Things will get better, after all...joy comes in the morning!

Facing the Possibilities

Facing infertility and the possibility of not having children is more than facing not experiencing pregnancy.

It is facing the possibility of...
Not seeing you husband walking your daughter down the aisle.
Not going to little kid sporting events.
Not getting to watch your baby's firsts (smile, rolling over, crawling, word, walking...etc).
Not getting to watch a child graduate.
Thinking about what else the used to be planned nursery can be.
Forever feeling like a failure as a woman.
Fearing that any potential adopted children would be viewed as second choice by family, when they had just as much been part of our plan.
Seeing more and more women get pregnant while you still long for a baby years later.

It means...
Seeing facebook statuses and having a pit in your stomache instead of joy when you think another woman is pregnant.
Avoiding the baby aisle in the store.
Or walking through the baby aisle, and dreaming...
And then crying because it is just that...a dream.
Having to find a new way to love God after loss.
Having to form relationships with friends all over, because some people don't know how to deal with sadness and grief.
No longer being able to watch Baby Story without crying sad tears instead of happy tears for the couples.

Or that's what it means to me.

I was bad and looked up dates. November 12, 2010 I got my first faint positive, but didn't tell James. Repeat on 13, but told James. Another 2 faint positives 14th. 15th had ultrasound to check for ectopic, only saw cysts on ovaries. HCG was 101. Started Lovenox on my birthday (16th). 17th my temp dropped on bbt, made me nervous and not dbling level didn't help. HCG 130. Progesterone 9.7...started prometrium. Still was hopeful and full of prayer. 18th bbt dropped lower. 19th bbt same, and got news miscarrying. HCG 104. It was the hardest day of my life. I have never cried such earth shattering tears before in my life. After I stopped prometrium I spotted for 2 days, and started heavy flow on the 22nd. By the 27th my bloodwork came back no longer pregnant. HCG was 2. Happy freaking Thanksgiving.

Infertility and Miscarriages suck.

Blue Sort of Day

Or maybe I should say white? Because today is the first snow fall for my area in Michigan. And can I say BOO to that? UGH! We STILL do not have our heat hooked up mind you. So we are heating based on 2 electric heaters. Which are doing wonderful, but it is still chilly in here. Definitely blanket and hoodie weather.

But I am just down today. No more baby story. James is getting into watching it. I think he is hopeful that it will happen for us soon, but I am quickly loosing hope. One year after first miscarriage and no baby still. 17 months of ttc without any truly good news.

I am glad we decided to skip out on HSG this month. My student loans have decided to go out of deferment and now battling with them trying to get them deferred so I don't have to pay on them for 2 months before I start school again. And THEN learned that one I can't deffer for longer than 5 years. And guess what? This coming April will be 5 years. So in the midst of school and working less I will have to figure out how to budget another 100 in for student loans. Joy.

Our dog also hurt his back. Or that is the conclusion for now. He is eating still when I put wet food mixed in with his dry, and I watched to make sure he did his business this morning (#2). But I am still nervous and worried about my boy. He is so not himself. He is sad and depressed looking, and just lays there. We spent 150 on updating his vaccines and different sort of medicines. We have anti-yeast, anti-inflammatory, steroid, and a muscle relaxant. We also need to still buy a powder to sprinkle on his hot spots, which freaked me out a little bit when doctor said they are like small staph infections. And we are taking him to get his teeth cleaned at the end of this month. His gums are inflamed and he has major tartar build up. I feel like a bad mommy for not noticing. So the 30th they will put him under and do the cleaning.

Poor guy. He is our baby, and I just want him better! For now we have to carry him up/down stairs and are not allowing him on furniture for fear of him jumping off and hurting himself. At night we are putting him in his kennel instead of in the room with us. Which he doesn't seem to mind too much because that is where he is sleeping at the moment.

While at the vet I decided to get a quote to update the cats vaccines and such. I told James we need to keep up on that stuff before I will allow us to get a puppy. So he is gung ho for doing it now, if only we had the pellet stove installed already...then I would say yes. We still need to get our furnace checked over, pellet stove installed, and fuel oil filled for just in case. And so far this month we have spent the money that would have filled the fuel oil tank on much needed glasses for James (his glasses are so scratched he is getting headaches and having a hard time seeing at night...which isn't good because he drives home at 1am) and the vet. Oh well, God will provide....right? *sigh*

Because of money I picked up Thanksgiving night. I wouldn't have money to go shopping this year on Black Friday anyways, so might as well have a bigger pay check. Have I mentioned it is 6 days til my birthday too, and not even sure we will have the $ to celebrate that. Feeling like whoop di freakin' doo. I will be 24. 24 and dreaming of being a Mom. Hopefully my 24th year will bring better things to me than my 23rd.

Cheers! (notice sarcasm).

Sorry I am a downer.

I will be back to my normal not so blue self soon, hopefully.

Devotion

I get a daily devotion through BibleGateway.com named Girlfriends in God. One that truly struck me was Fresh Hope for the Journey - Part 2 by Mary Southerland. The link should lead you there.

I will post more on this later, I kind of forgot I had it schedule (and had intentions to write on what struck me when reading this devotion).

Okay, I'm Listening

"God is not the author of confusion but of peace." 1 Corinthians 14:33

God is definitely trying to reach out to me. He doesn't want me to be confused. The past week one scripture has filled my daily devotion, scripture verse in my email, Sunday sermon, and Power of a Praying Woman by Stormie Omartian. These verses:

Ephesians 6:10-12

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, 

so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against 

flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, 

against the powers of this dark work, and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

This is one verse leads into the Armor of God. A verse in the past I never could manage to memorize, but surely one I will be working on to memorize. I remember recently I had this thought about I am not strong enough to endure this any longer. But I heard God whisper to me, a voice that said, "No but I am strong enough for you." And He is. I need to keep my full armor of God in place so I can stand strong, with God's help to face the evils in this world. Maybe I sound crazy, but I know it was God.

I have been a basket case this week. I have been confused on what I am content with doing, but God's scripture says he is not the author of confusion, but of peace. So I am praying for peace in this journey. This month and the next few months are going to be so hard. My heart is breaking more and more each day. The closer I get to my year anniversary of finding out I was pregnant, of my first ever doctor appointment at an OB, the day my heart broke into thousands of millions of pieces. The day I got the news I was miscarrying. That day is getting closer. 

But, I am working on getting closer to God in the midst of all of this.

I am a big fan of the book I am reading. Here are some highlights of my favorite quotes from the past few days of reading (I have the book that is three in one - Power of a Praying Wife, Power of a Praying Parent, and Power of a Praying Woman).

"If you aren't experiencing any breakthrough in your life, check to see if you have truly surrendered yourself to the Lord. Have you given Jesus that place of Lordship? Have you let go of everything?" (page 81)

"Lord, I need to have your Word come alive to me again. Make that happen, Father. Clear my mind and soul. teach me new things. Help me to go deeper into Your Word than ever before." (page 87)

And then this last chapter. Background history? I was sitting down to watch TV when I heard another whisper that said, "Am I less important than the television?" Talk about cutting me to the core. So instead of watching TV I sat down to read a chapter out of my book. The title of the chapter? "Lord Instruct Me as I Put My Life in Right Order" Think so? I think God was clear as crystal this morning to me. I teared up just seeing the title.

"Your relationship with the Lord must always have top priority over everything else. The Lord said, "You shall have no other gods before Me" (Exodus 20:31), and He means it. God wants your undivided attention. When you seek Him first every day and ask Him to help you put your life in order, He will do that.....when we don't seek God first, our lives get out of control." (Page 97)

"God is a God of order. We can tell that by looking at the universe. None of it is random or accidental. He doesn't want our lives to be either." (Page 97)

"Submission is something you decide to do, not something someone forces you to do." (Page 97)

Infertility and loss has definitely impacted my relationship with the Lord. TTC and our hopeful future has often times became a more frequent priority than God. I know that this all has been for a purpose, often questioning why it is happening. It isn't by accident, God didn't at random choose me to experience infertility. And in the midst of it all, I need to decide to submit to God's will for my life. He isn't going to force me, He wants me to choose. Even if it meant that I would have to experience loss after loss, year after year of infertility. I am not saying submitting to God's will will magically change my future with infertility. But it will make it easier if I am leaning on God will all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength.

For those that might not know, James and I have been struggling with the decision of where our church home is supposed to be. I still haven't found peace, but this chapter talked about this as well. Accident? I think not.

"The Bible says we should submit to authority figures designated by God in our church, in our family, in our work, and in our government. To be in right order and have our lives work well, we need to be planted in a church home. It gives us a base of operation. We can't get as far as God wants us to go without it. Each church has a unique distinction and purpose, and you will not be happy until you find the one God has for you. This doesn't mean you have to go to a different church every week until you find one that is perfect and makes you 100 percent happy. They don't exist. Churches are, after all, made up of imperfect people like us. What it does mean is that you need to ask God to show you where your church family is." (Page 100)

"I know that if my life is not in proper order I will not receive the blessings you have for me." (Page 102)

I am going to work on the priorities, placing God at the top so I can fully receive His blessings. In the meantime, I am going to work on leaning more on word. These are a few:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; 

in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6

The Word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, 

piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, 

and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.

Hebrews 4:12

He who heeds the word wisely will find good, 

and whoever trusts in the Lord, happy is he.

Proverbs 16:20

Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness,

and all of these things shall be added to you.

Matthew 6:33

Change in the Plan of Action

After a long discussion with my husband a different choice was made. I will not be doing the hsg. No trip to the seminar, no RE.

We have decided to take a 6 month break from craziness. We will be NT/NP only marking start of new cycle on calendar so somewhere in the 30-35 day mark I can take a hpt if no AF. This will allow me to stop feeling so crazy (hopefully) and help James and I to relax from timed intercourse.

We will be focusing on our finances (paying off some debt and getting a savings back in place), our health (hoping to join the gym and start some sort of healthy eatting plan), our walk with Jesus (I have to admit it hasn't been a nice one lately...I get so bitter and focused on ttc), and our relationship as husband and wife.

Six months means April, right before our 2 year mark would have been reached. I am struggling emotionally because this month marks the year mark to my first loss. A year that baby Abby has been gone. This time last year I was testing early and getting BFNs, 4 days from now I got my very first BFP.

9 days and I turn 24. I never knew I would be 24 and have experienced 3 losses, never knew that I would still be without children. Facing the fact that maybe it isn't in the plans for uus is hard. So while in school I want to start a baby fund, one that we can use for our baby if we get pregnant, more advanced fertility treatments (if we go that route), or adoption.

So six months, no progesterone testing. No opks. No bbt. No clomid. I will stay on metformin in hopes of it helping me to shed some weight. If I get pregnant wooohooo, if not it allows us to focus on what we want to focus on, and it will allow me to re-evaluate if pregnancy in the nursing program is what I want to experience.

I am tired and going to fall back into dreamland, I will update on more soon. Hope you will still stick beside me even if I am not in psycho ttc mode (let's face it I have been crazy lately).

Love Jess.

God's Message to Me. (This is a LONG one)

Last week I picked up The Power of a Praying Woman and started reading where I left off. The title of the chapter was "Lord, Strengthen Me to Stand Against the Enemy". It was a good read. Two of my favorite quotes from it were as follows:


"Just as God has a plan for you, so does Satan. Satan's plan is to steal from you and destroy your life. "The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy" (John 10:10)."


"I'm a good person, so why is he attacking me? Many people have asked this question, but the question answers itself. The enemy attacks you because you are a good person. The devil will always attack anyone who loves God and lives His way."


It really made me think about things in life lately, how I truly wonder how well I have been standing up to the temptations from Satan. If I have been believing his lies. If I had forgotten about Ephesians 6:12 "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places."


How many times have I gotten upset with friends and family due to their insensitive comments pertaining to trying to conceive and such. The devil wants me to get upset. To break down bonds between myself and those I love. Am I saying that I will never get upset? That is impractical, what I am trying to do is take away some of the footholds that the devil may have in my life.


THEN Sunday came around, a night or two after I had read the chapter in my book. Sunday's message was based around "The Battle" He focused on seven points, but I was lost too deep in thought about how this lined up with my reading that I missed out on number seven (sorry!)


1. Everyone called by God enters into the battle. (examples: Joseph - slavery, accused of rape, David - adulterer, had to run from Saul, Moses - 40 years in the desert, the grumbling people)
2. Sometimes people see the battles that they face as evidence of a poor Christian walk (example: Job)
3. Some people see the battles in their lives as a negative reflection of God.
4. People sometimes don't/won't see the battles in their lives as having to do with spiritual warfare.
5. Although we share the same enemies, we won't always share the same battles (examples: depression, un-forgiveness, worry & doubt, addictions, infertility *ok I added that last one*)
6. Although we don't fight the same battles, we share the same God and same promises.


Every single point hit home with me. Before I found God I was under trials because Satan didn't want me to find that joy and hope. After I found God I am now under trials not because God doesn't care, but because I care about God. If I were to become less like God and not care about Him, I am sure I would have less trials in my life...but that is NOT an option. I have questioned myself if my walk was a major problem with our infertility (like when we hadn't tithed..., how I haven't been reading my Bible, not praying hard enough...etc). But it does nothing but make me feel guilty and low, instead of pushing me to do those things more. 


I haven't really thought about how our infertility could be a spiritual battle. I just questioned God, WHY have you allowed this to happen, WHY haven't you taken this away from us?


The Pastor then went on to speak on Romans 8:28-39

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son, so that his Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And having chosen them, he called them to come to Him. And having called them, He gave them right standing with himself. And having given them right standing, he gave them his glory.

What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won't he also give us give us everything else? Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one--for God himself has given us right standing with himself. Who then will condemn us? No one--for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting the place of honor at God's right hand, pleading for us.

Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean He no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? As the scriptures say, "for your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep." No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow--not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below--indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Everything will work out for good according to God's will. Be it adoption, natural pregnancy, or ART. I can allow myself to have a divide placed between me and God, or I can focus on the future in fervent prayer. I am going to start praying for my future children. I do not know how they will come to us, but I do know they will be immensely loved, cared for, and blessed.  Through prayer I am hoping my focus on infertility will lessen as I grow deeper in love with Christ. I will focus on the blessings I have, and those I can bestow upon my children when he chooses to give them to us. 


This battle will never be over. But God will forever have my heart. HE will work things out, even when I think I am trying to work them out for Him. The scripture "In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus, concerning you." 1 Thessalonians 5:18


I am thankful that God has the future planned out. That everything will work out for good. I can sit here and let worry and doubt cloud my future, or I can pray for clarity in my decisions. I can face the battle with God by my side. Clothed in God's best for me. 

The Armor of God

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on prayer for all the Lord's people. Pray also for me that whenever I speak, words may be given to me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

♥ Jess 

Plan of Action

I have decided that I am going to go to a seminar at a Michigan infertility clinic. If I attend then I get a certificate for a free first initial consultation. I will then use this to talk about what my plan of action will be, and maybe, just maybe, we will go ahead with the reproductive endocrinologist sooner rather than later.

I have had waves of sadness hit me today. I might need to back off reading the blogs in which the writers are pregnant for a little while. It isn't anything against any of them...I just can't do it at the moment. I am thinking about taking a break from all things ttc, blogging included. But we shall see.

I took a long "nap" today. I laid down for my usual 3-4 hour nap for the night after working when I don't work that next night. Instead, I shut off my alarm and slept for 8 hours straight. 8 hours. I haven't slept that many hours straight in at least 3 months probably. I must have needed it. Because I am tired already. I probably won't sleep long tonight, but I will get to cuddle with my husband.

We have a busy morning tomorrow, so I sincerely hope that my cramps do not get worse than they are. I currently have popped my 800 ibuprofen in hopes to keep them at bay (ha! I know how bad they were last cycle). I have to say, these cramps are like when I was younger. So it makes me wonder if I was ovulating them and weight is the issue. I stopped getting these bad of cramps when I passed over probably 150-160lbs. I am 5'7" and currently weigh 200-205lbs.

I have been wanting to join the gym, and that thought makes me want to join even more.

Darkened Door Step...

AF has officially arrived. After my break down yesterday I haven't cried today. Thank goodness because it was a river of unquenchable tears last night.

Now trying to be optimistic, hsg will be done this cycle. And I am thinking a month free of opks and clomid is in order. I will get progesterone test done, but that is it.

Think I can do it? It may be tough. I might have to have James hide my left over opks. Or just move them out of bathroom so it would need to be a premeditated (haha) testing not on a whim.

I actually have new hope for this cycle. We shall see what it brings! Hopefully good news, like clear tubes, healthy uterus, and a strong healthy bfp and baby to soon follow.

I am on to being due in August, probably around the 11th or so. Around our anniversary (the 15th), that would be a good gift...don't you think? =)

If not September, October, November, you get the picture. I am purchasing the not pregnant bridesmaid dress. And if I get pregnant I will cross that bridge when it happens.

Best attitude I can have for the day. Cramps are starting up, reminding me of a failed month...BUT God's plan is not my plan, His ways are not my ways. Going to keep repeating that to myself.

On a side note, I really want to join the gym. Have to get Jamesy to approve though. Then my friend L and I could go together. We are thinking snap fitness so James and I could go when he gets out of work the days I don't work. But being busy season, I doubt he will want to join now.

I also have my eyes on the xbox 360 kinect...to have to move your body to play games sounds like a plan. Trying to resist at the moment because I care more about paying for the hsg more. Though it is on sale tomorrow at walmart, which as you probably know has layaway. Lol I might just do it...we shall see.

Cramps and Emotions

I had a break down tonight. Texting with a friend, I just broke down and bawled.

My heart hurts. I am 99.9% sure this cycle is another failure. I have horrible cramps. I am on my way to work, but had to update.

I am so sure af is coming that I wanted a panty liner. Could I find one? Nope...so I had to wear a freaking pad. A pad. And I haven't even started yet. No spotting, but cramps like AF should be in full force.

Only a few more months and then I am done ttc for a long while. I can't take this any longer. I give up. I know I am meant to be a mom, but maybe pregnancy isn't the way it will happen for me.

Backache

More like cramps in my back, what the heck. Leaves me thinking AF is on her way early. But also...maybe, just maybe I could be pregnant after all. I am sick of this 2ww. I am basically 14dpo right now (ok 13 minutes)...and backache is a common symptom for those who got bfp.

But it reminds me of last af that was horrid, and the beginning stages of miscarrying #2. No spotting yet though. So we'll see....UGH!

I HATE this...

Scripture Verses and Thoughts

Proverbs 13:12 - Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.

This scripture comes to mind whenever I think of infertility. Our hope for a child has been deferred, our heart feels sick in the waiting. But the dream of a child being in our arms, when our own child will get to be help, it will allow us to feel like a weight is lifted off our shoulders. 

Isaiah 43:1-2 - Fear not... I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you...

This scripture reminds me that these waters I am passing through, God is with me. And just as God parted the Red Sea for those in the old testament, he can allow infertility to separate from me for a time to get pregnant. I broke down yesterday and cried, because while God can allow it, doesn't mean he will. 

Psalm 27:14 - Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.

This one kind of makes me want to laugh much like Sarah, laughing at waiting on God to allow me to be pregnant. Makes me feel like Rachel, If I don't have children my life will feel pointless. And even like Rebecca, when I ask James to continue to pray about me getting pregnant. We are to be brave and courageous, but it is so incredibly hard to keep hope alive and face a new cycle without tears. To wait patiently is something I know God has been working on for me, but it is SO hard. 

Hebrews 10:35-36 - So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that is promised.

Do I confidently trust the Lord? Some days the trust does waver. I will not lie, because I get so upset, like when I broke down and cried. I asked God why it is he WON'T bless me at the moment. Told him that I am sick of waiting, and I understand it is his timing, but it doesn't make any easier. I still love God, therefore if I love Him...shouldn't I trust him? Yes, and I am working on it. But I have to tell ya, being patient is hard enough, but having patient endurance? If I only get that through confident trust in the Lord, I must confidently trust him. Especially if I want the "great reward it brings", I am ready for my prize. And I am hoping God decides one of my prizes is growing our family through pregnancy. If not that he will help me to realize our dream of adoption and foster parenting.But I have to say, my dream is to do both.

These are the scripture verses that definitely came to me over the past week or so. My heart feels sick in the waiting. I have been so down these past few days. I am tired of getting my hope broke month after month. I am emotional, my nips hurt, I have cramps, and I am only a few days from the truth of whether or not this cycle is something to celebrate about, or to cry about....or both if I have conceived. :-) But that is silly talk. Right? *sigh* Confident trust. Oh boy.

I am 13dpo. On a usual cycle AF would be here in 2 days, but clomid cycles have extended my luteal phase to 15 instead of 14, so I probably have 3 days. 3 days of cramping, sensitive emotions and nips, and over contemplating the simplest things. Like my ta-tas now hurting. Only a few days before. Most other cycles on clomid it has hurt pretty much right after ovulation. So what does waiting til now to start hurting mean? Ahh! Don't go there, because there is only a 20% chance in any given cycle to conceive. 20% Back to reality. I will know the truth soon enough, no point to worry about it now.