Praying and Finding Peace

Monday I got my hCG and progesterone tested. Results were 561.3 and 14.92 respectively. Progesterone should be 15-20. So I am on 100 mg of progesterone 4x a day again. Have a feeling this will be normal with any pregnancy so I should just get used to it. At least I know progesterone isn't an issue this time as close to being normal that it was. I had my hCG tested 48 hours later and it rose to 991.7 a 57% rise and they say a 60% is good. So that is just below normal also. I am hopeful and praying God will take care of this, that my fears would be quieted and that I would just find peace. I believe in my heart that I am meant to be a mommy and that this child is the first of my own I will hold in my arms. The first that I will get to see on an ultrasound and see his or her tiny heart beat. I have faith. Doubt tries to creep in, but the verse from Joshua 1:9 calls out to it pushing Satan back into his slimy little place. God says, "Have I not commanded you? Do not be afraid, Do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be will you wherever you go!" Therefore my fears and anxieties (both of which He already knew about before I apologized for them) have no place. He is the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, an Almighty healer, and My God.

My tummy may be bruised, this extra progesterone may make me extra weepy, but I still have my GOD and my baby living inside of my tummy. Praying so hard for this one to stay. Less cramping than last time, not intense just annoying. MUCH higher numbers on both sides. And a little less stress around here I think. Closing date for house is set Jan 31st and I have peace and faith concerning that also.

I love you Lord, and I am praying for a miraculous out come. That James and I would be able to add Mommy and Daddy to our list of titles. To hear a child call my husband Daddy excitedly is going to be amazing. I hear the kids at work and my heart melts. To see a child run up to his or her mom and leap for expected hugs and kisses is so beautiful. I know one day it will happen for me. I am praying for this to be in 8 months.

I bought What to Expect When Expecting, Eating Well When Expecting, and ordered Praying Through Your Pregnancy. The first two are packed full of good information, and the last one looks amazing for prayer time, and breaks down what specific things are happening with little bean that should be prayed for...including their future belief in God. I cannot wait to get the book sometime next week! :-)

Tomorrow I get blood tested again and should get results tomorrow also, praying for GREAT results. at 2,000 we will get to have an ultrasound to figure out when my due date is. Excited for that day, plan on bringing lots of tissues!

Merry Christmas

Just took a Pregnancy Test. Guess what? It was more positive than what it was last time. I think I am 16 dpo. Last time it didn't show positive then. I am trying to stay cautious. Have had some cramping (but actually, might be mostly from gas). Though, I have felt like I am gonna start my period soon. We shall see. Would probably have been conceived sometime around James's birthday. And we weren't trying this month. Had sex like 2 times when possibly could have ovulated, but read many women don't ovulate after miscarriage. Hopeful yet nervous. Calling OB on Monday.

One Month Has Passed

It’s officially been a month. I can now tell people that I have miscarried without tears. Yet, I still cry at times. Heart still feels broken from the loss I have experienced. I feel bad for James because I am so bitchy right now. Think it’s about time cycle started up again. Which means it would be pretty much on track. I am exhausted still, completely plan on snoozing away this weekend. My mind keeps thinking about how we were hoping to tell our families about pregnancy at Christmas or New Years. Now, we still haven’t told his parents about miscarriage because filter is missing on their part, and my heart aches too much. 

Things like hearing a good friend is pregnant is so hard. Especially when she is about where my miscarriage happened. I am trying to be happy for them, but hurting so much still that happiness seems to only come in small snippets. It is sad that I am excited for my period to start. I am ready to be able to try again. Especially with a set closing date on our house. January 31^st 2011. Still hoping for a 2011 baby. 

Another thing my heart turns to is when a prayer warrior prayed over my husband. He prayed that when we try to get pregnant that God would bless us and help us along the way. He knew. I think that’s why I knew cramping during pregnancy wasn’t normal. I am so thankful for Renee. She has been such a support for me.  It’s also amazing telling other women what happened, and hearing their stories of loss also. Makes me realize I am not alone in this. I am not alone in my hurting, and I am not the only one with a baby in heaven. All of our children are hanging out with Jesus and some awesome women I am sure. Imagine them being watched by all the women of the Bible. Especially those that struggled to get pregnant. God is great. Especially when my heart is reminded of these things and I feel calm and at peace with the present. 

I cannot wait to be a mommy, and hear those words said to me. Without it being an accident. To be able to cuddle and know the child is mind. For now I will cuddle and love on other people’s children, waiting for my turn to come. And knowing that James and I can get pregnant and will one day be blessed by God. Gotta have faith. 

Love Jess.

Communicating like Adults?

I have had so many things I have wanted to post on here. But I will start with the 16th. A month from my appointment with the ob, with all the welcome to motherhood magazines, and other fun stuff. Skip forward to November 22nd, my miscarriage at 6 weeks. And then on to Nov. 29th first day of my cna class. I think I have been so busy that class getting over the December 16th brought everything flooding back because my loss was covered up with stress and business. A week isn't nearly enough time to grieve. And with all that stress from class suddenly gone, the flood gates open and I bawled and had to try to get puffy eyes to go away when I got home. There Jay and Deana are...so I sneak past and go upstairs to nap. I woke up at 830 but didn't get to go downstairs til 9, they were already in bed. So, no time for me to let them know I would be making cookies. I began with getting things ready to make cookies and used mixer as quickly as I could. Had 4 types I wanted to make. Turning the oven on around 10, after I looked up recipes and got all things around, I began baking. An hour and a half into the process, the dogs bark at something imaginary. This wakes Jay up. He sees me in the kitchen, hot water heater running because I have HOT water in the sink to do dishes throughout the baking process, and the oven on. He says to me, "Now I know why all the f-ing gas is gone." Picks up a bill for propane and says, "You can tell James this bill is his, I wasn't joking." $400. Suddenly sprung up on a month with added medical bills still unpaid, work cut short for both of us due to holidays,  unpaid days off, and my pay check being $40. I was so upset. I hadn't been home lately to use oven, dryer, or stove.

So, I text James he leaves for work early (not helping situation). And gets the $90 he has been slowly saving to buy a gun barrel. Tells me we need to get $300 out of the bank. Good luck. All out of our house inspection fund because the emergency fund has been depleted at the moment.

Friday brings a long terrible day at work with my emotions high from everything, and breaking down to tell my boss about the miscarriage when she was on maternity leave. I call a family member on my way home to see how her interview went, and talk about my crappy day at work and how heartbroken I am feeling. When talking about how I am feeling broken because of loss of baby, she manages to tell me that I need to get over it. I don't care a baby is a baby. How would she feel if her son died? Would she be over it in four weeks? She might have memories, I have the feelings of excitement, joy, and happiness mixed with dreams and hopes for the child's future. A child who's future and present is in heaven. She gets to see her son, so it is quite easy to say "Get over it, get mad or something, move on." I was immensely hurt by her comment.

We get home, first thing I notice is dog kennel is cleared off. Right were my wood clarinet was. A wood clarinet cracks in cold temperatures. My precious clarinet that I never get to play because I always want to play at night time when Jay and Deana are sleeping. Jay had put MY clarinet in the truck box outside, without asking. I cried and cried. it doesn't look damaged now, but I won't be able to tell til it warms up. He placed a $2,000 instrument outside because it was making the house look cluttered. We have no place to put things upstairs, no closet, and it's not heated on a regular basis. My clarinet cannot go upstairs because of lack of heat. And further more cats are getting pissed because of in small space they are starting to pee on our things. I would love to get rid of them at this point, but would regret it later.

After this a fight begins because Jay can only communicate when yelling. He blames everything on us, saying we use them, we spend foolishly, James is lazy, and both of us act holier than thou. I was so upset. I asked him, if they were having problems financially and wanted us to take on a bill, why they didn't say so. It is not our choice that we are living there at the moment, but would like to help out when possible. This has been clear since the day we moved in. He then bitched about electric going up because lights being on at night. Well when James gets out at 1230 and home around 1, we are going to need lights. I'm sorry our schedules are opposite from yours. That we can't have dinner at 6 because both of us are working. Sorry that we go out on Saturdays to see friends because we can't have them over because of our schedule being different then theirs. Sorry that we evidently keep u up with our way of life. I am so frustrated and emotionally drained.

The thing that gets me, Jay says the things to James that cuts him down at such a level that no parent should ever do. And then what does he do? Call his brother and sister to say what happened. Surely saying we are users, not respectful, and lazy slobs. I don't know how long it will take to heal this relationship. I don't think I will ever let my kids come to his house alone for fear of things he may say, to be said we are "using" them, or to have him talk about my kids to Booger or Laura because guaranteed they won't be good enough for his standards.

So thankful we are house sitting this weekend, even if it is at the family member's place that told me to get over it. *sigh*

I'm so over this break already. God, please grant us our house soon. Please. I am losing my mind as my heart breaks. I need a break from family and pins and needles.

Jess

snowy day outside makes for a comfy day inside

I do well most days, and then there are moments that right in my face there seems to be the fact that I don’t have a baby. We don’t have a house. We don’t have a little family of our own. Those moments I feel so sad inside, but continue to fake a smile and go on with life. I know one day James and I will have all of those wonderful things. For now, I am focusing on class. Then finding a new job, and hopefully moving into our new home (STILL haven’t been able to get our house inspection done because the bank is being slow to fix the other things). THEN hopefully successfully have a complete pregnancy and a baby born sometime in 2011.

I am not feeling compelled to do homework, though I am almost done with this semester! That is so exciting; I am ready for a break, to make delicious cookies, rock candy, and Chex mix. Super excited for break. So I am anticipating life right now, looking forward to the good things in life.

Friday was day one of my clinical. I have a cute old lady. I think I probably could do a nursing home setting, but would rather be in a hospital so I can have the 12 hour shifts.

We’ll see where God takes me!

A Very Short Post for a VERY tired woman.

This has been the longest month I have had in a long time. I think I am drained from the miscarriage and now also so sleepy from long periods of class time and massive loads of data being poured into my brain. Soon it will be over and soon (hopefully) I will have a new job. I am excited at the prospect of having new things in January. New home, new job, and hopefully a new little baby growing inside of me soon after January. I am getting excited for clinical and praying for a good experience. As I am so tired, I am going to go to bed, and then get up in a few hours to catch up on much needed homework for other classes. Probably get up 1030 and stay up til 2 so I can spend some time with James. That will give me about 7-7.5 hours of sleep, shouldn't be more sleepy than I am today! :-( CANNOT wait to sleep in Saturday!

Things to be positive about: I am done with CNA class on the 15th, I am done with this semester's classes the 20th, I have a break til January 18th, and James sold the cows so we have extra $ for house and I don't have to feed them when I get home when it's all dark and cold. ALSO excited for when I get into RN program and graduate because I'll only have to take 24 credits at SVSU and I'd have my BSN. :-) Makes me happy to think ahead and feel confident (but still a little nervous) about the future.

Update during a busy week.

Well I am in my CNA class and it makes me wonder if my Grandma should be getting testing for Alzheimer’s. Kind of makes me sad. Making me realize how our body’s age as we get older and how physically unfit I am. I need to lose weight before I get pregnant to help keep my blood pressure under control. I need to lose weight period. I am currently at 205. Goal is to lose 6 pounds before I start my period so I can say I am less than 200 pounds. Ideally I would like to never be over 200 again. Which means at a healthy BMI I’d need to be 35 pounds under 200 when I get pregnant, but as much as I want a child of own child I think I can deal with it.

I am hopeful and moderately motivated. Once we have our own house and I have finished this CNA program I plan on adding a schedule fitness program of DVDs and possibly Zumba once a week or so. Which, by the way, I am hoping will be soon. We sign to put our “official” final offer in tomorrow (ha today technically). Then it’s on to house inspections, closing, cleaning up the messy house, and moving everything into our new home!

As for now, I need to get ready for bed and find clothes for tomorrow before I continue to study for my CNA test tomorrow. Should be pretty easy, but would like to study as much as possible just in case. I am ready to move on to a different facility. Preferably with children in the medical setting!

Jess

P.S. I also have to say, there is a girl in my class who thinks she is pregnant. It hurt my heart but made me pray for the possibility of her having a little one. I told her she needs to take care of the potential baby in her and take some prenatal vitamins. My heart cried out because I was wishing my child could have stayed with me instead of entering into heaven, but I know where he or she is...sitting comfortably with women singing and rocking them in the presence of Jesus. Warms my heart to be able to think of such things. Now if only she would take care of that little one inside of her if a baby is beginning to grow!