One Month Has Passed

It’s officially been a month. I can now tell people that I have miscarried without tears. Yet, I still cry at times. Heart still feels broken from the loss I have experienced. I feel bad for James because I am so bitchy right now. Think it’s about time cycle started up again. Which means it would be pretty much on track. I am exhausted still, completely plan on snoozing away this weekend. My mind keeps thinking about how we were hoping to tell our families about pregnancy at Christmas or New Years. Now, we still haven’t told his parents about miscarriage because filter is missing on their part, and my heart aches too much. 

Things like hearing a good friend is pregnant is so hard. Especially when she is about where my miscarriage happened. I am trying to be happy for them, but hurting so much still that happiness seems to only come in small snippets. It is sad that I am excited for my period to start. I am ready to be able to try again. Especially with a set closing date on our house. January 31^st 2011. Still hoping for a 2011 baby. 

Another thing my heart turns to is when a prayer warrior prayed over my husband. He prayed that when we try to get pregnant that God would bless us and help us along the way. He knew. I think that’s why I knew cramping during pregnancy wasn’t normal. I am so thankful for Renee. She has been such a support for me.  It’s also amazing telling other women what happened, and hearing their stories of loss also. Makes me realize I am not alone in this. I am not alone in my hurting, and I am not the only one with a baby in heaven. All of our children are hanging out with Jesus and some awesome women I am sure. Imagine them being watched by all the women of the Bible. Especially those that struggled to get pregnant. God is great. Especially when my heart is reminded of these things and I feel calm and at peace with the present. 

I cannot wait to be a mommy, and hear those words said to me. Without it being an accident. To be able to cuddle and know the child is mind. For now I will cuddle and love on other people’s children, waiting for my turn to come. And knowing that James and I can get pregnant and will one day be blessed by God. Gotta have faith. 

Love Jess.