Communicating like Adults?

I have had so many things I have wanted to post on here. But I will start with the 16th. A month from my appointment with the ob, with all the welcome to motherhood magazines, and other fun stuff. Skip forward to November 22nd, my miscarriage at 6 weeks. And then on to Nov. 29th first day of my cna class. I think I have been so busy that class getting over the December 16th brought everything flooding back because my loss was covered up with stress and business. A week isn't nearly enough time to grieve. And with all that stress from class suddenly gone, the flood gates open and I bawled and had to try to get puffy eyes to go away when I got home. There Jay and Deana are...so I sneak past and go upstairs to nap. I woke up at 830 but didn't get to go downstairs til 9, they were already in bed. So, no time for me to let them know I would be making cookies. I began with getting things ready to make cookies and used mixer as quickly as I could. Had 4 types I wanted to make. Turning the oven on around 10, after I looked up recipes and got all things around, I began baking. An hour and a half into the process, the dogs bark at something imaginary. This wakes Jay up. He sees me in the kitchen, hot water heater running because I have HOT water in the sink to do dishes throughout the baking process, and the oven on. He says to me, "Now I know why all the f-ing gas is gone." Picks up a bill for propane and says, "You can tell James this bill is his, I wasn't joking." $400. Suddenly sprung up on a month with added medical bills still unpaid, work cut short for both of us due to holidays,  unpaid days off, and my pay check being $40. I was so upset. I hadn't been home lately to use oven, dryer, or stove.

So, I text James he leaves for work early (not helping situation). And gets the $90 he has been slowly saving to buy a gun barrel. Tells me we need to get $300 out of the bank. Good luck. All out of our house inspection fund because the emergency fund has been depleted at the moment.

Friday brings a long terrible day at work with my emotions high from everything, and breaking down to tell my boss about the miscarriage when she was on maternity leave. I call a family member on my way home to see how her interview went, and talk about my crappy day at work and how heartbroken I am feeling. When talking about how I am feeling broken because of loss of baby, she manages to tell me that I need to get over it. I don't care a baby is a baby. How would she feel if her son died? Would she be over it in four weeks? She might have memories, I have the feelings of excitement, joy, and happiness mixed with dreams and hopes for the child's future. A child who's future and present is in heaven. She gets to see her son, so it is quite easy to say "Get over it, get mad or something, move on." I was immensely hurt by her comment.

We get home, first thing I notice is dog kennel is cleared off. Right were my wood clarinet was. A wood clarinet cracks in cold temperatures. My precious clarinet that I never get to play because I always want to play at night time when Jay and Deana are sleeping. Jay had put MY clarinet in the truck box outside, without asking. I cried and cried. it doesn't look damaged now, but I won't be able to tell til it warms up. He placed a $2,000 instrument outside because it was making the house look cluttered. We have no place to put things upstairs, no closet, and it's not heated on a regular basis. My clarinet cannot go upstairs because of lack of heat. And further more cats are getting pissed because of in small space they are starting to pee on our things. I would love to get rid of them at this point, but would regret it later.

After this a fight begins because Jay can only communicate when yelling. He blames everything on us, saying we use them, we spend foolishly, James is lazy, and both of us act holier than thou. I was so upset. I asked him, if they were having problems financially and wanted us to take on a bill, why they didn't say so. It is not our choice that we are living there at the moment, but would like to help out when possible. This has been clear since the day we moved in. He then bitched about electric going up because lights being on at night. Well when James gets out at 1230 and home around 1, we are going to need lights. I'm sorry our schedules are opposite from yours. That we can't have dinner at 6 because both of us are working. Sorry that we go out on Saturdays to see friends because we can't have them over because of our schedule being different then theirs. Sorry that we evidently keep u up with our way of life. I am so frustrated and emotionally drained.

The thing that gets me, Jay says the things to James that cuts him down at such a level that no parent should ever do. And then what does he do? Call his brother and sister to say what happened. Surely saying we are users, not respectful, and lazy slobs. I don't know how long it will take to heal this relationship. I don't think I will ever let my kids come to his house alone for fear of things he may say, to be said we are "using" them, or to have him talk about my kids to Booger or Laura because guaranteed they won't be good enough for his standards.

So thankful we are house sitting this weekend, even if it is at the family member's place that told me to get over it. *sigh*

I'm so over this break already. God, please grant us our house soon. Please. I am losing my mind as my heart breaks. I need a break from family and pins and needles.

Jess