Feeling Blah..

this rainy weather.
my nausea.
wanting to sleep.
needing to study.

I feel like caca. Lacking motivation. on 1-10 on motivation meter I am like -10.

So far so good, I am getting more anxious about next Monday's ultrasound. Cramps come and go, mostly on my right side so that OF COURSE still makes me mentally freak out. But I am still trying to having faith that everything will be okay.

School. Oiy. Lacking motivation beyond badly. Eeek. I NEED to pass this darn class and graduate on time!!

Sorry for short update, I am still alive and kicking. But barely, so tired and exhausted. Ready for break from school!

Bloated.

I know no one else can tell, but I am truly amazed how tight my pants are feeling.

Amazed at the fact a being the size of a blueberry could cause so much bloating and for my belly to already feel bigger to me.

Not going to lie, it makes me just feel fat! I will welcome a baby belly with open arms, but this bloating when we havent told that many people yet makes me think that they are assuming I am gaining weight back and getting fatter again. lol ok I know that part is false, bc mother in law and aunt said they could tell I lost a lot of weight. :-)
I am not counting calories at the moment, nothing seems appetizing so when it does I eat til my hearts content. Despite this, yesterday I stepped on the scale and had lost another pound. so now I have lost 17lbs and would not be considered obese if I really did weigh 190.8 But the bloating is bad today and the scale says instead of losing a lb from 191.8 I am up to 193.6. Crazy bloat!

I am getting more excited and nervous for first u/s. 8 more days! Eight!!! Aaaaahhh! If it wasnt exam week I would call and beg and plead to move it up. But i am trying to have faith and believe that things are still going as hoped, and that this baby God already can see the heartbeats!!

I am still holding out for maybe twins bc of prayer doodle. But as long as heart beat is present I will be overjoyed with however many God decides to give us.

Symptoms: dizziness is bad bad bad! Hunger comes and goes, nausea, peeing more today, bbs are definitely sensitive. And cramps off and on. Oh and of course...fatigue like no bodies business! Zzzzz

Well I have laundry that needs to be folded and studying that needs to be done. So I will post later! <3

Jess

School and Life. Or lack of...*edited*

School.

Oiy. Massive headache. I really think I am getting stress headaches, either that or it is hormonal based!
I studying quite a bit for this last exam. Thought I had failed, substantially compared to what others had put. Nope. Wrong.

Everyone else failed. I passed with an 80%. Too bad it wasnt the 90% I needed to be able to pass the class. So now there are 320 points left to earn in the class...I can miss 25 and still pass. That is it. Twenty-Five. Not a point more.

I am peeved bc I am failing, had they not taken away 50% of exam 3 I would be passing the class with an 81% with wiggle room and no fear of failing. Please insert a grumpy face for me. =(
It really upsets me, all the future good nurses that are failing this class. It is poor instruction and crappy worded questions.

BUT, I passed that exam when everyone else struggled. I can promise you one thing, if I end up having to retake the exam...I will get an A- or an A. No doubt about that.
School Sucks.

Today I am going to send in a petition to get the "cheating" taken off my academic record. I did NOT cheat. I was honest and turned the papers I had received in. It is killing me that I may fail because of it, and it may be on my record. Two kicks when feeling down.
I have a plan. I am going to ask my classmates, and clinical instructors to write letters stating how they feel about it, that they do not elieve I cheated, that it could have been any of them. That the penalty is too steap. I am going to take campus by storm. I am NOT A CHEATER. I am an honest, kind, caring woman. I am trusting of others, and chose to friend a girl no one else would. And due to that I got screwed. Up the butt.
AAAAAAHHHH I could scream. Thinking about it makes my blood boil. I am angry with Sadie for placing me in this position.

Life.

I have been having headaches (but not bad enough I take tylenol). I have been getting HUGE dizzy spells where I have to grab something and relax for a minute. And getting up quickly? Forget it.
I am also experiencing more nausea. I have gagged and almost vomitted several times.
I still cramp, and I will be honest is is mostly on right side. But I know my uterus goes that way so I am trying to not freak out. But you can guess where my mind goes. I think it could possibly be a cyst as well, reminds me of the way the one on left felt one it was bugging me. Dull ache.

I am looking forward to u/s. Being done with class. And catching up on housework. And working. We are going to be so broke due to me giving away days/calling in.

Oiy. And i am behind on bridal party things (bc broke and school). Life is crazy busy and uber stressful.
*sigh*

So there it is. My venting update.
But, regardless of everything I am celebrating being pregnant. Have even allowed myself in the brokeness to buy a onesie (or 5) along the past two months. (don't mind the quality it is from phone one says My First Easter (75cent buy!), Grandpa's little Fishing Buddy, Grandma's Little Princess, Noise Maker, 50% mommy + 50% daddy = 100% AWESOME)



*edit* I got my official score back...82% due to collaborative points earned. I can now miss 29 points and it seems more optimistic for me. I need to get a 91% over all on the rest of things to pass. 

Slacking Blogger

That's me. School is intense. I am SO tired. then other days it seems like a dream.

I am pretty sure I am going to have to retake this nursing class
I haven't thrown up since Monday
I talked to OB about doing another beta but she recommended just relaxing and waiting for u/s. And honestly...I was okay with it because I am too busy right now to be driving to get poked again.

So that is that. Forgive me for slacking until May 3rd when I will tell you if I think I failed or passed my class.
And then forgive me for the excessive dreamy (hopeful!) update that will come May 7th with my ultrasound.

I feel gross at the moment, bbs hurt occasionally, nausea happens. peeing happens. Some days I feel like OH my goodness! Am I really pregnant? I am really carrying a human life inside of me? Then other days I am distraught and hoping and praying that it doesn't make a bad turn of events like it has in the past.

*sigh* Life happens. I am stressed and trying not to overly stress. I am a dreamer, but trying not to day dream when I am working on school stuff.

I haven't been eating the best. Too busy. Too stressed.
My house is a mess. Too busy. Too much studying.

What an excuse, I know...

So far I still weigh 192 though!!

Ok I am done rambling. Back to studying.

Hello Morning Sickness

So I will not complain too much because most likely it means everything is going well. But...disgusting.

And it was peanut butter crackers. After taking vitamins.

So much for crackers not upsetting tummies.

I am 6weeks today. And I threw up. Never has happened before....has to be a good sign.

"You are glowing!"

So today was my 5k in Lansing today. I might have allowed my heart rate to get much higher than I had wanted or anticipated but it seems like it got higher much quicker today! Must be from choosing to nap instead of exercise lately.

I was a bad blogger and didnt take any pictures. Sorry =(. But I can tell you my unofficial finish time.... 40:30ish. I cut 2ish minutes off last time's time =)

After the race I went to church with my hubby. Being the peeing machine I am lately I had to leave service to sneak out and go to the rest room. I saw our old pastor and his new wife, who we turned onto MyFitnessPal.

She began by telling me how much the LOVED it and she has lost 6lbs and he is already down a belt hole. (Mind you holding it bc I have to pee SO bad!) I say I am happy they love it, more talk about MFP and then she switches gears about the time her husband comes over. She compliments me on losing weight. Both keep saying they can see it in my FACE. Asking if I have lost more weight. I say, "Oh I havent stepped on the scale. But I dont think I have lost more weight, it must be inches." Trying to foo-foo it all off. G (the hubby) jokes about how I am "one hot mama" when all of a sudden his wife says to my laughter, "No really. You are glowing!" She of course means from losing weight. But it caught me off guard and I said, "Actually, you can tell no one. I will be six weeks tomorrow." Slipped out just like that. And it was SO exciting to be able to tell someone face to face.

They immediately laid hands on me and prayed. And talked to me about making sure to believe and claim a healthy pregnancy (they could tell by statements like, "we'll see the furtherest I have made is 6w3d so this week is going to be a long one." that I was in a maybe it is going to work this time mind set). It was wonderful to know we will have another couple praying for us and this pregnancy EVERY day.

After FINALLY going to the rest room, I sat back down by James and he was like, "what took so long?" "I might have just told G and his wife...." "It's ok I told K (worship leader) last week via text"

Oh boy. Lets hope the cat doesnt slip out of the bag before we want it to! I already worry about friends telling their parents and having it get back to our parents some how.

Because I really cannot wait to tell them. The official way we have agreed to spill this beans is by a happy Mother's day card...possibly addressed to Grandma....with an u/s picture on the inside. If the anticipation gets to great we may tell them that Saturday instead of Sunday.

I want to include James's dad in it too so he may get a picture frame with the u/s picture in it with EDD. Or one of Jack holding a sign that says Big Brother (in Training). Or a cute one Amy had on her pinterest....Photo of Jack, our legs down, and empty pair (or pairs!) of shoes between us, that says "Coming December 2012" beneath it (possibly in chalk if I can make it legible in photo form). And maybe an u/s picture made smaller in the corner as well.

Symptoms as of lately: last night I gagged after eatting pizza...like leaned over and spit to prevent throwing up. Today nausea is definitely back (I waited too long to eat). Spicy-ish food gives me heartburn (even pepperjack cheese...but it is SO good). Instant irritability/bitchiness. Can you say "hello" to my unwanted friend, Constipation. Ugh! Sore bbs when at 5k, extreme fatigue and heightened sense of smell.

That is about it (and enough for me to think everything is going as hoped!). I am planning one (or two) more beta this week Thursday (other would be next week). If we have passed over 4,000 (which we definitely should be over atleast 6,000 by then) then we will have levels higher than ever before.

Well I have got to go pick M up from the farm he was working at. Then shower time for me and mucho studying.

Slacking...

Oh am I slacking.

In school I am now worried about not passing because of the stupid "cheating" incident. Which by the way is now going on my permanent academic record or I can fight it. Really? Fight it during end of term crunch time? Um, probably not happening.

For my best friend's wedding I am slacking as well. Yes, my dress is bought and hanging in my closet. But now I am wondering how well it is going to fit me at that point and time. I haven't ordered my shoes yet either.

And about the bridal shower May 19th...should probably order those invites today so I can send them out next week. I have nothing planned for that.

And the bachelorette party? Oiy. I am thinking the two weeks between summer and this semester will be filled with work and wedding stuff!

Also, today is a day where I could almost forget I am pregnant (not that I could!!). I have some cramps, fatigue, sore tatas/nips, and heightened sense of smell but that is about it. It doesn't seem real, like a big dream. And lack of symptoms makes my brain start to wander where I do not want it to.

I am still trying to relax and lean on God. These cramps do concern me though at times...mind starts to wander to ectopic pregnancies, miscarriages of past, and then I try to find comfort in the fact that my mom said she cramped quite badly with me, and she didnt really have morning sickness. Maybe I will get that lucky.

But for now, it just seems surreal...like I am dreaming and will soon wake up only to find I am still in ttc mode.

I will be honest, I have been afraid to write in my pregnancy (/missing you babies) journal that I have pretty much right away every other time. Just because I do not want to jinx it. Or end up filling it with more sadness. How pathetic is that?

I am a mess. That is all I know. Please forgive me if this seems disconnected and rubish...because my brain is fried.

M & A Update

So due to the pregnancy updates I have kind of slacked on other updates...A & M...my heart still breaks for them.

Wednesday there was a meeting I had to miss. The DHS worker explained it was a family meeting. I thought something small. I had class so I couldnt miss, so I sent James with M.

Turns out it wasnt small. It was James, M, M's Mom (Aunt K), and NINE other peope including M's Probation officer, the procecutting attorney, and several CPS/DHS workers. 13 people. So much for me thinking small! Lol

During the meeting it was mostly aout plan of action. Counseling for M, A, and Aunt K. The topic of why we dont want M visiting with Aunt K came up. James explained why and I hear K started flopping like a fish, getting angry as a bull and insisting she didnt do drugs. The worker said to her there would be a quick solution...random drug tests with spice being included this time (James brought up M said she has been using spice instead of pot). She told them there would have to be a court order to drug test her. At this point M spoke up and said, "Mom, I had to step up...why don't you!"

Another time M said to his mom that if she wanted anything to do with his dad (N) he wanted NOTHING to do with her. She preceeded to lie and say she has been in contact with M quite a bit recently. WRONG we have had his phone taken away for over the past month. There are no missed calls, no voicemails, no text messages, and M said he has called from school ONCE (Not the three times K claimed).

James said he was proud of M for standing up for himself.

Then today, the finalization of terminating N's parental rights. K brought A!! She didnt need to see N in shackles, or listen to the acusations or them telling K she will also lose parent rights soon if she doesnt follow their rules.

Both sides didnt want A in there, they even whispered and approached the judge. The Judge said if she wanted to be there she could. So I aked A if she wanted to sit and listen or go in the hall.

We went into the hall. We played games on my phone, and talked about what was going on in the courtroom.

I explained what was going on. And told her I bet it was nice to see her dad but not in that way. She said yes. (I dont get it, but she honestly still loves him. One day she might get angry, but that isnt where she is right now) And I also said, I bet you are confused on how you are supposed to feel. She said yes, it is confusing.

She laid her head on my upper arm and I wrapped my arm around her. I am so sad for what her and M had to go through. SO SAD. And so mad at N, but I also feel bad for him. For his past as a child, for the fact he wasnt protected, that no one helped him get help. And I am pissed at Aunt K. For wanting to stay with him instead of helping her kids through the emotions. For being a shitty mom.

Anyways, after they got out of the court room (I thought it would have been longer so I had went out and got my diet rootbeer for A along with my teddy grams) K had attitude and asked about some paper. When the worker said she didnt have it K got pissed and stormed off.

So I asked James later what was going on. The judge had pulled K up after N was brought out and told her if she didnt obey DHS's rules and get her act together the next termination of parental rights would be for her. Then the meeting with the DHS workers came about. They also were straight forward with Kathy and told her what she needed to do and that if she didnt obey A would be taken out of her care.

And can I say PRAISE GOD for that? Today A smelled, her hair was greasy, I am 99% she still has lice (and my jacket will be tossed in laundry as soon as I get home). And she hadnt ate breakfast. Then at the meeting Wednesday they brought up she has missed school 5 times since December for stomach ache. Kathy refuses to admit it coulld be from what is going on. She kept digging herself a deeper hole. Which sucks for her but will be a life saver for A.

They tried saying taking A away from K would be devestating to A. But A has already asked my mom if she could live with her, and if she lived with her could she do X,Y,Z. She is mentally preparing for it. It would be a much more stable healthy home for her. Mom isnt perfect but she is loving and she makes sure your basic needs are met.

*sigh*

So soon I hope A will be living with my Mom. We will have A for atleast one full weekend once a month. And massive counseling starts soon.

Isn't the whole situation disgusting?

I really hope CPS/DHS stick to THEIR guns and follow through.

Soon James and I may need counseling because all of the stress!

Exciting News!

I repeated my beta.

Beta #1 - 170
Beta #2 - 495.5
Beta #3 - 892.5
Beta #4 - 2,199


Yes in bold and LARGE LOL. 

Beyond excited. And Oh SO SO SO SO SO hopeful!

Cherishing Another Day

I am going to celebrate every day I am pregnant.

Today I am anywhere from 5w0d to 5w3d.

And I swear my belly is bloating already. I was able to suck it in and feel mostly hard when laying down. Laying down and sucking in tonight still leaves flab to jiggle about.

And it feels squishier.

Also, I am probably just crazy. But I came up with a theory that calmed my mind a bit. Night of the first beta I went out and jogged/walked 3.1 miles. It raised SUBSTANTIALLY, as you are probably aware...almost tripled. It went from 170 to 495.9

Then I was lazy because I was scared to exercise due to spotting. And it went from 495.9 to 892.5

So my theory. The exercise increased blood flow which allowed for a higher beta, eh eh eh? What do you think? I really think that might be the issue. So I plan on exercising tomorrow before the beta. LOL

I am bloated, crampy, bbs sore, heightened sense of smell, and super irritability.

Still praying God will allow us to have our take home baby in December.

Fatigue is setting in and I need to catch some shut eye. Nighty Night! 

Plan of Action

Above are two tests. The top one is from two days ago and the bottom one from this morning (FMU...and as I am now aware FMU tends to be lighter for me but I wanted reassurance).

I think they are getting darker. But not sure if they get much darker on these cheapo tests. So I might need to buy a FRER one more time to see a blazing dark line and feel utter reassurance.

Anyways, plan of action. After crying and feeling defeated last night (and waking up and having my nips and bbs not hurt as much...) I have decided that Thursday I will repeat my beta, ask for a progesterone check again to reassure myself there. And leave it up to God.

A friend from school texted me, "Those babies have thick strong roots and are growing perfectly! Picture EVERYTHING grown perfectly. He will keep in PERFECT peace those minds who stay on him and trust in Him....Isa. 26. So when your mind starts to think like that refocus on him, and his peace that surpasses ALL understanding will was over you. Stand firm in that space."

I so needed that, and I don't know if there is one or two, but I am praying for healthy. That is ALL I care about. 

So I am going to do my best to relax, stay busy with determination for school (planning on passing), and I making sure I will kick as best butt as a pregnant woman can during the 5k on Sunday.

Time will tell. God can give me peace. I cannot change the outcome one way or another. 

As for today, I am going to celebrate. I am pregnant! I have a little one(s!) growing inside of my womb. I am anywhere from 5w2d - 4w6d. I am going to celebrate. I have life growing inside of me. God is good.

Ugh.

1st beta 170
2nd beta 495.9
3rd beta 892.5....it didnt double. Rose, but didnt double. =( I did the calculations it went from doubling 31.7 hrs to would have doubled around 51

Scared.

Where Paranoia and Faith Meet

I keep thinking I am going to start bleeding any time now....crampy feel wet. Run to bathroom wipe.

Nothing. Maybe some brown. But otherwise. Nothing.

Paranoia.

I am even going to buy some more tests. This is ridiculous. Why can I not relax like other pregnant women?!?!

To top it off I thought the pharmacy closed at 10. Nope 9. So now before class tomorrow I need to pick up my lovenox, and call about getting a refill on my blood pressure medicine. Because I ran out after this morning and didnt reallize til after doctor called that my refills were out as well.

Then this evening I sneezed and it hurt, bad...near my uterus. And my first thought was, "Don't dislodge baby!" Ridiculous really....

*sigh*

Then when doing a quick run in for tilapia (for our dog...) and the 88c pregnancy tests I get side tracked.

Baby clothes.

Where faith comes into play. I bought 2 onesies. One says, "Grandpa's little fishing buddy" and the other says, "Mommy cranky. Daddy's Not home. Call 1800GRANDMA" I am thinking part of how we tell them.

Faith says we will have these babies in our arms in December.
Faith says there could be twins.
But if there is one, we wont know what we are having til he/she appears in this world so still both onesies are appropriate.

Yes friends. Faith and hope are soaring. If it comes crashing down around me, will you promise to be here to pick me up?

Where faith and paranoia meet. Wanting to run home to poas and check the TP....but also buying onesies.

Oiy.

Possibilities

One more post for the day then I am going to dive into homework.

The possibility of it being twins maybe has hit me. Could it be God would make a tangible prayer come true? One for me? Could we be so blessed? Dare I dare to dream? Especially with the many issues we have had?

I cried with the overwhelming feeling coming over me. I really think this is going to be our take home baby, but what if it ends up being BABIES? I think I may have a heart attack and be able to show that prayers do come true...even ones you didn't really want to pray for at the time but felt God leading you to. Regardless...I am feeling a little more hopeful and overwhelmed.

I am in awe at our amazing God.

Please keep the prayers coming. 3 weeks is a long time to be left wondering. I may ask for it to be moved up sooner if next beta rises just as quickly.

Betabase.info shows doubling times for single and twin pregnancies...

for singles the average doubling time for betas between 128-256 is 38.34 hours
for twins the average doubling time for betas between 128-256 is 38.62 hours
for triplets (definitely not thinking triplets!!) the average doubling time is 37.47

I doubled in 31.78 hours. Possibilities are endless.

Uneasy

When facing pregnancy with a past of infertility, and especially a history of loss. Things are a little...different for lack of better word to use.

You see, with infertility alone I truly believe you cherish pregnancy more. After waiting over a year to see two beautiful lines pop up, and having all of that time to dream of your future baby...your heart swells with immense happiness. Happiness only an infertile woman (or maybe a woman that truly can feel for others, and tries to) can understand. Like with any woman, seeing a positive is an exciting thing.

You get butterflies.You are hopeful. You start to dream of telling people you are pregnant, heck you might shout it out right away. Or be more reserved, because maybe you know what loss is like.

Especially with my (and maybe your!) history of loss. Because after those butterflies in the past has come immense sadness, pain, times of waiting for good news only to be faced with yet another step back into a corner. Those butterflies were like false hope, shadows that you could not hold onto.

After miscarriage, butterflies get mixed with the anxious feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because sometimes it feels like it isn't ever going to happen for you. Whether waiting while ttc still, or ttc after loss...that fear and uneasiness can fill your heart and your head. You fear and worry. And then hope sneaks in, and your spirits soar, and you feel like maybe, just maybe, there will be a day for you as well.

That is what this pregnancy is like. I have began dreaming of how we will share the news. After the first ultrasound we will share with parents, at 12 weeks we will share on facebook. I have some cute ideas for how to do this as well, and it makes me happy to think I might actually be able to use something baby I found on pinterest. (Too lazy to go find the post...but essentially have our dog hold up a sign around his neck that says Big Brother in Training or something of the sort). Or run another 5k and when posting those pictures closer to 12 weeks edit one and put running for 2 and have me holding up an ultrasound photo.

But, then late night laying in bed next to James I whisper...., "I am so excited and hopeful." and he responds with, "I am nervous to be excited." And I know that pain, I get it. I have lived it along side of him. Saw his face light up the first time I told him I was pregnant. Heard the excitement and awe in his voice when he saw the sac on my first ultrasound with my second pregnancy. And saw the tears when we cried because we had lost yet another.

This time, I can hope and pray, and believe things will be different. But it is entirely in God's hands. It isn't up to me, or when I start taking my lovenox, or any other crazy idea I could come up with. It is by God's hand that I am pregnant, and it is up to God to keep me that way.

Things have been a little different this time around. Symptoms have been a little different. Constipation hasn't happened *yet* but rather I have been more regular (like talking two or three times a day...). I have been peeing more than usual, haven't had that since first and second pregnancy. The hunger that hits is CRAZY at times. My boobs and nips didn't start hurting right away, but rather waited enough for me to think this pregnancy was a goner. Fatigue has been intense. And I have still had cramping.

And spotting. And let me tell you...this spotting is going to get old real quick. It is always in the morning after sleeping. Yesterday and today both...brown spotting. Enough to make my tummy queasy with anxiety and prayers that nothing will be wrong.

So today when the OB called and told me I didn't need to do a repeat beta I almost fainted. And told the nurse about the spotting and because of my history I would be more comfortable if I repeated at least one more time. She was such a sweetheart and said, "You can go ahead and repeat that beta whenever you want, I completely understand with your history!" Then told me that they wanted to do the viability ultrasound at seven weeks. Eeek! Seven weeks. Saying it makes my heart skip a beat. I haven't been past six technically. I should have been 8 with Sammy, but that little baby quit growing around six. So if the spotting continues and I am still following my betas on up, I fully believe they will answer my prayers and sneak me in early for an u/s.

But as for right now...May 7th at 10am is my nurse intake and first u/s. And if you are curious, if going by my LMP I will be 8w1d then. With my school schedule and wanting James to be able to come I had to push it back a little further than I wanted. Oh well, it just helps me believe that God is with me and knows what is best, that there will be a heartbeat (or heartbeats!) at that date and time.

I am 5w1d now by those calculations. If I go by my "usual" O time then I am 4w4d. Regardless, less than a week and a half from where I have EVER made it. I even got the phlebotomist praying for me. I told her it was my sixth pregnancy and none of them were sticking, she was so cute and said she would do her "magic" on the blood (caught the vibe she didn't want to say prayers bc people could turn her in for it) the best she could and hope this one is a sticky one!

To write down u/s that far out, on 8w1d feels surreal, and I just hope and pray that it comes to pass. By that time I will know if I passed or failed my nursing class, and at this point and time I am feeling comfortable with either outcome. If I fail I will take my Pharmacology this summer take the fall off for pending baby arrival and jump back in the Spring with the class I am currently in. Things will work out.

Thank you for all of your prayers and continued support.

Oh and I forgot, at church on Sunday one of James' friend's mom came up to us and let us know that their son put an u/s in their Easter basket the past Sunday. She went on to say he was being "shy" about it and hasn't told many people. I wanted to say, well maybe that is because things don't always work out. Or maybe they have had a miscarriage and didn't tell you. You don't know. Don't judge them, and if they don't want to tell people yet...don't be telling people for them. But I kept my mouth shut. Until I was in the car alone with James. And we both had the same things to say. The kicker was their due date is November 14th, last month my due date was going to be my birthday November 16th. talk about a sad moment for me.

But we have a light that is hopefully going to shine til the end of 40 weeks when we get to take the precious baby home...with an EDD of somewhere between December 17-20. (To be honest, my best bet would be for me to go about 2-4 weeks early, but we shall see. That is like counting the chickens before they hatch).

Beta Results are in....

And they are.....

495.9!!!!!!!!

Wooohooo!

Results in 3-4 hours

Well...just 3 hours until I call the lab to see if the results are in. Butterflies and a sense of waiting for the shoe to drop are filling my heart. I am anxious to know what is going on. Spotting had seemed to stop earlier, but now faint brown is back on tp.

Nervous. Prayers greatly appreciated.

Prayers Please!

Brown spotting this morning. We had sex last night so I am essentially pleading with God for it to be from that and not a pending miscarriage.

Miscarriage feels so gross to say today, I have such a good hopeful feeling this time.

Please Lord, let this be our miracle blessing.

Here are many of my pics of BFP.

I May Have Fibbed...The Rest of The Story.

First of all, before I start...please do not share any of the following with anyone outside of my blog readers. I am hesitant to write because I do not want anything leaking out.

TTC symptom spotting.

Thursday 4/5...notice I am much hungrier than usual. As I am shoveling food in my face its like my stomach is still yelling...EAT MORE! Very VERY odd for me.

Friday 4/6...very sleepy.

Monday 4/9 I caved that night. The exhaustion and hungry hitting me lately has been ridiculous. FRER bought. Do my eyes see something? I am only thinking I am 11dpo (but could be more...)

Tuesday 4/10 very long emotional day. Especially with another line in AM and PM. 12dpo

Wednesday 4/11 more lines. Progressively darker. 13dpo

Thursday 4/12...more lines! And a blazing FRER too! YAY! 14dpo then...oh no. Cramps. Is this one done for as well? UGH still haven't noticed sore bbs or nips either.

Friday 4/13...after a scare of lighter line on FMU, a repeat is done SMU and decide screw it beta hcg here I come. Draw done at 1PM. Notice voicemail at 4PM. Instant butterflies. Wait for calling back is tortureous. Practically shaking and crying with fear, hope, worry, and excitement. Hcg 170. Progesterone 29.97. Let the waiting begin. I was feeling anxious and had to get my mind off things, so I went for a jog/walk. I made 3.1 miles in 48 minutes. Thinking my 42 minute 5k is gone for awhile. But Yes. I do plan on continuing to run. I will be running next Sunday (4/22) for 1.5 people =)

Up until Friday James was clueless about ANYTHING going on. I hid the trash of hpt and hid away the tests themselves. I was going to find a creative way to tell him, until a small argument about finances. So I told him via text picture and laid down for my nap. When I woke up he came in to talk and was surprised I kept it from him for so long. Haha!

Saturday (today) I was supposed to work. I fully planned on toughing through my nausea, crampy, hot clammy feeling as long as possible with intention of taking an occurance or tardy when I couldnt stand it any longer. Well I got in to punch in 5 minutes before I had there and 3 people had called in. If I punched in I was in it all night long. My stomache gurgled at me and I left calling in as I left. I feel bad, but I am not working while feeling like hell with no chance of going home.

Sunday is my repeat day for next beta. Eeek! Think signs of nausea, sore bbs, fatigue, are good signs. But only time will tell.

Long time no post...

It has been a long, long. LONG emotional, draining, daunting week.

And the rest ahead probably wont get much better.

Monday was the trial...postponed.
Monday was validation for physical assessment....success.
Tuesday was first day of clinical, and a dreaded meeting...

The meeting was with the assistant of nursing school. To talk about the test bank situation. Mess.

Wednesday morning meeting with teacher and assistant to discuss punishment. The girls that turned them in immediately got nothing. Me? Automatic failure of third exam, with few points rewarded. My 84.5% dropped down to 71%. I have to miss less than 50 points else I fail. Me. I may fail a class due to being unaware of test banks and trusting the wrong person. Oiy. I have cried so much.

And tried praying about it. Letting God know me passing will be a miracle so I need his help. I would LOVE to still pass. Graduate on time and feel that satisfaction.

Thursday...class. saw my grade. 70% (what do you expect, falling asleep bc exhausted, upset with thoughts saying...you cannot do this, and not being able to focus and study). The kicker...it is a 35% due to the contract we had to sign. Mess. Heartbreak. Devestation. Feelings of defeat. Utter defeat.

I have left some things out. Probably something several followers are wondering! Have I tested yet? I told you I wasnt going to test until at least CD 35, didnt I? So get your panties out of a bunch and be patient (haha jk jk). I am CD34, so you have a few more days to wait. But I have a good feeling about this cycle, hope is soaring high!

Well I g2g for now. 20 minutes left on break and I want to catch a power cat nap lol

<3 Jess

Slacking and Trial Update

I have been such a slacker these last couple weeks. Just now starting to get somewhat into the groove of exercising. My shins wont let me run 2 days in a row though, which is fine with me, I get more calories burnt in shorter time with my DVDs.

So this week I vow to not be a slacker. I will accomplish all of this:
*Sweep and Mop kitchen and bathroom
*keep the counters clear
*clean the table
*Move my bedside table
*Vacuum the bedroom
*Study for Exam 3
*Turn in fafsa paperwork necessary
*do my Biggest Loser DVDs 3x this week
*Run 3xs this week.
*Call DHS
*Call the Dentist
*Test if No signs of AF

Where am I at in my cycle? CD 29 about 11dpo give or take up to 2 days. No cramping. Not spotting. Just irritable and tired. No sore bbs. But massive sweet tooth. Broke out either from stress, or because I had a really good ovulation (was about 7dpo wwhen I starting seeing pimples appear). I usually only break out around ovulation. Not this month (or last).

And I am not going to lie, the remembering drawing my prayer photo reminded me of twins in May being in the drawing. Might May be a good month for James and I? Only time will test....

Trial...ok so the trial was less than an hour. Because he accepted a Plea Bargain that allowed for one of the cases of sexual abuse to be taken off the table. I feel as if that isnt fair! That is like saying it is okay he screwed up that child's life and the court system doesnt care. UGH. Next trial date April 23 @830am. =(

Big Day

Today is M's Dad's trial. And I have to miss it because I have a validation for school that I couldn't switch. :-(
It is going to be disgusting and disturbing, but I wanted to be there to see N get locked up and see my Aunt's reaction when she can no longer say they are "false" sexual abuse charges. To see her look at her children when they are admitting what happened. Will she stay in la la land still?

I am hoping to get in early for validation so I won't have to miss much if it turns out long and drawn out. My husband can only be there til a little after 430. I tentatively will get there at that time if everything runs on time from school. Oiy.

Prayers for my family today.

Honesty

Sometimes as I see women with their bellies round with baby, and their little toddlers wandering about I wonder...

Will I ever get to experience that?

Will I get to experience the joy of making it out of the first tri? Of feeling the baby flutter about inside? Or see the look in my husbands eyes as he holds our squirming baby for the first time?

Will I ever get to experience any of it?

Why is God saying No? Or Wait? Why do I even cling to hope some days?

Honesty with myself sometimes hurts, I might not ever get to experience these thing. But I cling to hope.

Hope and a Prayer. To be a mom. To experience pregnancy. To be able to breastfeed. To make my husband a father to babies HERE on EARTH. To be a mom to a little one in my ARMS instead of one in my heart.

Over a year and a half now. Five losses. Maybe more before we officially started ttc. Who knows. I would love to get a strong set of pink lines leading up to a heartbeat, visible kicks, and a birth story to be told.

But it sometimes feels too far away. Sometimes it feels right around the corner. And sometimes I wonder if it will happen. And if that small wonder is keeping it from happening.

I am sick of feeling jealousy and hopelessness when I find a new woman is pregnant or showing or experiencing things I yearn for.

God do not turn your deaf ear to me any longer, else I may fall into a slimey pit again. Please listen to my pleas and give me the desires of my heart, of OUR hearts. Please bless us Lord. Please grant our prayers, make our hopes come true.

Jess

Updates...

Sorry I have been so busy lately, I miss updating, hearing from you, and reading what is going on in everyone's lives.

Many of you might have been like WHAT is going on at school? I am thinking I am in the clear so I will tell you all the story. I wish I could tell it to you in person with my arms a flailing to describe my emotions and the utter craziness of it all.

So there is this girl, she works like 60 hours a week and gets Nothing less than a B+ on any of the exams. I have been thinking she is just this really smart/good studier/amazing test taker. She told us she had a friend that graduated before and had all off her old stuff. Notes, book, etc. So Before exam 2 she shows me a study guide she studied from. All I noticed is that it was on wound care and had rationales for each question on why things were/weren't right.

So I gladly looked it over, skimming quickly through it. Test came. I noticed a few questions the same, and thought "wow that study guide is awesome!"

Fast forward to last Thursday, she passes 5 of us girls the "study packet" for the next exam. Being nice and copying it for all of us. I go on my merry way, last day of class before spring break! I go to the library and head out of the buidling.

At this point I see a huge group (between 10-15) of girls from my class. I hear one girl say, "how do I delete her from my phone?" I glance over her shoulder because no one answered my enthusiastic hello. It is her. The girl that gave us the "study" packets. I turned to another girl and asked, "what is wrong?" Her response, "Did S give you papers today in class?" "Um..yes. Why?" "Get rid of them. They are test bank questions. It is cheating." Evidentally our teacher had seen the girl pass the packet out to two other girls. Asked to see them and what do you know...it is considered cheating.

She told me to get rid of them, but I knew I had to turn them in. So Friday after much stressing (and greasy food and a strong Southern Comfort and Rootbeer) came. We met with the teacher and explained we didnt want to be part of cheating, we didnt know they were cheating, heck, I didnt know test bank questions existed! All I thought was AWESOME study guide!

She closed by telling us she would have to turn it into the VP, Assistant, and Dean. Bring the water works. Nursing is what I am supposed to do! I freaked out the rest of the day, until my amazingly wise husband sent me a text saying, "Satan couldnt bring you down with the fifth miscarriage so he had to try and find another way, Jess you will be okay." And the verse, "If God is for us, then who can stop us" ran through my thoughts. I told the girls in my class the thoughts. That God wanted us to be nurses, he could make a way. He can part the red sea, make jericho tumble down, and do anything he wishes...he could make a path for us.

And a path I believe he is making. Yesterday I got a note from teacher stating my grade may change with review of questions on that test bank that I had looked at before exam and any matching questions will be marked as wrong. I can take that. Because planner worrier Jessica had already figured out dropped second exam would mean I could only get 34 points wrong for the rest of the semester to pass squeeking by with the lowest percentage of a C.

I had also started to get a case around to why using test bank questions shouldnt be considered grounds for dismissal. I was serious about the possibilities. It isnt over yet, but I do have a peace about it.

*Phew!* there is my school situation.

TTC - EWCM has been pleantiful since CD14 so idk what is going on. Also, a fellow blogger had joked about going to a concert during begginning of tww was what helped her get pregnant. So when we went to winterjam Sunday...that is what my mind kept thinking about.

Also, I really feel adoption from China on our heart. Holt International did a clip at Winter Jam....so I did a little bit more research. Through them you have to be 30-45 to adopt from China. I have a little over 5 years to get God to get James on board. I think we have a little girl that will be born in China. She will be ours one day. <3

My Dad is out of the hospital. M is settled into our house.

But I am afraid it probably wont be for long. I am thinking jail is in his future again for an incident back when he still lived at home. Oh and M's dad's trial is next Monday (nineth). I hear he is facing 45 years. It cannot come soon enough FINALLY he is sitting in jail waiting for the trial.

So there are my updates...I am tired, worked last night...for first time since the 17th of March. Super sleepy and have a dentist appointment. ZzzZzZzzzZzzzzz