Uneasy

When facing pregnancy with a past of infertility, and especially a history of loss. Things are a little...different for lack of better word to use.

You see, with infertility alone I truly believe you cherish pregnancy more. After waiting over a year to see two beautiful lines pop up, and having all of that time to dream of your future baby...your heart swells with immense happiness. Happiness only an infertile woman (or maybe a woman that truly can feel for others, and tries to) can understand. Like with any woman, seeing a positive is an exciting thing.

You get butterflies.You are hopeful. You start to dream of telling people you are pregnant, heck you might shout it out right away. Or be more reserved, because maybe you know what loss is like.

Especially with my (and maybe your!) history of loss. Because after those butterflies in the past has come immense sadness, pain, times of waiting for good news only to be faced with yet another step back into a corner. Those butterflies were like false hope, shadows that you could not hold onto.

After miscarriage, butterflies get mixed with the anxious feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because sometimes it feels like it isn't ever going to happen for you. Whether waiting while ttc still, or ttc after loss...that fear and uneasiness can fill your heart and your head. You fear and worry. And then hope sneaks in, and your spirits soar, and you feel like maybe, just maybe, there will be a day for you as well.

That is what this pregnancy is like. I have began dreaming of how we will share the news. After the first ultrasound we will share with parents, at 12 weeks we will share on facebook. I have some cute ideas for how to do this as well, and it makes me happy to think I might actually be able to use something baby I found on pinterest. (Too lazy to go find the post...but essentially have our dog hold up a sign around his neck that says Big Brother in Training or something of the sort). Or run another 5k and when posting those pictures closer to 12 weeks edit one and put running for 2 and have me holding up an ultrasound photo.

But, then late night laying in bed next to James I whisper...., "I am so excited and hopeful." and he responds with, "I am nervous to be excited." And I know that pain, I get it. I have lived it along side of him. Saw his face light up the first time I told him I was pregnant. Heard the excitement and awe in his voice when he saw the sac on my first ultrasound with my second pregnancy. And saw the tears when we cried because we had lost yet another.

This time, I can hope and pray, and believe things will be different. But it is entirely in God's hands. It isn't up to me, or when I start taking my lovenox, or any other crazy idea I could come up with. It is by God's hand that I am pregnant, and it is up to God to keep me that way.

Things have been a little different this time around. Symptoms have been a little different. Constipation hasn't happened *yet* but rather I have been more regular (like talking two or three times a day...). I have been peeing more than usual, haven't had that since first and second pregnancy. The hunger that hits is CRAZY at times. My boobs and nips didn't start hurting right away, but rather waited enough for me to think this pregnancy was a goner. Fatigue has been intense. And I have still had cramping.

And spotting. And let me tell you...this spotting is going to get old real quick. It is always in the morning after sleeping. Yesterday and today both...brown spotting. Enough to make my tummy queasy with anxiety and prayers that nothing will be wrong.

So today when the OB called and told me I didn't need to do a repeat beta I almost fainted. And told the nurse about the spotting and because of my history I would be more comfortable if I repeated at least one more time. She was such a sweetheart and said, "You can go ahead and repeat that beta whenever you want, I completely understand with your history!" Then told me that they wanted to do the viability ultrasound at seven weeks. Eeek! Seven weeks. Saying it makes my heart skip a beat. I haven't been past six technically. I should have been 8 with Sammy, but that little baby quit growing around six. So if the spotting continues and I am still following my betas on up, I fully believe they will answer my prayers and sneak me in early for an u/s.

But as for right now...May 7th at 10am is my nurse intake and first u/s. And if you are curious, if going by my LMP I will be 8w1d then. With my school schedule and wanting James to be able to come I had to push it back a little further than I wanted. Oh well, it just helps me believe that God is with me and knows what is best, that there will be a heartbeat (or heartbeats!) at that date and time.

I am 5w1d now by those calculations. If I go by my "usual" O time then I am 4w4d. Regardless, less than a week and a half from where I have EVER made it. I even got the phlebotomist praying for me. I told her it was my sixth pregnancy and none of them were sticking, she was so cute and said she would do her "magic" on the blood (caught the vibe she didn't want to say prayers bc people could turn her in for it) the best she could and hope this one is a sticky one!

To write down u/s that far out, on 8w1d feels surreal, and I just hope and pray that it comes to pass. By that time I will know if I passed or failed my nursing class, and at this point and time I am feeling comfortable with either outcome. If I fail I will take my Pharmacology this summer take the fall off for pending baby arrival and jump back in the Spring with the class I am currently in. Things will work out.

Thank you for all of your prayers and continued support.

Oh and I forgot, at church on Sunday one of James' friend's mom came up to us and let us know that their son put an u/s in their Easter basket the past Sunday. She went on to say he was being "shy" about it and hasn't told many people. I wanted to say, well maybe that is because things don't always work out. Or maybe they have had a miscarriage and didn't tell you. You don't know. Don't judge them, and if they don't want to tell people yet...don't be telling people for them. But I kept my mouth shut. Until I was in the car alone with James. And we both had the same things to say. The kicker was their due date is November 14th, last month my due date was going to be my birthday November 16th. talk about a sad moment for me.

But we have a light that is hopefully going to shine til the end of 40 weeks when we get to take the precious baby home...with an EDD of somewhere between December 17-20. (To be honest, my best bet would be for me to go about 2-4 weeks early, but we shall see. That is like counting the chickens before they hatch).