Little Bit About Me

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First and foremost, I am a Christian woman: I love Jesus! In this blog you will find stories of trying to conceive with PCOS, MTHFR, Poor egg quality, a unicornuate uteterus, and too many babies in heaven. It is a good thing God is the ultimate healer! Here you will find praise! and you may also find venting (I'm not perfect...) and you will find other stories of my crazy life. All the while through this journey I am holding on to scripture & hoping to one day be a mother here on Earth (waiting on God & His perfect timing...why am I so impatient?) But in the meantime, here you will find me: Jessica, loving wife, hopeful heart of a mother, and faithful friend.

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CAUTION

All writing in this blog is unedited and 100% from what I am feeling at the time. By continuing to read it means that you will take my vents with a grain of salt. You will choose to not take offense. And most of all, if you know me in real life you will either choose to stop reading or keep the knowledge of this blog quiet, and privately allow me to know you are reading. I only share this information with close friends. I do not share this with facebook for a purpose: it is meant to be semi-private. Not "public" knowledge in the sense of the majority of those in real life knowing about it. If you can accept all that has been stated, sit back, grab a box of tissues, and be prepared to endure the rocky road of trying to conceive while trying to get out of the shadows of infertility.

If you have any private questions or concerns you may contact me at mynotesonttc at gmail.com



♥

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Honesty

Sometimes as I see women with their bellies round with baby, and their little toddlers wandering about I wonder...

Will I ever get to experience that?

Will I get to experience the joy of making it out of the first tri? Of feeling the baby flutter about inside? Or see the look in my husbands eyes as he holds our squirming baby for the first time?

Will I ever get to experience any of it?

Why is God saying No? Or Wait? Why do I even cling to hope some days?

Honesty with myself sometimes hurts, I might not ever get to experience these thing. But I cling to hope.

Hope and a Prayer. To be a mom. To experience pregnancy. To be able to breastfeed. To make my husband a father to babies HERE on EARTH. To be a mom to a little one in my ARMS instead of one in my heart.

Over a year and a half now. Five losses. Maybe more before we officially started ttc. Who knows. I would love to get a strong set of pink lines leading up to a heartbeat, visible kicks, and a birth story to be told.

But it sometimes feels too far away. Sometimes it feels right around the corner. And sometimes I wonder if it will happen. And if that small wonder is keeping it from happening.

I am sick of feeling jealousy and hopelessness when I find a new woman is pregnant or showing or experiencing things I yearn for.

God do not turn your deaf ear to me any longer, else I may fall into a slimey pit again. Please listen to my pleas and give me the desires of my heart, of OUR hearts. Please bless us Lord. Please grant our prayers, make our hopes come true.

Jess

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2 comments:

  1. LisaB/lisabttcApril 8, 2012 at 9:33 AM

    I feel the same way <3 Well said. I pray that you get to experience all of those things.

    ReplyDelete
  2. LoryApril 8, 2012 at 4:55 PM

    Big hugs Jess. I hope and pray God grants you a take home baby or 2 very aoon.soon

    ReplyDelete

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