CD 1, and Thoughts on Legacy.

Yesterday was CD1. I enjoyed myself a large glass of watermelon moscato. And quite possibly the day before ate way too much for my own good. I made chocolate cake with cherries on top, and cool whip available for good measure.

I am thankful I didn't waste money on more tests but I am not sure I will do the not testing this again if I am late. I want to know if I should grieve a lost baby or just move on. Should I be using tampons or if it is a loss should I be using pads? Those questions won't be answered this month.

But I enjoyed the maybe wishful thinking while it lasted. James and I really need to get back on the healthy eating train. We have been riding the struggle bus lately.

I also had my first night at work. It was long. my knee hurt....but nice to talk to people!

And then there is the factor that I inadvertently helped to spread why someone at work got fired. I heard the same story from 3 people and a 4th heard it from his mom who works in the office. Brace yourself for a chuckle and a look of utter disgust/confusion.

So the reason I found out is because I asked a coworker because I was nervous first 3 days back they decided to schedule me in the building I do not usually work....and I only could assume this woman got fired due to the position being available and one of the bigger bosses saying to me on the phone "I am not sure what we are going to do with that 'situation.'" Anyways my exact words when I asked my co-worker were "I am feeling pretty anxious about working out at the other building, due to her being fired I just want to make sure they aren't setting me up for failure and I don't make the same mistakes as her." (I assumed at this point it was phone usage or watching too much TV or something....)

WELL let me tell you. My co-worker comes back and let's me know, "Well I don't usually like to believe things like this unless they come directly from the source but it came from a very credible source....she got caught with the med guy in the med room. Like porno style."

My response? "WHAT?! I WILL NOT NEED TO WORRY ABOUT MAKING THAT MISTAKE I AM HAPPILY MARRIED! What was she thinking?"

Just a little tid bit she is married with little twin girls in kindergarten or so. She took this med guy to another co-worker's wedding the weekend or two before she was fired. What a complete and utter bonehead. #1 we work at a facility where cameras are everywhere to protect the residents and make sure if something happens in halls we have proof of staff and what happened. #2 they had issues with a staff stealing narcs of course they are going to have cameras in the med room! #3 HOW does that even pose a possibility in your mind while you are on the clock at work? #4 With as hard as you worked for your license WHY would you chance your job in this way? #5 it is a cake walk over at this other building at night. There are 2 med passes all night...not even joking. 1 breathing treatment and 1 other pill.

Enough of that. I start my PT Wednesday. I guess it is a 1 hour evaluation to start with. I am hoping they say I do not need the full month at 3 days a week. But I would like a clear for a low impact cardiovascular work out. I can adjust my biggest loser work outs to meet my needs. I just need it to lose weight better and to tone my muscles.

I have decided pregnancy must be harder for me to accept when certain hormones are shifting in my body...like post ovulation progesterone is my thought. I turn into a woman that is envious and wishful in my thinking. Not fun or fair to those that are blessed to not have to know this struggle. 

I wish and pray that infertility and loss would be a cup that is taken away from us....but just as Jesus asked before he died on the cross...sometimes there are these "crosses" we have to bear. I have been called to this struggle it seems.

I should not compare my life story to others. I am blessed in other ways. I will get to know my babies in heaven. I will hopefully get to hear from Jesus that I handled this unfortunate life circumstance well. I would like to hope I can come out looking graceful and giving full glory to God.

On my mind has been the legacy we leave for our children. I love my mother but sometimes I feel the legacy I have built my life upon is nothing to be very envious of. There was alcoholism on my mom's side. Struggles with finances on both sides. Struggles with keeping the house put together on both sides. My father's side isn't close and to be completely honest wasn't family centered, selfish, high tempers....etc.

What do I get to leave for our children? Infertility? Continued struggles with money? Continued struggles with keeping house picked up and organized? I refuse to leave these behind. I want to be a change. A catalyst. I want my children to know the freedom of Christ. For them to be strong in their faith. I want them to take care of what God has given them. To learn to tithe in even the most dire circumstances. I want them to lean on God and know we are there for anything. I want to let them know divorce is NOT an option. To break down chains of sexual sin that is scattered on both sides of our families. I wish for Matthew to not have to wish one day he had not given his heart and body away to another before his wife in marriage. I want him to have strong faith and a good work ethic. I want him to have compassion and mercy on others. I want him to turn to God in the midst of struggle instead of running away. I want him to grow up knowing God instead of coming to know him after he graduates high school. I pray for his future wife. And for their children and their future spouses. For health and prosperity even in struggles of this world. Big prayers. Prayers that go down generation after generation.

And this makes me sit back and wonder what prayers were prayed for us girls? Any? Again I want to be a change. A catalyst. For bigger and better things. Bigger in the aspect of living life for God. Better in the aspect of a stronger foundation. My family isn't bad we are closer than many, I love so many of the memories we have from growing up. But there is also much brokenness and darkness intertwined.

I want my children to walk in the light. I want game nights with them and their friends. I want them to be able to call their aunts if they want to talk about anything. I want grandparents to be available to watch him play sports or get married. I want them to know they can pray for their friends and family and that God will listen and answer prayers.

I am dragging on but this is something I feel so pationate about. I also want Matthew to know he is the young compared to siblings in heaven even if he is the oldest here. I want to set up a memorial time for use for our lost babies and his lost siblings. My heart yearns to bless him with a house full of children because I loved being the oldest of 4.

Anyways I have better decide if I am going to sleep for another hour or get up and get ready for church. ♡

CD 34

Well my period is late. And if it doesn't show before midnight this will be my longest cycle since March where I wasn't pregnant. Who knows what my body is doing.

And on that note I have decided I am not testing until next week Thursday.  And then I will be over a week late and be almost out of the loss zone for me. I just don't know how well I would handle an 11th loss at the moment. So as always, it is in God's hands. Believing I am either not pregnant or pregnant with a sticky bean. 

Might as well "symptom spot"

Runny/Stuff nose
Fatigue
Constipation
Sore nipples for the first time in a very long time. But not like glass cuts with water (yet)
Aversion to nursing
More peeing
Increased Thirst
occasional cramps
cervix is very high but soft (I checked to see if there was any pink discharge. .. There wasn't)
And Matthew has been saying Baby Mama!

Lack of motivation isn't good for a lady that wants to start keeping he house clean. Working on keeping the downstairs clean.... just don't look at our hall or bedrooms or basement. I have done good lately minus the two baskets of clothes that are folded and need to be put away, my end stands strewn with insurance and retirement info,  and dishes that need to be done before work...my living room and kitchen/dining room is impeccable for me!

Cheated?

Some days I feel cheated out of the innocence of pregnancy. To believe all pregnancies happen easily, within months, without heartache of loss or infertility.

Some days I feel cheated out of the last weeks of my pregnancy.  Like that precious time was cut too short, I missed out on essentially a month of big beautiful baby belly and savoring the feeling of kicks and even being able to experience the discomforts that many talk about.

Some days I feel cheated out of those first 6 weeks of breastfeeding my son. especially because I feel the hospital was not baby friendly at all...

And then I have to check myself. And accept that this is the story God wrote for me. No one else, but ME! Then I have to some days struggle to truly praise him for my struggles and do my best to not try to take the pen he wrote my story with out of his hands.

Praise him with a broken heart and make those feelings of being cheated bubble up to him as a pray and hope like carbonation they will bubble right out of my being.

I am speaking at MOPS next month. And I am clueless on what I will say. The Holy Spirit is going to have to move through me. Because there is much I could say. So much knowledge that God has given me through my heartache.

Every month the brokenness you feel when your period comes again. The expectancy you experience and hope that manages to bubble up from the depths of my soul in spite of saying it won't this month.

I am there again. My period is due today. No signs of it. Two negative pregnancy tests in the trash. And somehow I think Matthew knows, he saw me looking at the blank white test and he got excited and wanted to see what I was looking at, and I kid you not later he started saying "Baby mama? Baby" I told him gently "Buddy momma wants a baby too, so we are going to have to just keep praying. Do you want to pray with Mama?"

And he now says Amen! Where has my baby gone? He is now this little man in a toddlers body some days I swear!

I am not Cheated. I am blessed. Blessed to be one that God trusted to lay all of this on. Blessed to be one that He trusts that I will minister to other who are hurting. And blessed that he gave me this living breathing miracle that is my son.

"Symptoms"

(I wrote this on Tuesday and evidently it never posted....) So I am about 10dpo. ...I think. And my only "symptoms" the past 2 days have been constipation, excessive thirst, and feeling like a furnace. And hunger and feeling bloated. (Small edit: woke up 2x with feeling cold from sweating....Google has me wanting to test. UGH!)

I really have decided I probably am not pregnant but in the off chance I am I have been more diligent about taking my vitamins and baby aspirin.

Anyways....I do have one dollar store cheapie that I could use but preferring to wait until AF is late. Especially with finances. I may also have a FRER but pretending that I didn't spot it the other day lol

So that's that. my life has been trying to catch up our house on cleaning while taking care of Matthew and babying my knee.

My best friend did come over on Monday to look through clothes and I felt like I wanted to cling to them and not share due to the memories they carried with them. And I felt God whisper to my soul they are just material things. I felt more at ease after that and was reminded that after I let my aunt borrow maternity clothes I got pregnant a few months later with Matthew.

Today we actually got out of the house and it felt sooo good to me. I have a story to share about one of the discussions I had today as well but waiting to hear back from her later this week. Let's just say it was an I definitely heard God moment. And I am waiting to know if the other prayer I prayed not knowing it was for them came true. I am being vague but it is about people in real life that I know personally and some of my blog readers probably know as well. ♡

Let's just say my heart is giddy with JOY.

I am hoping that means my heart is healing over our past and moving forward with God in the center.

(And I am writing this today!)

So I caved and took my FRER. I don't remember which day but it was stark white negative which means sore nipples are now part of PMS for me now :-/ UGH! I have also still been struggling with constipation and being a furnace. So maybe instead of the fact that I am back over 200 lbs (200.8 to be exact) my body is trying to do the right thing and produce a good ovulation! Wishful thinking? Maybe! Probably.

I really am wanting to try Progessence Plus by young living. It has stories of helping women with balancing hormones, especially progesterone. And evening helping women keep babies when regular progesterone pills hadn't helped them. Looking at a few others as well!

Baby fever is burning deep within my soul. Friday I saw another friend and she was growing round with baby. She hadn't announced yet but there was no hiding it at all in the outfit she was wearing. How I YEARN to go through another healthy pregnancy. I have decided this week begins our healthy lifestyle, again. oiy! I need to lose weight so I can carry another baby or at least look damn good trying. My goal is to be pregnant by the time my sister gets married in May or weigh 160 lbs.

But more than weight loss I want to bring a sibling to my son who sees baby carriers in the carts at stores and yells "Baby!" My little boy that loves baby dolls at church, and holds them and pats their backs. My little boy who is a miracle to me, given to us by our God! And how selfish I feel some days for asking Him to repeat a miracle. Then I read in the Bible of those that did everything they could to get to Jesus and some days I feel like that with my prayers. Examples...

Prepare a way in my body for a healthy baby to implant.

Help me to ovulate well this month, please Lord!

Make sure my fallopian tube is clear and ready to move a fertilized egg into my uterus!

God, Please bless us!

Lord help my desires to be in place with yours.

Please if it is your will do not let us go through another loss.

Jesus, help us to bring a sibling (or as many as you wish to bless us with!) for Matthew into this world soon.

.....Yeah that is what it is like some days. 

Anyways, I should end this book of a post. Later I will post an entry about my breakdown day that I had this past Friday, before MOPS. Before seeing another pregnant friends belly, and before being in a room with at least 5 infants at once...which literally made my uterus ache. No joke, right along side of my heart!

Symptom Watching

I don't even know for sure when I ovulated but I swear to goodness I am thinking this could be a pregnant month due to this insane heartburn past 3 nights and my lethargy/just feeling pregnant/bloated. Add it it more sensitive nips than usual and you have a symptom water that is perusing countdowntopregnancy.com and wondering "What if?"

Then the practical part of me says a month would be minimal for ideal. So we could start out on new insurance. I would be back to working and have option of short term disability if I get the nights position. It would extend my due date further from the end of school....etc etc etc.

I think I am just feeling more ready emotionally for another because Matthew is growing up. He isn't a baby anymore.

I suppose if I truly am feeling ready I need to kick it into gear and lose some weight. And do what I can to get back into shape.  At least my swelling is going down even if my pain is worse today.  I think it is the cold weather! Brrr...I miss summer already!

Challenge

My co-workers were doing a challenge for 30 days to give up one thing to better yourself be it swearing pop candy or TV. I just couldn't decide on something with my surgery coming up I knew food was impractical because when you hurt....you don't feel like cooking and take the quick way out (and hence the scale reads 201....*sigh*).

So what did I do instead? Picked up my Bible. And started reading! Daily! And I am trying to write in a prayer journal about every other day at this moment in time. I have been reading the Blended plan on the youversion Bible app. I am in Isaiah and oh buddy is that some crazy stuff. I have even read it out loud to Matthew once or twice...and thought I don't know how you could fall asleep to this! It is kind of dark.

Anyways, I have also been reading 2 other devotionals. One for me and one to help me look at aspects of our marriage ...and I can tell you I can sense the changes in multiple aspects of my life.

I find myself stopping when I am starting to feel anxious and worry and quoting scripture to myself and praying. I am finding myself praying for my husband more. For the prospect of another baby and being debt free. I am also starting to realize I haven't been praying for both of my friends that are pregnant like I should be. It made me feel like a horrible horrible person.

I am finding so much joy in the life that God is creating in others and reminding myself that God keeps his promises and he listens to the desires of my heart. I really feel he has promised me one more baby. Beyond that I do not know. It is entirely in His hands! So is the fact that I may or may not experience another miscarriage.

Heart is filled with joy and happiness. I have also said yes to a third shift position if they will only schedule me 4 days every 2 weeks so I can still pick up on 1st to keep up my skills and be able to have a set schedule for when I am in school. Hopefully I can pick classes that would work around that schedule or find someone to work with me. PLUS it is the position where I can study every night for HOURS while getting paid. Say what?! Exciting!

And school said I can do full time this spring. Things are falling into place and I am at peace with it!  It is quite freeing.

Of course prayers are still appreciated!  Especially our finances as being off for a month has left a toll!

Surgery and All that Jazz

So I had my acl repair on the 28th. It was not so much fun. Still isn't. 3 little incisions. And lots of swelling. I had pretty much stopped taking Norco or Ultram.  And then they took out my stitches and told me to wean off my crutches and that there was no need to wear my acl brace when at home yesterday at my follow up appointment. So superwoman me didn't use the crutches at all today. And OUCH! Let's just say Norco is my friend at night and Ultram during the day...along with Tylenol and ibuprofen.

Also 3x a week I get to do PT. This is one expensive fall let me tell you. And still trying to get my insurance figured out because I got a bill in the mail that says we owe over 3,000. Which I am 99% sure isn't right due to the fact that it says insurance has paid 0. And it is just for the surgeons office and not the hospital.

This knee has given me a glimpse into what a stroke patient must feel. Because sometimes I just physically cannot move it the way I want to. It is like dead weight and not so much fun.

I haven't been blogging much lately but I have been writing in a journal. My prayer journal and it has been like digging down deep and centering myself and finding me again. It has been nice. I have been missing that "me" time.

Sorry this blog is going to be all over the place...I even sat down and read my paper journal from during our infertility/multiple losses and I cried. I cannot believe we endured that time and are still together. And we have a miracle of a toddler to call our own. We are immensely blessed. A true testimony of God's goodness. From our first loss we would have had a three year old this summer. And that blows my mind. It also blew my mind to see at when Matthew was 6 months old and get got pregnant how excited I was to "have another peanut".

I have also been reading (listening really as it is an audio book) The Circle Maker. And it is making come back to what I knew previously and haven't been living. God loves audacious prayer. He loves answering prayers in ways that you will be able to 100% tell it was Him and give all the glory back to him. Good book so far! And so many good testimonies that have made me cry!

And while on the glory topic. Joel Osteen's wife...OIY! There is a clip stating that we don't do things to glorify God but to make us happy because that glorifies God. Um...no. have they read Job? Or can they explain cancer or infertility or pregnancy and infant loss? That brings NO joy and we still find ways to glorify God during those moments when we pray and stay faithful to him. That couple gives me the heebies and millions follow them. And I truly believe it is a false religious movement.

End that little rant.

Now about school...no school for me this semester and possibly this year. And if they wanted to be jerks. Technically they could make me apply LPN to RN and make me retake classes I have already taken I think.

And then there is money. We are officially getting medical bills garnished. I haven't made payments since my first fall because been trying to catch up on things that matter (aka house, electricity, car insurance, food...you get the picture). So now I have to call to see how much is going to get garnished so I can do a budget. And stick to it better than we have been. Because I am sick of living paycheck to paycheck and being in debt up to our ears.

So a year off from school might be better for me if I were honest with myself. A 3rd shift position has opened up at work and I am in debate about trying it. It would mean I could pick up short term disability for me and feel more comfortable trying to conceive. Because the yearning for a baby definitely hasn't gone away. Idk. At a loss for what to do. Going to part time would mean I could pick up days they are short on my opposite weekend for double time. And possibly during the week for time and a half or double time pending on how many hours I have worked. The downfall is figuring out what Matthew will do in the mornings so James can leave on time for work (and then there is the issue of sleep if it wasn't in a row I could handle just a nap in the morning and then sleep like a normal person at night).

Sorry for that rabbit hole...As I said all over the place and prayers are appreciated.

Here are my specific prayers.

○ For God to move in our finances to help us get out of throat crushing debt and into financial freedom.
○ A decision on what to do for work.
○ For my medical bills to be figured out, swelling to go down in my left knee, full range of motion and strength to be back before I return to work (I have a work release for the 22nd).
○ For James and I to not suffer any more losses and be able to experience a healthy and uneventful pregnancy.

That is all for now. Thanks for sticking with me if you did :-)