Cheated?

Some days I feel cheated out of the innocence of pregnancy. To believe all pregnancies happen easily, within months, without heartache of loss or infertility.

Some days I feel cheated out of the last weeks of my pregnancy.  Like that precious time was cut too short, I missed out on essentially a month of big beautiful baby belly and savoring the feeling of kicks and even being able to experience the discomforts that many talk about.

Some days I feel cheated out of those first 6 weeks of breastfeeding my son. especially because I feel the hospital was not baby friendly at all...

And then I have to check myself. And accept that this is the story God wrote for me. No one else, but ME! Then I have to some days struggle to truly praise him for my struggles and do my best to not try to take the pen he wrote my story with out of his hands.

Praise him with a broken heart and make those feelings of being cheated bubble up to him as a pray and hope like carbonation they will bubble right out of my being.

I am speaking at MOPS next month. And I am clueless on what I will say. The Holy Spirit is going to have to move through me. Because there is much I could say. So much knowledge that God has given me through my heartache.

Every month the brokenness you feel when your period comes again. The expectancy you experience and hope that manages to bubble up from the depths of my soul in spite of saying it won't this month.

I am there again. My period is due today. No signs of it. Two negative pregnancy tests in the trash. And somehow I think Matthew knows, he saw me looking at the blank white test and he got excited and wanted to see what I was looking at, and I kid you not later he started saying "Baby mama? Baby" I told him gently "Buddy momma wants a baby too, so we are going to have to just keep praying. Do you want to pray with Mama?"

And he now says Amen! Where has my baby gone? He is now this little man in a toddlers body some days I swear!

I am not Cheated. I am blessed. Blessed to be one that God trusted to lay all of this on. Blessed to be one that He trusts that I will minister to other who are hurting. And blessed that he gave me this living breathing miracle that is my son.