Waiting is the Worst.

Waiting for the beta results was bad.
Waiting for the day for the second beta results was worse.
But waiting to miscarry is the freaking worst.

I am now currently a day late for my period. I guess I shouldn't test early any more because my theory I had in my head of the pregnancy working the sooner we had a positive and the sooner I started lovenox and such is a bust.

Though, how many of you (if any) start lovenox in the 2ww? Or start progesterone in the 2ww as well? Because that would be my next step.

Well that and IUI which we dont really have the money for at the moment. I would love to do IUI with clomid and trigger shot, because it would give me more eggs to choose from. Screw the probability of UU because honestly 24% of losses are in first try...I have lost FIVE in the first tri...actually the first 2 freaking months.

I am angry and ready for my body to do something right for once.

I dont even know HOW I managed to get pregnant this month with the lack of sexual activity lol. Or honestly when I ovulated because I thought I did earlier in the month and then got the same symptoms like a little over a week later. So who flipping knows.

And besides that....WHY let me get pregnant if I am going to just lose again? False freaking hope God...false hope. I clung to you this time. Outwardly I act like I was expecting another loss, but inwardly...I thought this was it. I clung to you and I feel like you dropped the ball AGAIN! I am a little upset with you, but I still love you. I am beyond pissed that this has to happen again and again. But am trying to find ways to feel blessed still. Infertility is a huge messy ball of emotions and I dont know why you allow it to be active in this world for those that would make wonderful mothers, and those that are shitty mothers you allow children easily. Many of them us infertiles end up parenting. Why not just let us have our own babies? Let us experience the miracle of pregnancy. Let us see our bellies expand and grow and be tickled and kicked from the inside. It isnt far God. I know one day I will be a mom, in fact I am a mom to five little babies already in your kingdom...and I hope they are enjoying being with you. But it sucks down here without them. 19 months of trying to conceive God. NINETEEN! It seems like forever to me know, please dont let it eventually feel like a short time. Please God! You know James and my heart for children. Please bless us with a healthy pregnancy. With babies and eventually adoption and foster parenting.

I am waiting on you God, and it definitely isnt easy. And I am worshiping while I wait, but it doesnt mean I wont be angry and upset with the choice you have made. I cannot wait to hold my babies, and honestly my heart feels more and more missing with every loss. Every time it pulls a chunk out of my heart. But I love you with all I have and all I can.

And yes, I did just shed my first tears over this loss. I am not as strong as I seem. I am just numb. Five losses at the age of 24. What the heck are you thinking Lord?

Are we supposed to forget getting pregnant and skip right to adoption? Is that your plan for us? Because if it is...be prepared for a bitter period of time once more. I know being a mom is the ultimate ultimate goal....and I plan on adopting at least 2 children...but I. Want. To. Experience. Pregnancy. With. A. Healthy. Baby. Period. I just wish my wants would line up for what you want for me.

HSG

Went in for my HSG today, and I left heart broken and distraught.


This is a normal uterus:

This is my uterus:

I have a unicornuate uterus. 1 in 4,000 women have it. According to about.com miscarriage happens in 37%, preterm birth in 16%, and term birth in only 45% of pregnancies of women with this defect.

 I feel broken. I have another doctor appointment tomorrow. 

When it Rains it Pours, We need to Pour out Prayers

Holy toots, today we got some crazy news. Where my family is there is bound to be drama. With my Dad's side it spurs from my father. With my Mom's side you have two choices: Aunt P or Aunt K's family.

Aunt K is the mom to my cousin M that got the girl preggers, just so you can have a reference point.

My cousin today came out with some startling news. News that if you knew him and didn't take into affect emotions, and thought about how he was supposed to have a court date that has a huge possibility of tossing him into jail (be praying!) you would say...NO WAY he is so LYING. But he cried. M doesn't cry. Ever.

Here is the tidbits of the story I got second hand.

M heard a noise from his sister's room and he decided that it was time to tell the truth: his dad had been molesting him since he was young. My mom got the call to pick him up. And he said to her something along the lines of, "I knew I was probably going to go to jail tomorrow, and I couldn't go to jail knowing that she wouldn't be safe from him. I can go to jail now, knowing she will be safe." And he cried. And cried. and cried.

When my Mom asked him why his mom didn't know, why she didn't do anything. M's response? "How did she not hear Aunt S?" She asked him, "You lived with me for a year, M...why didn't you tell me?" His response..."I couldn't deal with S's (my sister's) looks and judgement." And then he cried. He CRIED. How could my mom NOT believe him, I really think she is on the fence. He needs someone to believe in him. And I do, I believe.

M usually doesn't make sense and you can see right through his lies, or maybe that is just me.

When my mom was telling me this, I fell to my knees on the ground and cried. I haven't fallen to my knees like that since I got the first news that I was miscarrying soon. In the midst of my tears after talking to my mom, I sat on my butt and prayed, and prayed.

My cousin A said nothing happened. But if it happened to M...maybe it did, or maybe it will. About cousin A saying nothing happened...I asked mom...so did they do a swab or an exam to make sure? "No, she said nothing happened." SERIOUSLY? How many little kids are going to be brave enough to say yes, especially if they know they won't get to live with their parents.

But then again A understands what is going on a little bit, because in the past when M lived with my mom she asked her, "Aunt S, if something happens....can I come live with you?" Break my heart into a million pieces.

I just hope they believe M in spite of his lying past. I pray that my cousins will be safe, and be able to be out of that environment. I poured out my heart to God and said shame on me for praying so hard for a baby all the time and forgetting to pray for these two, when something within me since I was in high school has said I would fight for custody if I was older. My mom has always poo-pooed it off. And she kind of is this situation too.

If M doesn't get placed in jail, it is obvious he will not be able to return home. James and I would have to have a serious talk with each other and M, but I would love to extend our home open to him. M has a history of lying, stealing, and misbehaving. BUT with a positive male role model in a loving home M blossoms. I can't explain it, you'd have to see it to believe it.

It is one of those situations where you wish it didn't make sense. I wish I could say things didn't line up. But they do. His history of misbehaving, of fighting with my Uncle, of early sexual behavior, and choosing to go back home from my mom's.

Now I think the reason he chose to go home was for A. He is a good kid underneath it all, just has had a shitty hand dealt to him when it came to parents. Ones that couldn't overcome their past, which reminds me...we honestly know nothing about my Uncle's past. I have always wondered, but he would never talk about it. And now it makes you wonder if there is a reason why...a reason why he doesn't see his kids from past marriage.

So I am asking again for prayer, but not prayer for me (well maybe to be able to have the option to bring him into our home)...instead prayer for my cousins. Prayers that the cops would believe M if what he is saying is true. I say if lightly, because I believe him. I believe. And it makes me feel sick.

 Now I am thinking about having to find the money to buy a 17 year old clothes, food, and help him to become a man instead of a boy in a man's body. Where God guides God will provide. That is what I have to lean on at this point.

Blue Sort of Day

Or maybe I should say white? Because today is the first snow fall for my area in Michigan. And can I say BOO to that? UGH! We STILL do not have our heat hooked up mind you. So we are heating based on 2 electric heaters. Which are doing wonderful, but it is still chilly in here. Definitely blanket and hoodie weather.

But I am just down today. No more baby story. James is getting into watching it. I think he is hopeful that it will happen for us soon, but I am quickly loosing hope. One year after first miscarriage and no baby still. 17 months of ttc without any truly good news.

I am glad we decided to skip out on HSG this month. My student loans have decided to go out of deferment and now battling with them trying to get them deferred so I don't have to pay on them for 2 months before I start school again. And THEN learned that one I can't deffer for longer than 5 years. And guess what? This coming April will be 5 years. So in the midst of school and working less I will have to figure out how to budget another 100 in for student loans. Joy.

Our dog also hurt his back. Or that is the conclusion for now. He is eating still when I put wet food mixed in with his dry, and I watched to make sure he did his business this morning (#2). But I am still nervous and worried about my boy. He is so not himself. He is sad and depressed looking, and just lays there. We spent 150 on updating his vaccines and different sort of medicines. We have anti-yeast, anti-inflammatory, steroid, and a muscle relaxant. We also need to still buy a powder to sprinkle on his hot spots, which freaked me out a little bit when doctor said they are like small staph infections. And we are taking him to get his teeth cleaned at the end of this month. His gums are inflamed and he has major tartar build up. I feel like a bad mommy for not noticing. So the 30th they will put him under and do the cleaning.

Poor guy. He is our baby, and I just want him better! For now we have to carry him up/down stairs and are not allowing him on furniture for fear of him jumping off and hurting himself. At night we are putting him in his kennel instead of in the room with us. Which he doesn't seem to mind too much because that is where he is sleeping at the moment.

While at the vet I decided to get a quote to update the cats vaccines and such. I told James we need to keep up on that stuff before I will allow us to get a puppy. So he is gung ho for doing it now, if only we had the pellet stove installed already...then I would say yes. We still need to get our furnace checked over, pellet stove installed, and fuel oil filled for just in case. And so far this month we have spent the money that would have filled the fuel oil tank on much needed glasses for James (his glasses are so scratched he is getting headaches and having a hard time seeing at night...which isn't good because he drives home at 1am) and the vet. Oh well, God will provide....right? *sigh*

Because of money I picked up Thanksgiving night. I wouldn't have money to go shopping this year on Black Friday anyways, so might as well have a bigger pay check. Have I mentioned it is 6 days til my birthday too, and not even sure we will have the $ to celebrate that. Feeling like whoop di freakin' doo. I will be 24. 24 and dreaming of being a Mom. Hopefully my 24th year will bring better things to me than my 23rd.

Cheers! (notice sarcasm).

Sorry I am a downer.

I will be back to my normal not so blue self soon, hopefully.

Fill Me Up

Last night was a wonderful night, even in the midst of this heatwave in MI. My sister, her boyfriend, my best friend, her sister, and Jack Jack went swimming last night. And the water was warm. It was FABULOUS. We finished it off with a ridiculous game of trivial pursuit. And then we busted out Fact or Crap. Both games were found today at Goodwill for $2 each. Pretty darn good deal if you ask me!

Today we woke up at 1 though, and James usually leaves for work around 1-130. So we had a half hour together this morning. We filled it up with a co-effort of packing his lunch, eggs & toast, with a dessert of Neapolitan ice cream. It's now 2, and I have to leave around 5 for class. So onto making a works cited page.

Yet, that's not my issue today. I am just feeling blah. The Talk was on I couldn't help but be annoyed with the gossiping woman. I switched it to country videos, maybe my mood will get better...There is just this feeling of anxiety welling up inside of my chest. Blame our finances. The fact that I'm anxious to get to see two pink lines, so that I will have conceived within the year mark. The fact that I know that I have three weeks of class left filled with annotated bib, a 7 page paper, and a crazy work week.

I cannot help but wonder if I am truly depressed. Yet, I am not like what I was my junior year in high school. Maybe I'm just blue. Either way, I think I need some sunshine and a summertime instead of zombie mode due to working third. I need to stop being consumed by ttc. Yet, you tell me how this can be when trying? And how do you stop trying after you have started? Especially if you know you can't just relax and try, because if you don't know when you ovulated, or if you even ovulated. Then you don't know when to test. You don't know if you have a reason for being late. And it drives you buggy. Makes you think this one is another loss, even if it was just a late ovulation cycle. And you cannot forget that you are trying when you are taking so many extra pills to supplement your body with the extra nutrition that it needs to hold a pregnancy. And to top it off, trying to forget your cycle would work out poorly for those with clotting disorders. I know of two women that really didn't know they were pregnant until they were out of their first trimester.

OUT of their first trimester. To be so blessed. But the fact is, I have to be on blood thinners. And most likely progesterone. So if I was able to forget about my dates...I wouldn't have to worry about being out of my first trimester. Because it simply wouldn't happen. And to be honest, after 3 losses...the thought of me screwing up a potentially healthy pregnancy is enough to make me feel crazy. So when we stop ttc, there is no relaxing. It switches over to trying NOT  to conceive. Which means condoms instead of pre-seed. It means no more writing to my online friends on threads. It means going crazy when I'm late because holy crap what if I am pregnant?!? And if it happened I would feel blessed, but the fact is...if you know when not to have sex that shouldn't be an issue. Yet, with PCOS my cycles could go crazy crazier.

Do you understand my babbling? If you have walked these shoes of trying to make a baby unsuccessfully I am sure you do. If not, it may be hard to understand this rocky path.

So what I am asking, God, is that you would fill me up. Either help me to conceive a healthy pregnancy or give my husband and I the peace to not try. And the ability to accept the later if that is what you wish. I am clinging to this hope, this dream that everything will work out if we get pregnant. If we are able to have a baby. That finances, time, and life will fall into place. That things will work out. Yet, with my losses I know that dreams don't work out as planned, quite often to be honest. Calm my anxious heart. Speak to me: to Clomid? Or not to Clomid? To try herbal supplements? Or to trade them in for condoms? I haven't been good to you lately. Prayer is only when I'm feeling down, very rarely praise prayers. My Bible is starting to have a film of dust on it. And I do not look forward to church on Sundays. I am feeling down God. Yet, still in those moments in between I haven't grabbed a hold of you. I haven't clung tight like I have in the past.

You have been low on my priority list. And I know it needs to change. So here I am asking for a fire in my chest, a passion that will only be quenched by diving deeper into a relationship with you. I feel like David, lost in the desert. Like Job. I'm not cursing you God. Maybe questioning you, but I still love you. Even in my speechlessness. I'm like a young teenager in a young woman's body when it comes to my Father in Heaven.

And I'll be honest, drinks have started to look more tempting. To go out to the bar, drinking and dancing. I didn't even do it much in the past. But I could go for it lately. I've resisted. The urge to drink away a night so it will be carefree does cross my mind at times. But I don't want to medicate, even a night, with booze. Maybe I need to pay for tanning, to feel better due to vitamin D, and feel better about myself because of the glow that occurs. Or better yet, maybe I just need to read my Bible more. *sigh*

I'm blue. But thinking a second pink line with be a great way to fill me up. As long as God is in it. It would be such a blessing, as long as I will have a better ending, instead of another sad day. To not have to pass another date where I should have been bringing a baby home. To be honest, that is my issue. To still not have a healthy baby growing inside of me. Yet to have to pass the time when your child should be in your arms. I am sad. I cry for my losses. Often. At least once a week. I am a naturally emotional person, but this is making me feel like a wimp. And then I feel bad for feeling that way. Because I should grieve the loss of my children and not feel bad about it.

Tragic Loss

Grand Rapids, MI. Maybe you have seen it on the news? Recently not for good either. A man shot 7 people. One was one of my best friend's friend and coworker. She is devastated by the news. Murder. Let alone a death of a friend, but to know that it was a planned death. That it wasn't an accident. The loss of a friend is bad enough, but to add to it more intense grief and anger towards the man who shot all those people...my heart cries out for her. She came over and cried a few tears. Then we watched multiple episodes of the second season of House.

She is one to cover up her emotions. I worry about her. It was a good step that she came over. But sometimes I think I talk too much, and do not allow her time to open up when she needs too. Be praying for her. For her to lean on God more and less on the world. That she would find peace that passes all circumstances. That she would use this experience as a springing board to tell more of her friends about Jesus, so that when they die she doesn't have that nagging question digging at your heart about whether or not you will see them in Heaven. My goal this week? To tell someone about Jesus. Even if it is my mom and sister again, no matter how subtle.

I'm Slipping...

I’m Slipping...
Holding on to ridged rock,
Sweat drips into my eyes.

I’m Screaming Aloud.
Strong screams of angst.
Frustration makes itself known: I Hate You!!

I’m Holding on.
The rocks dig deeper.
My nails start to peel.

I’m Screaming Again.
Inward screams of pain
Blinding me with hurt.

I’m Flailing
In the air, my legs dangle.
I Scream!

I’m contemplating
Just letting Go.
Look at that rocky abyss beneath.

I’m letting go
It’s up to fate.
A breath of revelation!

I’m being Pulled
My hand lies in a shadow--
A girl’s lost hope.

I’m Crying Shattering Tears
Once more, numbing the pain
Never allowing the needed release.

This girl peers into my eyes.
Wipes my tears dry,
She grabs my hand tenderly.

She whispers silently to me
Leads me into the night
And slowly lets us melt back into one.

*********

It is a time when my above poem is how my heart is feeling once again. I'm on the slippery slope of depression. I have no time with my husband. Except when I give up sleep. I get one weekend off a month, and they are always booked. I want time to just be. Just be a normal person. A wife. A friend. Me. Instead, my days off are filled with loneliness, house work, and such. 

Face it. I'm depressed. I can't get enough to sleep. I am starting to hate my body more and more each month. And my feelings towards James aren't all rainbows and butterflies either. His weekends off I have to work, and I know he wants to spend time with friends. But I hate that I feel as if I am fighting for his attention. And his theory is for me to find a new job, that there is nothing he can do to fix it. That he will quit playing drums for worship. That he won't play volleyball after church on Sundays.  Replies that I don't spend time with him during the week before he goes to work. *()$&Q^!&*(#$ An hour, that's all I asked for on the weekends. An hour where it is just us at home. An hour that he thinks he has to give up everything to be able to spend that hour together. I would love to be able to have a hug and kiss before leaving for work. Help packing my lunch like I have done for him the past five years. Yet, I leave the house every night lately with it being alone. Making me feel more alone.

Life is HARD at the moment. And I feel like I am slipping off the rock of life. And ready to fall into the abyss below. Should I be grateful that I have a job? Yes. A good paying job? Yes. But at the moment the thankfulness is not abounding. The little saying, "In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God. In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God. In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God, Christ Jesus concerning you." Runs through my head. But it does nothing for me at the moment. I picked up this coming weekend to be able to have more in savings and pay off more debt so we can go on our vacation in September, but what happens if I lose my sanity before September? 

I know life isn't all about happiness. That God does not promise happiness. But everything is so hard lately. Maybe I'm a wimp. But, for once in my little life I would love to not have to struggle through life. I feel as if I am drowning. Struggling to tread the water just to keep my head above the waves. And who will be there to pull me up? Christ? Even though I am struggling with him lately? 

I need to try to get more sleep. My eyes hurt. My cheeks are stained with tears. My heart is aching. I have cramps. I am a big crazy ball of emotions. I need a vacation. I need a break from reality and life.

Realization: Sadness

Ok I can't help but be a little sad. I did the math and I would have been 28 weeks with my first child, and 24 give or take a week with our second loss. I want a belly that is round from baby. Have to remind myself today, God shapes us all in different ways. Some get blessed with (many) children quickly, others (like me) have to wait or experience loss (or both) before they get to hold a child in their arms.

Last night out of my stretch of 7 days in a row, and boy am I ready.

Jess

Lab Work in Mail

The lab tests that I have to have done came in the mail today. A total of 10 things. TEN. Nine of which are for clotting disorders and one that is for autoimmune disease. I was excited to see it n mail, and then up in the area for testing it said, "recurrent pg loss" oh boy. Heart sank. Reminding me of why I am going through all of this. I was on such a high yesterday, and today feel like I am starting to sink again. I figured it out. Today with first baby I would have been 17 weeks, and with the second baby I would have been 11. My heart is achy with all the pregnant women around me. I have to remind myself that it's not that I'm not excited for them, but my heart is sad. And a little jealous. To be honest, really jealous. How is it that this joy had to be taken away twice? I am diligent about prenatal vitamins, fish oil pills, take a b-12 super complex (with additional folic acid and vitamin C) and when trying to conceive avoid caffeine. Seriously? Ahhhh, have to remember that this is the way God is choosing to shape my life. Other women later have to deal with effects of abortion or with being surprised by an unexpected pregnancy. I will be stronger, filled with more faith, and delight in everything when it comes to my future children.

It amazes me after writing yesterday, "I love those moments when surrounded with feelings of sadness God sweeps in, a galliant knight, rescuing you from these vast feelings of anguish. Quenching the mass of those ill feelings with peace that surpasses all understanding, and a ray of hope that lights up your soul." that my heart can be where it is today. Need to focus on blessings: house is coming soon, get to set up interview for a job, have a warm home to sleep in, and know I can get pregnant. *sigh* Lord, lift me up out of this puddle that feels like a pit at a moment.

Devestated Dreams

Thursday I got news my progesterone was 9.7. Read online it should have been at least a 20. I was on these peach colored balls that looked like candy, but were really artificial hormones to try and help me keep the baby. I had hope, found out low progesterone causes cramping. Then I got the call about my HCG at 4pm on Friday while at work. I walked to the edge of the playground to answer. My HCG levels dropped. My heart sank. Back down to a 104, devastating me with the news that my baby is miscarrying and it is either an ectopic or normal, HCG levels Sunday will let us know for sure. They will call me on Monday to let me know. When I got the call at work, the world seemed to stop. All except for the kids around me asking me why I was sad, or why I was “like that.” In tears I finished helping kids take off their coats before my boss let me leave. 

I don’t know if I have ever cried so much in my life. My heart is so heavy. I went to Jenny’s after work. Cried some more, then decided that I wanted food, didn’t eat much though. I feel so empty. James said last night he is angry, but I’m not angry…just so sad. I know this is part of a bigger picture that I don’t comprehend. At the moment I have some cramping on my left side. I’m listening to music that God has definitely placed in my lap and has helped me to see a different meaning. Trying to decide if it’s better to fake a smile or shed more tears. 

A friend is helping me through this, and I don’t know what I would do without her. She reminded me last night that our babies are in heaven together. What a beautiful picture in a sad moment. At the moment my dreams are broken of having a child to hold, but we will try again and someday I will get to hold the little one that once grew inside of me.