Waiting is the Worst.

Waiting for the beta results was bad.
Waiting for the day for the second beta results was worse.
But waiting to miscarry is the freaking worst.

I am now currently a day late for my period. I guess I shouldn't test early any more because my theory I had in my head of the pregnancy working the sooner we had a positive and the sooner I started lovenox and such is a bust.

Though, how many of you (if any) start lovenox in the 2ww? Or start progesterone in the 2ww as well? Because that would be my next step.

Well that and IUI which we dont really have the money for at the moment. I would love to do IUI with clomid and trigger shot, because it would give me more eggs to choose from. Screw the probability of UU because honestly 24% of losses are in first try...I have lost FIVE in the first tri...actually the first 2 freaking months.

I am angry and ready for my body to do something right for once.

I dont even know HOW I managed to get pregnant this month with the lack of sexual activity lol. Or honestly when I ovulated because I thought I did earlier in the month and then got the same symptoms like a little over a week later. So who flipping knows.

And besides that....WHY let me get pregnant if I am going to just lose again? False freaking hope God...false hope. I clung to you this time. Outwardly I act like I was expecting another loss, but inwardly...I thought this was it. I clung to you and I feel like you dropped the ball AGAIN! I am a little upset with you, but I still love you. I am beyond pissed that this has to happen again and again. But am trying to find ways to feel blessed still. Infertility is a huge messy ball of emotions and I dont know why you allow it to be active in this world for those that would make wonderful mothers, and those that are shitty mothers you allow children easily. Many of them us infertiles end up parenting. Why not just let us have our own babies? Let us experience the miracle of pregnancy. Let us see our bellies expand and grow and be tickled and kicked from the inside. It isnt far God. I know one day I will be a mom, in fact I am a mom to five little babies already in your kingdom...and I hope they are enjoying being with you. But it sucks down here without them. 19 months of trying to conceive God. NINETEEN! It seems like forever to me know, please dont let it eventually feel like a short time. Please God! You know James and my heart for children. Please bless us with a healthy pregnancy. With babies and eventually adoption and foster parenting.

I am waiting on you God, and it definitely isnt easy. And I am worshiping while I wait, but it doesnt mean I wont be angry and upset with the choice you have made. I cannot wait to hold my babies, and honestly my heart feels more and more missing with every loss. Every time it pulls a chunk out of my heart. But I love you with all I have and all I can.

And yes, I did just shed my first tears over this loss. I am not as strong as I seem. I am just numb. Five losses at the age of 24. What the heck are you thinking Lord?

Are we supposed to forget getting pregnant and skip right to adoption? Is that your plan for us? Because if it is...be prepared for a bitter period of time once more. I know being a mom is the ultimate ultimate goal....and I plan on adopting at least 2 children...but I. Want. To. Experience. Pregnancy. With. A. Healthy. Baby. Period. I just wish my wants would line up for what you want for me.