My Heart

...it hurts. I really thought this would finally be it. Instead of getting good news today I am experiencing sadness and more tears as I wait to start bleeding.

Life isnt fair people.
Infertility isnt fair.
Pregnancy loss isnt fair.

I dont get God's plan in all of this.

But I kind of got a glimpse of it this morning.

I was talking to Him. Laying in bed, tear stained cheeks and I just said basically said, "I don't get this Lord. I still love you."

"I had to see how you were going to handle it."

And it made me cry. Because I was so far from God not that long ago. Bitter and Sad. I almost stopped believing. Period.

I won't let that divide happen this time. I just feel a glimpse of what Job felt. "The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; but blessed be the Lord."

God wants to make me strong when I am weak. He wants me to lean fully on him through this. And the thing is...I did the most this cycle out of ALL of them thus far. And I thought this one was it.

So now I am in a place...where no we probably won't do IUI because what is the point? I get pregnant every 3-5 months. With the same outcome every time. So why waste out money and time.

James wants us to wait until I have my LPN anyways. So if you know me it is hard being in the NT/NP point, and I cannot imagine doing it for another year. So birth control floats to the front of my mind.

As does giving up. And just starting foster care/adoption process.

Giving up. Yes my friends, 19 months in and I am ready to throw in the towel and just say screw it.

But I won't. And I won't go on birth control. I will have to go with a WTF mentality a blogger friend posted about....Wipe Then Flush. Imediately. No examining for fertile fluid. Not testing until I reach a 35 day cycle. Because earlier intervention doesnt change the outcome. God could have, but didnt. But he can choose to in the future.

Until then, I am D.O.N.E. waisting money on ttc. No more pregnancy tests. No OPKs. No REs for the next year.

But I will tell you something, I am going to look good not ttc. Down 13-14 lbs. 194.8 from 208. I am going to be out of the 190s by the end of the month. And shooting for 180s to be nearing to an end in April.

Then where? A pound a week goal until I reach where I am comfortable and healthy. My BMI is 31.5. I want to be in a healthy range. Which means 150 here I come. 58lbs is my ultimate goal. That is crazy to say. 30% weight loss almost.

And guess what? If I can endure infertility and loss I can edure the "long" journey of weight loss. By this time next year I WILL be in the 150s, as long as God hasn't decided to bless me with a healthy pregnancy by then. It will be tough, but I am a tough cookie. And honestly, losing 13lbs already, I only have 45 to go in 52 weeks. Doable if you ask me.

I was joking with my husband, he has lost 15 lbs or something...me? 13. I told him I can lose weight like a man! lol No joke though, when I put my mind to it...it does seem to melt off like weight does for a man.

I cannot control ttc or the outcome of pregnancy. But I can control my weight and keep my eyes on Jesus. One way or another He will bless me this year. Either with extensive weight loss or a healthy pregnancy (finally). I will celebrate over either.