Pain

My heart hurts.
These cramps hurt....in lower abdomen and lower back.

I dont want to take ibuprofen because the pain feels how my heart feels, I dont want to pretend it never happened. But I hate the reminder...

TMI but I am wearing pads, because with first and second loss they told me to avoid tampons...so I am following suit this time around. And friends, I hate pads, especially when up moving around. And what I hate even worse is sitting on the toilet having cramps, a sudden pain in cervix and then getting to experience nasty freaking clots every time I go potty. It is digusting and pisses me off. I just want a healthy pregnancy.

It is a miracle that all of us ttc have the ability to face another day, another cycle, another loss while still clinging to God and hope.

Today the Bible verse on my phone is from Proverbs (16:3 maybe?) And says something along the line of, Commit your work to the Lord and your plans will be accomplished.

So, I am going to focus on that. It is entirely up to God when we willl have a healthy pregnancy, when we will see another positive test. And when my actions to help lose weight will show up on the scale.

Tonight I will post on Sunday's church service and how it got to me.

I am struggling today, wishing I could have a day to curl up in bed all day and just cry. But I have to go on as nothing has happened because school is so demanding. First Simulation is today. Blah.