Struggle

There is a struggle in my soul.
One of doubt.
Of consequences, cause and effect.
Regret.

How to push forward.
To make the right choice.
To know what is the right path.
To find God's truth.
And freedom.

To find God.
To hear His quiet answer.
From the blatant NO to the quiet yes
From the loud yes, to the questioning no.

How do I move forward?
How do I hear his call?
His answer?
How do I trust him...
when I don't even trust myself?
---------------------------------------

My struggles are do I push forward with trying for children? Or do I accept that now isn't God's timing?

Do I believe that God wants us to keep trying or that I am just envious and craving after what others have?

Or do I believe that the devil wants us to stop because we will make great parents? What do I believe? Because how I believe, what question I answer with yes dictates our forward move.

Further yet, do I sign for the full time third shift position? 10 days in 2 weeks. Set schedule. But what about if I get into nursing school? Do I pass it up? What if I don't get in and kick myself for not signing? Ugh. I hate this. Hate the debate and self doubt I have.

And still no AF still BFN.

Lost in Thought

Hope feels dangerous to me. Allowing myself to hope means I might be broken again. Being discouraged is far less risky. It's a miserable place, but it feels safer than climbing the mountains of hope. It doesn't take any faith to be discouraged. I can do it effortlessly. Having hope requires emotional effort. It requires me to believe in my God, to believe so fully that I let go of the reigns and allow God to handle the ride.

~ Jennifer Miller 

 

I have shared that quote before. And I find myself in the same place. Expecting AF with a little desperation, but it is sugarcoated with hope. Even if I say I have none...I do. Even if I say I don't think about AF not coming...I do. I do think about it. I have hope, but a hope that often times lets me down.

Today I am hopeful but not placing my happiness in the hope. I am exhausted and about to lay down for a nap.

I will not mention that I am tired in spite of sleeping for 7 hours. That I have cramps and no spotting (even near cervix...). That James has mentioned that my boobies still look bigger, and commented on how tired I am. Or how every "symptom" I have has over 50% of people had on my dpo while being pregnant on countdowntopregnancy.com.

I will not mention the fact that if AF comes I will be on Clomid on our vacation. Or that if it is going to come I hope it is now and not later so we can actually enjoy each other on our vaca, without thoughts of timing it right being of concern. Or worse if it comes late I could have AF when on vaca...ugh. OR worse yet...if I am pregnant the dreaded sixth week will be when we will be away. 

♥ Jess 

Keep me in your thoughts. I am going crazy...and to bed, like now because I am exhausted....zzzzzzz

Coincidence?

This is crazy. I was googling to see if Clomid could make my luteal phase longer than what it is now. Second entry I looked at was a woman that normally has 14 day LP. On Clomid she said it went up to 16-18 days. Good news? She got pregnant on Clomid. And the baby's name was Olivia Faith. Olivia Faith....the name that I have been favoring. I am taking it as a good sign. I don't believe in coincidence or superstitions (though at times superstitions do get to me...).

So maybe we will be getting our BFP some time soon. I am hopeful. But if I have to wait three more days to see AF and sit in limbo I might go crazy.

I have cramps. Boobies are still a little sore...but not getting worse. Therefore I have to believe that AF will be here within the next couple of days.

On a good note, I went to Walmart today with the intent of buying a two pack of first response pregnancy tests. What did I find? A two pack with one free test. SO I got three tests for the price of two. AND I printed off the $2 coupon from their website. So instead of spending the normal $12-13 that three tests would cost, I spent less than $7. How awesome is that?

But...I did take one of those tests just to see one little pink line. So I am fairly confident I am done this cycle. If the cycle in June showed positive when the next day's blood work said 4.9 I am pretty confident that I am done. And ready to move on. Poor James though, I have to be on clomid during our vacation. Meaning hot flashes and headaches. And potential moodiness. Oh well...we will still have a good vacation. Baby or Bring on the Baby medicine.

Did I mention that the Baby Olivia Faith I saw was born in October...so I think that we will know we are pregnant by October (could be wishful thinking...but I am praying that it will be next cycle!!).

Also, the house episode that I am watching is the one where the woman is pregnant and 21 weeks. Things are going horrible with mom and baby. They choose to do a fetal exploratory surgery. They cut the mother's womb open and House gets to see the little baby's hand move on his finger. The most precious thing ever. I cannot wait to see my child on an ultrasound dance around on the screen. And later hold onto my precious baby after delivery. It will be amazing.

♥ Jess

No spotting

I have to be honest, it has been wonderful to not spot from 9-10dpo until period comes. But at the same time it makes me so hopeful for pregnancy.

At least I ovulated on Clomid, right? 2 more tries. 2 more chances for pregnancy. Period is due tomorrow, feeling cramps again today. Sore bbs. Finally poohed lol (sorry TMI I know...) and tummy has been feeling kinda queasy off and on. Idk what to think.

Or even if I should think at all.

Internet cheapies are all BFN. I plan on buying first response later today or tomorrow. But for now I am going to focus on laundry, dishes, watching Aladdin with my sister, and making food for James to take to work. Trying to not think about what is going on in my uterus at this moment in time.
And it is darn hard.

♥ Jess

P.S. sorry if you had a hard time finding me. I noticed on my stats readership is down.

Changed URL, soon more Changes?

Hi guys, I did change my URL I hope you figured it out....when I did guess what the captcha read? bless

bless

Am I blessed? Will I be blessed?

Am I pregnant and haven't had a positive test yet?

Will I be pregnant next month?

I have cramps. Feeling like AF cramps.I took a nap, a 2 hour nap. I had 6 hours of sleep last night, which is my normal. So I can say that I am fatigued.  Ta-tas still hurt.

I am trying to not think about it, but failing miserably. I am doing laundry. On load 3, and in need of doing 2 more. I need to do dishes. I am watching House while doing all of this. Then I have plans tonight, hanging out with my sister and Jenny.

What else do I need to do? I truly need to work on James's resume. He is planning on applying for a new job. The problem? His old resume is MIA, lost on a flash drive. Might be on MIL's computer still...so after this episode that is my next stop. I hope God blesses us with that job, if it is what is meant to be. It is the job he wanted before he took the position at the feed mill. If he was given the other job, he would have first shift. Now, not having to wait until next July. He would get a pay raise, instead of having to wait until February (and getting a much lower pay raise). He would still have good benefits. He would be away from the grain dust. He would be active instead of sitting in front of a computer, he would be outside, instead of in an office. He would be less miserable with life because he wouldn't be on second shift. But guess what? This brings about more waiting. And possibly guilt because the busy season is coming up at work. Nothing is ever perfect in our eyes, but it always happens to fit into God's plan...even if we never understand it.

Because we could get pregnant. We could have a baby. I would be blessed to be a mommy. James would be blessed to be a Daddy. Money would be tight, but emotionally we would be relaxed because the stress of TTC would be gone. But we could potentially be stressed, if I get into school, if money is really tight, if life is hectic. But isn't life just like that now? without a baby in the mix? I would rather the stress come from finally having a little one and having prayers answered instead of it coming from being in limbo while waiting for prayers to be answered. If James got this other job, the pay raise would help (exponentially). I have faith, things will work out. I just wish my timeline was the same as God's. But it hasn't matched up thus far...so who knows for sure when it will?

Praying for good news soon. For blessings. For answered prayers. For hope to swell up within all of us.
Praying, and hoping. And waiting.
♥ Jess

On my way...

...to the dentist this morning.
...to running out of pregnancy tests.
...to going crazy from seeing BFN instead of 2 pink lines.
...with constipation and bloating.
...with sore boobies and cramping.
...with the knowledge that most likely AF will be here Wednesday.
...with the knowledge that Clomid is evil for the 2ww.
...with the resignation that we will have to use it again next, onto.
....with the thoughts of trying conceive plus and the instead cups.

I am running late and feeling annoyed with my body. Let me get pregnant with my rainbow take home baby already!! (And to not be constipated would be nice...)

Another Negative

BFN again this morning 11dpo. I have a dentist appointment Monday and I haven't been in awhile so I know they are going to want X-rays. So I kind of need to know by then so I can say yay or nay to the dr man.

I have a feeling I will be saying, go ahead. AF is due Tues or Wednesday. If Wednesday comes and the lady in red is Mia and internet cheapies are still negative then I am buying a first response.

Symptoms are the same, with nausea again this morning. Praying is all I can do, I am not in control.

Little celebrations

In the midst of this horrid 2ww I have had a few (tiny) celebrations. First of all for half of the day the scale said I weighed less than 200. Too bad it now says 201.6 instead of 199.4

Then I got to go home early tonight. At 12:30 instead of 6:30. Wooohooo. Which means I will sleep like a normal person (yes, I am tired still...and I have a headache still.). Which means I will get a chance to test with more than 4 hour hold! YAY!

On the headache....it wouldn't go away. I thought it was sleeplessness so I tried sleeping. Fail. I thought maybe it was dehydration...drank LOTS of water (which could now make my urine too diluted for hcg). But fail...headache stayed. So I took Tylenol. Headache wouldn't disappear. So I ate a yogurt. Still headache. Then ate half of my lunch headache. Headache stayed. Went home, lights bothered my head. Ate the rest of lunch. And guess what? I still have a headache.

I have a headache, but at least I am home. And watching house season 3.

♥ Jess

Imaginary Symptoms?

Can you make yourself think you have symptoms when you don't? The only reason I am pondering this is because this morning before eating breakfast I felt nauseated. Then I ate a granola bar and a cheese stick (we are out of eggs and milk). It passed.

I took a nap and then woke up kind of hungry. Was going to eat a smart one when I noticed my sister left pizza rolls...nom nom nom...So I ate them. And ice cream. 2 things that have never given me a tummy ache. (Healthy I know...at least it was low fat ice cream...) but now I feel like I could puke. Things smell funky too (did I mention my pee still is super smelly to me? Gross...)

So here I am lost in the 2ww. Am I pregnant, or am I a psycho TTC-er on her first month of Clomid with false hope?

Another peculiarity...I looked at how people are reaching my blog and it says, "Letters from my Heart blog" 4. 4 searches. I looked it up on google, page 15 it still hadn't come up. Thinking this weekend blog will be updated.

Anyways, I have to work tonight and Saturday. Then Sunday is nursery (probably my last time...have to put in resignation) and a bonfire in the evening. Busy weekend. James is going to a wedding Saturday, but I think I will probably sleep. Idk for sure yet...anywhoo I need to get groceries. And enough gas to hold me off til Wednesday. Budget it tight this month. We really need to get back to tithing. We really need to get back to going to a church. And reading our Bibles.

*Sigh*....

Isaiah 43:2, “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.”

2 Corininthians 4:9 "persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."

I am trying to feel this way. But I am feeling like I am starting to drowned. Another BFN this morning. And another pregnancy announcement. Trying not to feel bitter and forgotten by God. But seriously struggling. She started trying this summer and is now 11 weeks. 3 months...she probably got pregnant first try. And it is not like she will not be a good mother. She will. I just wish God would share the wealth.

And I have been trying for 13 months now. Have had 3 losses, and still waiting for my rainbow baby.


I am at the point of this cycle that I do not want to have hope because if AF comes it will only bring that much more disappointment and sadness.


I am sick of staring at pregnancy tests that I have pissed on to see if there could possibly be a second line. I am tired of spending money on ovulation predictor and pregnancy tests. I am sick of this TTC mode. But not sick enough that I can stop. How sad is that? I am tired and weary but will press on. Because the joy of one day getting pregnant far surpasses the depressed thoughts and feelings I have at the moment. The pain in the moment sucks, but it will truly make the day when I have a BFP that leads to having a child that much better.


I am weary. I am struck down, but not destroyed. I may bend, but I will not break. My heart is breaking but I am still here. I am losing my footing, but there is still ground to break my fall if I do fall.


I have cramps. Boobs hurt. I'm emotional. Ready for a BFP or AF to be here. Sick of this crap.

Last Day

Of this treatment for BV (thank goodness!)  I am so ready to be done with it.

I worked a double...exhausting. 16 hours in one day in ludicrous, but doable for the money. Hoping for a couple more opportunities so we can have the money for vacation.

Symptoms? Cramps. Tender tummy due to bloating I think. Sore boobies. Tired (duh I worked a bunch). Emotional. Did I mention bloated? It is worst it has been since I can remember. But still BFN 9dpo today, will test in the AM. *sigh* ready to see second pink line again...

For now? Sweet dreams.
Jess

Cool Video

Isn't our God amazing...? Crazy to think that our babies grow from on sperm and one egg into a little being.

God bless all of us women on this ttc journey!

Staying

I am staying. If I choose to change my url that will be the biggest switch I will make.

I do have to tell you I tested again...thought I saw something...stupid ghost line again. No color.

Symptoms - holy hurting boobies. Worse than they have ever been today. TIREDNESS - I took two naps at work (on my breaks! lol) and still felt like a walking zombie. Seems that strong smelling urine has passed (thank goodness, I couldn't take it...it made me feel sick!). This morning when I hadn't ate I felt a little nauseous, but that has passed. I do have some cramping, and feel major bloated (thinking I look bloated too...not fun). Today my husband told me my boobs look, and I quote..."Puffy" I think what he means is they look swollen/bigger. I think I noticed a darker areola (was one of first things I noticed with second pregnancy...) but he didn't say anything about that...just the size.

AF is due the 30th. So I am 6 days before she expected to make her dreaded entrance.

On a side note - I exercised with James yesterday and we are both stinking sore. Got to love lunges and squats! lol Thinking about some yoga today to help stretch these achey muscles. When exercising James called me a wussy for going easier than I normally would (but I was watching my heart rate!! I didn't want it to get too high...)

Anyways, I hope all of you ladies have a wonderful day. Be looking for another update tomorrow. And a story of a fun board game everyone should own! (Along with some quite humorous stories...tehe)

♥ Jess

My Debate & Update on ME.

Do I move? Or do I just stay here and continue to be honest with myself and my emotions? I can leave negativity towards the one who was reading without my knowledge out. Yet, then there is my privacy. Here is the place I spew my every emotion. Good, bad, and ugly. Yes it is for the world to see. The world of those who choose to read it because they have compassion and understanding of the infertile woman. Because they have walked her shoes, because they know someone close to them that goes through these emotions, or simply because they cannot imagine such a thing happening to them. Maybe they are beginning their ttc journey and want to be prepared for what can happen. Maybe they experienced an unfortunate loss. Either way they know the roller coaster of emotions that life can have.

Do I switch locations and stop writing for my current readers? Do I lose the companionship that I have. Knowing that blogs like The Angry Uterus, I think it is time, Life's a Dance, My Journey Through TTC...So Far, and The Pursuit of Pregnancy are written by amazing women that have walked beside me in this time of uncertainty and uneven footing? And what about those in real life that I did chose to share it with? One friend that has lost a baby. Friends that have been there for me, and that I bare my heart to every day. Ones that were there to hold me up when I miscarried. That saw the raw emotion of tears that wouldn't stop coming. That saw the pain on my face as I took cytotec and knew the pain in my heart as I took the pill that would abort my child because God decided it was time for them to come home.

Did I want family to read this blog? Only one, my sister. It is how I told her about my miscarriage. And keep her informed when she is in school and we both have wacky schedules. Because truth is, I miss her when we don't see each other or make time to speak at least once a week. Though, other than that, did I want family to read this? Absolutely not. This is the place I was going to share my excitement of any future BFP before we told family. At least I wanted that to be an option.

This is the place I talk about disgusting things like BV and cervical fluid. When we BD. When I ovulate. When I have different blood tests. A place that when I get emotions too raw to keep inside I am able to spew all emotions onto the screen. I thought this was a place where I could write to my hearts content about the messy journey through ttc, miscarriage, and infertility and one day move onto a pregnancy blog with all things personal posted without fear of being judged or viewed as overly harsh and cynical.

Should I keep negative opinions to myself. Probably. Am I human? Absolutely. Unchristian? I love God but I still fall down. Yes, I spew venom at times. But Jesus knew it would be hard to tame the tongue. Yes, I struggle with jealousy, with envy, with unforgiving grudges. I work on it. There are days that it is going to seem like I am not. There are days when I feel like I do not want to. I am a sinner. I overeat, I sometimes judge those who drink vicariously into a drunken stupor. I am lazy with the body God gave me. I go in spurts of not reading my Bible. Currently I do not have a Church that I would call my home. I am working on it. But, anyone that sins knows that it is a slippery slope.

Guess what else? I will listen. Even when I get annoyed. Especially if it isn't a place where I can tell you what is on my mind. To be honest it is because in the past I have avoided confrontation. It is a fault of mine. One that I will be working on in the future. Confronting people with love. That is what my devotion today was about. That you do not truly love the people you do not confront. Or those that you confront in anger. 

Yet my main question is, what is the point of not letting me know you are following? What is the point of following a blog if you are not going to comment at least ONCE on the person's blog? Or if you know me in real life but stumble upon it....why not tell me in a comment? I have it so anyone can post a comment for that reason. 

For now, I do have another blog set up. But I do not know if this blog or that one I created yesterday will be deleted from cyberspace.

That is it for today on that subject. 

But what about MY Update? The doctor said that the elevated glucose could be a sign of a diabetic issue. Therefore within the next week and a half I will have a repeat glucose test done. If I have conceived it will be the same as the one that is done at the 20 week mark. If I haven't conceived it will be a little different. Praying for the tests to be done in my prenatal labs.

Symptoms? Strong smelling urine (even though I have drank TONS of water..could be a side effect of pregnancy or of BV --which should be cured by now even though I am on day 5 of 7). Sore boobies (the cat put her paw on them and I wanted to rip her paw off...AND I have to wear a sports bra instead of going aue natural while sleeping or upon rising. Nips only hurt when touched). Bigger ta-tas. (For real. I thought I noticed it, then James did.) Frequent Urination (could be because I drank more water trying to get the smelly urine to go away! lol). Occasional cramping. Tiredness. HEADACHES. Pimples are clearing up.

Who knows? To be honest I took a test today at 7dpo. Stupid because I knew I would see a BFN. But with symptoms I am hopeful. I thought I saw a faint line, but I am sure it was just the evap line/collection site for the glorious second pink line. I mostly took it today because it is the one day that I will have for sure a 8 hour hold of urine in the early testing period.

I am sleepy. But I did exercise today with James, cook lunch, and get two loads of laundry done. Time to tackle dishes before showering before my nap.

Let me know what you all are thinking about this.
♥ Jess

Moving to New Location

...for privacy reasons. My blog has fallen upon eyes that I never intended. To avoid any further hurt feelings or invasion of my private thoughts I will be moving to a location I will not disclose on here. I will let you know within the next few days on how you will be able to receive the new address (if I chose to disclose...). Then there is a potential for me to delete this webpage from cyberspace. Permanently. Which makes me sad really.

The community of those trying to conceive in midst of infertility and loss is a huge asset to me. You all allow me to not feel crazy even when I am going off the deep end. You allow me to rant and rave without judging me too harshly, because you too have had your thoughts follow my path. You give me hope. And I would like to think I have done some of the same for you.

No, I am not perfect. Publicly or privately.

♥ Jess

Lab Results

Progesterone 17.39
TSH 1.31
Glucose 103
HDL 48
LDL 127
Cholesterol 191
Triglycerides 78

Progesterone = I ovulated! Not as high as I hoped (was hoping for above 20) but higher than any test before!

TSH = thyroid which is normal (update I looked at my past levels when drawn. It is 2 below last couple times. Though still in normal range, low levels of TSH can be caused by early pregnancy!! Trying to not keep my hopes TOO high! Aaaaahhh!! )

Glucose = uh oh....a little high. Anything between 65-99 at the lab is considered normal. I am prediabetic on this test! Yikes! No more candies for me. Could this be the cause of my headaches?

HDL = Good cholesterol (heroes!) Normal and only 12 away from being "optimal"

LDL = Bad cholesterol (Losers!) Normal but close to being high (ugh! Gotta love PCOS) good thing I decided no more McDonald's for me...

Cholesterol = eh...almost borderline high. need to get the LDL down...bring on the cheerios I guess...

Triglycerides = normal.

So that's that. Headache still here. I am gonna guzzle some water and take a Tylenol. Onwards to housework and possible exercising before going to pick up James's prescription and hanging out with my best friend and sisters =D

Keep me in your prayers! Only a few more days until my POAS (pee on a stick) obsession commences! Would LOVE to see TWO pink lines (dark preferably!)

♥ Jess

Headaches

I have had some major headaches this past week or so. And let me tell you, I am SICK of them. I will only deal with them without complaining if I find out I am indeed pregnant.

Headaches, sore ta-tas (and a little of the nips), some cramping, gas, emotional-ness, tiredness, and an adversion to certain foods. Seriously? This is more symptoms than I have had in awhile. But I could attribute it all to Clomid and the script to cure the BV probably.

I got my blood work done today. Curious to get the results. I got my progesterone, thyroid, cholesterol, and blood sugar tested. I fasted from 9pm last night until 10 when I got out of bed. I slept from about midnight-7 when I got up to pee, then again from 7-10. Basically...I slept A LOT. And then I woke up SUPER thirsty and not really too hungry (very surprising).

When I arrived at the lab I could tell I was in for the treat of waiting...and waiting I did. For 45 minutes before they called me into the back to draw my blood. And this isn't even the main campus for the blood draw. Blah. Took FOREVER. But they said if I call later this evening with my patient id number that I should be able to get all of my results (be looking for a post! =D).

If I don't have higher progesterone levels then I would like to know why the heck my boobies are sore just sitting here. I am only 6dpo and wishing I could test already...

Today's verse of the day in my email gave me hope! (And it should give you hope too...)

Romans 8:32 

 Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won't he also give us everything else?

God will bless us with a child (and you too!). He just makes no promises on how that baby will come. Be it a little one from China, a domestic adoption, an adopted foster child, or a baby from your own womb.  Or maybe for a family...all of the above.

What I am saying is...I am not loosing faith. I am keeping the hope alive (especially with headaches and sore boobies! :-P)

♥ Jess

Camping Expedition

First of all I have to tell you...it isn't James's family camping weekend without rain. And this weekend wasn't any exception. It down poured! But not on our parade. =)

We are spending tonight and then packing up tomorrow. I love camping but hate the packing and unpacking then packing again just to unpack (and wash things) when you get home.

The good: family time has been WONDERFUL! I love seeing the kids and all the siblings together.

The bad: mosquitoes!! (And rain...) they are HORRID!

The ugly: my emotions (and the cream to treat the bv is DISGUSTING!). I have been a ball of crazy inwardly. My nephew is growing up. It seriously made me tear up. Little niece who is one is getting too big too. She is so precious. And there I am...childless. talk about an inward pity party. Then my SIL invites people to come out....and I get annoyed because it is FAMILY time.

Oh, and she is also talking about trying OPKs because "their timing has to be off" Our timing has NEVER been off and 12 months later still no healthy pregnancy.

I'll be honest...I don't really want to be pregnant at the same time as her. BUT if that is what God has in plan...I will take it. As long as I get a healthy baby and not another loss. And to be honest...I really want to be pregnant before her. (God hear my cries).

Symptom spotting? Sore boobies. Headaches. Cramps. Emotional.

Anyways, I've got to go! Goodnight!

♥ Jess

Unsuspected...TMI warning

WARNING this contains TMI and makes me want to go between blushing admitting this and wanting to vomit.

WARNING: STOP reading right now if you do not want to be grossed out.

Bacterial Vaginosis - According to BabyCenter.com

What is bacterial vaginosis?

Bacterial vaginosis (commonly known as BV) is the most common vaginal infection in women of childbearing age. It's caused by an imbalance in the bacteria that live in your vagina. About 1 in 5 women have this infection at some point during pregnancy, though estimates vary widely.
Normally, "good" bacteria, called lactobacilli, are in the majority and keep other kinds of bacteria in check. You end up with BV when there are too few lactobacilli, allowing other bacteria to grow out of control. No one knows for sure what causes the balance of bacteria to change.

 Guess who has it? ME. me. And guess what, I hadn't really the slightest clue. She kind of warned me during my pap smear. When she asked me if my creamy white discharge was bothering me. Honestly, I thought that it was normal. It went between lotiony, creamy, sticky, and there were times where it was clear. Normal cycle, right? Obviously not so much. Which means WHO knows how long I have had it? Or maybe I just got it. I couldn't tell you. And guess what else, about half of women do not know they have it...so I guess I am not alone on this either (via Web MD).

Which means, if I have had it a long time there is a chance of PID. I do NOT need another obstacle standing in my way. Either way it is...

Gross. I gross myself OUT. DISGUSTING! I cannot believe I am admitting this here. I am going to pick up my "vaginal antibiotic cream" this evening. I have to use it for 7 days.

Gross.

Exercise does the Body Good!

I am feeling darn good! I did week 1 day 1 of Couch 2 5k yesterday. And today I made it (almost all the way) through my Biggest Loser Yoga DVD. I quit a little early because I want to be able to move tomorrow. And I want to be able to jog tomorrow (if there is time). Or maybe Saturday morning at camp!

Anyways...I am feeling good.

Symptom spotting? Really thirsty lately. But could be the added exercise. A little bit more CM then usual. Headaches. Boobies are starting to get a little achey...okay, they are starting to HURT. I am hopeful, but we shall see. I know that this could all be because of the extra progesterone that I am not used to (Thank you Clomid!). Only 3 more days until I find out if I ovulated well (I know I did! I have faith!!)

♥ Jess

Headache and Heart Rate

Well, I have a headache AGAIN! I will be okay with this if it is due to the excess progesterone from pregnancy. If it is just because Clomid has done its job producing a better egg I will be a little sad! =( But really, I have had a headache almost every day this week at some point during the day.

As for heart rate, since running it still isn't down to my normal resting heart rate (which has always been between 60 and 65). Currently it is 76. Which is still okay, but still not normal for me. Making me ponder...what is my body doing?!

I need to take a nap but exercise made me viciously awake. Alas, I still need to try *sigh* praying I wake up headache free!

Week 1 Day 1 of Couch to 5k

I did it! I got off my butt finally! =) I decided no more ignoring exercise because the "what if I am pregnant factor." Because I KNOW you aren't supposed to start vigorous exercise if pregnant. But honestly is the 2 weeks before ovulation enough time to ingrain a health habit? No. At least not for me.

So I am going to jog to my hearts content. And if I am pregnant, I can continue at the pace I was going, with a watch that will keep an eye on my pulse for me (not to go aboves 130 I believe). If not, I can be that much closer to jogging and not walking a 5k.

Today's goal was to warm up walk 5 min and then alternate between jogging 1 min and walking 1 min 30 seconds. With a total of 20 minutes. I arrived home 30 minutes after beginning my walk! =) I believe it was 2 miles I went. Now, I know a 15 min mile is excruciatingly slow, but I have to start somewhere.

Ultimate goal: run a 30 min 5k.

I have a little secret. I secretly love exercise, but am too lazy to do it most days. I also have a love hate relationship with running...I only did cross country my 8th grade year (that was 9 years ago!) and my fastest 2 mile run was 18 minutes. 9 minute mile. Me...=) Makes me wish I would have never quit!

Anyways this sweat is dripping off from me...no glistening here! Lol I need a shower! :-)

Prayer Doodles

I think the picture is self explanatory for my prayers. But I will explain regardless what was on my heart.

By September or early September I should know whether or not I am pregnant. I am praying for a BFP. Initially I drew it all out with one child. But then, something within me said to pray for 2. So I did. Two little babies that should be gummy bear shaped by the end of September. Two little babies that should be born in May to a very happy Mommy and Daddy. Praise God for what is to come!

September will also bring a letter from KCC. One that will (hopefully!) Tell me congrats! You are in for the Spring to the part time nursing program.

So there it is for now =) My prayer doodle!

Feeling Good

Not trying to be superstitious. But I am feeling good. Between scripture that has repeatedly been shown to me in various forms and the news that the singer that sings "Waiting Here for You" (Nichole S.) is pregnant after losing a baby to SIDS...it gives me hope. It was the one song that brought me back into worship when I was in that bad place not so long ago.

So here's to hope. And dreaming of baby names.

My favorites: Isaac James. Olivia Faith. Hannah Grace. I am sure I will dream up more. =) I don't know if I have ever said this on here but when I was little I wanted 4 kids. 2 boys, 2 girls. Jennifer. Justin. James. And the forth name escapes me at the moment. Oddly enough my best friend's name is Jennifer. My husband's James. And his best friend's name is Justin. Coincidence? I think not. Maybe playing my Barbie dolls with their names was a way that I was unintentionally praying for them. Just a thought, one that makes me smile! =)

Darker OPK, Prayers, and More.

I got an even darker OPK at 3 this morning. SO I think it is safe to say I O'd this morning (as it is light again). So one more chance to try for this cycle and then I will try not to obsess over any "symptoms" and leave it up to whatever the test says near the end of my wait.

AF should be here the 30th or 31st. Don't worry, if I get pregnant, I am sure you all will be the first to know. Besides a few texts to friends that I know will pray for me and my future child. I am thinking some close friends and maybe family will know around 6 or 8 weeks simply because I would like to celebrate my future pregnancies. Instead of it being a, "Surprise, I was pregnant!" after I miscarry.

I am praying this month will be it. Then we can stop TTC for a long while. Please dear God bless us. Bless us by placing your hand on my body and allowing for conception to take place. Allow for a healthy spot in my womb to be the home for my future child. Help the child to be 100% healthy with no diseases or defects. Help me to hold the next baby that I will get pregnant with. Jesus, I know I have struggled recently with this journey I am on. Forgive me for wanting to throw in the towel on all of it. I know that you are the reason for life itself. So I am asking for abundant blessings in the form of children. In Jesus name, Amen.

Can I share another little aspect that has been tugging on my heart. I know I said I wanted to do foster care. To adopt. (Can I mention that our county STILL hasn't called me back, so I am wondering if this door too is being shut to us, or if I need to be more persistent) The two things that have been on the "NO way" list has been domestic infant and international adoption for me. It's expensive, a large process, and something that I never felt the draw to. Until recently, the tug to get a little girl from China. Why China? Because of their practice of late term abortion, especially on little girls. It tugs at my heart. I would love to help the brave souls that carry their baby to term instead of getting an abortion in that society. So maybe our family will be mixed with biological, foster care children, and a little one adopted from China. If the China thing comes to pass, we will definitely need some help. I have seen several fundraiser ideas that we will implement if that truly is a route we are meant to go down.

One other little factoid. I heard a quote on the radio station a few days ago stating that Planned Parenthood believes we should become more like China. And have a 1 child maximum. Because if we do not abort fetuses after that point we will be over populated in a short time. Seriously. And this is our great resource for unplanned pregnancy? I think not. It makes me sick. I watched a video on abortion in the U.S. It disgusted me. To think I crave to have a child so desperately bad and their are so many women that choose to end their child's life. It makes me sick to my stomach that they have been taught the lie and believe that abortion is their best, or only, choice. Because honestly, I think it takes more of a woman to go through the pregnancy and put them up for adoption than to have an abortion. An abortion is something that seems like a "quick fix" at the time. Yet they will have to deal with later in life. The fact that they killed that child. Regardless of religion as Planned Parenthood states. But with adoption you have to experience pregnancy. Go through labor. People will see you pregnant. And then the mother says good bye to a child she actually gets to SEE. That is love. To know you cannot or do not want to provide for that little being and still choosing life for them. It is a blessing to the adoptive family and that little boy or girl.

I'll step off my soap box. Time to go wake up my husband in hopes of procreating! tehe =P

♥ Jess

Positive OPK!! =)

I finally got my +OPK! Good thing today is our anniversary! We had a good morning together ;-) and then I made a HUGE breakfast. Pancakes, eggs, bacon, hash browns, and toast. I am STILL full. Afterwards I asked James where our dessert was, and he told me "I gave you that BEFORE breakfast!" Hahaha =)

Anyways, I am done divulging any information that could be classified as TMI. Now to hope for a quick and happy ending to my 2ww. I think ovulating a day early on our anniversary, on our first month of Clomid should foreshadow good things to come (so bring on the prayers and crossed fingers!)

Feeling hopeful and blessed today. In spite of the fact, that if I honestly stop and think about these last two years...they have been a hellish blessing (oxymoron I know...). From living with his parents (huge blessing financially but was tough on relationships and space...) to experiencing 3 miscarriages together. Then there was his car that broke down, and the little white car that thought she could (and still is per my knowledge). Fights, Laughter, Blessings, and Sorrow. Together we have made it through it all so far, so here is to a good blessing filled third year and beyond!

♥ Jess

P.S. Look at this beautiful positive OPK! Hopefully in a few weeks I will post another positive test that is this dark and b-e-a-U-tiful! =D

Update: Holy O pains! Must be a good egg hahaha it is my right ovary this time I think. Looking forward to progesterone test Sunday to let me know how good my level is! =) I know technically it will only be 5 or 6dpo, but the Dr was adamant about it being CD 21. I know better...and am considering asking to go to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). But I don't have ANY infertility coverage, and I am not so sure I want to go down that route...ugh! Let's just hope this cycle works!

Dreaming

I was dreaming of a great weekend with James. Romantic dinner Friday night. Day at zoo today, and tomorrow a long day at Michigan's Adventure. Wrong.

I slept past my alarm to wake up after 3 hours of sleep. Set so I could just nap, then clean the house before getting ready and heading to Mom's to pick up James before going to the melting pot. I was supposed to wake up at 1.

I woke up at 8. 10 hours of sleep. Really, I guess I was tired. James got out of work late anyways so the melting pot would have been a no go anyways. So we went to dinner at Texas Road House instead...which was quite deeeeelicious.

Today I woke up at 4 after going back to bed with James at midnight. Thus far I have done 4 loads of laundry, and should start the 5th before taking a nap until James wake up. He worked close to 60 hours this week (maybe closer to 55 I'm not sure) so he is a sleepy man.

Anyways, it is raining. So the zoo may be a no go. But we are going to see his best friend and wife (the ones that just had a baby), I am looking forward to holding onto the little man.

Tomorrow? Chance of rain too...I just want to float in the lazy river...is that too much to ask?

Speaking of too much to ask. I was hoping Clomid would make me O earlier because we have more time together when I don't have to work...and if I O when I usually do...it will be busy and that is when it feels like work. (Sad, but true).

TMI to close friends probably, but those on the TTC infertility journey know it is true...sex is work when trying to conceive. Some days you don't feel like it. But your OPK tells you you need to get some action going. And sadly, it affects men and women. James knows where I am at on my cycle. Maybe it is the OPKs on the counter in the bathroom? If so then why does he know I usually O around the 15th of the month give or take a few days.

I had a hormonal moment last night too...in dinner conversation I mentioned that my side effects on Clomid aren't as bad as some have it. On the way home we had the conversation below...and after I cried. He tried breaking the tension by saying, "now THAT is a side effect." I was lost between laughing or crying...but the tears decided to still fall.

He actually said to me when I was pursuing him, "Why you aren't ovulating yet." Seriously. I cried. Told him it is nice to have a sex life outside of ttc. To stand up for him, he was tired. He tried saying I was being "too pushy" and wanted to be the pursuer. Regardless, we both got our way in the end =) Made for a good night. Hahaha

Here is to hoping for a good day. Rain rain go away and come again later this week. But not next weekend. Would prefer nice weather for camping =)

google search

i find it odd some of the wordings that people have stumbled onto my blog. but this one seems a little planned out "jenny james clomid pcos august" hmmmm...kind of crazy to me. See I get the ones that say Blighted ovum Cytotec, and others...but the one above had me wondering like who is searching that intentionally. or is it coincidence?

Yowza!

So today was my lovely female check up. That in itself is kinda, "yay" catch the sarcasm. But honestly after having an internal ultrasound twice on top of a pap the past 5 years, it doesn't bother me.

She said she hopes that I come back next month with news of a positive test. Meeeee toooooo! But really I have to go regardless because we are changing my blood pressure meds. Upping them. Which is okay with me, this 130/80 crap is ridiculous!

While I was there I did ask about James's semen analysis because I was never told exactly what area he was low on. And it was one that doesn't really matter she said. He had 56 million super swimmers with excellent motility and morphology. =D My husband is a super star. Now only if we can get the ovaries to help play a part as a leading lady! Come on Clomid!

I had to buy dollar tree's OPKs today. Which I haven't used before so hopefully they do me goo this cycle...if not she said to just have sex every other day from CD 10-20. We started CD 9. So we are right on track. Especially since I found the pre-seed.

On a side note...my joints ache on my right arm. Shoulder, elbow and wrist. Dr. seemed to think I probably just slept on it wrong...but it HURTS! I am hoping it is not arthritis...blah. She did tell me though to take Tylenol not ibuprofen because the ibuprofen relaxes the cilia that moves the egg. Interesting I thought! Good thing I only take it when on my period and occasionally before ovulation.

Anywhoo I have to find something to eat then nap again before work. Did I mention try to find relief from aches...? Ugh. (Insert baby temper tantrum here!)

Busy days...

I feel like I owe an explanation for being so aloof when it comes to blogging lately. I have been SO busy. Tonight is my last night before a busy 3 day weekend (did I mention I am looking forward to this?).

Anyways, yesterday I went for a jog, okay scratch that, an attempt to jog...with my husband. He is on his 3rd week of the couch to 5k and he is WAY better and faster than me. Thinking that means it is time to get my butt in gear.

Then I got groceries, saved as much as I spent! But went over the budget...whoops! Which then caused an issue bc James realized I forgot to pay a bill. So I was up til 2:30pm. I slept 6 hours before getting up to quickly make dinner.Which was DELICIOUS by the way. It was a quiche. Yummy!

So today my busy day continues. Sleep, Gyno at 3:30 for annual. Then sleep again before work. Did I mention there has to be time for some BDing? And I have to stop at the dollar store because I am almost out of OPKs. Which is no bueno because I have no clue when I am going to O on Clomid. And our pre-seed is missing...how we lost it and where it went I have no stinking clue. Pre-seed was found no worries! ;-)

Currently I have cramping near both ovaries. Praying it is good little follies. Would LOVE to be one of those first months on Clomid success stories (to succeed the first time on something would be AMAZING!).
Anyways, now it is time to see how much my paycheck was. And make sure they haven't shorted me any days (which they do quite frequently...). So I will update you probably Monday with photos of my fun but busy weekend.

Jess
P.S. it is our anniversary on Monday...2 years! =) 6 years together.

Praying in Color

Today when reading another blog I discovered the concept of drawing to pray It is based on the book, Praying in Color: Drawing a New Path to God by Sybil Macbeth. I definitely think I may have to pick this book up. I LOVE to doodle. And if I can doodle to pray, that sounds like an awesome idea to me!

If I start, I promise I will post pictures =) 

Last Day of Hot Flashes!

Today is my last dose of Clomid. I am quite excited to see what this cycle will bring.

Yesterday James's aunt educated me on the fact that there are 6 set of twins on James's side. A mix of fraternal and identical. Fraternal twins are passed on through women due to hyperovulating ovaries. Men can carry the gene onto their daughters. This is why it sometimes skips a generation. Identical twins are another story. Most believe it is just chance that causes the egg to split extra making another baby. But, one article I read said that some scientists believe there could be an enzyme in the sperm that would direct the fertilized egg to cleave into two separate beings. If this is the case, we have a higher set of twins...if not then my chances of twins is the same for any other Clomid woman.

Either way, however many, I will be content if they are healthy when God chooses to bless me. And James feels the same way!

On a different note...today my sleepy head is headed, with no sleep after work to a tractor pull. Currently thinking I am one crazy chica!

Little Comments

Let's do Oreo cookie approach....good then bad then good.

Good. Friend at work tonight told me she would donate eggs to me if I needed. It was sweet of her. She said I deserve to be a mommy. But I probably will never do IVF because of the cost and our smaller income.

Bad. I was annoyed with someone saying, "I wish I could drink." She is pregnant. I wanted to say; "I wish I was pregnant so I couldn't drink. Matter of a fact I don't drink even when I would like to at times because of trying." Seriously rubbed me the wrong way.

Good. AF stopped. Finally! One more day for Clomid after today. Ready for no more hot flashes. Seriously, I feel like a crazy lady when others are cold and I am ready to step into a icy cold shower.

So there it is. My Oreo cookie. Lol

One more good before I go...soon the trying with commence. Every other day here we come. Kind of excite :) Hoping for wonderfully good outcome this month. A double blessing wouldn't be too bad either ;-) As long as friends and family would be willing to help out with babysitting during day. Here's to hoping I will need to have a list of go to babysitters in say...a little over 9 months! =)

Feet back on the ground, head out of the clouds.

God knows the desires of my heart. And James's heart. We are ready to be blessed to be called Mommy and Daddy. We are ready for late nights. Poopy diapers. More loads of laundry. More dishes to wash. More love to give.

I am ready for morning sickness. Might even make me excited at first. But here is to praying for a pregnancy that allows me to work up to delivery, or pretty darn close to it.

Jess

Holy Hotness

So I've been taking my Clomid between 2-3pm. At about 5am the past couple nights I have had crazy hot flashes.

Like if I was home I probably would jump in a cold shower. Or strip down to minimal clothing.

The girls at work asked me what the hell my problem was until one remembered that I had read her the potential side effects of Clomid.
Then they laughed at me. And I can't blame them. I feel for those going through menopause with hot flashes! Holy Toledo! =)

Anyways, I hope I only have to go through this once. That would be WONDERFUL!

Hope you all have a wonderful day. I am looking forward to sleep, pizza with hubby, and hopefully the chance to watch some house episodes and clean before work tonight. But for now...grocery shopping!

On Hope

I wanted to share a quote from the July/August "Stepping Stones" Newsletter. It is about choosing hope.

Hope feels dangerous to me. Allowing myself to hope means I might be broken again. Being discouraged is far less risky. It's a miserable place, but it feels safer than climbing the mountains of hope. It doesn't take any faith to be discouraged. I can do it effortlessly. Having hope requires emotional effort. It requires me to believe in my God, to believe so fully that I let go of the reigns and allow God to handle the ride.

~ Jennifer Miller

She is right. And today, I choose hope over despair and defeat.

Side Effects

First it was hot flashes, now it is headache. So I am hot, sweaty, and tired because I woke up early because of headache. Yuck. I think I got six hours of sleep today. Bleck.

Now to shower and then try to nap before work I think.

Except one more thought. James asked me today when we start having our "appointments". I told him we were going to do every other day as soon as AF disappears. He asked if we were trying the save-up-for-3-5-days-before-O-day-to-have-more-swimmers idea. I told him I wanted to try every other at least this month on clomid. As he was leaving, he looked at me and said, "Jess, if it's not this time...I don't know what I will think." I reminded him that I said I would try it 3 months before we took a break. So here's to praying that we will get a healthy strong BFP within one of these months on clomid (and wouldn't it be wonderful if it was this month?!).

In case you are curious, if I got pregnant this month our EDD would be Monday May 7, 2012. Right around my little sister's birthday. If the next cycle we would be due beginning of June, and following cycle the beginning of July. Which would be okay for Jenny's wedding. =) I would have about two weeks of healing before having to make a grand appearance hehe jk jk. And that would mean I could have a drink, or two. And that my sister Stacey and Mom would be excited for baby sitting a little newborn for a night.

Okay back to reality. I haven't O'd yet this cycle...I need to stop dreaming!

♥ Jess

God Answers Prayers.

Yesterday I was blessed with the ability to stay over and get some overtime. It was nice to see God answer my prayer that quickly! And yesterday I also went to go pick up my Clomid prescription.

I had a coupon for Meier that gave me a $20 coupon off of next purchase. Yet, they said I couldn't use it on my prescription because of our insurance. It was ten dollars. So I asked how much it was without insurance...and guess what? By paying 2.99 more I was able to get $20 in gas for free. WONDERFUL!

Yesterday was CD 3 and day one of Clomid. So far no side effects, but then again I think I would be concerned if there was. On CD 21 I have to take a progesterone test to make sure I ovulated. Praying for good number and a healthy baby this cycle.

I have hope again with vacation in our future, some answered prayers in the present, and the knowledge that Through Christ anything is possible.

So today my friends, besides being exhausted from working over I am also feeling content, optimistic, and full of hope once more. Thank you all for your prayers and kind words.

Update: Holy Hot flashes Batman! Definitely have first symptom from Clomid. I was sitting, when all of a sudden I felt like I had been running. I even got a little sweaty. I never really sweat unless working out hard core. It was CRAZY!

Honesty

Last night was a good night. James and I actually talked and cuddled. I would love to lie and say this happens all the time, but it doesn't. To be honest, we probably haven't had an in depth conversation, especially outside of a moving vehicle, in over a month or two. No wonder both of us are so snippy with each other. No wonder we both feel so blah.

I was honest with him, I told him I was getting to the point of not wanting to try any more and just work on us. That I was feeling like a nagging wife that always wants him home because I miss him so terribly much. He admitted he knew the feeling, and we talked. I do sincerely look forward to working only every other weekend, but I look forward to him working days even more. I look forward to dinners together every night of the week. I look forward to leaving for work with a hug and a kiss every night. I look forward to coming home and going right to sleep instead of breaking up my sleeping schedule. It will be WONDERFUL.

Yet, I had to ask him...what are your true feelings on this? I could see God has truly shaped him into wanting to be a Daddy. He talked about a little boy from church running up to him. James was chosen as this little boys safe haven because he didn't know where his parents were. I think it made James feel good. Like his step-brother's little one year old girl that always wants to go see him. He's like a magnet to little kids lately. And at times I feel like a loser because I haven't been able to "do the wifely duty" of producing offspring. So after he heard my little pity party and saying that I didn't want to try any more, him saying..."I really want kids Jess." melted my heart. To pieces.

I love my husband, we are not perfect by any means. But he does balance me out. When I am going crazy he is grounded. We just need more time together to be grounded together. With Christ. I asked James what we could do to make our marriage better, his response? Read the Bible, let's get a devotional to do together. So any ideas for devotionals for couples?

So the prescription for clomid that I wasn't going to call on...it is in at Meijer and I am going to go pick it up soon. And I get to start it tomorrow. Hopefully it is relatively cheap. Hopefully it gives us good results.

On another note...finances. I get it, we need to tithe. Lord, so just bless us from here on out. Can we forget about what I "owe" you for past tithe for the moment? If we are blessed financially you know I will make it up. But, we are in a very tight spot like we haven't been in a LONG time. I actually was looking around thinking about what we could sell. We need an emergency fund, but we need the vacation away also. We need to pay debt off. We need to go back to Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace course. So God, I am asking for overtime on days that I can stay over. I am praying for good deals for food and gas. For the ability to have our money stretch further than my math will cover. For you to take away this anxiety that I have been feeling about this pending winter and having the money to bring home a child. Bless us indeed Oh God. Expand our territories, keep us from harm, protect us from the evil one. The prayer of Jabez is on my heart. Bless us abundantly in ways we haven't dreamed. In Jesus name, Amen.

More honesty? I am believing our finances will work out. Not enough to magically go to Niagara, but enough that I booked a hotel in Mackinaw for 3 nights. A room on the lake with a jacuzzi in the room. And an indoor water park. We will have enough money currently for the hotel. But, here's to hoping for some extra to be able to go to the island and do some fun sightseeing when we are up there, lol. I'm having faith God, please don't let me fall down this time. All I am asking for is a nice vacation with my husband.

Being a Follower

I went for a jog instead of dwelling on my heartaches this morning. And pandora chose the song below for me. I listened to the word. I know God is leading me, but doesn't mean I have to like where he is going sometimes. In truth, I think he was showing me he loves me. He loves me. Even when I feel like He loves me Not.

Thank you friends for your prayers. Cassie, Jill, and Jenny....I need it. I also needed to read the latest entry over at Held titled Follow Me. Not to mention this scripture was yesterday's post:

And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings,
because we know that suffering produces perseverance;
perseverance, character; and character, hope.
And hope does not disappoint us,
because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit,
whom he has given us.
Romans 5:2-5