Honesty

Last night was a good night. James and I actually talked and cuddled. I would love to lie and say this happens all the time, but it doesn't. To be honest, we probably haven't had an in depth conversation, especially outside of a moving vehicle, in over a month or two. No wonder both of us are so snippy with each other. No wonder we both feel so blah.

I was honest with him, I told him I was getting to the point of not wanting to try any more and just work on us. That I was feeling like a nagging wife that always wants him home because I miss him so terribly much. He admitted he knew the feeling, and we talked. I do sincerely look forward to working only every other weekend, but I look forward to him working days even more. I look forward to dinners together every night of the week. I look forward to leaving for work with a hug and a kiss every night. I look forward to coming home and going right to sleep instead of breaking up my sleeping schedule. It will be WONDERFUL.

Yet, I had to ask him...what are your true feelings on this? I could see God has truly shaped him into wanting to be a Daddy. He talked about a little boy from church running up to him. James was chosen as this little boys safe haven because he didn't know where his parents were. I think it made James feel good. Like his step-brother's little one year old girl that always wants to go see him. He's like a magnet to little kids lately. And at times I feel like a loser because I haven't been able to "do the wifely duty" of producing offspring. So after he heard my little pity party and saying that I didn't want to try any more, him saying..."I really want kids Jess." melted my heart. To pieces.

I love my husband, we are not perfect by any means. But he does balance me out. When I am going crazy he is grounded. We just need more time together to be grounded together. With Christ. I asked James what we could do to make our marriage better, his response? Read the Bible, let's get a devotional to do together. So any ideas for devotionals for couples?

So the prescription for clomid that I wasn't going to call on...it is in at Meijer and I am going to go pick it up soon. And I get to start it tomorrow. Hopefully it is relatively cheap. Hopefully it gives us good results.

On another note...finances. I get it, we need to tithe. Lord, so just bless us from here on out. Can we forget about what I "owe" you for past tithe for the moment? If we are blessed financially you know I will make it up. But, we are in a very tight spot like we haven't been in a LONG time. I actually was looking around thinking about what we could sell. We need an emergency fund, but we need the vacation away also. We need to pay debt off. We need to go back to Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace course. So God, I am asking for overtime on days that I can stay over. I am praying for good deals for food and gas. For the ability to have our money stretch further than my math will cover. For you to take away this anxiety that I have been feeling about this pending winter and having the money to bring home a child. Bless us indeed Oh God. Expand our territories, keep us from harm, protect us from the evil one. The prayer of Jabez is on my heart. Bless us abundantly in ways we haven't dreamed. In Jesus name, Amen.

More honesty? I am believing our finances will work out. Not enough to magically go to Niagara, but enough that I booked a hotel in Mackinaw for 3 nights. A room on the lake with a jacuzzi in the room. And an indoor water park. We will have enough money currently for the hotel. But, here's to hoping for some extra to be able to go to the island and do some fun sightseeing when we are up there, lol. I'm having faith God, please don't let me fall down this time. All I am asking for is a nice vacation with my husband.