Isaiah 43:2, “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.”
2 Corininthians 4:9 "persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."
I am trying to feel this way. But I am feeling like I am starting to drowned. Another BFN this morning. And another pregnancy announcement. Trying not to feel bitter and forgotten by God. But seriously struggling. She started trying this summer and is now 11 weeks. 3 months...she probably got pregnant first try. And it is not like she will not be a good mother. She will. I just wish God would share the wealth.
And I have been trying for 13 months now. Have had 3 losses, and still waiting for my rainbow baby.
I am at the point of this cycle that I do not want to have hope because if AF comes it will only bring that much more disappointment and sadness.
I am sick of staring at pregnancy tests that I have pissed on to see if there could possibly be a second line. I am tired of spending money on ovulation predictor and pregnancy tests. I am sick of this TTC mode. But not sick enough that I can stop. How sad is that? I am tired and weary but will press on. Because the joy of one day getting pregnant far surpasses the depressed thoughts and feelings I have at the moment. The pain in the moment sucks, but it will truly make the day when I have a BFP that leads to having a child that much better.
I am weary. I am struck down, but not destroyed. I may bend, but I will not break. My heart is breaking but I am still here. I am losing my footing, but there is still ground to break my fall if I do fall.
I have cramps. Boobs hurt. I'm emotional. Ready for a BFP or AF to be here. Sick of this crap.
Often things strike my heart and want to come bursting forth. They come spilling out onto the page, or computer screen. With ink filling pages or my fingers flying across the keyboard, my mind going a million miles a minute, and my heart crying out to be heard. Here is where you’ll find those things, my little notes on life.
Little Bit About Me
- Jess
- First and foremost, I am a Christian woman: I love Jesus! In this blog you will find stories of trying to conceive with PCOS, MTHFR, Poor egg quality, a unicornuate uteterus, and too many babies in heaven. It is a good thing God is the ultimate healer! Here you will find praise! and you may also find venting (I'm not perfect...) and you will find other stories of my crazy life. All the while through this journey I am holding on to scripture & hoping to one day be a mother here on Earth (waiting on God & His perfect timing...why am I so impatient?) But in the meantime, here you will find me: Jessica, loving wife, hopeful heart of a mother, and faithful friend.
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