Hope feels dangerous to me. Allowing myself to hope means I might be broken again. Being discouraged is far less risky. It's a miserable place, but it feels safer than climbing the mountains of hope. It doesn't take any faith to be discouraged. I can do it effortlessly. Having hope requires emotional effort. It requires me to believe in my God, to believe so fully that I let go of the reigns and allow God to handle the ride.
~ Jennifer Miller
I have shared that quote before. And I find myself in the same place. Expecting AF with a little desperation, but it is sugarcoated with hope. Even if I say I have none...I do. Even if I say I don't think about AF not coming...I do. I do think about it. I have hope, but a hope that often times lets me down.
Today I am hopeful but not placing my happiness in the hope. I am exhausted and about to lay down for a nap.
I will not mention that I am tired in spite of sleeping for 7 hours. That I have cramps and no spotting (even near cervix...). That James has mentioned that my boobies still look bigger, and commented on how tired I am. Or how every "symptom" I have has over 50% of people had on my dpo while being pregnant on countdowntopregnancy.com.
I will not mention the fact that if AF comes I will be on Clomid on our vacation. Or that if it is going to come I hope it is now and not later so we can actually enjoy each other on our vaca, without thoughts of timing it right being of concern. Or worse if it comes late I could have AF when on vaca...ugh. OR worse yet...if I am pregnant the dreaded sixth week will be when we will be away.
♥ Jess
Keep me in your thoughts. I am going crazy...and to bed, like now because I am exhausted....zzzzzzz
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