Lady in Red

Well this morning I awoke to red spotting so looks like no Christmas miracle this way. BUT it means my cycles still are within my possible norm (30-32). I was getting pretty anxious bc today would have been CD 33 if the evil lady didn't show up.

And January is another month to try again. Maybe we will have a 2014 baby yet :-)

Once finances are back in place and I have passed my LPN boards I think James and I will both be pretty gung Ho about getting pregnant again.

Matthew wants a baby sister (or maybe momma is just being wishful...l look at all of the dresses and think how gosh darn cute they are! LOL). He truly loves babies and I would really love to give him a biological sibling!

CD 31

No signs of AF. No spotting. Cervix is high and firm. Small twinges in uterus (could be beginning to cramps). And a stark white bfn staring back at me.

What are you doing crazy body? You are driving me bonkers.

I had a coworker tell me I was glowing this week. I am exhausted and having a 730 bed time. What is going on? 

There goes my hope of a Christmas miracle.  Oh well AF come quickly so we can start trying again lol

CD 29

So far no signs of AF unless you choose to count crabbiness, mood swings, and excessive hunger. Definitely symptom spotting going on over this way.

If AF doesn't come by Thursday I will poas.  I would be lying if I said I wasn't dreaming about telling James with a positive pregnancy test wrapped up.

Dreaming. Big time. I have been exhausted today....so who knows. I cannot test til Thursday so no use dwelling on it.

Anyways, Matthew has 1 year pictures today. And I couldn't find some of the clothes I wanted him to wear. Oh well.

On another note I passed my OB class.  So I am now eligible to sit for my LPN boards. Which is a good thing... we need the pay increase!!

Hope can be a dangerous thing.

I find myself lately looking to see how many dpo I am (most likely bc I didn't use an opk). I am thinking how wonderful it would  be to surprise people with another pregnancy announcement. Wishing and hoping for a Christmas miracle.

How can I be this crazy to be willing to go through the loses.  The unknown. The heartache. For the hope of bringing Matthew home a brother or sister. I see how lovey be is to other kids and know he will one day make an awesome big brother.

In fact I have to share how much he loves giving hugs and kisses. Especially to kids his age. His friend Harper was terrified by his hugs. She would lay down and cry and he would just go in for another hug and kiss. Lol pricess. He certainly is a lover!

Another note....today is James's birthday! He is now 28. How did we get this old?

Reminiscing

It is hard to believe Matthew is a year old. One. My little boy. My baby, he is no longer a baby. He is a *gulp* toddler. He is toddling around and trying to be brave enough to go faster. He is growing up so quickly and it makes me a little sad.

Where has the time gone? Have I not taken the time to do enough to remember what he was like when he was and is this small? I wish I would have made videos and taken more pictures.

It makes me wonder what his older siblings would look like. And forces me to think about how old they would be. Our first loss was close to exactly 2 years to the date of when Matthew was born. Can I imagine having 2 under 2? No, but isn't that what we are hoping for now?

I got to dreaming about how wonderful it would be to surprise James on Christmas with good news of a healthy pregnancy. And I thought to myself this is not possible because it has been a bust with James being sick. And I felt this small voice say to me, impossible? Is ANYTHING Impossible with me? And I felt (Ok feel...) this hope and wonder of possibilities.

Nothing is impossible.

Matthew is all the proof we need.

Baby Fever

My oh my have the baby announcements been hitting heavy on my Facebook lately.  Not helping my baby fever. At all. I would LOVE to have a 2014 baby.

I have the itch to TTC I am supposed to ovulate soon but my husband is sick, so this cycle is a bust (if it is regular again....).

On another note,  Matthew is showing signs of wanting to sleep by himself, so I suppose it is time to try the crib out again soon. Wish us luck

Other Thoughts on TTC

I have been surfing the net for reasons of multiple early miscarriages. I know I have multiple factors but it has to be something else I could do.

I have decided 1) January I will switch to l-methylfolate instead of regular folic acid and pray that helps. 2) I have a huge stash of Lovenox. I might as well use it. So this cycle or next I am going to start the shots 4dpo until BFP or AF. 3) If I have another loss with weight loss Plus all of the above, I am going to ask for my NK cells to be checked and if high I will ask for prednisone.

I also read an article about naturally lowering body's inflammation response and might try some of their ideas.

My hope for our family is to have another baby or be quite pregnant by the time Matthew is 2. And be signed up for foster care classes by the time he is 4. I still would love to also do an international adoption as well.

Big hopes.

30 Day Cycle!

What's that I said? I had a 30 day Cycle! Back to normal!!!! :-) We will see how next cycle goes. But my thought and hopes are to lose 20lbs and get pregnant with another healthy baby.

I weighed myself and disappointingly it read 207.8 meaning I need to lose 15 to be back to the weight I was when I found out I was pregnant with Matthew.

I am HOPING weight los will do the trick and prove to be my infertility. I am starting to really get the itch for exercise it will give me the endorphines to make it through the winter and hopefully valentines we will have good news coming our way. I exercised 4 months before we got pregnant with Matthew so hoping for the same this time around!

Giddy. Hopeful. Excited. Makes up for the shifty birthday and fiasco with financial aide. Plus the 91% on exam isn't bad news either.

Holy Ovulation Batman!!

Since Monday I have been feeling something going on w/uterus/ovary area. Almost to the point that I wondered if I was going to start my period extra early. I was due for O this week. And by the cramps and FOUR days of ewcm thus far, along with an almost positive OPK last time I tested (which was last one) I would say I O'd.

Mixed with my extreme sense of smell/nausea from the smell of poo. And let me tell you I have the gut of steal, I can clean up puke without gagging, I can do snot without too much of a problem (my only thing I had an issue with was blood luegies when I was pregnant). So the fact that the poo almost had me gagging, and left me feeling so nauseated I skipped lunch is quite impressive.

And by impressive think loose poop with corn in it. I didn't even know that could happen! My sister and I cried laughing when I told her about it. Dis-friggen-scusting.

So if I didn't know better I would think...take a hpt! But I am really just hoping it is good ovulation from starting back up my metformin.  Who knows. Regardless....I almost lost my cookies at work. As I am sure some of you did by the descriptions in my post, sorry.

(P.S. I would be excited to find out we were pregnant, but not holding my breath....)

(P.S.S. at clinical I am learning there are WAY more stupid pregnant women than at first anticipated. Stupid enough to not follow controlled diabetes...creating a 10lb+ baby and not understanding why you cannot hold it when it's o2 had desatted to low 60% AND blood glucose fell to low 30s before an IV dextrose got started. OR how about babies with drawling because mom's did drugs while pregnant.... enough said. One day I want to adopt one of those poor babies going through withdrawal because they deserve so much more.)

Jesus Wept.

Note: I wrote this on Oct 31st but it never posted. And now Matthew's birthday party is TOMORROW...where has the time gone? He wont officially be 1 until the 24th but to think a year has almost already passed is unfathomable....how did that happen so quickly?

The shortest verse in the Bible. I cannot even remember the book or verse number at the moment, but I know it for sure: Jesus Wept.

And I think that is exactly what happened the other day. We sat and we cried. Together. I was looking at my Sept/Oct Stepping Stones paper, and I just cried. Matthew played quietly and I wept. Over the pain of infertility, loss, and just the things of this world that do not seem fair or right.

Emotional, that would be the one word to sum me up lately. Emotional eater. Emotionally - sad, depressed, and just feeling the blue. Grieving still, most likely. I told a classmate I felt blah, and she asked me, "why?" And she knew about my loss. It is how easily the world forgets about things that truly impact those we know.

Oiy! My heart today was so saddened leaving Matthew today I wish I could just squeeze him and hold him tight and not let go. How is he already 11 months old? How am I missing his first Halloween? We are celebrating his birthday next Saturday and I feel unprepared both literally and emotionally. How is my baby becoming a toddler already? Didnt we just get to see the first ultrasound, hear his heart beat on the Doppler? Didn't I just get to feel the first kick I thought I would never feel?

How did this time pass by so quickly. why didn't I take more photos? More video to remember this precious memories. My heart aches at the possibility of never getting to experience this again. But as I wept with Jesus I truly felt him say that one day we will have another baby. A girl. But that could be my heart just crying out to him and pouring my hearts desires out to him.

James and I have talked if we get to do foster care the possibility of breastfeeding a newborn. Because that is one thing my body can actually do right. I can make the milk but not keep the babies. What a crazy body!

*sigh* so today in this glum rainy weather I am headed to clinical, with the possibility of watching babies be born. May it be good healing moments for my soul.

Got the Blues.

I just cannot shake my sadness lately. Desperately need to do something for myself. Exercise is a must, but a pedicure would be lovely.

I've just got the blues, and feeling blah. Reading the questions on my exam about various examples of mom's in distress w/their pregnancy didn't really help either. I am not even too excited that I passed the exam, again with minimal studying. 85% after collaborative is good, but I really should study and feel more ambitious...but nope.

Ambitious is not a word to describe me lately.

The next 2 weeks we are doing a caveman (paleo) diet, found the menu online. Looking forward to it. Hoping to drop the pounds I have added the past week. I have ate like a pig (oink, oink). I am a depression eater, which is sad. I am fat because I over eat, and I overeat because I am sad and fat lol

I still think fat is my infertility, and how sad is that to not strive to change it? I am pathetic.

You read that right: pathetic.

Okay done being blue. Time to kick my ass into gear and do something about it. Bring on the good endorphins and better food choices.

Heart is Heavy.

Lately I have been trying to fill my heart with worship. I just have this ache. As I see babies, or pregnant bellies. Those TTC, and thinking and hoping for them that they won't have a struggle...yet having a small bit of me turn green with jealousy as I say that prayer.

I will NOT turn bitter. But that doesn't mean I won't be sad. It doesn't mean I cannot take time to grieve.

It is a delicate balance. I want to yell at God, "WHY ME? Why AGAIN?" But then there is a part that gently sighs, shrugs shoulders and say, "The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away." And the only thing that stays the same, is the ache in my heart and the tears that run down my cheeks.

And then there is Matthew. Our little miracle who just nursed himself to sleep on my lap.

Awhile back someone was angry in a comment and basically asked why I would want take away this one on one time with Matthew. Why take away this breastfeeding. Blah blah blah.

I just want him to have siblings. To grow up in a home where he can have fun every night of the week, with brothers and/or sisters. To watch them grow together, love each other, and be able to parent side by side when they grow up.

I don't care when it happens. But these past 2 losses have started a fire within me to become pregnant again with another healthy baby. I want to bring home another baby from the hospital. I want to feel a kick from within. I want to see a heartbeat on my ultrasound.

I want. I want to have them close in age. I want to tandem breastfeed. I want to not have to experience loss after loss after loss.

What I want, what WE want as a husband and wife...but our wants aren't always what God has in store for us.

Sometimes he says No, Not now, just wait. And sometimes he miraculously says Yes, dear child it is time. And I am hoping that Yes will come soon, rather than later.

But for now, in this waiting my heart is heavy.

Oh Boy.

This afternoon my OB's office called. And the phone nurse said I needed to repeat my beta hcg. I told her I was already miscarrying, that I started Saturday. She hadn't looked at my chart clearly, because she asked, "Do you have a history of losses?"

"Yup, this is my 7th loss."

"Have you seen anyone about this?"

"Not since we had Matthew."

"Is this your first loss since him?"

"No, I had a suspected ectopic in June."

"Oh, OK I will make sure your chart is updated."

Oiy! If I start to have regular period again I will probably go in for a visit, to have them check my progesterone levels to see what they are.

Not going to lie part of me would love to go see the Doctor that Toni and Lisa went to in Chicago to see if I have more going against me than what we are already aware of. And I think that will be our plan if by the time Matthew is 2 we do not have another baby.

I know I am blessed to have Matthew, and I feel like people may think I am selfish/crazy for wanting more than one after what all we went through. But if God brings me to it, He will bring me through it. And my heart and soul would LOVE to experience pregnancy again, I want a house full of kids.

But instead we are filling up God's lap with multiple babies we haven't got to meet yet. *sigh* one day we will though, and I cannot tell you how much joy that brings to me to think about meeting my babies.

Seven. Seven losses. Seven beautiful babies. How is it that I am a mother of eight children, at the age of 25 but have only got to hold one in my arms.

I joke, but it seems in order to have the four children we wished for we would have a family bigger than the Duggars in Heaven. Let God's will be my will, and help us to accept what we are handed. May God help my womb be accepting to the next pregnancy, and for my body to be as hospitable as it can be to my future baby.

And may Matthew never question or wonder if he was wanted, loved, or prayed for.

Goals and Update.

First my update....still having yucky cramps and clots, and the OB wants me to repeat the hcg to make sure it is going down. If it hasn't gone down with what is coming out of me....there is something wrong.

I was doing some reading on breastfeeding and miscarriage. I know I am at higher risk for miscarriage, obviously, and I read conflicting things on bfing and miscarriage. I understand my prolactin is high and likelihood progesterone is low. BUT those things usually prevent you from getting pregnant. I have gotten pregnant 2x, alas not with good outcomes. But until Matthew I was never 100% sure a good outcome was coming our way.

I cannot go on birth control, and I am not giving up breastfeeding. So like all my pregnancies and losses, I am just giving it up to God. I would LOVE to tandem nurse. I would LOVE to have 2 under 2. But ultimately it is in God's hands. We will see what my cycle does this time around. Maybe like with Matthew I will get pregnant back to back and the 2nd one will be extra sticky.

Onto my goals.
I have the tendency to make BIG goals.
And then never obtain them. BUT it is time to change that.

Here are my goals for the rest of the year (and beyond).

1) Keep my house clean and organized. (Working on this one now because we are planning a big 1year birthday party)
2) Make healthier choices (aka eat more fruits and veggies and such)
3) Exercise at least 3x a week (biggest loser DVDs to start with!)
4) Run the Turkey Trot (on thanksgiving morning) in 40 minutes or less. Begin training now. (I would like to run a 5k in 30 minutes by the end of 2014)
5) Train for a half marathon, and do it. (Shooting for April possibly 2015, not sure with nursing school 2014 is probable goal)
6) Meet and maintain my goal of 160lbs. (Baby steps, first 190, then 180, then 170, and finally 160)
7) Read the Bible daily.
8) Pray every day with and for my husband, and Matthew.
9) Continue to do well in school.
10) Pass my LPN nclex beginning of next year and get a job.
11) Pay off the rest of medical debt, and work on credit cards.

So there they are :-)

Goals out of my control are:
For James to have a better job, and be happier there.
To be pregnant with a healthy little baby.
To help James reach his 100lb goal of weight loss by the end of 2014.

Right now we are in a weight loss challenge between a small group of friends. There are 4 of us total. James says he is going to win, but pretty sure I can lose weight like a man when I put my mind to it...and they are going down ;-). Especially now that I have miscarried again and fully determined that Fat is the biggest part of my infertility.

Disheartened.

Loss #7.

Seriously do not understand the point of allowing someone to get pregnant somewhat easily but not hold onto that pregnancy.

God sure has a funny way of doing things some times.

BUT. In the midst of this I will just squeeze Matthew a bit tighter and say Thank You God for this miracle you have given us.

And it has made me think about speeding up the possibility of fostering. But we shall see.

Matthew now is a big brother to 2 babies in heaven, and a little brother to 5 babies in heaven.

I have 8 children, but only one sits in my lap.

*Sigh*

Well, they didn't do my progesterone for some odd reason. And my hcg came back at...

14.5

Not really making me think this pregnancy is going to be viable.

And neither is the light pregnancy test I took tonight. Granted it wasn't on a good hold, but still...outlook isn't the greatest.

We cling to hope and dreaming big dreams. But ultimately it is in God's hands.

Stupid FMU

I KNOW my FMU isn't ever as good as my evening or SMU but I decided to just go for it this morning. Definitely a line still there but lighter than yesterday's.

So, being as those were my last tests....I will be stopping at walmart. Blah.

And this is my plan for beta....go Friday when I have to be in town already, and then take my sister back to school Sunday so I can get the repeat beta done.

So the OB will call me Monday with our plan of action be it repeat betas or nurse intake. (Praying that it rises enough with healthy progesterone that we schedule early ultrasound).

My last period was August 23rd. Progesterone September 30th was 13.48.

So we shall see, I have NO CLUE how far along I am. You'd think like 4 weeks due to how light tests are. So we could have a baby June 2014, but in reality May 2014 if I go early like I did with Matthew.

Now to go to clinical, and try to get over this head cold/allergy congestion. I think I need to refill my rhinoquart aqua.

Jess...(P.S. have I mentioned how excited, hopeful, and nervous I am?)

Curse of the Fertile Infertile

Well dear friends, my OB called me Monday and I missed the call. I called back Tuesday. And guess what they had to tell me but forgot? I ovulated. Or was about to ovulate. That was two weeks ago I got blood work done.

I shrugged it off, thought good that means I should start my period soon.

Then I felt weepy while watching biggest loser. Thought, no big deal this show always get me.

Then I got to think...how the heck do you ovulate and not have a period???

So I tested. My 88c cheapie showed a line.

So I tested with same urine using FRER. And this is what I got...this woman is presently pregnant until proven otherwise. PUPO. Not squinters AT ALL in real life. Holy crap. I am giddy! Bring on the lovenox and big prayers.

Remembrance Day

Babies, I remember you every day. And I mean EVERY. But some days are harder. Much harder.

Like today. I feel like I haven't done enough to remember you, to celebrate the life that was. That people have and will forget you existed.

And they might.

But I won't. Much like an elephant never forgets, same with the grieving mother...she never forgets either.

I fear some days I am not doing my part to get to meet you in heaven. Not doing my part to remember you. And that makes my heart so very sad.

To our first little one, our Abigail. Father's joy. You were such a blessing. Three months in to trying and it felt like forever. Heartbreak every month that I thought was terrible. And then there was that second pink line. That hope shining through the darkness of news of PCOS and fear of infertility. I clung to hope. And in that hope I got the worst phone call of my life thus far. Telling me I was going to miscarry. You were gone.

That emotion I felt in those few short weeks from seeing that positive close to my birthday to seeing my body miscarry you on thanksgiving...roller coaster to say the least. Daddy still wants us to name a little girl Abigail if we have another, so we may be like Ms. Kay from duck dynasty and have another Abigail one day. But we will see.

The second pregnancy came as a shock. A blaring second line, on Christmas. Again hope. Heartbreak. And fervent prayer. Sammy, you will always be remembered. I have your picture. And I carry that image in my heart.

After Sam I got SO bitter and angry. The next 3 losses are our unnamed children. Which makes me sad sometimes because they are not any less important. And I feel I was so wrapped up in my heart I never prayed for God to reveal their gender to me or a name to remember them by. I was so hurt, and unable to function at times emotionally. I am SO thankful God was able to hold you in his arms while mommy went through this awful time.

Then we got our Matthew and he has been the light of our world, but also a struggle at many moments. I wonder if you kiddos would look like him, act like him, have the Hillard scowl marks, or the Purdey mole on your foot. I wonder and dream. Quite often.

And I look at big brother and little brother shirts for Matthew, and debate about getting them for him. As a discussion piece. As a way for him to know you better.

Sometimes I wonder if he can see you guys, like the old ladies at work that tell me my children are beautiful. Sometimes he smiles at things I cannot see and I know it is something heavenly, and that leaves you up for grabs.

After Matthew we had one suspected ectopic. A surprise that made me wish I wasn't pregnant at that moment followed by acceptance and excitement. And yet again disappointment and regret for my emotions in the beginning.

To all 7 of my children, the 6 in heaven and the one lying next to me. Never wonder if you are loved. Because you are. Unceasingly, without end. Do not double. I loved you before I met you, I loved you before you were conceived, and I love you more each and every day.

My hope in my suffering and loss here on earth is that in heaven some woman that experienced infertility is able to hold you tight and help keep watch over you until Momma gets there and can squeeze you and fall in love with you all over again.

Blessings.

Lately God has opened up my eyes to so many blessing that have been bestowed upon me in this life.

From being able to take care of the elderly that no longer can live independently, to seeing the wisdom and youth they can still hold onto even though their bodies have aged.

To being able to see the thankfulness in being able to hold my bowels and bladder to go to the restroom on my own, without someone standing over me, or the use of a catheter. Specifically a poop catheter, definitely blessed to not have a colostomy bag or a poop catheter (you laugh, there is such a thing, I promise...and as a nurse you have to flush shit, I mean it)

Blessings in my home life. From my relationship with my husband, to the miraculous blessing in Matthew (even as he is still trying to teeth and is irritable and extremely fussy), to the roof over our head and the pellets in our basement ready for winter.

I am blessed because I am free from addition that so many struggle with (minus food...that is still a struggle).

I am blessed because my parents did the best they knew and could to raise us.

I am blessed because I have the ability to be in school, to not have to study much, and still get good grades (awesome if I may brag for a moment, I got a 90% on my past exam). Blessed to have the girls I have in clinical. For the women that allow nursing students in their room as they are in moments of extreme strength and vulnerability as they push babies out of the vagina.

For the ability to help be an advocate for breastfeeding. And help women find positions that work best for them even if unconventional.

For the ability to give women advice saying I know where you are at pumping exclusively every 2 hours for 2 weeks, because I did it for six weeks. You can do it, it won't be easy, but it is possible, and so worth it.

For the ability to be there for others when they lose a child and not be afraid to cry with them if they need it, or be the person that they tell their story to, when they are grieving their loss of their baby 8 years later.

And most importantly, I am blessed for the life God has given me. From the people in it that have helped me live it, to the experiences I have had. From the days I have lived to the years I have yet to live. Blessed

And I try to be a blessing to others, speaking love, faith, and hope into their lives (I do fail many times though).

My cup is overrunning with blessings in this life and in my heart. How can I not try to pass it on?

Thank you Jesus for all you have given me and will give me in the future. Your love is amazing, and because of this I can find blessings in this crazy life we all live in.

Mtx Treatment

Well, I got my bill for that methotrexate shot. Over $200. $250 something.

AND for some god forsaken reason they want me to pay my doctor's visit fee as well even though it was pregnancy related. Quite confused on this one.

And they didn't cover Matthew's nebulizer we got. So now I have to call blue cross and wait forever on the phone.

FML.

I love insurance, I am sure obamacare will make it that much more wonderful *rolls eyes*

Dr Appt

Well the doctor today examined my cervix and said it looked 100% healthy and then felt where I was feeling the lump. She said it is just a firm spot in my cervix, all due to normal changes from childbirth.

Phew

Big relief off my shoulders.

Then we discussed my cycles. She said a breastfeeding mother typically should not expect normal ovulation/cycles until her baby is nursing fewer than 4x a day. So we have a while, and I am just going to get back on track with vitamins, metformin, baby aspirin, and blood pressure pill. And exercise and eating healthier. Because my dear friends I probably have a very long time for that.

And while I would LOVE to experience another healthy pregnancy soon, I also know it is all in God's timing.

Thoughts on My Cycle Lately, Venting.

Honest Reader....If you are who I think you are, just use your name for goodness sake.

And there were DEFINITELY lines on 4 of the tests I took. My husband could see them. They were pink.

The one I took the night I had lab work done? It had a non colored indent.

I am positive that most likely I experienced evaps on what are supposed to be wonderful hpt.

I understand I am breastfeeding, and I likely didn't ovulate. But I am simply too busy to use opks every day at the moment, so I didn't do that every day making it so I could have ovulated and missed it, just like when I got pregnant the second time ever, and just like when I got pregnant with this past ectopic.

The lines I saw would have thrown anyone for a loop, and hence I am DONE with FRER.

And on another topic, I did have cervical changes, besides the lump that I get checked out today...ugh, that made me think pregnancy was possible.

I AM ready to have normal cycles again. I AM aware that breastfeeding and being postpartum changes things. And I DO know this could be normal until I am done breastfeeding. But I do think it sucks I may have to discontinue my breastfeeding relationship with my son in order to get pregnant with a sticky bean.

End rant.

Next post will be more positive, I hope.

DEFINITELY Negative

Wait for this amazing hcg.
Amazing because I have never seen one this low.

0.6 Yup, 0.6

There are 2 options....
1) chemical...if so why haven't I started my period yet?
And...
2) FRER gave me evaps.

What the heck?

Amazed honestly by how low the hcg is, so thinking evaps at this point.

I, Jessica, vow to no longer waste money on FRER. And instead stick with my 88c tests from Walmart, or internet cheepies.

I have 2 frer left...so after those, I am over those tests.

WOW....

Well I didn't expect to get the news we got Saturday morning. SIL's husband left her Friday night. Heart is so sad for their marriage. She is trying to get counseling with him, and he refuses. We knew he wasn't happy but never knew he was THAT unhappy. My nephew is broken hearted. He thinks everyone hates him, and doesn't understand why dad is leaving him, and why he doesn't like his mom any more.

Another unexpected....still no AF and one more stupid faint positive on a FRER. I know this one isn't viable, but seriously? I got hcg and progesterone drawn today after telling a friend and she urged me to.

And my doc appt for lump on cervix is Wednesday. Praying it is a cyst. But there is definitely a little knot in my chest.

Blah.

Good news...got an 84% on this first exam in OB today. Really do need to start applying myself and studying though. *sigh*

Stupid Faint Lines

I am done testing I swear. Going to start lovenox until my period starts. That's all I can do. Boo.

2 BFNs (without much hold time) and then a faint BFP with a 9 hour hold. Obviously it probably isn't going to work out but I wish I knew what the heck was going on.

Or a new cycle would start.

Or a test would miraculously get darker.

Darker would be wonderful.

But lets face it. The chances are slim.

Update

Well about the bump(s) on cervix, my doctor said to set up an appointment. So I will be doing that on Monday. Kind of nerve wrecking, do not consult Dr. Google. You will find anything from cervical cancer to cysts.

James has decided to stay at his current job for the time being. We will re-evaluate our situation once I am able to carry the insurance for the family. And I think this current limbo made us really look at the aspects of what he loses and what he gains potentially by switching jobs. Right now the positives weigh in heavier than the negatives.

On the hpt front, I got one that looked faintly faint, and another BFN. SO I am thinking all isn't well. If my period doesn't start soon I won't know what is going on. I am stocked up on pads and tampons. I also have a few more tests as well. I have spent like 25 on pregnancy tests this cycle. Oiy! I just wish for the best outcome, and hope to one day (possibly soon) to see a strong pregnancy test. I bought a 3T Big Brother shirt in hopes of getting to share the news one day. I bought it in 3T, and will not fret if I have to buy one in a smaller size!!

Anyways, I am pooped and my bed is calling me! :-)

Prayers

Lord my heart feels so big tonight. You are utterly amazing. This semester for school I get to see your new miracles as they transition into this world. From ones that are just hatched, to ones that are getting ready to go home with their mommy and daddy. It makes me giddy. It makes my heart swell with how amazing you are to be able to form such a miracle that starts out so tiny and ends up growing into this cuddly little baby.

How amazing is that? Even if you chose to not let us experience another viable healthy pregnancy, I would still be so amazed by the journey from conception to delivery. I cannot help but wish, and hope, and pray for this pregnancy. As light of lines as they are, the nausea I experienced after taking my prenatal before testing, the bloating, extra peeing, and the now sore nipples let me know you are at work once again in my body.

And just as you know every desire of my heart. Just as you know when I lie down, and when I get up. Just as you know the plans for my life. Your know the plans for this little guy as well. You know how long his heart will beat, if he will get to breath a breath of life, and if James and I will get to see his tiny little body and snuggle him close. You know what is best for all of us, and I just pray that this journey to growing our family is perfect for what you have planned for us. May you guide us and protect us, and also allow us to do the same to our future children and Matthew.

I love you Lord. And as often as I go to the bathroom to check to see if I am spotting, I pray that you keep that doubt and worry away from me as you are here with me and our baby. Help me to cherish every moment that we have with this little one, and find joy in this pregnancy, even if the days are short.

Please allow my hopes and desires to be matched with yours and allow us to be greeting a new bundle of joy to our family within the next 9 months. Matthew loves babies, and he would love to have a baby brother or sister.

Protect this baby, and help him grow to his full potential. Help me to make smarter eating choices and to take it easy on myself as this fatigue takes over me!

I only ask these things and say thank you for it all because I know that you listen to my heart, you answer impossible prayers, and you and your Son are SO much bigger than any fear or worry I could be having.

Caved.

Well I tested again last night couldn't tell if it was positive or indent. Thinking I am just feeling negative because with 6 losses not feeling very optimistic. Well...definitely there is a pink faint line.

So I peed this morning, and going to test with my last 88c test with my SMU.

I checked my cervix and it is firm, but the weird bumps are back. Planning on emailing my OB to see what she wants me to do. Probably should get them checked out even though I am betting they are cysts.

Lots of things up in the air here lately....

Will report back later.
*************

Well my post never posted so guess it is all going to be in one. I tested and there is a damn shadow. So whoooo knows? Not I. I am going to go shower go to town for dog food, and buy a few more tests. Then I have to drop off clothes to my friend for her daughter that I got yesterday.

And then go to clinical. Boo. But maybe I will get to see another baby be born!!

Stupid FRER

I only bought the FRER because I was at Meijer and they don't have the cheapies that Walmart does. And they were a price drop, and a coupon on the 3 pack box.

So where there once was a line...there is not. Granted I always get better lines in the evening, BUT I am looking at the dried line now and it is lighter in the center so it could be an evap.

FML.

I have one area left and debating about doing it tonight or tomorrow morning.

Blah. So it is still up in the air.

Possibly, maybe?

Def not a BFP, but it is a BFL. Big FAINT Line. The picture doesn't do it justice.

Waiting to call it until I test tomorrow morning or the following morning.

Crampy, but not AF

So sick of this. I wish my period would regulate. Fairly certain it is not ovulation, as opks barely have lines. Fairly certain not pregnant, as I do not think I ovulated. And pretty darn certain my body is giving me issues getting back to normal.

Those that breastfed, how long did it take your cycle to get back to "normal"?

Zombie Mode

I am EXHAUSTED. Like last night I was so tired I felt drunk. James looks at me and says, "Are you pregnant?" Honestly, not a clue. So today will be buying a test to at least rule that out. My period was due yesterday, but I don't think I have even ovulated, and if I did I definitely missed all of the signs. So who really knows. As much as I would be excited to have another baby, at this point I don't know how well I would function on the exhaustion, plus school, plus teething boy, you get the picture.

In reality I think it is Mr. Matthew's teething and the wanting to wake up at 130am to play/be crabby. And the every 2 hours beyond that. I let him cry himself to sleep, followed by getting him bc he was crying, and then putting him down at 145 because he wouldn't fall back asleep. He cried off and on for 20-30 minutes. Felt horrid. But I need sleep.

The Rest of the 9 Month Photos!

I have been kind of leery about posting photos since the vanzant family has had an issue with people posting her pictures of her babies on instagram and claiming them to be her own twins! (WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!)

BUT I am still going to share, idiots please don't claim to be the mother to my miracle baby son.

End rant.

SOOOO here they are!! I put them in a collages to save time. If you know me personally and are in our area, they are all by Memories Portrait Studios. Michelle and Lynette do amazing with taking pictures of kids!!

Considerations

Being at the clinical site I am at this semester I really believe is God breathed. As much as I grumbled about the drive, and how one of the floors is not updated decoratively or even on the same floor as the laboring and delivering moms....it has truly been a blessing.

There are midwives in the hospital. Just as prominent as the doctors. They have the tele monitors that allow induced moms to move around, get in the tubs (that are in every room), and they endorse Kangaroo Care (where the baby is placed immediately on the mom's chest from delivery, goopy and everything. And not removed for an HOUR before they do weight or measure length. This is for premies as well as long as they are not in respiratory distress). They also allow Dads to catch the baby if he wishes. And the kangaroo care is implemented on c-section moms as well (as long as staffing allows a nursery nurse to stay with mom, and if they do not have the staffing dad is encouraged to do skin to skin in a separate room in the nursery).

They are also shooting to go baby friendly. Meaning no formula provided by the hospital at all. I want to get their breastfeeding rates. And c-section rates. Because I am betting they will be lower than most other places. Woo you should see the heated discussions about this online! And about breastfeeding in general. Breast is best. Period. I do understand there are circumstances that do not allow for breastfeeding to occur, hence in the olden days there were wet nurses. But even though that choose formula should be able to admit, nursing for first thing postpartum to allow the baby to get colostrum is better than nothing.  Not choosing to breastfeed at all when you can without medical reasons getting in the way is honestly kind of selfish in my opinion. Some is better than none!

But there it is I will get off my soap box.

Reason for this post: I feel shorted on my birthing experience. I wish I would have waited to be induced and been kept more closely monitored. I wish I could have gotten into the tub. And I wish our town had midwives in it. Possibly the reason midwives is getting moved to a doctorate program is because I swore when I was younger no matter what I majored in I was going to get my doctorate. God is just pushing me along. And there is a need for midwives in our area.

Maybe I need to be the change I wish to see. Jessica, CMW and avid breast feeding endorser (possible Lactation consultant as well!!)

Dreaming big here folks. I cannot wait to help deliver a baby.

Bump

First my sister let me know the picture didn't post yesterday, it should be there today!

Secondly, it is SO hard leaving the house at 530 to drop Matthew off to my mom's by 6 so I can make it to work at 630. He looks at me and cries when I move him and struggles to reach for me as I am putting him in his car seat. Breaks my heart. I don't think God intended for us to have to be working mom's lol. On that note, I do love my job but would love it even more if I could work 9-5.

And finally the reason of this post, I have a lumpy bump behind my right ear. Pretty sure it is swollen lymph node, but it is sore from me touching it so much. Friend that is into hollistic care said it feels plugged, and showed me how to massage it. Pretty sure that made it worse. Have been applying tea tree oil in case it is just a pimple that is deep and doesn't have a head yet.

If it doesn't go away by Friday, I am calling my doctor because of two reasons. 1) I know a lady that discovered her lymphoma by watching a swollen lymph node. 2) Mom confirmed for me that my cousin M (the one that lived with us for awhile) also had this happen (in the same spot) and they removed it to biopsy to make sure it wasn't cancer.

So there you have it, small fear for a big God, right? Oiy! The thoughts from this could go a thousand different ways. And you can imagine many of them would make me sad to think about. But I am choosing joy and believing this bump is going to go away.

9 months old

This comes a little late, as he is now 9.5 months old. But alas, I have done photos newborn, 3, 6, and now 9 months. Will do more at 12 months. And then probably 18 months as well.

Anyways. Our little butterball started army crawling like 3 weeks ago, then a week ago figured out regular crawling, but dragging one of his legs instead of using both (I actually asked James if he thought he needed PT it looked so funky). NOW he has started bear crawling at times, and has figured out how to quickly crawl using both knees to propel himself. He is pulling himself up on things and letting go and just standing there for a couple of seconds before he freaks out and remembers hey I'm not holding onto anything, or loses his balance.

He now says momma, Dada, attempts to say jack and is now meowing back at the cats. It is so gosh darn cute! He also loves to dance. He shakes his head and does liked full body thrusts lol. I have been trying to teach him to wave his arms while dancing, but instead he usually dances more or claps at me. He will wave bye-bye to daddy and occasionally to others, but not momma...it makes him too sad when I leave!

He will eat anything under the son, even though he only has 2 bottom teeth. I gave him a piece of red pepper to chew on and he bit chunks off and ate them much to my surprise. And was "nummmm, ummmm, nummm"-ing the whole time. I have allowed him to try ice cream, he is hilarious with a cone. My sister says he is going to suffocate himself in the ice cream by the way he face plants into the vanilla deliciousness. I told her I have never heard of death by ice cream cone ;-)

I should clarify before I talk about his weight, I do not give him excessive amounts of sweets or table foods in general. He still is breast fed, and when with me sometimes he skips eating anything for lunch and just nurses instead. So I am NOT overfeeding my son, and yes I know "he is such a big boy" I get this from everyone at first when they see him, except for women that have breast fed their babies and say "oh he reminds me of my son at that age!"

OK got that off my shoulders, I weighed him last Friday. By doing the whole me hold him weigh us, then weigh myself. It said he weighed 29lbs exactly!! I was SHOCKED. We thought he was maintaining, but must be he just grew some. I have this little butterball turkey that loves his momma SO much!

This is the only picture we have gotten to see from our photo shoot, so more will be to come...every time I look at it I am amazed by how blue his eyes are!

My Crazy Cycle

Well no worries about shortened LP really because CD17 and ovulation hasn't happened yet. Pretty sure my cycles are just going to be wonky. It is what it is. Have been exhausted lately so I am thinking my cycles don't really know what in the heck they want to do!

Which honestly is fine by me.

Finances are cruddy at the moment, and James is so very unhappy with his position at work.

His boss has at least one inappropriate photo on the work computer (that they both use), we suspect a drinking problem, and he talks crap about James one minute but then confirms the company would struggle without him. *palm to face*

They gave him a raise and a promotion. His boss acted like it was WONDERFUL. Too much even. But then we find out after all of James's overtime (he works 45-50 hours a week) he still makes 25,000 less than his boss. And the only difference is Manager and Assistant Manager. Not much difference in responsibility. Just boggles my mind the whole situation.

SO he is applying for another position elsewhere that would allow him to jump in both feet to selling produce and being out in the fields like his heart yearns for.

Wow, that was really off my original topic but all is well.

Hope you are having a wonderful day!!

Baby Fever

Oiy, baby fever and clinical hasn't even started yet. Reading about babies and things to do with labor and delivery...oh my.

I would love to get pregnant. To go through another normal pregnancy, but this time with the ability to go into labor at home, by myself. To experience my water breaking, without it being broke. Being able to labor without monitors for awhile to see if I could deliver without epidural.

Not that the epidural was bad, being unable to move much...it was WONDERFUL. It allowed me a nap.

I am still waiting to ovulate. And sex has been unplanned but happening pretty much every other day since Matthew is now in his own crib for the beginning of the night. Which is quite lovely. Sex in our bed whenever we want....quite fantastic :-)

On the weight front, I am down to 202.8 from 208 (yes I had gained...). Really need to lose that last 10lbs. And quickly because an alert resident at work asked me when my baby was due. lol :-O granted I had tons of things in my pockets. But still. At least I can say oh my son is 9 months old instead of feeling sad and responding, "nope no baby here."

I hope to use this baby fever to be what pushes me to get back to counting calories and my biggest loser DVDs. And jogging.

Before snow flies or the leaves turn colors.

On other note, Matthew is now 9 months old. He is 26lbs, he can crawl, pull himself up, and walk around holding onto the couch, his table toy, etc. He is growing up too quickly. His hair on another hand, is determined to not grow. :-) but his eyes are determined to stay blue. He is beautiful, though he is cranky quite often when not being entertained.

Here is my butterball.

Dreams

I have had some outrageous dreams late. One was quite erotic and very strange. But another? Another was us being successful with our produce business and with me working as a nurse we were able to pay off ALL of our debt. So much so that we asked James's family if they wanted to go on vacation together and offered to help those that needed it, and pay for his parents. What a joy to do such a thing would be1

Dreams. James and I have been talking about our vision for the farm's 22 acres, and what we wish to do with it. Sweet corn (which btw if left unwatered doesn't turn out as sweet), an acre of tomatoes, I would love fruit trees (peaches, apples, and pears) and maybe some nut trees (pecan and walnut), and then a variety of other fruits and veggies: green beans, potatoes, cucumbers, squash, pumpkins, zucchini, onions, broccoli, berries, etc. Then there is the possibility of livestock (we would do pigs, cows, and chicken most likely). Of James quitting his job to sell produce, opening a little cafe/bakery/market to sell produce.

Dreams. My youngest sister has now begun letting me know that 'Matthew is going to need a little sister to play with soon.' I would LOVE to give that to him, maybe 2 little sisters, and 1 little brother :-) and then foster care. James and I dream of a big house, not 19 kids and counting big, but 4+ big. I know financially that seems scare, and quite frankly almost impossible with my complications. BUT not impossible, because anything is possible with God.

Dreams. I had thought about it, but James spoke it first. Of fixing up our current home, but not adding on as we had talked when we were in agreement it was our forever home. Our dream is to buy acreage (for hunting, produce, and livestock) and build a house on it, to our liking. And since we want many kids you can imagine the size. I would love to be self-sufficient for the most part as well.

Dreams. Of being a L&D nurse. A Lactation Consultant. An advocate for my patients. Of seeing miracles be born. And possibly delivering one myself one day if I choose to become a midwife. Oh to dream!

I had dreamt of my sister-in-laws and myself being pregnant at the same time. J & His wife are done having kings. E & A are pregnant right now (with gender u/s in less than 2 weeks), L & J are ttc right now, and James and I are in limbo due to the shortened LP I just experienced. I would LOVE to be pregnant at the same time as A & L, I hope God can orchestrate that for all of us! A is due in January. So for us to get pregnant in October or November would be wonderful!! :-)

Oiy. Dreams of working 3rd shift again. LOL I like 1st because I see the residents awake, I get to spend evenings awake with my family, BUT if we choose to do public school and James is doing produce I may choose to go back to nights. I function just as well. I like the lack of drama. My body is conditioned to have minimal sleep , and broken up too. But this of course would be once we are for sure done having babies and the kids are older. But I really do miss it. Lets face it, I am not much of a morning person.

Anyways, speaking of mornings....I have to work and it is almost time. So I will write more later :-)

First Real AF.

Well I am smack dab in the midst of cramping...my uterus hates mes at the moment! I was SO spoiled not having a real period for 18 months. (Yes, Matthew is 9 months old already, how has that happened?!). And after this period, I REALLY NEED to change my eating habits.

I have successfully eaten a whole jar of nuttella with a bag of pretzels this week.

And probably a quarter of a bag of white chocolate chips.

Oiy! Just put me down all ready! Haha. James just got done with a 3 day detox and lost TEN pounds. He says he isn't shaving his beard until he loses a hundred pounds. Well he is a tenth of a way there I suppose!

I need to lose weight, desperately. Maybe then my LP will go back to the beautiful 14 days it used to be. Instead of the 9ish one it was this time. I wouldn't mind keep ovulation earlier in the cycle though!!

I think it is time to start back up Weight Loss Wednesday.

Good bye nuttella, hello red peppers, and Bob Harper :-)

Spotting

Well AF might show up a few days early! I O'd earlier than pre-Matthew. And now it appears I have started spotting 9dpo. Oh well hopefully my cycle will work itself back out to "normal" after a few cycles! :-)

4 Years Have Flown Bye!

How is it that 4 years have flown past already? 8/15/2009 I married my best friend. It was one of the best days of my life. We didnt know what God had in store for us but we knew we loved each other and were committed to spend the rest of our lives together.

We have only done something big for our anniversary one year. Our 2nd anniversary we went to Mackinaw Island. We have been too broke the rest of the years lol ONE day we will go on a true fancy honeymoon. :-)

Like maybe once I am done with nursing school.

We have started making plans for next year's anniversary so it isnt a flop again, like tonight James is at a bachelor party for a wedding he is in Saturday (I still have nothing to wear that is compatible with nursing...).

Our plans? We never wrote our own vows. I told James I want to dress up, go out to eat, maybe a weekend away, and at some point read each other our vows to each other. I am super excited, too bad it is a year away ;-)

I will leave you with some pictures of our wedding, and a picture of our family then and now :-)

Ovulating still?

After feeling cramping like o pain on right side yesterday morning. I feel the same thing but on my LEFT side. Decide to do another oak to see the one below. This has never happened to me before. I always had to oak 2x a day to catch my ovulation.

Super crazy body idk what is going on....it's like I ovulated from both sides, but 24 hours apart which I know is SUPER unlikely. But crazy. Speaking of crazy body I was also checking my cervix and noticed I have a couple lumps on it. Not sure what that is about online says cyst most likely but if it doesn't go away this Chicago will be going to the GYN to get checked out.

Anywhoo....this mornings opk....

Ovulation!

Felt like I was ovulating this morning took opk tonight and sure enough....positive without a doubt. Not having sex, last time we had sex was Sunday. So while we could still get pregnant, I am not going to worry either way. Now I kind of wonder if the spotting I had really was a cycle...it was SO light though!!!

Lacking....and Rambling updates

Lately I have been feeling quite blah.

Pretty sure it is because we are lacking in so many areas right now.

From the time I spend with God (or the lack Sundays that I have been able to attend church due to working Sundays...)

To the lack of exercise.

Lack of financial stability (really needing to pick up shifts and get on a strict budget).

To lack of time together alone with James.

Lack of motivation to eat healthy again.

You get the picture. Just exhausted with life. On verge of feeling slightly depressed. Not feeling good about body image. Just blaah.

Things need to change. No more pumpkin spice marshmallows (which are delicious BTW), no more caffeine, no more candy bars, or late night snacks. We need to make smarter choices. No more NCIS marathon sitting on our butts, we need to get out and exercise, pick up the biggest loser DVDs and get active. This fat needs to go.

James has been depressed basically since Matthew was born. He tried to curb not telling me what he had been struggling with by eating food. Eating food made him gain weight making him more depressed. He tried for 2 weeks to lose weight, it usually melts off...this time he lost 2 lbs.

That only made him feel less confident in himself. He is up 30 lbs right now. Clothes aren't fitting right any more but with work he is struggling to make the time to exercise. And finances make it hard to eat healthy at times.

But the excuses need to fade away, right along with our fat. His dad is going through a 6 month journaling time to prepare for gastric bipass. He has struggled with his weight since I have known James. Diet after diet, nothing has worked. He really doesn't eat badly, and he is active for a man his size. He is not the stereotypical fat person. He weighs close to 500lbs. Basically our family doctor told him it is his genetics, there is no other weight loss plan he could put him on.

So now we are kind of fearing if James doesn't get a grip on it soon he will be down the same path. And if that is what he is going to have to do to maintain a healthy weight we would almost rather it be done sooner rather than later so he doesn't ruin his joints.

I always kind of thought bipass was the fat persons lazy way out. But truly it isn't. It is for some, and for others (like James's dad) it is a last resort because he wants to be around to watch his grandchildren grow up. And we want him around. It will be crazy to see the weight melt off him in the next year.

I just hope it is melting off James and I as well during the process, that or my belly is round with a baby growing inside of it :-). Either way, I want to be jogging 5ks here pretty soon and continue through our next pregnancy.

Oh and an update on the sweetcorn? We have made back seed money. And we still have a quarter of an acre that isn't ready. Next year James is going to plant somewhere from 1.5-2 acres up from the 1/2 that we planted today, and we haven't talked to my mom but we hope to do a garden over at her place. Because I think she would help us with upkeep, and as much as I am over there with Matthew it would be more plausible than doing it down to James's parents house.

Anyways, exam time is almost here. I have to get at least a 30% to pass the class. I didn't really study and decided if I failed then I deserve to fail...but hoping and believing I am going to pass :-)

Final Decision

So AF still hasn't showed up. I am somewhere between 30-40 days post my shot. We were only going to wait one cycle. A cycle is usually 32 days for me.

So therefore...I am done with condoms and the POAP (pull out and pray) methods. If we get pregnant then it was God's will. If we don't I am okay with that as well.

Not trying. Not preventing. Feels good to have you back.

I don't want to turn crazy TTC woman again. So this is a better fit. I know some people wait 3 months post methotrexate, but I have taken so much additional folic acid, I only had one shot, I feel as if all will be well.

I am wondering if the stress has been keeping AF away, and sometimes wonder if I am not going to have a period very soon due to breast feeding. Or if it will show up soon due to the fact that I have cramps.

Who knows? I just give up control and believe He is going to lead us to have the size of a family we are supposed to

So I keep waitin', waitin' on AF to come...

It's hard to believe that after 17 wonderful months of no periods I am waiting for af to show up STILL. It is 8weeks post mtx shot...tomorrow.

I had spotting last week thursday, and then enough another day I thought FOR SURE this is it.

Nope.

Crampy off and on. And then tonight I had different discharge....like the gummy looking cm. Bewildered.

Boo.

It will show up and surprise me soon I am sure.

Negative hpt and STILL nothing

AF is avoiding me still. Brown spotting, then nothing. Then brown spotting. Then nothing. Cramps. Then nothing. You get the picture. I am 40 days out from my shot, and 22 days past hcg officially being below 5. I could have up to another 2 weeks before AF shows up if the 4-6 weeks is the standard post mtx shot.

Or longer if breast feeding is impeding ovulation and such.

Or maybe God is making the cycle longer because they recommend anywhere from 1-3 months, or 100 days post mtx shot. If it was another 2 weeks that would put me at 54, plus 16 days (old O days) that is 70 days, and for me that is close enough to stop preventing actively.

Life Stressors

Sometimes life gets too crazy to even function. Like a car with dirty spark plugs, you sputter around not functioning at full capacity.

That has been me lately. But add a cracked windshield, tons of trash, baby items, school crap, and dog hair on the inside and you will have my car. Same for my husband's car but add a muffler that makes you think motorcycle is coming vs a car and delete the school junk...

Our house? It has been inhabitable for some. I hadn't vacuumed in a month. My floor was missing beneath baby clothes, laundry sitting in baskets ready to be folded, and dog hair. Kitchen counters hidden beneath dirty dishes. Table hidden beneath mail. You get the picture.

I got fired from work for my tardies that had accumulated. And then re-hired for pool (per diem). Which means: a 16c raise, no benefits (we only had dental and life), and no more union dues.

Then that day I got fired I left my key on in my car (turned so I could listen to the radio....idk what in the world I was thinking). And it sat there...for 2 days. Until dead. Dead dead. Like the day we jumped it that night it sat smoking and smelling like sulfur when we got home. The next day just to take it down to James's dad's it was boiling. We are lucky it didn't blow up. Yup go me.

So while things are in ruins (car, house, finances, etc), I start to slowly realize how much we are missing God in our home. I have leaned on God for school, and it is the one area going decently well.

So I have to start leaning on Him more, and giving him more praise and coming to him with an open heart and pour out of myself so HE can fill me up and give me whatever it is I need.

The corn sales allowed us to have the money for the battery. Praise GOD!
We have a month until my refund check, that will allow us to catch up on bills. Thank the Lord.
I have a job!
We have Matthew, whom by the way is getting big WAY too fast.

I have realized I think I was in more of a funk, after the bump in our relationship back in February. I hadn't laughed as much as usual. Things have been slipping away from me. Just overwhelmed with life.

But all will be well as I lean on God and find me some rest.

Bills will still be there, but I can pray that the sweet corn sells quickly and leaves us with a good profit!

AF still hasn't arrived and I am itching to TTC again, but we are going to leave it up to God's timing so our wishes will *hopefully* match up with his bettor. One day of spotting, now great occasional brown. Blah

Anyways, I need to catch some actual rest. Sorry if jambled, exhausted

Taunting...

AF is teasing me. I spotted yesterday morning and then nada. I still have the whole rest of the day ahead of me, but quite frustrating.

Homework is killing this weekend slowly.

But this little bundle of joy is the reminder that all is well.

Hallelujah!

Houston we have spotting! As long as AF starts up full force James and I are saying adios condoms. I will start using opks again on CD10, but as long as AF is here tomorrow I am back to my 32 day long cycles. Which I am okay with.

I must have missed ovulation with the opks , here I was thinking I hadn't ovulated yet. Unless this is an annovulatory cycle...either way it is my 1st one post ectopic, so I will take it!!

:-) :-)

Now to decide w/finances the way they are if we want to TTC, continue NTNP or what....boo.

Overwhelmed

The end of the semester is here. We are down to the last 2 weeks. 3 exams, 2 clinical preps, concept map, a data base, finish up my assignment from missing clinical, 3 quizzes for med-surge, 1 for pharm ....*sigh*

Then there is....
Trying to clean the house.
Matthew.
The sweet corn we are selling.
Bills that need to be paid.
Getting terminated from work this week at some point.
That darn OPK that won't turn positive (edit....not to jinx it but it has turned darker than in the past month, and I am feeling especially frisky).

You can get the picture. Exhausted. Overwhelmed. Stressed to the max. Candle burning at both ends....

And I want to add to this craziness exercise and eating healthier. Not  feeling good at ALL about my body image. Or the fact that tonight the scale told me I weighed 206. Wth happened?

Can I just crawl into my bed and stay there awhile? Or maybe a vacation away (to a place that takes monopoly money because we are BROKE).

Boo. Bed for bonzo, work in the morning (possibly for the last time for a while, unless they hire me back as pool like I would love! Say a prayer for this to happen!)

Negative opks STILL

I seriously am about to give up on these darn opks, because if I am not ovulating then I don't need to worry about getting pregnant. They said 1-2 months to wait. On the 1 month mark goodbye condoms, and opks. I will try using them again after AF shows up again.

No reason stressing about whether or not ovulating.

Though I am feeling anxious about the possibility of needing another hsg...do not have the $ for that at the moment!

Work was hell today...so much puke and poop. Desperately in need of a shower when I get home, I feel so growdy.

On the topic of work Thursday or Friday I will be jobless. This time they are right. I have been stretched too thin lately. One tardy was due to my mom not waking up in the morning, and she is the one who watches Matthew! So I had to try waking her up from outside, because her door was locked and I didn't have a key. THEN Thursday I was doing fine on time and I thought I had everything with me: homework, pens, pump, and walkie, pager, and badge in the pump bag. I decided to check in bag when almost to my mom's....no badge. Obviously I missed picking it up and putting it in James's bag when stuff fell out of it Sunday when I drove HIS car. So that was ANOTHER tardy.

Just over it, I want pool anyways, so I am just hoping and praying they give it to me. If not I will be turning in many many applications.

Maybe stress is delaying ovulation. I know it is causing me to eat too many sweets and watching my weight go up again....bleh.

Opks

Seriously, I cannot sleep tonight. Toss turn. Weird dreams. So I get up and stare at my opks. Maybe I missed ovulation. Maybe I'm not going to ovulate.

Maybe I should just stop using them until AF comes back and stop wasting my time and money.

I looked back on the cycle I took cytotec, I ovulated about 10 days after hcg was 5.6, so if I say 11 days after 8.4 this time around, I should have already ovulated. This is an pic from a few days ago, I have since added the few days tests and dated them....but alas here they are. Don't mind my dirty sink.

And since your are ignoring the sink I will share a few pictures of Matthew. :-) ignore the fact that when we are brushing our teeth (well, him his gums) together I am in a towel, his smile is too dang cute not to share!

School update and OPKs

School....well school is going okay still. Passing pharm with somewhere between an 85 and a 90%. I for sure can do dosage calc, and know how to read a drug book so I am a competent nurse in that aspect! Med-surge is something else. Professor isn't my favorite. She says things like dia-freaking-betes, and then preaches on professionalism as she says hell and bitch in class.  Oh well getting an 86% in that class.

Then we got on the topic of our new testing policy because the school is trying to get NLN accredited. They want the teachers across the board to base grades off from 96% exams and quizzes and 4% other extra points. Our med-surge class is like this. We have had to do 4-5 case studies taking anywhere from 2-4 hours on each, plus a group presentation...and all of that equals like 3-4% of our grades. Those are hours away from studying and only worth 4%. Craziness! :-/ not looking forward to the rest of my nursing education at this school due to this.

OPKs....I started doing them 4 days ago. Later than I wanted because I kept forgetting them in the diaper bag that I leave at my mom's. Soooo they started out darker and are not pretty faint. Not sure if I already Oed or what. :-S I have done 2 a day, once in am, and once in pm. To make sure I don't miss O time and avoid sex the next 48 hours (we are using condoms but need to be safe!).

Anyways, my Sister-in-Law A is indeed pregnant and already has a cute baby bump at 12 weeks. She was afraid to tell me due to our loss, but I am so glad my MIL slipped up and told me, not knowing and seeing her belly might have been a bit more rough. But we are overjoyed and so excited for them! Matthew could use a little playmate. :-)

Speaking of playmates, James and I are hoping to look at finances in Sept to decide if we want to actively ttc or continue ntnp or preventing by avoiding ovulation time. Maybe Matthew will have a playmate in 2014, because I hate condoms. And will not be using them after this month. I have upped my folic acid to about 5mg from 4mg to make sure it is getting replenished, with the MTHFR not absorbing as well and MTX shot depleting supply I want to make sure we will be good on that front.

That's pretty much all that is new in our lives. Minus teething booger, wish they would pop through all ready! He is SOOOO cranky!!

Darn Hormones.

Been tearing up at everything lately. I think my body is trying to find it's old normal. Going to start doing opks tomorrow, thought it may be late. I may be closer to ovulation (or ovulating, though I havent felt crampy) than thought.

I go from tearing up about everything to wanting James and even having erotic dreams about having sex with him...holy cow. I don't even usually dream.

But then there is the heat and a baby that is trying to talk his teeth into moving through his gums...cranky/irritable mama right here. Matthew has had a low grade fever. But we only noticed it when we were really home enough to hang out in our ac, no wonder he has been cranky all week. The heat + a fever? Poor buddy.

Anyways, sleep needs to be calling. But might use my 5 lives on candy crush before catching some zzzz....even though I have to leave home at 530 to get to my mom's and get to work on time. (Shoot me now....)

OPKs and BBT

My goal was to start doing OPKs and bbt as soon as my hcg got down to >5. HA! My goal also was to start jogging. But here in Michigan it is now like 90s and this fat chic isn't going to start jogging quite yet. AND it has been all about nursing school and whiney baby in our household.

Plus I keep forgetting to grab the OPKs out of diaper bag. And I keep leaving it at my mom's because I there isn't a point to bring it home and then back every day.

Oh and I also forgot to mention my hcg came back at 2, so bring on the bolus of folic acid. Haha more like handfulls of pills, OJ, and spinach salads :-) need to get folic acid built back up in my system, because I can only forsee us using condoms for a month.

I need to use opks soon though bc today I had weird brown spotting. And then nothing. So who knows where I am truly at in my cycle.

Anyways. Hotter than Moses in the desert in our house (just looked and it read 84 which isnt horrid, but it is also 11pm and I didnt have windows open at all today) and I am contemplating doing homework now vs in morning so I should probably find motivation. Before joining Matthew and James in the ac in our bedroom (praise Jesus that SIL and BIL bought it for us last year).

We All Fall Short

I posted the below on my family blog. Couldn't sleep last night, so I had to write.

We all fail. We all fall down. We all fall short, desperately short, from deserving God's mercy and blessings.

But that is the great thing about our God. He sent His son Jesus to bridge that gap. Allowed Him to die on the cross to make up for where we are weak. Where the sin is blackening our lives. Even though we don't deserve it, God's love and mercy is there waiting for us to acknowledge it.

As Christian's, especially young Christians, you tend to believe following Christ is all rainbows and butterflies. Love, mercy, and blessings. God is love, after all. Then life happens. A muffler falls off your car. Or you fail a class. Or maybe you simply have a really cruddy day. And you feel the Son's light shining a little less. You face miscarriage after miscarriage, and bitterness creeps into your heart. As you wonder why us? Why me God? Can't ONE thing in my life go EASY for ONCE?!

Then there is Job.

He lost his children. His herds and flocks. And His wife doesn't stand behind him. His health falters. But never his faith. Never once does he curse God. Not once does he lose his sight on God.

I got told one day by a dear friend that in the midst of the craziness of our infertility I was like a female version of Job. And while I wish I could own that, it hasn't been true. Because I did question my faith. I was so bitter. Angry. I fell short.

The same week I got told by another friend that I was one that life couldn't ruin. And it made me cry. Because some times I do feel so flawed. So broken. But also I feel blessed to be the woman God has helped shape me to be. So thankful that during my childhood he was there even before I knew him. That he protected me when I denied his existence.

Because friends...I can tell you in my life just as God was there protecting me I have no doubt that Satan's army were right there trying to deconstruct the foundations of what Christ had built in me.

I hear songs like "Beauty from Pain" by Barlow Girl, or "Waiting Room" by Johny Dias, or "Waiting Here for You" and it brings me back to the pain I felt as I poured my heart out to God during the midst of our loses. And it reminds me of not only how short I truly fall most of the times. But also how blessed we are to go through those struggles. That God saw us fit enough to wade through those dark times and know that we would still choose him.

I bought a book by Roy Lessin on my walk to Emmaus, titled Today is Your Best Day. I love this quote.

"You may be going through a very difficult time today, but that does not mean this is your worst day. God will use the difficulty to produce precious things within you that you will treasure in days to come. There may be pressures in your day, but God uses pressure to form diamonds. There may be a fiery trial in your day, but God uses fire to purify gold. There may an irritant in your day, but God uses irritants to create pearls. If you are in need of comfort today, God will bring His comfort to you, and the comfort you receive will help you comfort someone tomorrow."

The pressures in our lives created a diamond, his name is Matthew.
The fiery trials in our lives created a purification, of our hearts towards God and each other.
The irritants in our lives created pearls, called true intimacy.
The comforts we have received from God, have been used already to comfort others. As I am sure they will continue.

And we are so blessed. Not by this world's standards. But by God's. And we all know this world falls desperately short of the glory of God.

Hcg update

From 466 to...8.6!! :-) almost cleared. Bring on truck loads of folic acid and my prenatal vitamin.

And sex with condoms bleck. LOL only for 2 months. Thank goodness.

Also bring on the exercise, and weight loss. By the end of August I WILL weigh 192 (or less). My weight is flopping between 201 and 199. Have saw 204 in the evenings. Bleh.

On a more exciting front, I pumped 10oz in one setting again! Supply is back! Woot woot!

Water + lactation cooks work. Probably helps that hcg was dropping as well.

Been exhausted lately thinking it is hormonal. Boo.

Anyways I have to run I have work this morning at 630 meaning I have to leave at 530 to drop Matthew off at my mom's. Loooong day ahead.

Dare I say it....?

No bleeding for 24 hours....could it be? Will I jinx it if I do? I know I will probably spot again. But for now I am daring to say it....I could be DONE with this miscarriage process and what could be considered my first AF postpartum.

I get my hcg drawn today. And then *hopefully* my numbers will be so significantly low I might only have to get 1 more blood draw if another is necessary. Might be being too hopeful but meh, it is what it is! :-)

On another note how do you use your opks post miscarriage? Do you start about 10 days after hcg reaches 0, or about 10 after you stop bleeding? In the past I haven't ovulated until at least CD 14, but usually more like 16-18. Clomid cycles 20. I also need to find my bbt thermometer and try figureing out my fertilityfriend.com password/username. It has been FOREVER since I have used the account.

We might be breaking the rules about waiting to have sex tonight so I probably should go buy a pack of condoms and clear our drawer of the expired ones.

I am excited to be back to TTC soon. And I think that is crazy of me to say with the hellish path we had to take to get Matthew. But I look at his face, and it makes all the pain and heartache melt away and remind me that it was so worth him.

Matthew eating mandarin oranges for the first time! He LOVED them! :-)

Exhaustion

I am pooped. Tired beyond belief. And not really in the mood for much of anything. Irritable and quite frankly bitchy.

And I cannot shake it. Thinking I need good sleep. And a break from school. Like the one coming in the middle of August.

Ready for my hcg to be down to zero so I can 1) have sex and 2) exercise to get some endorphins flowing through my body. How's that for honesty?

But also these cramps that are killing me tonight can go away. Didnt bleed all last night. Today during middle of exam the cramps started back up. With clots. Again. Tonight I caved and took an ibuprofen. Not supposed to but I did. I got my liver function blood work (and cbc) done today so I suppose I will know in the morning if I screwed my body up worse. I couldnt just take tylenol with these bloody cramps (haha).

Anyways bed time, or attemptive bed time for this little family. James and Matthew are sleeping. These cramps are keeping me away. Ugh!

P.S. spell check isnt working at the moment on my phone and I am pooped so forgive me for any possible spelling errors or gramatical mistakes.

Vent

Quick vent. On circumcision. I understand some people think it is inhumane or something, but seriously I wouldn't jump down someone's throat about it.

We circumcised Matthew, but it doesn't make us bad parents. Or poorly educated. In biblical times they did it, with a flint knife, without pain medication on adult men. So for Pete's sake if I have it done to my son when he is young and won't remember the pain? I understand it is his body. But I doubt he is going to say "mom I wish you wouldn't have had me circumcised." He looks like his father.

Just like I don't judge women for getting an abortion. I wouldn't ever choose it for myself, and it makes me want to cry and feel sick to my stomach over the fact women choose it. But I am not in their shoes and I cannot tell you what they are thinking or feeling. yet, I do think they should have to have an ultrasound first.

End vent.

I have a test today and I am on minimal sleep. So I am feeling quite bitchy.

Add hormones and the mama bear in me....you get the picture.