Where Paranoia and Faith Meet

I keep thinking I am going to start bleeding any time now....crampy feel wet. Run to bathroom wipe.

Nothing. Maybe some brown. But otherwise. Nothing.

Paranoia.

I am even going to buy some more tests. This is ridiculous. Why can I not relax like other pregnant women?!?!

To top it off I thought the pharmacy closed at 10. Nope 9. So now before class tomorrow I need to pick up my lovenox, and call about getting a refill on my blood pressure medicine. Because I ran out after this morning and didnt reallize til after doctor called that my refills were out as well.

Then this evening I sneezed and it hurt, bad...near my uterus. And my first thought was, "Don't dislodge baby!" Ridiculous really....

*sigh*

Then when doing a quick run in for tilapia (for our dog...) and the 88c pregnancy tests I get side tracked.

Baby clothes.

Where faith comes into play. I bought 2 onesies. One says, "Grandpa's little fishing buddy" and the other says, "Mommy cranky. Daddy's Not home. Call 1800GRANDMA" I am thinking part of how we tell them.

Faith says we will have these babies in our arms in December.
Faith says there could be twins.
But if there is one, we wont know what we are having til he/she appears in this world so still both onesies are appropriate.

Yes friends. Faith and hope are soaring. If it comes crashing down around me, will you promise to be here to pick me up?

Where faith and paranoia meet. Wanting to run home to poas and check the TP....but also buying onesies.

Oiy.

Pain

My heart hurts.
These cramps hurt....in lower abdomen and lower back.

I dont want to take ibuprofen because the pain feels how my heart feels, I dont want to pretend it never happened. But I hate the reminder...

TMI but I am wearing pads, because with first and second loss they told me to avoid tampons...so I am following suit this time around. And friends, I hate pads, especially when up moving around. And what I hate even worse is sitting on the toilet having cramps, a sudden pain in cervix and then getting to experience nasty freaking clots every time I go potty. It is digusting and pisses me off. I just want a healthy pregnancy.

It is a miracle that all of us ttc have the ability to face another day, another cycle, another loss while still clinging to God and hope.

Today the Bible verse on my phone is from Proverbs (16:3 maybe?) And says something along the line of, Commit your work to the Lord and your plans will be accomplished.

So, I am going to focus on that. It is entirely up to God when we willl have a healthy pregnancy, when we will see another positive test. And when my actions to help lose weight will show up on the scale.

Tonight I will post on Sunday's church service and how it got to me.

I am struggling today, wishing I could have a day to curl up in bed all day and just cry. But I have to go on as nothing has happened because school is so demanding. First Simulation is today. Blah.

My Heart

...it hurts. I really thought this would finally be it. Instead of getting good news today I am experiencing sadness and more tears as I wait to start bleeding.

Life isnt fair people.
Infertility isnt fair.
Pregnancy loss isnt fair.

I dont get God's plan in all of this.

But I kind of got a glimpse of it this morning.

I was talking to Him. Laying in bed, tear stained cheeks and I just said basically said, "I don't get this Lord. I still love you."

"I had to see how you were going to handle it."

And it made me cry. Because I was so far from God not that long ago. Bitter and Sad. I almost stopped believing. Period.

I won't let that divide happen this time. I just feel a glimpse of what Job felt. "The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; but blessed be the Lord."

God wants to make me strong when I am weak. He wants me to lean fully on him through this. And the thing is...I did the most this cycle out of ALL of them thus far. And I thought this one was it.

So now I am in a place...where no we probably won't do IUI because what is the point? I get pregnant every 3-5 months. With the same outcome every time. So why waste out money and time.

James wants us to wait until I have my LPN anyways. So if you know me it is hard being in the NT/NP point, and I cannot imagine doing it for another year. So birth control floats to the front of my mind.

As does giving up. And just starting foster care/adoption process.

Giving up. Yes my friends, 19 months in and I am ready to throw in the towel and just say screw it.

But I won't. And I won't go on birth control. I will have to go with a WTF mentality a blogger friend posted about....Wipe Then Flush. Imediately. No examining for fertile fluid. Not testing until I reach a 35 day cycle. Because earlier intervention doesnt change the outcome. God could have, but didnt. But he can choose to in the future.

Until then, I am D.O.N.E. waisting money on ttc. No more pregnancy tests. No OPKs. No REs for the next year.

But I will tell you something, I am going to look good not ttc. Down 13-14 lbs. 194.8 from 208. I am going to be out of the 190s by the end of the month. And shooting for 180s to be nearing to an end in April.

Then where? A pound a week goal until I reach where I am comfortable and healthy. My BMI is 31.5. I want to be in a healthy range. Which means 150 here I come. 58lbs is my ultimate goal. That is crazy to say. 30% weight loss almost.

And guess what? If I can endure infertility and loss I can edure the "long" journey of weight loss. By this time next year I WILL be in the 150s, as long as God hasn't decided to bless me with a healthy pregnancy by then. It will be tough, but I am a tough cookie. And honestly, losing 13lbs already, I only have 45 to go in 52 weeks. Doable if you ask me.

I was joking with my husband, he has lost 15 lbs or something...me? 13. I told him I can lose weight like a man! lol No joke though, when I put my mind to it...it does seem to melt off like weight does for a man.

I cannot control ttc or the outcome of pregnancy. But I can control my weight and keep my eyes on Jesus. One way or another He will bless me this year. Either with extensive weight loss or a healthy pregnancy (finally). I will celebrate over either.

Proverbs 31

This is the woman I want to be (my comments in this color!) : 

A Wife of Noble Character

 ^10 [b]Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? 
      She is more precious than rubies. Really? I could be that precious.
 ¹¹ Her husband can trust her, 
      and she will greatly enrich his life.
 ¹² She brings him good, not harm, 
      all the days of her life. I really want to make James' life better because I am in it. If I am not building him up, I am breaking him down. I want to build him up always.

 ¹³ She finds wool and flax
      and busily spins it.
 ¹⁴ She is like a merchant’s ship,
      bringing her food from afar. What?!? What does this mean? Wool and flax were very important back then. Flax could be used for it's seeds and fibers that would create clothing items and lamp wicks. Wool...clothing and probably blankets. Merchant's ship? What?!?! Well you have to think what a sight it would be to see it coming in a distance. The excitement they would have felt, the sigh of relief, they looked forward to the merchant ship coming to bring them food from other regions. I want my husband to look forward to seeing me just like this, to bring him excitement and anticipation, relief when he sets eyes upon me.
 ¹⁵ She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household
      and plan the day’s work for her servant girls. 

 ¹⁶ She goes to inspect a field and buys it;
      with her earnings she plants a vineyard.  Oiy...before dawn?! I need to work on this one. Getting up early (even when making it be 3rd shift early) isn't easy for me. Planning is something I enjoy, but struggle to follow through.
 ¹⁷ She is energetic and strong,
      a hard worker. Heck ya! This is one I am for sure working towards. Being fit and full of energy, to work hard in life. Me: Nursing College Student working on her fitness level....Energetic, strong, a hard worker.
 ¹⁸ She makes sure her dealings are profitable;
      her lamp burns late into the night. Making sure dealing are profitable....watching deals, researching, planning ahead. Not wasting time OR money. But willing to work later than when the sun goes down.

 ¹⁹ Her hands are busy spinning thread,
      her fingers twisting fiber.
 ²⁰ She extends a helping hand to the poor
      and opens her arms to the needy. She is busy at work, but willing to be caring. Taking the time to help out those in need. ♥
 ²¹ She has no fear of winter for her household,
      for everyone has warm^[c] clothes. Will work on this next year for sure, this lack of pellets isn't a good thing! I feared winter this year, I will be honest.

 ²² She makes her own bedspreads.
      She dresses in fine linen and purple gowns.
 ²³ Her husband is well known at the city gates,
      where he sits with the other civic leaders.
 ²⁴ She makes belted linen garments
      and sashes to sell to the merchants.

 ²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity,
      and she laughs without fear of the future. I love this. I will be clothed with strength and dignity, and I will be able to laugh without fear of the future. No worries, not stressing about what is to come. To have the attitude, "Bring it on. I have a BIG God. If he is for me, what can you bring against me?!"
 ²⁶ When she speaks, her words are wise,
      and she gives instructions with kindness. K.I.N.D even in instruction, not being short. But showing knowledge in her wording. Lord bless me with wisdom, and tame my tongue when I want to lash out.
 ²⁷ She carefully watches everything in her household
      and suffers nothing from laziness. Lord, I ask you to help me keep up on my household chores, and help me to keep track of M. Please take away my laziness that I get at times and allow me to truly be a blessed woman of God that is treasured by her husband.

 ²⁸ Her children stand and bless her.
      Her husband praises her:  My children will stand and bless me. I can feel it in my heart God, you know the children that will be mine. You know them by name, already know when they will be born. You know the number of hairs on their head. How blessed am I that you already know these things! But to hear them say they are blessed to have me as their mom will fill my heart with such joy and love.
 ²⁹ “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world,
      but you surpass them all!”

 ³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last;
      but a woman who fears the LORD will be greatly praised.
 ³¹ Reward her for all she has done.
      Let her deeds publicly declare her praise. I want to be the woman that James would chose over and over and over again. To stick out forever and ever above the rest to him. And continue my journey with the Lord as our lives together continue so we may receive God's blessings. Together, as husband and wife. I want to be a Woman of God. A wise and noble wife.

Bipolar Much?

I have been a complete roller coaster of emotions. Finally Monday I said this is enough.

I found worship music that spoke to my heart. I worshiped God fully, stretched arms out, tears falling down my face, and face on the cold cement floor. I told God "I am going to worship you with my every move." So I worshiped as I cried, doing laundry. I thanked him for the things I am currently blessed with: a warm house, a loving husband, a perfect puppy dog, and God that loves me for me.

I think what helped tremendously was my breaking moment Monday night. Where I cried and cried, and couldn't stop crying. I mourned over our loss. I wrote and I worshiped God that night. That and the gumption of getting off my bum and moving it to get some endorphines flowing!

James recommended that I watch Kim Walker's testimony. I would link but I am on my phone and it is too much of a pain. I watched it, and cried and cried. God loves me, and I am sure that I give Him as much joy as she did as He created her. And same with you. It was so amazing to hear the vision that God placed in her heart to witness how much he loves her. Youtube it, you wont be disappointed!

A song that really spoke to me was one from The Story titled "Who But You" it is Abraham and Sarah's song. Oh boy was that a song that made the tears fall. Because who but God, in all of our infertility struggles could get us to dare the dream of having children? We hope because he allows us to have hope. We are persevering through these struggles because He has allowed us hope, and my prayer for all of us is if pregnancy isn't something he has planned for us that the yearning would slowly fade and be replaced with a plan that matches more with God's.

While I hope and pray pregnancy is for me, I also have to pray that God would help my heart change to what His plan is. For now, I know adoption is in our future but I also have this hope that one day I will get to tell you about getting a dark positive, seeing our baby's heartbeat, feeling the flutters, seeing my husband's face as he feels his first kick, our birthing story, and all that goes with motherhood.

Who but You, Lord. Would let me keep the hope alive in spite of all that is against us? I am amazed by You. Angry at times, but know you are in control and that I shouldn't fear. Because, after all, if God is for me, who can be against me?!

Hope you all are having a fabulous night. ♥

False Hope Once Again?

Despite my crazy brain telling me this is it! Despite my co-worker telling me she thought I was pregnant. Despite my three various pregnancy dreams (which were crazy let me tell you)...I even took progesterone in mean of this false hope. Where did it get me?

Constipation. Sore tatas. Excessive Fatigue. And spotting today. At 12dpo.

I'm not pregnant, I am saying it is over. And onto the next cycle.

Oh and my aunt is pregnant. She is 10 weeks with her second child. Granted she is a younger aunt, but it makes me think....seriously? When is it going to be our turn?

And then today I realized my problem with tithing. Shocker as I know it will be...it comes down to our infertility and loss. We were giving well beyond our 10%, we gave to the building fund, the music fund, tithed ever week, gave to a christian radio station, and sponsored a child in the Dominican Republic. And then we experienced loss.

After loss.

And then more losses.

And subconsciously (and maybe a little consciously...) I started having a bad attitude. If God couldn't protect us from all of the losses, and all of this infertility...why the heck was I continuing to give to him. If he wasn't giving me the desires of my heart, then why the heck would I give my tithe? Others that weren't giving their tithe were getting pregnant. Others that weren't trying were being blessed. And then there was us? And I started thinkin, seriously...where are you God in all of this?

I need to get out of that mentality. I am stuck in it, I won't lie. I am being brutally open and honest. I am prideful. Why give to a God that isn't showing himself to us in the area that is hurting us the most? Hence our giving was down substantially in spite of us making more this year.

I have decided that Job 10:22 describes infertility perfectly...

"It is a land as dark as midnight, a land of gloom and confusion, where even the light is as dark as midnight."

But I think Romans 12:12 gives us good advice...

"Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying."

It amazes me that throughout this infertility experience we keep the hope alive deep inside, yearning for it to come true. But are we patient always. Definitely not (for me anyways). And I know I have been horrid at praying lately.

So I promise, I will soon be back to where I was in the past. Loving God and praying to him all the time with all circumstances. I vow to getting back to tithing. And getting back to being a more positive blogger once more.

I am busy, but I cannot be too busy for God, hope, and prayer.

♥ Jess

Follow Up Dr Appointment

Today was my follow up from my HSG that was done yesterday. It took about 45 minutes to actually see my doctor, but I didn't expect different. It was a Friday in the afternoon, they were bound to be behind.

Upon talking to Dr. H she said that she was hoping that I had a septate uterus that the septum was down close to the cervix, and the cath when inserted for the HSG had to pick a side to go up. That would be the ideal situation. Because a septate uterus can have surgery to be fixed, a cornuate uterus? Not so much.

Yet, we had to face potential reality and also talk about what our plan of action would be and what complications I could face.

First plan of action: find out if kidneys are functioning.

If you have a unicornuate uterus 40% of the time women have one functioning kidney or horseshoe kidneys that never separate. So to diagnose this we need to do an IVP (Intravenous Pyelogram), in order to do this I needed a Comprehensive Metabolic Panel (CMP).

So today I sat in the lab and waited after the appointment. Four hours later,  I called the lab and got the CMP results. My creatine level needed to be 1.4 or less to do the IVP, it was 0.7 so it is a go!

Further Plan of action: Do an IVP & MRI

The IVP is where a dye is injected into my vein and x-rays are taken to watch the dye flow through my kidneys, down to my ureters, into my urethra and finally into my bladder. It will watch how well my kidneys are functioning for filtering and the structure of my urinary tract. I have stopped taking my metformin to help be able to move up the test date.

The MRI is our choice over the laparoscopy simply because the laparoscopy would be invasive, and the doctor wouldn't know what exactly she would be facing. With the MRI we can know exactly where the kidneys, ovaries, and fallopian tubes are located. AND we would know 100% what is going on with my uterus, if it has a rudimentary horn, if it is a unicornuate (half) uterus, or if I have a large septum that caused the HSG cath to go only to the left  (praying for this!).

After the IVP and MRI we will have a clearer vision of where we are to head next. If indeed I do have a unicoruate uterus there isn't anything we can do about it except for hope and pray.

I did bring up the fact that we have never done a cycle day 3 estrogen check along with my FSH and LH then to check for Premature Ovarian Failure (POF) or Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR). When I first got diagnosed with PCOS they checked my FSH to LH value, with normal women it is 1. Mine was 3 or 4. Which can show PCOS (but they usually do not go by that anymore, it is more old school) OR it could show poor egg quality/less eggs. High FSH means that the follicles are being stimulated but none of them are mature enough to sustain a healthy pregnancy.

Dr. H said she wanted to wait to talk about that until we had the complete diagnosis. She did say she would be willing to do six more cycles of clomid if all checked out, and after that I would be moved onto a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). Honestly, it probably will be before that. I would like to be checked for more less common issues so we can do all possible to avoid miscarriage if and when another pregnancy happens.

The doctor had to be honest and give me the facts. She herself had to look up the stats, because a unicornuate uterus isn't that common. Here are some stats:

For women miscarriages happen 13-26% of time out of ALL pregnancies. She also broke it down by age
20-30 years 9-17%
>35 years 20%
>40 years 40%
>45 years 45%

 After 1 Spontaneous Miscarriage (SAB) - 20%, 2 SAB - 28%, 3+ SAB - 43%

With a unicornuate uterus (UU) ...first of all 10% of uterine defects are a UU, or 1 in 4,020 women.
On to the scarier facts...
2.7% chance of ectopic pregnancy (2% is normal)
24.3% 1st trimester miscarriage
9.7% 2nd trimester miscarriage
20.1% chance of pre-term labor
10.5% Intra-Uterine Fetal Demise (Stillborn)
40% chance of kidney abnormalities

49.9% chance for a live birth.

I have less than a 50% chance of having a living healthy baby in my arms with each pregnancy.
Really? WTH?


So here I am facing all of this. And pondering the fact that things are not 100% horrible, but know we have a rocky road ahead of us. Yesterday I didn't know how many more pregnancy losses I could face before it would be enough to break me. But, I have to question if my heart will be more broken facing miscarriage or not experiencing holding my own baby in my arms. Should we skip trying and go right to adoption? Or should we face hardship and believe in our God to give us a baby that would be a reflection of James and I.

I have to say, I was a pretty darn cute little kid. I would love to see one of me living and breathing here on earth. Regardless, our children...whether biological or adopted will be so immensely loved it is ridiculous.

Glimmer of Hope.

Before I give you the glimmer of hope I have had, I have to give you background history.

My Aunt Kathy lost her baby girl at 21 days old when I was in 5th grade. She had a son at the time, and eventually went on to have another baby girl. Due to this loss, an alcoholic husband, and not knowing God my Aunt subconsciously (or consciously I am not sure) stopped disciplining her children. Now her son Mike is 17, and has been to juvie twice, is up for more accounts of stealing, has been on a tether, and in the past lived with my mom for almost a year. Her daughter Samantha Jo didn't go on to be remembered in their family. Uncle Nick turned to alcohol to drink away his pain. She couldn't be discussed. It makes me terribly sad. Ashley is now 10 (or turning ten next month!) and is behind in almost every class. My heart hurts for them. If I had been older I would have fought to have them myself. To be not only their cousin but their guardian. If if if....I wish that I could do more to help them. I think about them and my heart cries out, tears sometimes flow, and I get angry at my Aunt for not treasuring the miracles in front of her.

My cousin Mike pretends to have this hard front, but I think he acts out to get attention. Any attention is better than being forgotten. When he lived with my Mom she asked him if he wanted to stay with her, he said no after a huge hesitating quiet moment. He said no so he wouldn't hurt his Mom. And instead he has hurt his own future. He is a good boy, but I am afraid he will always be a boy in a man's body due to lack of parenting.

Skip back to about a month ago, to an episode of Adoption Story (yes the show is still on Discover Fit and Health). Two back to back episodes of open adoptions. And I said a little prayer in my heart that I would take a baby however God decided to grant me with one. Be it natural, international adoption, domestic adoption, or foster care....or one of each. It has been on the back of my mind, along with the questioning of will I ever get to experience pregnancy? when will I get to see another BFP?


Skip back to two days ago. I got a text from my sister Stacey. She said Mike got a girl knocked up. My gut turned. And questions flew out..."How old is the girl?" "WHAT? How is is that HE can get a girl pregnant, but I can't get pregnant?!" "What does the girl plan on doing with the baby?" She jokingly called me a baby stealer. Just joshing, but I can see how crazy women choose to steal babies! They are just insane for following that crazy idea! (I promise I am not one of those crazy women!)

Today I was talking to my mom on the phone to get more information on what is going on with this "situation". All the while hoping she wasn't going to tell me that the girl was going to opt for an abortion. The girl is 14 or 15. Her mother do not want her to keep the baby. The girl herself smokes pot. I am trying not to judge her, but the questions again fill my thoughts..."How can SHE get pregnant?!" "Seriously?!?" Mom filled me in on possibility, but unlikely charges of statutory rape (the mom lets the daughter smoke pot...I don't think age of sex partner really matters...especially if she let them date).

Then Mom says this to me. "Ashley said to me, 'Aunt Sue I am going to be an aunt!' So I asked her, what Michael thought about the girl being pregnant. Then Ashley said, 'He says it is okay because they are just going to give the baby to Jessica!"

I fought back tears, and hope. And the mixture of both. The questioning started again, "God is this why we haven't gotten pregnant? Is this why I saw those episodes of open adoptions? What if this really comes to pass? What if I am getting excited for nothing?" I still haven't told James, but I will today. I was praying yesterday for good news on thanksgiving. What if this is our good news?

On the flip side, Mike is all for me...but what if she isn't? I need to look up adoption information for domestic adoption. I don't even know how far along she is. God protect her pregnancy. And give me peace about this if it is where our first baby is going to come from.

Happy Thanksgiving, I am holding back tears! Last year I was experiencing the worst of my miscarriage this day, this year I am filled with hope. No promises, only hope.

♥ Jess

Okay, I'm Listening

"God is not the author of confusion but of peace." 1 Corinthians 14:33

God is definitely trying to reach out to me. He doesn't want me to be confused. The past week one scripture has filled my daily devotion, scripture verse in my email, Sunday sermon, and Power of a Praying Woman by Stormie Omartian. These verses:

Ephesians 6:10-12

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, 

so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against 

flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, 

against the powers of this dark work, and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

This is one verse leads into the Armor of God. A verse in the past I never could manage to memorize, but surely one I will be working on to memorize. I remember recently I had this thought about I am not strong enough to endure this any longer. But I heard God whisper to me, a voice that said, "No but I am strong enough for you." And He is. I need to keep my full armor of God in place so I can stand strong, with God's help to face the evils in this world. Maybe I sound crazy, but I know it was God.

I have been a basket case this week. I have been confused on what I am content with doing, but God's scripture says he is not the author of confusion, but of peace. So I am praying for peace in this journey. This month and the next few months are going to be so hard. My heart is breaking more and more each day. The closer I get to my year anniversary of finding out I was pregnant, of my first ever doctor appointment at an OB, the day my heart broke into thousands of millions of pieces. The day I got the news I was miscarrying. That day is getting closer. 

But, I am working on getting closer to God in the midst of all of this.

I am a big fan of the book I am reading. Here are some highlights of my favorite quotes from the past few days of reading (I have the book that is three in one - Power of a Praying Wife, Power of a Praying Parent, and Power of a Praying Woman).

"If you aren't experiencing any breakthrough in your life, check to see if you have truly surrendered yourself to the Lord. Have you given Jesus that place of Lordship? Have you let go of everything?" (page 81)

"Lord, I need to have your Word come alive to me again. Make that happen, Father. Clear my mind and soul. teach me new things. Help me to go deeper into Your Word than ever before." (page 87)

And then this last chapter. Background history? I was sitting down to watch TV when I heard another whisper that said, "Am I less important than the television?" Talk about cutting me to the core. So instead of watching TV I sat down to read a chapter out of my book. The title of the chapter? "Lord Instruct Me as I Put My Life in Right Order" Think so? I think God was clear as crystal this morning to me. I teared up just seeing the title.

"Your relationship with the Lord must always have top priority over everything else. The Lord said, "You shall have no other gods before Me" (Exodus 20:31), and He means it. God wants your undivided attention. When you seek Him first every day and ask Him to help you put your life in order, He will do that.....when we don't seek God first, our lives get out of control." (Page 97)

"God is a God of order. We can tell that by looking at the universe. None of it is random or accidental. He doesn't want our lives to be either." (Page 97)

"Submission is something you decide to do, not something someone forces you to do." (Page 97)

Infertility and loss has definitely impacted my relationship with the Lord. TTC and our hopeful future has often times became a more frequent priority than God. I know that this all has been for a purpose, often questioning why it is happening. It isn't by accident, God didn't at random choose me to experience infertility. And in the midst of it all, I need to decide to submit to God's will for my life. He isn't going to force me, He wants me to choose. Even if it meant that I would have to experience loss after loss, year after year of infertility. I am not saying submitting to God's will will magically change my future with infertility. But it will make it easier if I am leaning on God will all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength.

For those that might not know, James and I have been struggling with the decision of where our church home is supposed to be. I still haven't found peace, but this chapter talked about this as well. Accident? I think not.

"The Bible says we should submit to authority figures designated by God in our church, in our family, in our work, and in our government. To be in right order and have our lives work well, we need to be planted in a church home. It gives us a base of operation. We can't get as far as God wants us to go without it. Each church has a unique distinction and purpose, and you will not be happy until you find the one God has for you. This doesn't mean you have to go to a different church every week until you find one that is perfect and makes you 100 percent happy. They don't exist. Churches are, after all, made up of imperfect people like us. What it does mean is that you need to ask God to show you where your church family is." (Page 100)

"I know that if my life is not in proper order I will not receive the blessings you have for me." (Page 102)

I am going to work on the priorities, placing God at the top so I can fully receive His blessings. In the meantime, I am going to work on leaning more on word. These are a few:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; 

in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6

The Word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, 

piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, 

and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.

Hebrews 4:12

He who heeds the word wisely will find good, 

and whoever trusts in the Lord, happy is he.

Proverbs 16:20

Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness,

and all of these things shall be added to you.

Matthew 6:33

God's Message to Me. (This is a LONG one)

Last week I picked up The Power of a Praying Woman and started reading where I left off. The title of the chapter was "Lord, Strengthen Me to Stand Against the Enemy". It was a good read. Two of my favorite quotes from it were as follows:


"Just as God has a plan for you, so does Satan. Satan's plan is to steal from you and destroy your life. "The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy" (John 10:10)."


"I'm a good person, so why is he attacking me? Many people have asked this question, but the question answers itself. The enemy attacks you because you are a good person. The devil will always attack anyone who loves God and lives His way."


It really made me think about things in life lately, how I truly wonder how well I have been standing up to the temptations from Satan. If I have been believing his lies. If I had forgotten about Ephesians 6:12 "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places."


How many times have I gotten upset with friends and family due to their insensitive comments pertaining to trying to conceive and such. The devil wants me to get upset. To break down bonds between myself and those I love. Am I saying that I will never get upset? That is impractical, what I am trying to do is take away some of the footholds that the devil may have in my life.


THEN Sunday came around, a night or two after I had read the chapter in my book. Sunday's message was based around "The Battle" He focused on seven points, but I was lost too deep in thought about how this lined up with my reading that I missed out on number seven (sorry!)


1. Everyone called by God enters into the battle. (examples: Joseph - slavery, accused of rape, David - adulterer, had to run from Saul, Moses - 40 years in the desert, the grumbling people)
2. Sometimes people see the battles that they face as evidence of a poor Christian walk (example: Job)
3. Some people see the battles in their lives as a negative reflection of God.
4. People sometimes don't/won't see the battles in their lives as having to do with spiritual warfare.
5. Although we share the same enemies, we won't always share the same battles (examples: depression, un-forgiveness, worry & doubt, addictions, infertility *ok I added that last one*)
6. Although we don't fight the same battles, we share the same God and same promises.


Every single point hit home with me. Before I found God I was under trials because Satan didn't want me to find that joy and hope. After I found God I am now under trials not because God doesn't care, but because I care about God. If I were to become less like God and not care about Him, I am sure I would have less trials in my life...but that is NOT an option. I have questioned myself if my walk was a major problem with our infertility (like when we hadn't tithed..., how I haven't been reading my Bible, not praying hard enough...etc). But it does nothing but make me feel guilty and low, instead of pushing me to do those things more. 


I haven't really thought about how our infertility could be a spiritual battle. I just questioned God, WHY have you allowed this to happen, WHY haven't you taken this away from us?


The Pastor then went on to speak on Romans 8:28-39

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son, so that his Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And having chosen them, he called them to come to Him. And having called them, He gave them right standing with himself. And having given them right standing, he gave them his glory.

What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won't he also give us give us everything else? Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one--for God himself has given us right standing with himself. Who then will condemn us? No one--for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting the place of honor at God's right hand, pleading for us.

Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean He no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? As the scriptures say, "for your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep." No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow--not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below--indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Everything will work out for good according to God's will. Be it adoption, natural pregnancy, or ART. I can allow myself to have a divide placed between me and God, or I can focus on the future in fervent prayer. I am going to start praying for my future children. I do not know how they will come to us, but I do know they will be immensely loved, cared for, and blessed.  Through prayer I am hoping my focus on infertility will lessen as I grow deeper in love with Christ. I will focus on the blessings I have, and those I can bestow upon my children when he chooses to give them to us. 


This battle will never be over. But God will forever have my heart. HE will work things out, even when I think I am trying to work them out for Him. The scripture "In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus, concerning you." 1 Thessalonians 5:18


I am thankful that God has the future planned out. That everything will work out for good. I can sit here and let worry and doubt cloud my future, or I can pray for clarity in my decisions. I can face the battle with God by my side. Clothed in God's best for me. 

The Armor of God

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on prayer for all the Lord's people. Pray also for me that whenever I speak, words may be given to me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

♥ Jess 

Miracles All Over!

Lisa from the Pursuit of Pregnancy has her BFP! Woooohooo! Her beta at 11dpo is higher than any number she has ever had. I SO pray this is her take home baby. She has had 7 miscarriages. Seven. I am a mess, and have only had the emotional ramifications from 3. I say only loosely....because it feels like too many as it is! Pray this baby sticks! That this will be her miracle take home baby (truly a miracle because a doctor told her that she and her husband would have to have a surrogate to have a child that was biologically both of theirs....her body attacks the baby as an invader. =( BUT our God is Jehova Rapha...all mighty healer. Our great doctor, and her condition could be healed!).

Hillary from Making Me Mom is pregnant also! She and her hubby had given up after IUI after IUI and other ART cycles. They moved on to adoption, just about to be matched with a woman...when boom! Surprise, hello pregnancy!

I am SO SOSOSOSOSOSO happy for these ladies. I am working on being still, and knowing that God is in control. But it isn't esy. In fact, it is ridiculously tough at times. Because mixed in with the excitement for them is also the curious wondering of if I will get to experience pregnancy around the same time as them. Will I get to experience a big round pregnant belly? I can't be sure.

Yesterday scripture did give me some peace. Jeremiah 29:11, Proverbs 4:5-6, Joshua 1:9 all came up in devotions. God has plans not to harm me, but to give me hope for a future. But I need to lean not on my own understanding, and allow him to direct my path. And also remember to not be discouraged, because God is with me always. And these trials are perfecting me.

God is shaping me. Even if I wish he would stop already! =) I have to learn that I am clay in his hands and to stop trying to mold myself. Because a slab of clay, remains just a slab of clay without the potters hands.

So this is me trying to rely on God more. I'm a work in progress.

Busy Season

Today begins the first day of working 2 jobs for my hubby. He will be working 9am-2pm for a local farmer, and then from 2:30pm-12:30am (or later) at work. 15 hour days 5 days a week, plus Saturdays to follow suit here coming up.

I am going to miss my husband. And I can't help but think, "How the heck are we going to ttc with that schedule?" It is going to be tough. With our usual schedules it is tough. And this month I am determined to follow the sperm meets egg plan. Which means every other day, until +opk and we try that day, wait a day, and try again. The doctor wants us to continue every other day from cd 10-20. So we will add another couple days after the +opk.

Praying the sperm catch the egg this month! But if not we have 2 more months to ttc before we start preventing for awhile.

On another note, there has been drama at work. And I hate getting pulled into it. This girl I will name K is lazy, and is known to wait until last bedcheck to change people. So when last rounds came last week and she checked a few of our normal wetters, and she said they were dry red flags went up for my partner of the night, N. She gave K benefit of the doubt. Until a resident that K said she put on the bedpan said she hadn't been. Uh Oh. N was PISSED. So she double checked the other residents, and one was soaked. But the urine was warm, so I gave her benefit of the doubt on that one. Told N she probably was dry and K woke up her up turning her.

N couldn't take it, brought it to nurses attention. And walah instant cattiness between K and N. And me by default. So Sunday night, K is the extra helping N and I. Middle bedcheck comes around. She helped 1 while I finished our last resident (or what I thought was last resident). I saw K in with the bedpan resident, the one whom N had just checked a few minutes ago. I thought, "is she really going behind us?!?" Especially because she woke up residents we usually let sleep through the night. It was instant drama, so I told her that the next door resident was for sure checked. She should have asked if she was confused. And somehow K twisted my words to say that she was the only one done.

Add some yelling between the nurse, K, and N at the desk (at 3am when residents are sleeping mind you...) and you have the rest of the story. K said she was going to quit, but another nurse got her to stay. Ridiculous.

This made me realize I truly need to better my relationship with Christ. I need to be the light unto the world, displaying Christ's love. Not continuing the crabbiness and gossip. I am going back to the, "You can't control their actions" and "N, we've got it fixed so don't worry about it." When N starts to get pissed. Swearing has to go 100%. (It is getting better) And my Bible needs to have the dust wiped off from its cover. The time in my car is now going to be talk to God time, not my sister, or Mom, or friends. It is time to worship while driving, to pour out my heart. Not time to illegally text while driving (yes I know I am horrible) or day dream about random things.

Things are going to be changing. Quickly. Not just with my spiritual side, but also with our health. We are changing our diet starting Thursday. I am excited and hopeful. I plan on being less than 180 before the start of the new year. The struggle with getting under 200 is going to be over. I am ready to make the change, fear and stress will not hold me back. I can do this!

Later today I will post the photos from the dress trying on that made me want to lose some additional poundage. And point out the 2 dressed that entirely depend on whether or not a baby decides to grow healthy and strong in my uterus. Lol

Changed URL, soon more Changes?

Hi guys, I did change my URL I hope you figured it out....when I did guess what the captcha read? bless

bless

Am I blessed? Will I be blessed?

Am I pregnant and haven't had a positive test yet?

Will I be pregnant next month?

I have cramps. Feeling like AF cramps.I took a nap, a 2 hour nap. I had 6 hours of sleep last night, which is my normal. So I can say that I am fatigued.  Ta-tas still hurt.

I am trying to not think about it, but failing miserably. I am doing laundry. On load 3, and in need of doing 2 more. I need to do dishes. I am watching House while doing all of this. Then I have plans tonight, hanging out with my sister and Jenny.

What else do I need to do? I truly need to work on James's resume. He is planning on applying for a new job. The problem? His old resume is MIA, lost on a flash drive. Might be on MIL's computer still...so after this episode that is my next stop. I hope God blesses us with that job, if it is what is meant to be. It is the job he wanted before he took the position at the feed mill. If he was given the other job, he would have first shift. Now, not having to wait until next July. He would get a pay raise, instead of having to wait until February (and getting a much lower pay raise). He would still have good benefits. He would be away from the grain dust. He would be active instead of sitting in front of a computer, he would be outside, instead of in an office. He would be less miserable with life because he wouldn't be on second shift. But guess what? This brings about more waiting. And possibly guilt because the busy season is coming up at work. Nothing is ever perfect in our eyes, but it always happens to fit into God's plan...even if we never understand it.

Because we could get pregnant. We could have a baby. I would be blessed to be a mommy. James would be blessed to be a Daddy. Money would be tight, but emotionally we would be relaxed because the stress of TTC would be gone. But we could potentially be stressed, if I get into school, if money is really tight, if life is hectic. But isn't life just like that now? without a baby in the mix? I would rather the stress come from finally having a little one and having prayers answered instead of it coming from being in limbo while waiting for prayers to be answered. If James got this other job, the pay raise would help (exponentially). I have faith, things will work out. I just wish my timeline was the same as God's. But it hasn't matched up thus far...so who knows for sure when it will?

Praying for good news soon. For blessings. For answered prayers. For hope to swell up within all of us.
Praying, and hoping. And waiting.
♥ Jess

*Sigh*....

Isaiah 43:2, “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.”

2 Corininthians 4:9 "persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."

I am trying to feel this way. But I am feeling like I am starting to drowned. Another BFN this morning. And another pregnancy announcement. Trying not to feel bitter and forgotten by God. But seriously struggling. She started trying this summer and is now 11 weeks. 3 months...she probably got pregnant first try. And it is not like she will not be a good mother. She will. I just wish God would share the wealth.

And I have been trying for 13 months now. Have had 3 losses, and still waiting for my rainbow baby.


I am at the point of this cycle that I do not want to have hope because if AF comes it will only bring that much more disappointment and sadness.


I am sick of staring at pregnancy tests that I have pissed on to see if there could possibly be a second line. I am tired of spending money on ovulation predictor and pregnancy tests. I am sick of this TTC mode. But not sick enough that I can stop. How sad is that? I am tired and weary but will press on. Because the joy of one day getting pregnant far surpasses the depressed thoughts and feelings I have at the moment. The pain in the moment sucks, but it will truly make the day when I have a BFP that leads to having a child that much better.


I am weary. I am struck down, but not destroyed. I may bend, but I will not break. My heart is breaking but I am still here. I am losing my footing, but there is still ground to break my fall if I do fall.


I have cramps. Boobs hurt. I'm emotional. Ready for a BFP or AF to be here. Sick of this crap.

Headaches

I have had some major headaches this past week or so. And let me tell you, I am SICK of them. I will only deal with them without complaining if I find out I am indeed pregnant.

Headaches, sore ta-tas (and a little of the nips), some cramping, gas, emotional-ness, tiredness, and an adversion to certain foods. Seriously? This is more symptoms than I have had in awhile. But I could attribute it all to Clomid and the script to cure the BV probably.

I got my blood work done today. Curious to get the results. I got my progesterone, thyroid, cholesterol, and blood sugar tested. I fasted from 9pm last night until 10 when I got out of bed. I slept from about midnight-7 when I got up to pee, then again from 7-10. Basically...I slept A LOT. And then I woke up SUPER thirsty and not really too hungry (very surprising).

When I arrived at the lab I could tell I was in for the treat of waiting...and waiting I did. For 45 minutes before they called me into the back to draw my blood. And this isn't even the main campus for the blood draw. Blah. Took FOREVER. But they said if I call later this evening with my patient id number that I should be able to get all of my results (be looking for a post! =D).

If I don't have higher progesterone levels then I would like to know why the heck my boobies are sore just sitting here. I am only 6dpo and wishing I could test already...

Today's verse of the day in my email gave me hope! (And it should give you hope too...)

Romans 8:32 

 Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won't he also give us everything else?

God will bless us with a child (and you too!). He just makes no promises on how that baby will come. Be it a little one from China, a domestic adoption, an adopted foster child, or a baby from your own womb.  Or maybe for a family...all of the above.

What I am saying is...I am not loosing faith. I am keeping the hope alive (especially with headaches and sore boobies! :-P)

♥ Jess

On Hope

I wanted to share a quote from the July/August "Stepping Stones" Newsletter. It is about choosing hope.

Hope feels dangerous to me. Allowing myself to hope means I might be broken again. Being discouraged is far less risky. It's a miserable place, but it feels safer than climbing the mountains of hope. It doesn't take any faith to be discouraged. I can do it effortlessly. Having hope requires emotional effort. It requires me to believe in my God, to believe so fully that I let go of the reigns and allow God to handle the ride.

~ Jennifer Miller

She is right. And today, I choose hope over despair and defeat.

God Answers Prayers.

Yesterday I was blessed with the ability to stay over and get some overtime. It was nice to see God answer my prayer that quickly! And yesterday I also went to go pick up my Clomid prescription.

I had a coupon for Meier that gave me a $20 coupon off of next purchase. Yet, they said I couldn't use it on my prescription because of our insurance. It was ten dollars. So I asked how much it was without insurance...and guess what? By paying 2.99 more I was able to get $20 in gas for free. WONDERFUL!

Yesterday was CD 3 and day one of Clomid. So far no side effects, but then again I think I would be concerned if there was. On CD 21 I have to take a progesterone test to make sure I ovulated. Praying for good number and a healthy baby this cycle.

I have hope again with vacation in our future, some answered prayers in the present, and the knowledge that Through Christ anything is possible.

So today my friends, besides being exhausted from working over I am also feeling content, optimistic, and full of hope once more. Thank you all for your prayers and kind words.

Update: Holy Hot flashes Batman! Definitely have first symptom from Clomid. I was sitting, when all of a sudden I felt like I had been running. I even got a little sweaty. I never really sweat unless working out hard core. It was CRAZY!

Finding Faith? Finding Hope?

Hebrews 11:1 "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see."

"The God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." (Daniel 3:17-18)

The above scripture is where Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were tossed into the fiery furnace. I am catching up on my daily devotionals. The one from the 27th talks about this story. And how God never sets us to walk alone during fiery trials. He is always with us, and probably a friend or to. So friends, if you are reading this and know the sting of infertility. Or have the heart that understands it's sting. Thank you for walking with me, experiencing emotions most don't have to experience, and seeing the reality of how infertility impacts a person - - - and still loving me just the same.

Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

It is hard some days God to admit that maybe this is how you want life for us to be at the moment...

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be (Psalm 139:14-15, NIV).

Me? Wonderfully made? Wonky ovaries? Chunky frame? I need to remind myself I am who you created me to be. Infertility and all.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"

Again...plans to prosper and not to harm me? Um...God? 3 miscarriages haven't harmed me? This seems silly. I feel like damaged goods...I know I know, see the scripture above. So I am left to try to find hope while waiting for the future.

“FEAR NOT, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

This last scripture has found it's way into my life over and over again. This time by email and then a blog I follow...think God is telling me He is here with me. Even if at times, I don't want to admit it.

Thoughts from the Hopeless

Had a rough day. First of all my very first gray hair was found. And quickly plucked from my head from my friend, with severe disgust on my face when I saw it. THEN I get home and there is water in the basement. THEN I go to bathroom later in day and small little spot of blood came out. then NOTHING, cervix clear, no blood. Just a little spotting.

But basically...I am old, have a house that leaks, and my body hates me and loves to torture me. So I am not holding my breath any longer to see that second pink line. Though, I probably will test again tomorrow and Saturday if AF isn't here.

I guess I should be happy vitex has extended my LP. But, instead I asked my husband if he is ready for hormonal, hot flashy, headachey, me in T minus 4 days. Because I start it CD 3 and go on through CD 7. I have heard if you take Clomid in the PM it makes you sleep through your side affects. Well, here is to hoping that CD 3-7 I work every night so I can take it in the morning when I get home and sleep through the side affects that way.

Should I be so downcast? Maybe not, I know it's not over til the lady in red shows her ugly face. But I need to prepare myself so the fall from cloud 9 down to reality isn't such a hard blow.

On another note, today James and I went and saw his best friend and wife in the hospital. With their new baby. And he is so cute. I did okay when there for the most part. If they looked closely they probably saw a sad face or two. But it was when we left that I dwelled on the fact that James and I haven't had that chance yet. James could tell that is where my thought patterns were, so he simply told me, "Stop thinking about how we don't have a baby." How? How do I stop thinking about it?

When everywhere I go there are babies. Today at the grocery store within one minute I saw two little precious bundles of joy with their mommas. We saw pregnant ladies and babies on the birthing floor. My friends on facebook are pregnant. People in the threads I talk to are getting pregnant (I love them all, but I am still envious and wish it were my turn...). Seriously pregnant women and babies are everywhere. They are not avoidable.

Therefore, how do I quit thinking about it with visual reminders at every corner?

Another thing that is plaguing me? Our budget. Finances. The fact we have had to spend so much already on trying to have a baby that we don't have a savings. The fact that we are going to be missing out (again) on the honeymoon we dreamed of. Finances is something I have to buckle down on.

And here is my confession: things are always rough financially when my heart is in the wrong place. I always feel convicted. Yet this time, my heart is starting to turn cold. I don't want to give tithe any more. How sad is that? I LOVE giving money away. Maybe it is our church situation. Either way, I know that it is wrong. We have given 10% of our gross income for the last 2-3 years. And I have tithed at least something for at least the last 5 years. But lately, I feel as if I am going through the motions or avoiding it at all. Like this week because of phone needing to get replaced, the expensive amount due to verizon, AAA, JBR and Sallie Mae being due this week there simply isn't any money for tithe. And if there isn't money for tithe, the one thing God tells us to test him on....there do I truly have room for God?

Life is a struggle right now my friends. I am struggling. Losing hope. And maybe losing a little bit of faith along the way.

I just realized the last statement. And it makes me so sad. It crushes my heart. I want to run back to God, but I am so angry so instead I walk away. I am a fed up teenager in the aspect of my spirituality at the moment. I need prayer. I need to pray. My childlike innocence for faith has been lost. Tried and lost.

I know God is there. That Jesus died for me. That they can do anything. That I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. But...what if Christ chooses not to strengthen me? How many times can you hear no? How many times can a parent allude to a hope, a dream that potentially could come true before a child loses faith? And if they continue to dream does it not only become more shattered?

Twice in one day I heard this song. The first time I stopped what I was doing and raised my hands up to God and choked back tears. The next time I was driving around in my car, thinking about if I could get through not being able to carry a baby to term. God loves me. At the moment I am waiting on him, with a broken heavy heart and tentatively reaching out my arms. Yet, with the slightest thought of despair...I drop them. And I run. away.

Accomplished...

I have accomplished a lot of blogging today. You can expect another week's worth of the blog challenge coming to you. All written today. How fabulous is the option to schedule when the post can be seen by others! YAY!

So on a different note, remember how I said maybe I should learn to not be excited? It is getting to James too. I told him about not getting the dog after he had woke up and looked for it. And his exact words were, "Of course. Why should we get excited? This always happens."

So God, please listen to my words. Do not forsake us. Do not turn an ear away. Stop making us feel like you are not answering our prayers. Bless us God! Bless us indeed! If not with a child than with something else obviously wonderful and good. We need a pick me up. We need a hug from our father because we are both feeling the affect of this trying to conceive journey. Of life in general. We NEED you. I need you....so please. Even though lately our prayers may have been far and few in between....listen to our hearts. Bless us. Forgive us for being distant because we are feeling so downcast. Forgive us and pull us up out of this pit. Set a new song on our lips God. Set us up on a sturdier foundation so we can be unafraid to hope again.

♥ Jess