Bipolar Much?

I have been a complete roller coaster of emotions. Finally Monday I said this is enough.

I found worship music that spoke to my heart. I worshiped God fully, stretched arms out, tears falling down my face, and face on the cold cement floor. I told God "I am going to worship you with my every move." So I worshiped as I cried, doing laundry. I thanked him for the things I am currently blessed with: a warm house, a loving husband, a perfect puppy dog, and God that loves me for me.

I think what helped tremendously was my breaking moment Monday night. Where I cried and cried, and couldn't stop crying. I mourned over our loss. I wrote and I worshiped God that night. That and the gumption of getting off my bum and moving it to get some endorphines flowing!

James recommended that I watch Kim Walker's testimony. I would link but I am on my phone and it is too much of a pain. I watched it, and cried and cried. God loves me, and I am sure that I give Him as much joy as she did as He created her. And same with you. It was so amazing to hear the vision that God placed in her heart to witness how much he loves her. Youtube it, you wont be disappointed!

A song that really spoke to me was one from The Story titled "Who But You" it is Abraham and Sarah's song. Oh boy was that a song that made the tears fall. Because who but God, in all of our infertility struggles could get us to dare the dream of having children? We hope because he allows us to have hope. We are persevering through these struggles because He has allowed us hope, and my prayer for all of us is if pregnancy isn't something he has planned for us that the yearning would slowly fade and be replaced with a plan that matches more with God's.

While I hope and pray pregnancy is for me, I also have to pray that God would help my heart change to what His plan is. For now, I know adoption is in our future but I also have this hope that one day I will get to tell you about getting a dark positive, seeing our baby's heartbeat, feeling the flutters, seeing my husband's face as he feels his first kick, our birthing story, and all that goes with motherhood.

Who but You, Lord. Would let me keep the hope alive in spite of all that is against us? I am amazed by You. Angry at times, but know you are in control and that I shouldn't fear. Because, after all, if God is for me, who can be against me?!

Hope you all are having a fabulous night. ♥