Yup. False. Hope. And Other Infertility Ramblings.

13dpo and brown spotting. BFN. And crushed hopes. AF should be here Wednesday or before.

I truly cannot express the feelings in my heart 100% to a woman that has not experienced infertility and loss.

But here is my attempt....

Think of the one big thing you yearned to obtain/experience/earn, but when you got close to it you didn't get it. You either got so close and had it ripped out of your finger tips, or never even got to experience the excitement from the true possibility that it could be yours for the taking! Once you realize this isn't it, it isn't yours for the taking... You feel like a failure. Your life has to change, you have to accept a new path to take. Do you go for it again? If so do you keep your same method? Do you switch it up and try another venue to reach your dream? Or do you give up on it?

That's what it is like. Yearning to be a mother, an innate thing built into (most) women. Wishing to experience pregnancy. Having every sign and symptom under the sun. Only to get another visit from the nasty lady in red and the dreaded single pink line. OR you get to experience the hopefulness rise up inside of you. Early "promises" of life shown via two lines! Only to have the life snatched out of your uterus and have to experience the worst period in your life, emotionally and physically. And mentally. Because regardless of where the woman lands on infertility she still has choices to make.

TTC w/o medical help? TTC w/o an RE? TTC w/RE? IUI? Injectibles? Oral medication? IVF? Donor Embryos? Adoption? Or living a life childless?

I can cross off the last choice. That isn't for me.

I can tell you what being the last couple on one side of the family to have kids.

It means when we want to see any part of the family...our timing isn't most important (we don't have kids to plan around)

It means we don't get phone call updates or "hey how are ya doing?" calls (We don't have cute grand kids/ niece or nephews to talk to).

It means we get to hear the "enjoy being childless" comments.
Or the "So when are you guys going to start a family..." comments (which honestly are now becoming few and far between...same with the "when you guys are parents...." or "you will make good parents..." I think some have given up on it...)
Or from the ones who know we are experiencing infertility "God has a plan" or "just be patient"
Or better yet...the silence. No how are things going? No how was the latest procedure? Or what is the next step? Nothing. Silence about our infertility. Silence about one of the biggest things impacting our life at the moment.

No acknowledgement or "hey, what can we be praying for?" Or "If there is anything we can do to help out let us know (like helping with M when I have school, work, and someday another procedure/test)"

We don't get asked to babysit. Or invited to do dinner. We my friends, are the last couple to have a baby. The child challenged couple. With a teenager living under our roof and a grim outlook on any possibility of pregnancy.

I am feeling down today, can you blame me? I had all of this anxious hope bubbling up from so many different areas, and now...brown. spotting. Negative tests. And an increase in urge to eat chocolate. I need to stick to my guns though and make myself lose 20lbs before we do any other treatment or medical intervention. Even though when AF really starts I am going to have to fight the urge to make the call and ask for clomid.

Gah. Feeling hopeless and wishing for good news and good changes to come (by good changes I mean ones that will be best for us and be something we have been wishing for....)

Sleep is calling. Thank goodness I don't have to work tonight.