Dreaming? MRI Result.

I have been dreaming all the time lately. A few days ago about a resident that is the hospital. That she came back and died. What do you know...she is coming back on hospice.

Today I dreamed my ob called me. No missed calls...but I did have a voice mail. The doctors office. What do you know...

I my dear friends have a banana for a womb. A unicornuate uterus.
People thought unicorns didn't exist? They are wrong! I have one in my pelvic region. Good news, I have 2 ovaries. Bad news only one is hooked up.

Oh and I also have fibroids on the outside of my "uterine cavity" as was described.

Today is u/s. Now hopefully I have 2 functioning kidneys.

I am feeling like a real bitch. Don't tell me "it will happen" unless God has directly told you. Because there isn't any sure fire message to me. I have to change my thinking so it will match up to whatever God's thinking is. I don't need those comments or the "I know your pain" when you haven't experienced infertility or loss. I will take the knowledge you are thinking and praying, that you are sympathetic and compassionate to what we are going through. That you empathize with me...but don't sit there with baby in arms saying you know my sorrow. Because You. Don't.

The hateful bitch in me isn't about my news, rather the other drama in my life at the moment.

A had a meeting today with her child sexual abuse doctor. Aunt K told Mom she could go with. What happened you ask? Mom shows up and K is gone with A. Guess who let A spend the night at a friends house last night so her POS pedophilac husband could spend the night? You guessed it...K. The night before her daughter had a rape kit set up she isn't there for her...surprise surprise. And leaves my Uncle J (who owns the home) wishing he still drank. So prayers be to him that he stays strong and dry after all these years.

My mom drove to GR even though the hospital wouldn't tell them if they met up to appt. She is looking for K's truck in the parking lot. Because as of now she told Uncle J that she was taking N to a counseling session in their county. I think she is delusional herself and needs to get locked up in a looney bin.

If I see her any time soon I will full on punch her in the face, pressed charges and a night in jail would be all the while worth it. She is a piece of shit. A deserves better that her so called "mother".

I am frustrated beyond all means, pissed off and running on 3 and a half hours of sleep. Don't mess with me, because I am not holding back.

MRI and Wonders

Ok so my phone call to do list? Massive fail. I need to call DHS tomorrow, along with BCBS on why HSG wasn't covered. AND I have my u/s tomorrow.

I am 5 or 6 dpo today. Yesterday 4 or 5.

MRI had the "Is there any chance you are pregnant" type of question. Um...No. wait. Maybe? I wouldn't know yet, they wouldn't either. Do I click No? Or be honest and say yes I could be.

You must know me by now. I had to go and tell the truth. I am 4dpo I told them, fully knowing a beta and a pee test are not going to show ANYTHING yet.

They wanted me to wait to do MRI so I could take a beta hcg test. I told them there had to be a waiver. There wasn't. The only one was for known pregnancies. I fought for me to be able to do the MRI. Said I wanted it done. I have been ttc for over a year and a half, I have lost 4 babies, and I wanted it done by the end of the year for insurance purposes. PLUS I had taken my one vallium, which you aren't supposed to take prolonged use with pregnancy. It is a class D drug, avoid completely in pregnancy.

So if I am pregnant it will have to be a God thing in the first place, especially if healthy and viable. They tried telling me, "Well there is a chance the MRI could affect your pregnancy if you were and cause you to miscarry again." Reports I have read show results are inconclusive but if you are on prenatals and eat a decent diet the baby shouldn't be affected.

So there. I went ahead with it. And have a cd with the images. Once I know what I am for sure looking at I will post a few pictures of my insides! Haha it is SO stinking cool.

I was driving James buggy looking at them. At first I was like...seriously 11 photos? And after a half hour to an hour of looking and googling other images and about to give up, I decided to click and drag. And it shows all the layers of images within each 11 photos. It is SO stinking cool.

I published this earlier without the "wonder" part. I have noticed a few days after O dizzy spells where I have had to hold onto things to keep from falling (or at least feeling like I was going to fall...). I told myself I wouldn't over analyze this.

Then the normal Jessica thing happens...I think about when I was on progesterone and all the dizzy feelings I had. Then I notice I am still wetter than normal down south. THEN I notice my nails are getting longer. One thing clicked tonight, I ovulated good this month. Between the bountiful ewcm for 3 days, and the other symptoms...no dount in my mind. Maybe I should get a progesterone test done. Ha! I don't want the extra bill... *sigh*

I have had the "I am pregnant this month!" Feeling before but if I am honest the wave of doubt in my gut always hits. This month I keep saying there is NO way I am pregnant, and that same little voice that makes me question...asks me "are you sure?"

So I wonder. As I wait. If so, or regardless of when it does happen, please pray for it to not interfere with rn schooling.

Today is my u/s and I am hoping to get a CD of that as well. I might even ask for images of the HSG while I am at it. Then I can show you all the different views of my inner lady parts haha.

Last night was hellish at work. It made me want to cry and pull my hair out.

Christmas Happenings....

Well Christmas Eve after my last post I got a phone call from our local Kmart. I had a layaway there, and told my siblings sorry...Christmas is next weekend from James and I. Well the phone call said to call them back pertaining my layaway. I start thinking to myself, I know I had a payment due yesterday...I don't have money right now it is going to wait til next Wednesday. But there had been a secret santa that had started paying off people's layaways. I owed 190 on mine, and I was one of the luck ones that got to pick theirs up on Christmas Eve.

I bawled, like a baby. Seriously. I called my mom, and she cried with me. She said to me, "Jessica, you have to take this as a sign that everything will be okay." And she is right, I was so surprised and felt so so SO blessed.

That same day we got news that M and A's mom was going to be missing family Christmas (oh darn! *rolls eyes*) to take her husband to emergency psychiatric counseling. Seriously, she didn't see M or call him to wish him a Merry Christmas. And then Christmas morning she called my other Aunt's house to get the number to the facility she was going to be taking him to. Therefore...there was no emergency psychiatric counseling set up for his pedophilia nastiness...she was going to take him last minute.

Then we found out that her husband had went to west virginia to see his family. So...I googled the west virginia sex offender list via his last name. And low and behold a match. And M says that the man I found was  in some of the family photos his grandma had sent him.

It is disgusting. And I am ready to have A back at my mom's house before Aunt K runs away with her husband. She said that the reasoning she was taking him to counseling is because she "wants him to get better so they can be a family again." My best friend made a good comment to me, pedophilia is like a nasty disgusting form of alcoholism. You are never recovered. Just like alcoholics have to completely avoid drinking. Pedophiliacs need to avoid children, state mandated even. How does she expect to be a "family" when A won't be able to be around him even? Family to her must mean her and her husband.

Part of me hopes my mom gets custody of A and then once N does his prison time (which we haven't even heard anything about officially. So he is just out and about possibly still being a sexual perpetrator to other little kids.) she and he move out of state. Because her kids do not need them.

My Uncle J told my mom he is disgusted, because back when J was a heavy drinker still (he has been clean for over 4 or 5 years now I believe....*could be wrong*) and Aunt K and her family lived with him. He heard N go into M's room, which was right above his. He couldn't tell what N was doing but new M wasn't happy he was in there. So he told K to go get N out of there and to tell him to leave M the f alone. She never got up. She never helped M. That in itself is a sign that she new to me.

We look at photos of A when she was younger, probably like 5 or 6 in my graduation photo...she was skinny. Now she is a chunky monkey. We wondered why she was gaining all this weight. And now we have an answer. It is a sign of child sexual abuse. M turned to drinking and drugs. A turned to food.

Now I find myself questioning simple jokes, like ooh could that be taken the wrong way to a little child. When we sit next to each other and cuddle on the couch I watch her demeanor and her body language. I look at old photos and wonder, were they being sexually abused then? And it makes me want to throw up.

K doesn't deserve her children and tomorrow morning when I am making all of my phone calls I will be letting CPS know I think that.

My list of phone calls to make tomorrow:

• CPS/DHS to talk about M and A's case,  to let know M is living with us
• Blue Cross to make sure MRI will be covered and ask to see about IVP.
• Dr's office to ask about vallium for the MRI, and why the IVP hasn't been scheduled yet.
• M's teacher to have her help us set up strict rules and rewards for M. As of right now we are going with these are the rules (pretty lax if you ask me)...if you break them there will be consequences. You break our trust and there will be issues.
• Have M call silent observer to report on who he think did a break in in the town he used to live (the police showed up at Uncle J's house to ask where M was...he was here thank God! otherwise even if it wasn't him it would have been pinned on him.)

M went with Uncle J to pick up his stuff this afternoon, I watched A and she was so excited to be here. She had wanted to spend the night last night but until the case is closed James didn't want her spending the night so Aunt K wouldn't try pointing fingers at any other male figures in A's life. Which honestly made sense to me, because if she is wanting to be with N, I wouldn't put it passed her to make up more lies. 

Anyways, when M brought in his "dresser" which honestly is what I think of as a toy storage unit for kids....it was DISGUSTINGLY dirty. Like I should be showering now because it was so gross. So I took a good half hour and cleaned it. It was nasty. 

Christmas day itself wasn't too bad, other than my father was a jerk and wouldn't let us have more time in the morning with my sister Jo. Which made Jo mad and sad, I cannot wait until we don't have to work around his schedule for stuff...Jo only goes because she has to and wants to see our half brother and sister. (which by the way I have seen the girl once, and the boy never. The girl is 3 and the boy is 2).

It was a bummer working Christmas Eve, but worth it for the money. I just hope this coming weekend is more rest and relaxation than running around and being exhausted.

Hope you had a wonderful Christmas, cannot believe in 6 days it will be 2012.

Honesty.

These past few days I have been feeling some cramping near ovaries. First my right. And I thought, well at least I need not worry about pregnancy because my right one isn't hooked up.

Then my left ovary started aching. And aching. And holy ewcm. I knew I was ovulating, no opks needed. Still I knew pregnancy wasn't something I should probably worry about because with everything going on (M moving in, finishing my BV meds, etc) we hadn't had time to be intimate.

TMI alert:
James was conserned our bed would be too loud (ok. Maybe the noises that come with sex as well LOL hahaha) but then it happened. Not once but twice in one night. THAT my dear friends hasn't happened for several years.

So now the hope is alive. And consequences be damned. I would love a christmas miracle. 50% chance of miscarriage or not, the laughing monkey on my belly and heart full of prayer is where I am at. I have the great physician as my God. If he wills it to happen, medical findings won't matter.

I am still so disgusted and angry towards my aunt. And I am wishing for the best holiday we can have. My cousin A needs family but I don't know if we can deal with her mom. The christian part of me says we need to, just so we can allow her to see the light of it all. But the wordly part of me wants to hit her upside the head with a cast iron frying pan. Or a metal chair. Like on wrestling. Because honestly, she deserves it.

Then God reminds me, really? And what about your salvation? My grace? My Mercy? Do you deserve that? Um....(insert awkward stalling silence) no I don't. So while I 100% believe at this moment my aunt should NOT have her daughter, and I do believe my mom would be the best choice...(and that she should be hit upside the head by God and I) I do know that she needs prayer, mental help, and to be shown love. Even if I whole heartedly don't feel like it.

And that too kind of pisses me off.

So merry friggen christmas. Bah hum bug.

Bad News

A went back to her mom's yesterday CPS decided it was "safe" for her there because the perpatrator was kicked out by my aunt.

False. My Uncle that owns the home kicked him out in disgust. Not Aunt K. She still thinks her husband is innocent.

She still believes that SOB. Over her sobbing daughter over her angered son...she tells her husband "I'm so sorry what you have to go through."

I'm not sorry. It was his choice, I hope in prison he gets the same treatment. I am filled with anger and hate toward my aunt and uncle.

During the car ride from the hospital with A in tears all my aunt K could say is "I need a cigarrette. I can't believe this is happening to me." My mom, driving the car, reached back and held A's hand. K sat in the passengers seat.

Damn it all, if it was my daughter I would be in the back seat with her.

But she doesn't believe, or won't believe, her children. How freaking crazy is that?

I am disgusted and beyond anger and loathing. I am hateful towards her. My aunt or not, she deserves to be put away for neglect. Because...she had to have known. And as a mother how do you NOT protect your children? How do you NOT become an advocate for them.

CPS chose the pot smoking, pedifile rapist loving, worthless piece of shiza mom over my mother. One who reads her kids bedtime stories, make sure they have food in their bellies, clean blankets, meets their basic needs. AND makes sure they are excelling in academics. Aunt K is a failure. She said so herself, yet she takes her daughter back.

My favorite out of all of this? A's case worker is on vacation from today until January 2nd. So nothing can be solved until she is back. And the poor excuse for a father? He still isn't put away. He will enoy the holidays outside of jail. The rest of us are beyond ourselves. We are angered and distraught over the decisions and K and her nasty ass husband get to not be locked up. K gets her daughter back, and we are left speachless.
I haven't told M that his mom doesn't believe him. He already has sad he hates her. She won't appologize to him. It makes me sick.

Oh and I got my HSG bill back, the surgery portion of exam wasn't covered at all 255 for that and 179 to my obgyn office. So over 400 and 255 didn't go towards my deductible, so we still have about 500 left on that for insurance and the 3,000 on copay. I don't even want to know how much the MRI, U/S, and IVP are going to cost.

Anger, Disgust, and Lots of Tears

Before I tell the outcome of this all, I need to back up and start at the beginning.

Since I was in 9th grade I have been telling my mom if I was older I would fight for custody of M and A, my cousins. I have now been graduated from high school for five years. So for the past nine years I have known in my heart they needed to not be there with their parents. I never got the courage to call CPS, I only ever prayed for them. I saw their education slip, A gain weight and now develop educationally, and M go in and out of juvie. M get put on a tether. M move in with my mom. It was a mess. Then within the last month I heard my Aunt (their mom) say she couldn't wait for M to just move the f@*# away because he was such a problem child. It pissed me off, and at that time I started thinking about how M needed to get out of there before he got put in adult jail.

Then came the day when my mom told me M accused his dad of sexually abusing him and his sister...I bawled. I got weak at my knees and fell to the ground and cried my eyes out. I just knew it was true. My sister Missy and my husband were the only other one that believed him. And even then, I think if she would have heard it first from Mom she might not have because of how mom delivered the story initially (sorry Missy). But my heart just knew and it broke for them. We were the only ones who believed him. Out of aunts, uncles, and his own mother...we were the advocates for him.

M knew my mom wasn't believing him. He ran away for a day. I told her straight up, if I was in his shoes and telling the truth and she didn't believe me...I would leave too. A week passed, Mom had the kids still. And still was doubting. Until she had counseling for my little sister. And the counselor told her she needed to 100% believe M. And suddenly, she started believing. Things started lining up.

And then A told my little sister J that she would probably be going to school with her soon. A drew a picture that my sister S showed my mom (I have 3 sisters if you haven't caught on). From my mom's description...it was A with engorged private parts, her mom standing by her on a broom stick, and a male figure in all black with claw like hands and feet. The male was presumed to be her Dad. It made my skin crawl, like something right out of criminal minds from a child's point of view. It solidified it for me. Around this time I found out their mom (my aunt) decides she doesn't want M back 'when' she gets the kids back. That she chose to not kick her husband out OR do a drug test....she chose to lose her kids instead. And it pissed me off even more.

It gets more and more clear to me that M has been telling the truth as time progresses. He sticks to his story and repeatedly tells A she needs to choose to stay with my mom. And we start to remind A that there is a possibility she might not go home, that she needs to be prepared for either decision. But regardless she is loved. M moves in with us, he is so excited. And so is A for him. It made me happy and sad at the same time.

I had been pissed that they never did a rape kit on A to find out for sure this entire time. Because I can tell you, as a parent if it were my daughter that ANYONE turned in a suspected rape charge...together we would go to get it done. I would let her know, "Honey, this is going to be a little uncomfortable and maybe feel embarrassing....but I will be with you. You will be safe with me when the doctor takes a look at your lady parts. No matter what is found, it will not change what anyone thinks of you, I will still love you to the moon and back. This is something that has to be done because there is someone that says a man has touched you in ways he shouldn't have. If you know what I am talking about it is safe to tell the truth, but regardless we need to have this done for your safety."

That would have been my response. A & M's mom? It didn't get done until over a week after they were taken away. I did research on it, checked out articles online, found a journal entry for a physician. It said it should be done within the first 72 hours of a suspected rape case. My mom called me and let me know yesterday that A was going to get an exam. Instantly, I told her what I thought was going on. "Mom, this should have happened right away. This should have been the first 48 hours she was in your custody. They didn't do it because no one believed M. NO one believed him, thought he was lying so they ignored the rape kit. Now, people are questioning if he could have been telling the truth so now it has to be done." Her response..."That's interesting, you might be right." Darn straight I "might" be right. Idiots. If it would have been done from the get go all of this questioning wouldn't have lasted for over a week with the not knowing and such.

Yesterday before 8pm A admitted "it" happened once, when her dad was drunk. Her mom's response? Basically..."well it is okay because he was drunk, and it was only once." Um hell no. It is NEVER okay. My mom in disgust, anger, and sadness for A and M looks at A when her mom is out of the room and says..."You tell me the truth A." "It happened once." "Don't you lie to me, M told me the truth. He told me it happened the weekend before you came to stay with me. Don't you lie for him any more, don't you lie." "Ok...it happened twice (she said unbelievable)."

A asked for her mom to be able to spend the night with her. Did she comfort her daughter or say I am sorry to her son? No. She called her rapist husband and said, "I am so sorry you have to go through this honey, I love you so much." No joke, can't make this up. She is demented and disgusting. As my husband would say, she had to have know it was happening because any unsuspecting mother would be IRATE when they found out a rape charge was turning out to be true, especially if it was from her husband.

I have probably shared to much of their personal story here, but what I have to say is...I am proud of my cousin M for telling the truth and sticking up for himself finally. He may be damaged from it all, but he is not ruined. And my husband and I are willing to help him pick up the pieces.

I break down and cry when I think about it, it makes me want to puke. To chop hurt my uncle. To wish horrid thing on him in prison. But the real thing that gets me?

If we weren't here, my mom and I...where would M and A be? In foster care, in the system. Well out of the age group James and I have ever said we would venture. And I cried. And prayed. No one would want them. They would be considered too damaged. Too old, filled with too much baggage.

My friends, what if that is the journey we are meant to partake. I have prayed God would not allow it to be so, I want cute babies. But for two days now the message has been the same to me. We might have to foster older children, those lost and broken according to society. And in the midst of all of that, I may have to give up my dream of having a baby via pregnancy, or little children period. I don't know God's plan in all of this...but I hope it isn't true. Or it is true, but meant for when our little ones are out of the house.

But my heart today is breaking, into slivers all over the ground. Getting tracked here and there and bleeding for those in such situations where their parents try to keep them but do not parent and instead wound them emotionally, physically, and mentally. My heart cries out to those who are waiting for their forever families, for those waiting for an answer of what is going to happen. For the kids in foster care without family to help them.

I am crying for them, how about you? So many tears have been shed. In anger, disgust, and sadness this past week and a half.

Damn me for being so focused on my fertility issues in the past, there are bigger issues at hand. And I cannot be an advocate for these kids unless I am doing something to help them. Helping my cousins is a huge step in the right direction. It may be a long journey, but I know in my heart it is a God thing. And where God guides God provides.

Please keep A, M, and my family in your prayers and we go through the finalization. Pray that my mom gets to keep A, and that A's mom will get her head out of her ass and get her shit together. And yes, my language in this minute is necessary. Because I am fricking pissed and disgusted with her.

From A's mouth, please if you know my family personally do not tell any one. Because she doesn't want people to think of her differently. How does that not break your heart? I love her to pieces, and nothing can ever change that.

Nervousness and Thankfulness

Well M is mostly moved in. Since being here, when his sister was here he told her at least twice (plus a few more times on the way here my mom said) that she needs to choose my mom to stay with. That she cares about her and her education and she will have a better life.

When my mom went in to say good bye to M, letting him know he could move back with her if he wanted. His response was he would be okay but A needs to stay with my mom because "that f-er better not ever touch her again" Needless to say more and more people are beginning to believe him.

He is telling the truth, I am telling you.

Right now he is happily arranging his room. He is sleeping on an air mattress for now, but he is super excited about his own room and big closet. I hope he thrives in our home and the poor behavior will become a thing of his past.

He has yet to talk to me about anything, but it is okay. It may take time.

I am just thankful he is safe and we have the room to allow him to stay with us. Now if only A could stay with my mom all would be golden.
<3 Jess

Am I Okay?

I question this. I have moments of complete peace, peace that surely has to come from God alone. Peace that gives me knowledge that I am not in charge. None of my plan or my desires really matter, it should be about God's plan and turning my heart towards God and his desire's for me.

I say I am ok. That if we pursue pregnancy I will have to remember there is essentially a 50/50 (ok 49.9/50.1) percent chance that I will deliver a healthy baby or miscarry. But who can honestly remember that and not be an insane worry wart the entire pregnancy? Where is the joy in that?!

And honestly, with my cousin moving in with us we will no longer even have a chance of financially being ready for a baby. We are welcoming a 17 year old boy into our house. M. M is in an ei class, has attention problems, and is addicted to nicotine. He likes to find ways to get high. He has been sexually abused. He is a good kid under it all. If I had been sexually abused over and over by my father I would be a mess as well.

I can say, with my family problems I had a crazy childhood. Crazy teenage years. And now with infertility crazy adult hood. But had I not experienced the trials and tribulations of my past I would melt under the pressure and sadness of the past year and a half.

See, I don't have to go through this to find out I am strong. I know I am strong. The only difference is, now I know I am made strong through Christ. I cannot do this all by myself.

So, whether I get to experience feeling a baby poke at me from the inside, or watch my belly grow, or have my own delivery story, or go through the trials of foster care. Or adopt from another country. Or do a domestic adoption. It doesn't matter, in the long run it really won't matter. Because I will be a mom one day. And that is the ultimate dream of my heart. To hear a little voice call me mommy.

Is it a dream of my to experience pregnancy? Of course...otherwise I wouldn't be ttc. But I have faith God will change the desires of my heart if it isn't in the plan for me.

Do I hope and wish and pray it is? Of course. That isn't a question. Yet, I need to remind myself....it will be okay if I don't get to deliver a baby myself. God knows the plans he has for me. And I am praying my heart lines up with his heart.

Love and God Bless.
Jess

Post Secret

This could have been my post secret....

Follow Up Dr Appointment

Today was my follow up from my HSG that was done yesterday. It took about 45 minutes to actually see my doctor, but I didn't expect different. It was a Friday in the afternoon, they were bound to be behind.

Upon talking to Dr. H she said that she was hoping that I had a septate uterus that the septum was down close to the cervix, and the cath when inserted for the HSG had to pick a side to go up. That would be the ideal situation. Because a septate uterus can have surgery to be fixed, a cornuate uterus? Not so much.

Yet, we had to face potential reality and also talk about what our plan of action would be and what complications I could face.

First plan of action: find out if kidneys are functioning.

If you have a unicornuate uterus 40% of the time women have one functioning kidney or horseshoe kidneys that never separate. So to diagnose this we need to do an IVP (Intravenous Pyelogram), in order to do this I needed a Comprehensive Metabolic Panel (CMP).

So today I sat in the lab and waited after the appointment. Four hours later,  I called the lab and got the CMP results. My creatine level needed to be 1.4 or less to do the IVP, it was 0.7 so it is a go!

Further Plan of action: Do an IVP & MRI

The IVP is where a dye is injected into my vein and x-rays are taken to watch the dye flow through my kidneys, down to my ureters, into my urethra and finally into my bladder. It will watch how well my kidneys are functioning for filtering and the structure of my urinary tract. I have stopped taking my metformin to help be able to move up the test date.

The MRI is our choice over the laparoscopy simply because the laparoscopy would be invasive, and the doctor wouldn't know what exactly she would be facing. With the MRI we can know exactly where the kidneys, ovaries, and fallopian tubes are located. AND we would know 100% what is going on with my uterus, if it has a rudimentary horn, if it is a unicornuate (half) uterus, or if I have a large septum that caused the HSG cath to go only to the left  (praying for this!).

After the IVP and MRI we will have a clearer vision of where we are to head next. If indeed I do have a unicoruate uterus there isn't anything we can do about it except for hope and pray.

I did bring up the fact that we have never done a cycle day 3 estrogen check along with my FSH and LH then to check for Premature Ovarian Failure (POF) or Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR). When I first got diagnosed with PCOS they checked my FSH to LH value, with normal women it is 1. Mine was 3 or 4. Which can show PCOS (but they usually do not go by that anymore, it is more old school) OR it could show poor egg quality/less eggs. High FSH means that the follicles are being stimulated but none of them are mature enough to sustain a healthy pregnancy.

Dr. H said she wanted to wait to talk about that until we had the complete diagnosis. She did say she would be willing to do six more cycles of clomid if all checked out, and after that I would be moved onto a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). Honestly, it probably will be before that. I would like to be checked for more less common issues so we can do all possible to avoid miscarriage if and when another pregnancy happens.

The doctor had to be honest and give me the facts. She herself had to look up the stats, because a unicornuate uterus isn't that common. Here are some stats:

For women miscarriages happen 13-26% of time out of ALL pregnancies. She also broke it down by age
20-30 years 9-17%
>35 years 20%
>40 years 40%
>45 years 45%

 After 1 Spontaneous Miscarriage (SAB) - 20%, 2 SAB - 28%, 3+ SAB - 43%

With a unicornuate uterus (UU) ...first of all 10% of uterine defects are a UU, or 1 in 4,020 women.
On to the scarier facts...
2.7% chance of ectopic pregnancy (2% is normal)
24.3% 1st trimester miscarriage
9.7% 2nd trimester miscarriage
20.1% chance of pre-term labor
10.5% Intra-Uterine Fetal Demise (Stillborn)
40% chance of kidney abnormalities

49.9% chance for a live birth.

I have less than a 50% chance of having a living healthy baby in my arms with each pregnancy.
Really? WTH?


So here I am facing all of this. And pondering the fact that things are not 100% horrible, but know we have a rocky road ahead of us. Yesterday I didn't know how many more pregnancy losses I could face before it would be enough to break me. But, I have to question if my heart will be more broken facing miscarriage or not experiencing holding my own baby in my arms. Should we skip trying and go right to adoption? Or should we face hardship and believe in our God to give us a baby that would be a reflection of James and I.

I have to say, I was a pretty darn cute little kid. I would love to see one of me living and breathing here on earth. Regardless, our children...whether biological or adopted will be so immensely loved it is ridiculous.

HSG

Went in for my HSG today, and I left heart broken and distraught.


This is a normal uterus:

This is my uterus:

I have a unicornuate uterus. 1 in 4,000 women have it. According to about.com miscarriage happens in 37%, preterm birth in 16%, and term birth in only 45% of pregnancies of women with this defect.

 I feel broken. I have another doctor appointment tomorrow. 

House Guest

It looks like my cousin M will be coming to stay with us this weekend. I am nervous but as my husband reminded me, we have to show him the love of Christ.
M needs to learn people love him, that there are consequences for poor behavior, grades matter, and respect and honesty are a powerful thing. I pray that he respects us and our house. That he will listen and behave like a normal young man.
Quitting smoking won't be negotiable. He is 17 and that is NOT acceptable. He will not get free reign of running around after school or on the weekends. He will go back on his ADHD meds. These are things that matter to me. If he doesn't listen idk where he thinks he will go.
He has pretty much burned my mom out. My uncle J despises him, he can't live with his mom & dad, my aunt P drives him crazy (and couldn't handle him at all), and evidently living with his 14 year old gf and mom isn't going to work either.
He fabricates lies, but I pray James and I will be able to see right through them. I pray M finds Christ through us taking him in. And I pray for our finances!
Feeding and clothing a 17 year old boy will NOT be ideal or easy for us. And things will be crazy when I start school in January, so I really hope he respects us enough to obey by our rules even when we aren't here. I won't be afraid to ask his probation officer to place another teather (sp?) on him.
Here's to hoping M can get his head on straight. And become a help to society instead of a hinderance. Here's to praying for a miracle for this teenage boy to become a man instead of a boy in a man's body. Here's to praying we can become a parental figure in his life without many waves.
Here's to my sanity and following God's heart in a situation most would run from.
Please keep me in your prayers, because on top of all of this I have my HSG tomorrow. And I am quite anxious. Will update as soon as I catch a chance after it, and btw they bumped me to 130pm instead of 1. So I have to wait another half hour in anxious thoughts! Aaaaahhhh.
&hearts; Jess

When it Rains it Pours, We need to Pour out Prayers

Holy toots, today we got some crazy news. Where my family is there is bound to be drama. With my Dad's side it spurs from my father. With my Mom's side you have two choices: Aunt P or Aunt K's family.

Aunt K is the mom to my cousin M that got the girl preggers, just so you can have a reference point.

My cousin today came out with some startling news. News that if you knew him and didn't take into affect emotions, and thought about how he was supposed to have a court date that has a huge possibility of tossing him into jail (be praying!) you would say...NO WAY he is so LYING. But he cried. M doesn't cry. Ever.

Here is the tidbits of the story I got second hand.

M heard a noise from his sister's room and he decided that it was time to tell the truth: his dad had been molesting him since he was young. My mom got the call to pick him up. And he said to her something along the lines of, "I knew I was probably going to go to jail tomorrow, and I couldn't go to jail knowing that she wouldn't be safe from him. I can go to jail now, knowing she will be safe." And he cried. And cried. and cried.

When my Mom asked him why his mom didn't know, why she didn't do anything. M's response? "How did she not hear Aunt S?" She asked him, "You lived with me for a year, M...why didn't you tell me?" His response..."I couldn't deal with S's (my sister's) looks and judgement." And then he cried. He CRIED. How could my mom NOT believe him, I really think she is on the fence. He needs someone to believe in him. And I do, I believe.

M usually doesn't make sense and you can see right through his lies, or maybe that is just me.

When my mom was telling me this, I fell to my knees on the ground and cried. I haven't fallen to my knees like that since I got the first news that I was miscarrying soon. In the midst of my tears after talking to my mom, I sat on my butt and prayed, and prayed.

My cousin A said nothing happened. But if it happened to M...maybe it did, or maybe it will. About cousin A saying nothing happened...I asked mom...so did they do a swab or an exam to make sure? "No, she said nothing happened." SERIOUSLY? How many little kids are going to be brave enough to say yes, especially if they know they won't get to live with their parents.

But then again A understands what is going on a little bit, because in the past when M lived with my mom she asked her, "Aunt S, if something happens....can I come live with you?" Break my heart into a million pieces.

I just hope they believe M in spite of his lying past. I pray that my cousins will be safe, and be able to be out of that environment. I poured out my heart to God and said shame on me for praying so hard for a baby all the time and forgetting to pray for these two, when something within me since I was in high school has said I would fight for custody if I was older. My mom has always poo-pooed it off. And she kind of is this situation too.

If M doesn't get placed in jail, it is obvious he will not be able to return home. James and I would have to have a serious talk with each other and M, but I would love to extend our home open to him. M has a history of lying, stealing, and misbehaving. BUT with a positive male role model in a loving home M blossoms. I can't explain it, you'd have to see it to believe it.

It is one of those situations where you wish it didn't make sense. I wish I could say things didn't line up. But they do. His history of misbehaving, of fighting with my Uncle, of early sexual behavior, and choosing to go back home from my mom's.

Now I think the reason he chose to go home was for A. He is a good kid underneath it all, just has had a shitty hand dealt to him when it came to parents. Ones that couldn't overcome their past, which reminds me...we honestly know nothing about my Uncle's past. I have always wondered, but he would never talk about it. And now it makes you wonder if there is a reason why...a reason why he doesn't see his kids from past marriage.

So I am asking again for prayer, but not prayer for me (well maybe to be able to have the option to bring him into our home)...instead prayer for my cousins. Prayers that the cops would believe M if what he is saying is true. I say if lightly, because I believe him. I believe. And it makes me feel sick.

 Now I am thinking about having to find the money to buy a 17 year old clothes, food, and help him to become a man instead of a boy in a man's body. Where God guides God will provide. That is what I have to lean on at this point.

Cousin's Baby

The girl has decided she is keeping the baby. At fourteen. Her mom says she is giving it up. I think it will be a last minute thing if they choose adoption. a =( Oh well. Wasn't meant to be, and if it is...it will still happen. But if not, no biggie...that's why I wasn't holding my breath.

Duggar Family

I have to tell you first of all I LOVE the Dugger family. Do I think they are crazy for as many kids they have, kind of...because I wouldn't want it. BUT I do have to say, I think their principles that Michelle uses is so amazing. She follows what she believe God wants for HER so we shouldn't judge.
Secondly, if you didn't know after Josh (her oldest) she had a miscarriage. So she too knew the pain of a loss. But now she went in for her gender ultrasound for her 20th and found out the baby had died. She had a second trimester miscarriage. How DEVESTATING! Regardless of what # the child is. Miscarriage is devestating to a family regardless of how far along the woman is, I have never passed 6-8 weeks. But I do have to say when I saw the second line I have loved every baby.
So my heart is pouring out love and prayer to Michelle and her family. But to the people who think it is just and right to be mean and hurtful with their words towards the situation make me sick.
Her baby died. Period. Allow them to grieve. Stop staying things like, "Maybe it is God's way of telling her to stop having kids" or "She had to know it was bound to happen..." or "Thank goodness the world is overpopulated already and they have a litter of kids" or "good, maybe now she will get fixed."
I want to shout at these people...Shut. UP! Seriously, shut up! Zip your lips. Your insensitive comments are why normal women keep their losses quiet so they don't have to deal with your idiotic insensitive hateful words. Just stop it. Allow her to grieve. Allow her family compassion.
It makes me SO ANGRY!
And I don't know if it is her loss or just hormones but tonight it is hitting me hard. I probably have 4 babies in heaven now instead of 3. And there is NOTHING I can do about it. God can choose life and he can choose to take it away. My babies are with the Dugger baby in heaven. And one day we will be joined together finally. And my tears will be no more, or at the very least be tears of joy.
Sadly, I am starting to long for the day when I will get to meet them. I want to hold them close and love on them. I want to sing them to sleep, and rock them in my arms. I want to see what James and I look like joined into one being. I want them to know they are so incredibly loved. I want to fall asleep with a babe on my chest. I want to change their little diapers, feed them, and make them laugh. I long for that day. I long to meet my babies.
Today is a tough day emotionally at the moment, but I will get happy. It is my husband's birthday. Happy Birthday James! 26!! Yikes, ya old fart! =)
I am hoping before his 27th birthday he will be a daddy, because he will make a WONDERFUL one.
Back to work for me. <3

HSG : Updated

HSG is set up for Thursday the 15th. Still waiting on the time. May be looking for someone to go with me if James for some reason cannot. Nervous. and Anxious.

1pm Thursday January 15th is my appointment. Waiting to see if James can get that day off or come in late, or I may as SIL to come with if my sister can't. She is coming down that day anyways. We shall see....I am getting it done by a doctor I haven't met with so it should be interesting. The first time a doctor is down in that area it is always uncomfortable. lol

I have to arrive 15 minutes early and have taken one of my 800 ibuprofen an hour before the HSG is scheduled. I SO hope it doesn't make me ridiculously crampy.

January 2012

In January of 2012 I will be sitting, butt in seat, in a nursing class.

I will be going to a free seminar with fertility specialist The Fertility Center the good thing about this place is there main campus is in GR, which is about an hour from my house, but there is also a doctor in the same building as my OB/GYN. As long as school doesn't interfere with the date (January 19th) I will have my butt in a seat there.

In January of 2012 I will have my bridesmaid dress ordered. And I hope to have started exercising at a gym.

I have so many hopes for the new year. 2011 has brought many struggles, many hopes, and so much into our lives but I just have a feeling 2012 will be crazier and filled with more hope, struggles, and joy.

My plan for this month is to relax, to enjoy my last month not in school, and to work on my diet and exercise in spite of the holiday season. I want to enjoy Christmas and take a small time to mourn Sam's loss before I move onto craziness of the new year without using OPKs or counting how many DPO I am.

So THERE, world you can't bring me down! I am being strong in the Lord and knowing that God is in my corner and nothing can prevent whatever plan it is He has for me!

Ephesians 6:10 "Finally be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might."

Oh and I forgot to mention, so far so good. I am in the nursing program! :-D

And The World Laughs...

So after driving an extra 20 minutes after work this morning to go to the lab. After checking CM at home to see if it was even pink (nope it was same old brown spotting). After getting poked. I get home and I go potty before bed, and what do my eyes see? Red blood. Enough that I popped in a light tampon. Enough that today is CD1. So there was nothing shocking when the OB office called and my hcg was <2. Less. Than. 2.

At least now I know it is easy to get blood work for betas and progesterone. I learned that at least.

Ok and now for my other lab work.

Non Fasting Glucose: 85 - Good!

Rubeola (Measels) immunity - Positive (I can't catch it)
Chicken Pox Immunity - Positive (WooHoo no vaccine needed for me!)
Rubella immunity - Negative (This shows I haven't contracted it...I am not sure if they missed the other part or what...so hopefully this doesn't cause an issue with my RN packet)
Mumps - Positive (another YAY!)

And I just realized I hadn't done background check yet...so hopefully that gets cleared by Friday. I am all over the place lately. Not good. Blah. I must have had it on wrong side of folder. I just asked and it usually takes 5-7 Business days. BUT we have a BIG God, so I am asking you all to pray that within 3 it is cleared and back and not causing any issues for me. (Lord, please, please, PLEASE, help me with this background check getting done in time. You have covered me in your wings thus far in the process so I pray that this will not be any different. You are the one that has allowed my financial aid to clear, for my lab work to be done earlier than expected, and now will allow my background check to be cleared sooner than thought possible. You are a big and almighty God that is making my path into the RN program. May Your will be done in this situation, may I be able to enter the nursing program this January knowing that it is God breathed that I would be there. May you give me peace as the rest of the week ensues. Thank you for those praying along side of me, please answer this small miracle for me Lord!! In Jesus' name...AMEN!)

So yeah, there is my day today. The world is laughing trying to watch me break, but God has my back and He will hold me together.

♥ Jess

Blood Work & 300th Post

Well, this blog-a-holic has reached 300 posts. I had dreamed recently this post would be filled with good news. With a photo of a BFP. But alas, 15 dpo...CD 32 and I am still spotting like I would if my period was ending.

Sorry to be graphic, but it is the type where there is stringy-ish brown tinged cm. Well it varies between that and brown sometimes rusty colored wetness when I wipe. Seen red red once, maybe...but went right back to brown. Been wearing pads for the past 2 days because I thought for sure I was going to start and I am out of panty liners.

So this blood test today might be a waste of money, but worth it for my sanity. By the end of the day AF or not I will know for sure if a baby is or was attempting to grow. I should know by 3ish this afternoon I would think. If not then before work for sure.

I had forgotten my wallet at home and needed to go get the lab work done. I had decided I wasn't going to go bc I feel like AF is coming. But then I went potty and there wasn't any vhange in color of spotting. NONE, in fact it went back to the brown strings from the almost red color. What the heck? So my brain tells me...well it could be like with Sam. You felt like AF was coming, cramps and all. What if it is low progesterone that is causing the spotting? What if not going to get checked out is what CAUSES a miscarriage? Would you rather know you did everythingor wonder? What if it is another miscarriage would you rather know or not know? I would rather be in the know. Even if it is harder on me.

Blah, ok blood work here I come. Later regardless of results I will update. All including what I had tested for dr appt last week, evem though it isn't as interesting.

From a Resident's Lips!

I was joking around with a resident. And while talking too much I had a brief on upside down, so I had to re do it.

I teasingly told her, "If you don't feel like loving me because I try to button you in backwards I'd understand!"

"Well that doesn't sound aweful, it sounds fun-ful" LOL she was too cute.

As I was getting ready to leave she saidm "You are the one that is really cute with the babies."

"Honey, I don't have babies."

"Not now, but you used to."

(Insert creapy silence, because I hadn't told her about my miscarriages)

"And hopefully you will again some day."

"Well I sure hope so!"

Now she is a resident that sees people in her room sometimes. Whenever I am in there she always says there are babies. When my coworker is in there there is a man (her brother died several years back). Idk what it means. But it is odd to say the least.

And what she said about hoping I have babies again....that is my hope. For a healthy pregnancy.

AF is still not here, but spotting is. It is a dark brown.rusty red brown color. And last night it came out when I wasn't wiping. So it is getting heavier...I think AF will be here today. BOO

Brown Spotting

Like lots of it. I usually spot pink before my period. So now the obsessive questioning starts again. What the heck body? Just start already! I have one cheapy hpt left, and waiting til Wednesday if AF isn't here.

Spotting doesn't give me hope really, ok maybe a glimmer because of color. But alas again a waiting game.

Hope you all have a happy Sunday! May God bless you on this rainy december day in Michigan.

Can't Bring Me Down...

Today I am going to deck the halls with christmas stockings, hang some more lights outside. MAYBE get our Christmas tree (we don't have a truck so it all depends on when James's dad can meet up with us...he said 1 but I need to be at mom's then).

We are going to see the Wizard of Oz at the GR Civic theater. Then stopping at Jo-Ann's and probably Michaels. We need to get last minute supplies for christmas ornament decorating.

I promise I will post pictures and directions. =) I am pretty excited I hope they turn out good.

On other news...I checked my CP and CM. It is low slightly open and very litghtly tinged brown CM. And cramps have gotten worse. AF is on her way, I told James about my disappointment.

I still have hope that my SILs and I will experience pregnancy together. Or at the very least they will all get pregnant and we will (hopefully) adopt. I can't imagine not experiencing either along side of them.

I was talking to Crystal, and I really wish we would have splurged sooner on an RE. April seems too far away. But I know we need to have money in savings for all the tests, procedures, and potential medicines. BUT I would love it if we got an au natural pregnancy during the wait. I no I said no medical stuff during this wait, but what about my fertility blend stuff?

James and I were talking and think we need to focus more on our diet and weight loss. Maybe set a goal that we HAVE to lose before we can see a RE. Which means January we are possibly joining We.ight Wat.chers and definitely the gym. I figure if worst comes to worst I can read on the eliptical like I used to to study, haha. So hopefully 2012 will bring many new exciting changes to our lives! Weight Loss! Nursing Program! Baby(ies)! Praying hard for all of these things!

Jess

Possibly, Maybe? Nope, Don't Get Too Excited.

11/30 - I took a three tests today. One looks very fainly positive, and other two negative. I am hoping for the first frer to be true. I saw it and did a double fist pump, yes...I was on the potty when I did this. Get a good humorous image. Laugh, and then do what I did...tear up! I am 10dpo

12/1 - I took two more tests, and I am thinking yesterdays were evaps. the frer test still has color on the outside of where the line should have been but nothing in the middle. The wondolf was a stark white BFN. 11dpo

12/2 - I took another test. I am out of frer. The wondolf was BFN. 12dpo. AND now AF type cramps are coming.

Stupid evil evaps. Conclusion? AF should be here by Wednesday. My bbs and n.ipples are sore. But the nip added now makes me think AF bc it is late in cycle. We shall see.

I really thought this month I was going to conceive. I just had this feeling deep within my heart. But feelings can be wrong I suppose.

BLAH.

Also, a Jack update...after the teeth escapade. He had uncontrollable diarrhea. Let's just say I didn't know he wasn't feeling well and left him out of kennel like I normally do. And now I have to clean my carpets this weekend. THEN when the runny poopy went away my husband noticed a worm in his formed poopy. That is right. I had to go BACK to the vet because he had tape worm. Shoot me now!

Back to my disappointment. I hadn't posted on here about it bc I had dreams of telling people on Christmas. Or waiting until valentines. I really wanted my Christmas wish. I wanted to see a heart beat and share the news with family. But alas, false hope. Like always. Why is it in the beginning it took 3 months to get pregnant. And I didn't get pregnant any month of clomid. It has been 5 cycles since my chem in June. And before that my last miscarriage was in January. That is a LONG flipping time.

God, why the long wait to bless us? How depressing it is. I see others get BFPs and truly get happy for them. But then I start to feel sad because it still hasn't happened for us. It has been a year since my first miscarriage and we still don't have our take home baby.  I am at my wits end Lord, and I truly need to hear your voice in all of this.

Bad Mommy to my Jack Jack

Our poor puppy today went in for a dental cleaning. They said it was going to be $70, but due to me checking that he could have teeth extracted if the doctor thought it was necessary.

I didn't know how bad they were. I knew the gums above two were red and inflamed, but only because last vet appointment he had pointed it out to me. But they were bad enough those two were pulled.

So the $70 bill turned into a $160 bill. So this month we have spent 300+ on Jackers. Money is ridiculous. Every month I think we are going to finally get to pay off debt or put money in savings the world laughs and toss more obstacles in front of our path.

I am sick of money issues. Which might be why my back is hurting today, stress can do crazy things to our bodies. I have also been super emotional today, irritable and unable to stop. Been on the brink of tears too many times to count today. Roller coaster!

Baby Update

My mom called me this morning after I got home, and let me know what is going on with the baby mama and her thoughts on adoption.

She is indeed 14, and wavering between adoption and keeping the baby. Her mom, my aunt, and Michael all think she should give the baby up for adoption. They are having a meeting with her tonight to talk over the pros of adoption vs keeping the baby. I should call my aunt and let her know we would be willing to allow her to keep in contact with the baby.

If she agrees to adoption, we will make a sit down meet and great with her. It feels like it is getting more real, I really should start looking up Michigan adoption rules.

I think it would be a blessing, and it would turn me utterly speachless. This girl could change our lives forever!

In the back of my mind I hum and haw over what if we get the go ahead for adoption, and then find out we are pregnant. I would struggle between feeling selfish for wanting to keep both, and feeling overwhelmed and blessed. Because what about my friends L & M? I want us both to be mommys at the same time!

God, my prayers are for fertility blessings to be bestowed upon my sisters in laws, and my friends trying to conceive. May you bless us all with a child and all that is to come with it. I pray in the waiting we will be gracious and filled with joy and hope for the future. And that one day this time of waiting will make sense, and be utterly worth it. I pray for the little baby growing in this young mother's womb. That you would help her to have the courage and strength to do whatever is right for this baby. And that you would give me the ability to accept whatever the answer is. May you keep your hand on us, and protect us from evil. Bless us all beyond our wildest imagination, and remind us this holiday season of Your amazing grace, goodness, and love. In your son Jesus Christ's name I pray, Amen!

Chocolate Milk Obsession...

I seriously don't know what is up with me lately. Usually I can talk myself out of picking up chocolate milk. But lately....not so much. I drank a hallf of gallon from thanksgiving on through the weekend. And today I couldn't say no at the gas station.

I am going to call it PMS. BUT in the back of my mind I take a survey of my possible "symptoms" of early pregnancy. Tender bbs, fatigue, frequent urination, bigger appetite, small cramps off and on....you get the picture.

I am 9dpo, so much for not counting days. So much for a super relaxed month. Did I mention I did end up testing? I succumbed to temptation and decided that the sooner I get them out of my house the less the temptation there will be. Because once they are gone I will not purchase until I experience a late period.

We got dumped on by snow, it is cold! So you would think my craving would be for hot chocolate...but it isn't! But because of snow, today at TSC I picked up a snow shovel, and an ash bucket for our pellet stove.

Speaking of cold...our front door entry way should be called our "breeze"way because if you stand by it you notice a substantially cooler temperature. When you place your hand near the door you can feel a not so subtle breeze blowing in. And our livingroom windows? Watch closely and you can see the curtains flow in the blustey breeze. Next spring/summer we WILL be getting new windows and doors. But for this winter....bring on the caulk, plastic window wrap, double layered curtains, and blanket over the front door (and possibly nailing it shut with board on the outside. I told James we could just go in and out through the garage. So we shall see what happens.

This weekend I would LOVE to be able to park in the warms and shelter of the garage!!

Hope this Wednesday brings each of you love and joy!

Jess

Achey Joints

I don't know if it is the snow or the vaccine but my joints are so achey. Like I could cry. I have resisted taking ibuprofen, but if it keeps it up idk how long that will last. I have tylenol 3 that is safe I believe for if possibly pregnant. If it doesn't go away, I am taking one!

Liebster Blog Award

Liebster is a German word which means "dearest" or "beloved". It is also used to refer to as someone's "favorite" and the idea of the Liebster Blog Award is to bring attention to blogs with less than 200 followers that deserve more recognition and encouragement.


I was blessed to be chosen by three lovely ladies My Journey to Conception by Lady Bug, My Journey Through TTC...so far... by Amy and Robert, and I think it is time by Crystal. These women have been a wonderful support and encouragement to me during my ttc journey.


There are certain rules that come with the Liebster Blog Award
1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.
2. Reveal your top five picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
3. Copy and paste the award on your blog.
4. Hope that the people you've sent the award to forward it on to their five favorite bloggers and keep it going!


First of all, I have to say I would have picked all three ladies listed above had they not chosen me first! 


Lady Bug - I know you are on your beginning of your TTC journey, but knowing that you have endo and possible issues ttc...there is no better place to go to than friends for support. Be it in the blogger world or in real life. The fact that you are going to get good medical help for free is such a blessing! I hope you get your baby sooner rather than later.


Crystal - Pregnant with triplets! Whoohoo! I am so glad your FET stuck, you are going to be one busy momma in the future. You give me hope and are such an amazing support system. I will always be here for you, no matter what situation. My husband was amazed that a "stranger" would send me a birthday card and a gift. But you are more than a stranger, though we haven't met in life...you are a great friend!


Amy  - Here is to our ttc journey and one day experiencing the joys of a BFP and pregnancy together! And also, I feel you are correct we will keep in contact for a long time, even if you stop blogging...I have your email! haha! :-) I hope you and your husband get your BFP together soon!


So now onto my five picks!!


Beauty Will Rise by Mattie - I am not sure if I have commented on her blog at all to be honest, but I follow her story, and have cried so many times reading through her blog. They have endured so much, two precious babies have entered into heaven. God has blessed her with a little boy, and she is now on a mission to adoption!


Chasing Our Stork: From ART to Adoption by Baby Hopes - I have only commented a few times on this blog as well but truly think her story is amazing. She and her husband had been actively ttc for 5-6 years. They started pursuing adoption and fully did not expect to get pregnant by themselves. They hoped, but weren't too optimistic. But SURPRISE!! They are! I know she has already been awarded, but she truly deserves it!


Foster Care: Our Love Story by Teresa - She is an amazing Mommy to her foster care babies. She gives me a glimpse into the world that James and I will probably one day enter. She herself also had fertility issues but found joy in foster care!


Life's a Dance by Jill - I have to apologize to Jill I have been a slacker friend lately. We have talked since before May. I was in a horrible spot with bitterness when she got her BFP. She is now 20 weeks and I plan on being a better blogger friend! Jill herself has the cutest little girl, two angel babies, and a little boy on the way. 


My Life, My Thoughts, My Journey by Ashley - She has been a good support system. Her and I both talk on a thread on www.countdowntomypregnancy.com. Ash recently got her very first BFP! After several horrific rounds on clomid, if all goes to plan she will be a mommy in August!

Emotional Moments.

I have a confession to make: I watch Sister Wives. It is a guilty pleasure. I used to say it is like a horrible train wreck, you want to look away but you can't. I don't agree with multiple wives, but think the large family is amazing. I could never participate in that relationship, I am too jealous of a person.

On the last episode of Sister Wives Robyn had her baby. I cried and cried at that moment. But then Robyn offered to be Meri's surrogate for her and Kody. Kody and Meri have been married for 20 years and have one child together. She has fertility issues. Kody told her he was willing for them to go through with IVF but she said no. The possibility of a surrogate really will make her question I bet.

Then I had a thought about my sister-in-laws. Jessi is pregnant, and Amy and Laura are trying. How amazing would it be if God blessed all of us with 2012 babies. I would love to experience pregnancy with all of them. What a joy to bring us ALL closer together. I will be honest, I may struggle if they all get pregnant and I am the lonely only. BUT I have a BIG God. And feel like this could be accomplished in Jesus Christ's will for our lives.

I have asked James to pray for this blessing to come to pass, and I am going to ask you to do the same.

I can remember when Jessi had Graysi and Amy had Molli telling Laura I felt like James and I were going to be the last to have kids after they were already done, and then all of my future babies' cousins would be much older than them. It is my wish for my children to grow up in a close knit fun loving relationship with aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins. I fear that the bigger the gap the harder it will be.

Before I go, I wanted to share a poem I wrote before James and I even decided to go ahead and start trying. Before I knew I had PCOS. Before we knew the ache and pain of loss. Innocence and prayer filled my heart that day, just as tears fill my eyes, and hope and prayers fill up my heart today.

Here it is:

You Are Loved

My heart cries out
Wanting fulfillment.
I've loved you already
And you aren't even here.
Not in my womb,
Not on this Earth.
But Jesus knows you.
And in my heart I pray.
I pray for your future,
For us to be good parents,
Your health and protection.
I've loved you already,
And only Jesus knows
When that time will come,
When I'll get to meet you,
Hear you heart beat,
Feel the tiny butterflies
As you move about inside.
Daddy already loves you.
And says I'll be a good Mommy.
But until you are here...
I shall wait for God.
For God's perfect timing.
For the cries of our hearts
To reach God's ears and be answered.
You're not even here yet...
And already you are so loved.

A Slacker's Update

Hey ladies (and gentlemen...though I doubt any read!), I have been super busy. I am on my sixth night in a row tonight. Working six in a row is tough in general add third shift to the mix and you get one cranky Jessica. I have had less than five hour uninterupted sleep any of the days except for today. I am looking forward to more sleep.

I am currently at the doctors for my physical for the RN program. I am excited to finally have it done. It is due December 9th. So on my day off I probably will be running up to the school.

I have three nominations for the Liebech (sp?!) award. I promise I will post on that tomorrow, sorry I haven't gotten back to these comments. I have been a slacker. Sorry!

I have one more crazy update from thanksgiving.

The SIL (from the East...HAHA ok that was bad...the one I haven't had issues with!) came in with her two girls in tow. The girls didn't have coats on and clinged next to her. I thought it was weird. And a few minutes in realized the littlest girl's shirt said, "Big Sister in Charge" after a five minute debate in my head, "is that a hand me down? No I don't remember Aud wearing it. She wouldn't let Grace wear it, ...would she? Wait. Does Aud's shirt say something? Is Jess pregnant? No they are done. Can it be? Ok I'm going in."

I moved next to the girls with my other SIL (she who must not be named) in between us. At this time I confirmed Aud's shirt said the same thing, so I said to Grace "Big sister in charge huh?" G is 3 and A is 5. A went crazy at this question, giggling and getting a crazy smile. "Guess what it means Aunt Jess!" After teasing and saying, I don't know, you tell me! I finally guess, "Does it have something to do with a baby?" "YES AUNT JESS, MOMMY IS PREGNANT!!!" Jessi (SIL) says to Audrey, "Yup and what do we call the baby?" "BooBoo!" Jessi, "Yup, because...whooops!" So I ask her how far along is she. She says she thinks about 3 months they have know for about 2 weeks.

Other SIL finally catches on, and shares with the whole family. So, I am going to be an Auntie again. She goes to the Dr Dec 1st. She isn't too excited, she obviously doesn't have fertility issues. She was on birth control. She took it like clock work, she is a pharmacist so she knows about medicine interactions. They had been talking about getting my BIL's junk in no more baby making order. You get the picture. So this pregnancy is a surprise. He is excited, she not so much. They already gave away all things baby, and she is none too excited.

But due to what I posted on last, nothing could get me down. The possibility of having a child of our own via adoption, possibly close to Jess is AMAZING! I am also about 8 dpo and experiencing fatigue (working a lot though + family thanksgivings is going to = lack of sleep), moodiness (lack of sleep = increased crankiness), and my bbs are tender (could be normal, but nips aren't hurting yet). So in about a week I will test to see if AF hasn't made her evil arrival.

I have thought about it, and if we are pregnant. And the girl wants to still put her baby up for adoption, I will give her us as an option or one of my good friends. I haven't talked to her about it, but L & M have been ttc for 2 years (or there abouts). She is the one that was concerned about a brain tumor (and got cleared! No worries about that! This upcoming cycle may be her first time going through with an IUI, it depends if her interview goes well and she gets a new job offer!). Anyways, they plan on adopting as well. So if for some reason the girl isn't comfortable with us, or maybe just maybe we get pregnant and decide we don't want two at once (idk if that would happen!) we could give her another option of a close friend that I am sure would be willing to work with the mom if she ever wanted to visit.

Update: went to doctor Tdap, tb test, and 6 viles of blood drawn later I have to wait about a week until I can have all my paperwork to turn into the RN department at school.

Also, my best friend Jenny sent me a text today, they had to put her dog down. She was very old and pretty sick/weak. She knows the dog is in a better place and no longer in pain, but definitely missing her doggie already. Please keep her in your prayers! May God give her peace and healing during this tough time.

Glimmer of Hope.

Before I give you the glimmer of hope I have had, I have to give you background history.

My Aunt Kathy lost her baby girl at 21 days old when I was in 5th grade. She had a son at the time, and eventually went on to have another baby girl. Due to this loss, an alcoholic husband, and not knowing God my Aunt subconsciously (or consciously I am not sure) stopped disciplining her children. Now her son Mike is 17, and has been to juvie twice, is up for more accounts of stealing, has been on a tether, and in the past lived with my mom for almost a year. Her daughter Samantha Jo didn't go on to be remembered in their family. Uncle Nick turned to alcohol to drink away his pain. She couldn't be discussed. It makes me terribly sad. Ashley is now 10 (or turning ten next month!) and is behind in almost every class. My heart hurts for them. If I had been older I would have fought to have them myself. To be not only their cousin but their guardian. If if if....I wish that I could do more to help them. I think about them and my heart cries out, tears sometimes flow, and I get angry at my Aunt for not treasuring the miracles in front of her.

My cousin Mike pretends to have this hard front, but I think he acts out to get attention. Any attention is better than being forgotten. When he lived with my Mom she asked him if he wanted to stay with her, he said no after a huge hesitating quiet moment. He said no so he wouldn't hurt his Mom. And instead he has hurt his own future. He is a good boy, but I am afraid he will always be a boy in a man's body due to lack of parenting.

Skip back to about a month ago, to an episode of Adoption Story (yes the show is still on Discover Fit and Health). Two back to back episodes of open adoptions. And I said a little prayer in my heart that I would take a baby however God decided to grant me with one. Be it natural, international adoption, domestic adoption, or foster care....or one of each. It has been on the back of my mind, along with the questioning of will I ever get to experience pregnancy? when will I get to see another BFP?


Skip back to two days ago. I got a text from my sister Stacey. She said Mike got a girl knocked up. My gut turned. And questions flew out..."How old is the girl?" "WHAT? How is is that HE can get a girl pregnant, but I can't get pregnant?!" "What does the girl plan on doing with the baby?" She jokingly called me a baby stealer. Just joshing, but I can see how crazy women choose to steal babies! They are just insane for following that crazy idea! (I promise I am not one of those crazy women!)

Today I was talking to my mom on the phone to get more information on what is going on with this "situation". All the while hoping she wasn't going to tell me that the girl was going to opt for an abortion. The girl is 14 or 15. Her mother do not want her to keep the baby. The girl herself smokes pot. I am trying not to judge her, but the questions again fill my thoughts..."How can SHE get pregnant?!" "Seriously?!?" Mom filled me in on possibility, but unlikely charges of statutory rape (the mom lets the daughter smoke pot...I don't think age of sex partner really matters...especially if she let them date).

Then Mom says this to me. "Ashley said to me, 'Aunt Sue I am going to be an aunt!' So I asked her, what Michael thought about the girl being pregnant. Then Ashley said, 'He says it is okay because they are just going to give the baby to Jessica!"

I fought back tears, and hope. And the mixture of both. The questioning started again, "God is this why we haven't gotten pregnant? Is this why I saw those episodes of open adoptions? What if this really comes to pass? What if I am getting excited for nothing?" I still haven't told James, but I will today. I was praying yesterday for good news on thanksgiving. What if this is our good news?

On the flip side, Mike is all for me...but what if she isn't? I need to look up adoption information for domestic adoption. I don't even know how far along she is. God protect her pregnancy. And give me peace about this if it is where our first baby is going to come from.

Happy Thanksgiving, I am holding back tears! Last year I was experiencing the worst of my miscarriage this day, this year I am filled with hope. No promises, only hope.

♥ Jess

Doom and Gloom NO More

Well after freaking out all morning about the dreaded financial aid fiasco I decide to check it again (after checking countless times this morning) and lo and behold...my financial aid is in place again.

No phone call. No explanation. Magically it is there. And a weight is lifted off my shoulders (a HUGE weight mind you!). I had been thinking about what it would be like waiting ANOTHER year to start the program. (Update: just got a phone call when finishing this post. There was a glitch in the system when they upgraded it. I was one of a handful of people that got booted off the site and had to be re-added.)

THEN I hear a honk from outside. It is a vehicle I do not recognize. Upon getting closer I realize it is the mail lady. And then start leaping with joy inside as I remember my friend Crystal was sending me something in the mail today.

I quickly grab the mail from our mail lady (whom I now can say have officially met, and she seems pretty nice). And run inside to open my package. And this is what I find...

The monkey laughs when you squeeze it's toes. It is called tickle toes haha. I love it. When I opened it I started smiling and laughed quite a bit when I heard the giggling monkey. 

Then I opened the card. And the water works started. Tears of joy and thanksgiving, tears of feeling blessed for having a friend that would send me such a gift and kind words.

The front of the card reads, 

"Thinking of you at thanksgiving. 

There are people who touch our lives in ways that they themselves don't even know."

And the inside?

"You're one of these special people."

With a special note.

The note made me cry.

Why?

The monkey has been prayed over by her, her sister, and her mom to help us conceive. 

I texted Crystal, thanking her. And let her know, I now officially have my future child's first stuffed animal. When I am feeling down about waiting I can remember those who are praying for me simply by looking at the monkey. And if I am super sad, I can squeeze the toes to hear laughter to brighten my heart.

I am blessed.

On another note. Of other happenings in my life....

Don't mind the messy hair, my nephew decided to play with it and frizzify any potential curls popping up.
Also notice the swoopy bangs. Went long so I could decide later if I want them to go shorter.

My new hair cut about an inch or two taken off and added layers

This is what we installed last weekend and is heating our house.

And don't mind that it is sideways
(have I mentioned how much I hate that you can't turn them on here...)
These are the pellets that got passed down through the window.
Not looking forward to doing this once a month in the winter.

 Well that is it for today, I am off to spend minimal amount as possible on groceries to last us til Wednesday. We are on a VERY tight budget this week. Looking forward to next weeks pay check with holiday pay.

♥ Have a blessed Day! ♥
Jess

Cloud of Doom and Gloom is Hanging Over Me

Today I am a cloud of doom and gloom.

First I log on to check my email and I get one that says my financial aid payment has increased from 380 to 780 for 2 months. I log on to my school website and low and behold suddenly I don't have financial aid any more? WTH? So I looked and I did my entrance quiz so who knows if my school will fix it before my first payment is due and my acct is drawn into the negative December 5th (seriously I have 12 days to get this fixed and either get my financial aid figured out or find 780 dollars some how...that is more than our house payment!)

Secondly I feel excited for women getting their BFP or good news but then I have this moment of depression for myself. It makes me start thinking that it will never happen for me, that life isn't fair, yada yada yada...negative Nancy I know. I try to change my stinkin' thinkin' but I am SUCKING at it lately.

Thirdly, I seriously had a discussion with my husband last night about going back to TTC simply so we can have sex on a set schedule instead of him being tired or making up excuses because our schedules don't line up. We made it work when TTC but now that we aren't it doesn't. I don't think so, NOT working for me. Ok so I am being a b word about it. I sometimes do think if there is something wrong with James for me to have a bigger sex drive than him. Stupid PCOS.

 I am stressed out. Stupid MONEY. We stopped TTC because of money, if financial aid doesn't go through I will have to not go to school because of money. I HATE money. This isn't right, gah I am so ready for once to have one thing work out smooth without too many hiccups.

Lastly, on a whim I decided to get my hair cut last night by a friend. M came over and watched "Once Upon a Time" with me, followed by "Last Man Standing" and "New Girl". At least these shows make me feel good with laughter and their plot lines. An escape for me I suppose. I now have small swoop bangs that are really more like a shorter layer to my plethora of layers. My curls are back! And my hair feels so much lighter. At least I have one thing going for me.

My Coworker's Dreams. My Hope.

My coworker (we will call her HH) she tends to have dreams that come true or were true in the past. She has had a dream where I had a baby boy and recently another where I am pregnant.

It makes me even more hopeful. But, I am trying to remember my hope comes from the Lord and only He knows how the future will unfold.

This month is the first month in ages that I have had abundant ewcm, I had my +opk already but I am still getting stretchy ewcm so I am not 100% sure I ovulated already or am gearing up still. Guess we had better BD again today to make sure we do everything we can to catch the egg (oh darn haha).

On a side note my back hurts, I need to go to the chiropractor. Me + Steps + The Dark + Trying to be Quick & Quiet = Bad Plan. I feel right on my butt down 2 or 3 steps enough for me to laugh at myself and then realize OUCH my back hurts. I may have to see about going today, it is all sorts of out of wack. Not fun.