I question this. I have moments of complete peace, peace that surely has to come from God alone. Peace that gives me knowledge that I am not in charge. None of my plan or my desires really matter, it should be about God's plan and turning my heart towards God and his desire's for me.
I say I am ok. That if we pursue pregnancy I will have to remember there is essentially a 50/50 (ok 49.9/50.1) percent chance that I will deliver a healthy baby or miscarry. But who can honestly remember that and not be an insane worry wart the entire pregnancy? Where is the joy in that?!
And honestly, with my cousin moving in with us we will no longer even have a chance of financially being ready for a baby. We are welcoming a 17 year old boy into our house. M. M is in an ei class, has attention problems, and is addicted to nicotine. He likes to find ways to get high. He has been sexually abused. He is a good kid under it all. If I had been sexually abused over and over by my father I would be a mess as well.
I can say, with my family problems I had a crazy childhood. Crazy teenage years. And now with infertility crazy adult hood. But had I not experienced the trials and tribulations of my past I would melt under the pressure and sadness of the past year and a half.
See, I don't have to go through this to find out I am strong. I know I am strong. The only difference is, now I know I am made strong through Christ. I cannot do this all by myself.
So, whether I get to experience feeling a baby poke at me from the inside, or watch my belly grow, or have my own delivery story, or go through the trials of foster care. Or adopt from another country. Or do a domestic adoption. It doesn't matter, in the long run it really won't matter. Because I will be a mom one day. And that is the ultimate dream of my heart. To hear a little voice call me mommy.
Is it a dream of my to experience pregnancy? Of course...otherwise I wouldn't be ttc. But I have faith God will change the desires of my heart if it isn't in the plan for me.
Do I hope and wish and pray it is? Of course. That isn't a question. Yet, I need to remind myself....it will be okay if I don't get to deliver a baby myself. God knows the plans he has for me. And I am praying my heart lines up with his heart.
Love and God Bless.
Jess
I am praying for you also.
ReplyDeleteSomeone told me the other day that I am going to be tired of the word mom and I told them that I will never be tired of that word because I have worked to hard to hear it. Do not give up, you will be a wonderful mom.
Wow. Beautifully said.
ReplyDeleteCrystal - thanks. And I agree! You will be a wonderful mommy, that may be drove crazy at times by your name (Mom! Momma! Mommy!) being called out by three little munchkins. You will be so incredibly blessed it is crazy!
ReplyDeleteStill Hoping...thank you ♥
I love this. You are so much blessed to have such faith my friend. Continue trusting Him and I'm 100% sure that He has something really big waiting for you. God bless!
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