Anger, Disgust, and Lots of Tears

Before I tell the outcome of this all, I need to back up and start at the beginning.

Since I was in 9th grade I have been telling my mom if I was older I would fight for custody of M and A, my cousins. I have now been graduated from high school for five years. So for the past nine years I have known in my heart they needed to not be there with their parents. I never got the courage to call CPS, I only ever prayed for them. I saw their education slip, A gain weight and now develop educationally, and M go in and out of juvie. M get put on a tether. M move in with my mom. It was a mess. Then within the last month I heard my Aunt (their mom) say she couldn't wait for M to just move the f@*# away because he was such a problem child. It pissed me off, and at that time I started thinking about how M needed to get out of there before he got put in adult jail.

Then came the day when my mom told me M accused his dad of sexually abusing him and his sister...I bawled. I got weak at my knees and fell to the ground and cried my eyes out. I just knew it was true. My sister Missy and my husband were the only other one that believed him. And even then, I think if she would have heard it first from Mom she might not have because of how mom delivered the story initially (sorry Missy). But my heart just knew and it broke for them. We were the only ones who believed him. Out of aunts, uncles, and his own mother...we were the advocates for him.

M knew my mom wasn't believing him. He ran away for a day. I told her straight up, if I was in his shoes and telling the truth and she didn't believe me...I would leave too. A week passed, Mom had the kids still. And still was doubting. Until she had counseling for my little sister. And the counselor told her she needed to 100% believe M. And suddenly, she started believing. Things started lining up.

And then A told my little sister J that she would probably be going to school with her soon. A drew a picture that my sister S showed my mom (I have 3 sisters if you haven't caught on). From my mom's description...it was A with engorged private parts, her mom standing by her on a broom stick, and a male figure in all black with claw like hands and feet. The male was presumed to be her Dad. It made my skin crawl, like something right out of criminal minds from a child's point of view. It solidified it for me. Around this time I found out their mom (my aunt) decides she doesn't want M back 'when' she gets the kids back. That she chose to not kick her husband out OR do a drug test....she chose to lose her kids instead. And it pissed me off even more.

It gets more and more clear to me that M has been telling the truth as time progresses. He sticks to his story and repeatedly tells A she needs to choose to stay with my mom. And we start to remind A that there is a possibility she might not go home, that she needs to be prepared for either decision. But regardless she is loved. M moves in with us, he is so excited. And so is A for him. It made me happy and sad at the same time.

I had been pissed that they never did a rape kit on A to find out for sure this entire time. Because I can tell you, as a parent if it were my daughter that ANYONE turned in a suspected rape charge...together we would go to get it done. I would let her know, "Honey, this is going to be a little uncomfortable and maybe feel embarrassing....but I will be with you. You will be safe with me when the doctor takes a look at your lady parts. No matter what is found, it will not change what anyone thinks of you, I will still love you to the moon and back. This is something that has to be done because there is someone that says a man has touched you in ways he shouldn't have. If you know what I am talking about it is safe to tell the truth, but regardless we need to have this done for your safety."

That would have been my response. A & M's mom? It didn't get done until over a week after they were taken away. I did research on it, checked out articles online, found a journal entry for a physician. It said it should be done within the first 72 hours of a suspected rape case. My mom called me and let me know yesterday that A was going to get an exam. Instantly, I told her what I thought was going on. "Mom, this should have happened right away. This should have been the first 48 hours she was in your custody. They didn't do it because no one believed M. NO one believed him, thought he was lying so they ignored the rape kit. Now, people are questioning if he could have been telling the truth so now it has to be done." Her response..."That's interesting, you might be right." Darn straight I "might" be right. Idiots. If it would have been done from the get go all of this questioning wouldn't have lasted for over a week with the not knowing and such.

Yesterday before 8pm A admitted "it" happened once, when her dad was drunk. Her mom's response? Basically..."well it is okay because he was drunk, and it was only once." Um hell no. It is NEVER okay. My mom in disgust, anger, and sadness for A and M looks at A when her mom is out of the room and says..."You tell me the truth A." "It happened once." "Don't you lie to me, M told me the truth. He told me it happened the weekend before you came to stay with me. Don't you lie for him any more, don't you lie." "Ok...it happened twice (she said unbelievable)."

A asked for her mom to be able to spend the night with her. Did she comfort her daughter or say I am sorry to her son? No. She called her rapist husband and said, "I am so sorry you have to go through this honey, I love you so much." No joke, can't make this up. She is demented and disgusting. As my husband would say, she had to have know it was happening because any unsuspecting mother would be IRATE when they found out a rape charge was turning out to be true, especially if it was from her husband.

I have probably shared to much of their personal story here, but what I have to say is...I am proud of my cousin M for telling the truth and sticking up for himself finally. He may be damaged from it all, but he is not ruined. And my husband and I are willing to help him pick up the pieces.

I break down and cry when I think about it, it makes me want to puke. To chop hurt my uncle. To wish horrid thing on him in prison. But the real thing that gets me?

If we weren't here, my mom and I...where would M and A be? In foster care, in the system. Well out of the age group James and I have ever said we would venture. And I cried. And prayed. No one would want them. They would be considered too damaged. Too old, filled with too much baggage.

My friends, what if that is the journey we are meant to partake. I have prayed God would not allow it to be so, I want cute babies. But for two days now the message has been the same to me. We might have to foster older children, those lost and broken according to society. And in the midst of all of that, I may have to give up my dream of having a baby via pregnancy, or little children period. I don't know God's plan in all of this...but I hope it isn't true. Or it is true, but meant for when our little ones are out of the house.

But my heart today is breaking, into slivers all over the ground. Getting tracked here and there and bleeding for those in such situations where their parents try to keep them but do not parent and instead wound them emotionally, physically, and mentally. My heart cries out to those who are waiting for their forever families, for those waiting for an answer of what is going to happen. For the kids in foster care without family to help them.

I am crying for them, how about you? So many tears have been shed. In anger, disgust, and sadness this past week and a half.

Damn me for being so focused on my fertility issues in the past, there are bigger issues at hand. And I cannot be an advocate for these kids unless I am doing something to help them. Helping my cousins is a huge step in the right direction. It may be a long journey, but I know in my heart it is a God thing. And where God guides God provides.

Please keep A, M, and my family in your prayers and we go through the finalization. Pray that my mom gets to keep A, and that A's mom will get her head out of her ass and get her shit together. And yes, my language in this minute is necessary. Because I am fricking pissed and disgusted with her.

From A's mouth, please if you know my family personally do not tell any one. Because she doesn't want people to think of her differently. How does that not break your heart? I love her to pieces, and nothing can ever change that.