I miss you

I miss my little blogging family. My sisters that I could go to with every simple or complex struggle and bare my soul without judgement and often time compassion and virtual hugs.

I miss friendship. I miss not sitting in the drivers seat of the struggle bus.

If I was honest with myself I would tell you I am struggling with negative self talk and I miss my strong optimistic faith in God and things working out for good.

If I wrote on her candidly like I used to I would tell you I am on CD 11 and as of yesterday I still had some brown spotting. My body has gone crazy and my ass has gone fat. Seriously probably a good thing our scale battery died because last time I stepped on it....it mooed at me and popped up reading 224.

And most importantly I miss me. The me I used to be before infertility and loss ravaged me.

The holidays are wicked hard. I have had so many losses and bad news around the holidays. And now my hubby's back is hurting and what was supposed to be me working my butt off to get us sitting better financially has turned into maybe he will need to be on short term disability and leaving me feeling quite hopeless and helpless.

The small voice in me says every little things gonna be alright. But the larger part of me says What the fuck are we going to do? I don't usually swear but hell just didn't seem fitting in that sentence.

It's just the place I am at right now.

Update on 50 in 2015

1) Get under pre-pregnancy weight (192...currently 212.8  fat, so that means I need to lose 20.8 lbs  22+ lbs, haven't stepped on the scale recently.)
2) Finish reading the bible (so I can say I have read every book in the Bible) (so I can walk closer to God)
3) Go to the zoo  We took Matthew this summer and he LOVED the tigers.
4) Go to Boulder Ridge

5) Spend a night with James, away from Matthew (Any volunteers to baby-sit?)

6) Read 10 books for fun. So far I have read 8: Divergent, Insurgent, Alligance, Eragon, Eldest, Inheritance, Brisingr, This Present Darkness, The Circle Maker, Every Bitter Thing is Sweet, Piercing the Darkness, all 12 Left Behind books, working on Crazy Love and about to start Jen Hatmaker's For the Love

7) Have a plan for when I will start nursing school back up. I started this Fall! Eeek.

8) Have all 3 credit cards paid off
9) Be 100% caught up on behind bills from my knee/life.
10) Put downpayment on a cruise for March 2016 with my family (including my sisters, mom, and possibly others! <<   We decided that this one was not practicle for us where we are in life right now. :-( Bummer! But we went to the aquarium together and this weekend we are going to spend the night in a hotel and do something fun together.

11) Pay off all of my medical bills from my Knee

12) Make a business plan for James...for his produce business.

13) Get Matthew into his own room. 

14) Organize our basement

15) Get the shelves hung up in our bathrooms James finally did this, minus the one for downstairs but I am counting this as a win!

16) Get prices for re-doing our Kitchen and Living Room 

17) Organize our office

18) Clean up the garage

19) Work on keeping the house clean on a regular basis (I now have an actual chore list for the week, sadly, I am a terrible housekeeper, and my husband is just messy)

20) Take Matthew to see a movie at the movie theater  We went to see Inside Out, it was super cute!

21) Take Matthew swimming When we went to the hotel before the aquarium Matthew went swimming and was having a blast, a little unsure of it but enjoyed it just the same, we also went to Lake Michigan and he was definitely unsure of the waves!

22) Take a trip to Frankenmuth/Birch Run

23) Go camping at least one weekend.

24) Go to Catch Air with Matthew 

25) Have a thousand dollars in an emergency fund.

26) Have a month's worth of money in an emergency fund

27) Get pregnant with a healthy sticky baby OR have an appointment set up with Kwak-Kim
28) Go on 12 date nights with James  I have went on 2! This has went on the wayside, sadly. Still at only 2 I believe.

29) Take a weekend trip to either Chicago or Washington DC - I think this might be a next year goal as well, it is getting to be busy season for James and with school starting back up it is not ideal.

30) Purchase set of essential oils

31) Make a prayer picture book for Matthew.

32) Attend a small group on a regular basis.  I started to go to my women's small group on a regular weekly basis and then it ended for the summer. I am starting a prayer small group! I am a little anxious but excited about it.  I failed at my own small group, but am very excited for small group to start up next month.

33) Blog at least 4x a month (that = 48 posts in 2015) So far I have posted 34 times but it is random and sporadic and not all are spread out to once a week.

34) Go out for a girl's night out.

35) Go to one of those canvas panting places.

36) Give up McDonald's for at least a month (though I would be okay with water, ice cream, and coffee from here ;-) haha)

37) Host 6 game nights with friends and/or family.

38) Have family photos taken this summer or fall.

39) Look more closely at foster care classes and their guidelines

40) Fence in our backyard

41) Have 5 bonfires  1 - James, Matthew and I had one bonfire with just the three of us. 2 - We went to a bonfire at Jenny's

42) Have a swing set or other play thing in the backyard for Matthew.  Mom and my sisters went in on a swing set for Matthew, he loves it!

43) Run or walk a 5K

44) Order wedding photos (Finally!...we have been married for 5 years already...)

45) Go to a shooting range with James

46) Have the money for James to purchase the rifle he wants.

47) Tithe on a regular basis (feel like this should be closer to the top!)

48) Swimming lessons for Matthew

49) Build a cube organizer for Matthew's room

50) Organize all the closets (there are 4 in our house)

So far 9 are completed, and I have progress on 3 that seem obtainable.

A lot of these dreams that include finances will not be able to be realized this year, but that is okay. This is where we are financially, even if it is sucky. This week I was reminded how rich we truly are, even though we feel ridiculously broke all the time. Tithing really needs to happen, I keep not making it a priority and I think our lives show it right now. It is the one thing that God says test me on in the Bible. At this point I would be supper happy if we made 25 of these in 2015. Cannot wait to see what the rest of the year and 2016 bring! 

A Moment of Disbelief

So I haven't been doing so great lately (horrid actually) at praying, reading Bible, and having a conversation all day with God. I am tired of feeling so disheartened and separated from Him. There I was doing dishes, listening to a podcast by Nancy Leigh DeMoss.

It was on really knowing Jesus. I felt overcome by the holiness, goodness, and mercy of Him. Tears began to stream from my eyes. God bumps formed on my arms. And suddenly I noticed the front of my shirt was wet.

My milk had let down. Something that hasn't happened since Matthew was a newborn. Granted I had a day of a barely there faint test and now nothing...leaving me wondering if I had been pregnant or if it had been a fluke. But for my milk to let down?

I stood there in disbelief staring at the 50 cent piece spot on my left breast and nickel sized spot on my right. Praising Jesus made my milk let down? What did that mean? All I could do was shake my head a little bit. Because seriously, what in the world do I make of such a thing? Maybe a promise of another baby some day? That's what I am hoping. ♡

Rough Times

Things have definitely been rough lately in our household. We are struggling pretty badly with finances. And right when I think we are going to be back on track something happens. Two weeks ago-ish the dryer broke. Completely out of the blue. The following Monday I got a flat tire when I got out of work at midnight. Which resulted in two new tires needed. Then my washer decided it would be best to just disperse sand among all clothing instead of washing it out.

Then this week Tuesday I smelled something nasty from the fridge...and it was chicken I brought home Friday night. And the ham I had gotten out of the freezer. Rotten.

Our fridge is dying officially. I am over it.

Our house payment is ridiculously behind. I have anxiety. Feel depressed.

And then get an email from school that I might not be getting financial aid. If that is the case I will not be going back to school this fall.

Insert deep sighs and a few tears. And a little boy that keeps telling me "I want a baby momma"

I am so tired of riding the struggle bus.

Prayer Time

Our routine for bed always consists of lots of hugs and kisses, recently we have added reading a children's Bible, some nights nursing, and always...prayers. Often 2 or 3 times before Matthew is content.

We have started asking him what or who he wants to pray for. It varies from person to person. Sometimes Boppa, Stacey, Grandma, a lot of times Daddy gets extra prayers, or Jack and Jill. Recently? A Baby.

Matthew has been praying for a baby.

He has a super sense and eagle eyes for when a baby is near. I am not even kidding we will be heading into the gym and he will notice a car seat, stroller, or a baby in someone's arms. And yell out, "I want the baby, I want to go touch him." (Like go say hi and pat his head lol or give hugs/kisses).

I have been having some sadness and baby envy growing each passing day since our last miscarriage. My heart aches. I want for him to be a big brother. I want to be pregnant again. I want him to see his prayers come true.

James said in the prayer to please make Matthew be a big brother and prepare my womb for a baby. And while I was smiling at the cuteness of it all...I was crying inside.

Every time someone says to me over Matthews love for babies...."You had better work on another one, Mom"....my heart gets super sad. It happens at least once a week. AT LEAST. And I am not exaggerating.

I have recently started to pray that God would thwart the plans of the devil and heal my womb. I am so tired of struggling in most areas of life. I feel depressed some days. But with Matthew asking for a sibling and people rubbing salt on the wound the days I feel depressed grow deeper and wider in my life.

I know a baby doesn't fix things. I am just wishing that for once, things would run smoothly. That for once we wouldn't struggle and that joy would be the biggest song in my heart once more. That this fog of the "blahs" would break free from over our home and fatigue and sadness would flee from our presence.

I Cried

My husband and I were watching seasons of Parenthood. When the tears flooded in unexpectedly.

I cried for the baby we just lost. I cried out about the dream of having a big family. Of wanting at least 4 kids, and our struggle to just have Matthew.

About financial struggles that I had never dreamed for us. I cried.

I cried. About dreams gone by and now I am left in the aftermath asking God to give me peace and guide our path. Because thus far my dreams have been trampled in the mud.

Like my car in the flooded road. Ruined for the moment with need to deep clean get down to the bear basics and slowly put back together....some day, maybe.

*sigh*

Bye Bye Little One

I have another post brewing but today with the quarter sized clots and the increase in both blood flow and cramps I am taking this moment to say goodbye to another baby. I took the leap and threw away all the positive tests.

Instead this is all I have to hold on to to remember my baby was once alive and thriving. I will be praying for God to give us a name for this little one.

Bring on the Rain

Flash back to last Saturday. I am feeling hormonal, crazy, and so irritable. I say to a friend please pray for me, I don't know where I am at in my cycle I tested it was negative and feeling nuts.

My guess is that I was about 7dpo that day, though I have no clue because for the past 3 glorious months I haven't really tracked my period and have had it come on its own without a question in my mind if I was pregnant.

My prayer had been "Lord keep my womb shut until you are ready to bless us with a take home baby."

Now I sit here facing a slew of light tests that have gotten lighter in the past 2 days and a digital test that reads back to me "Not Pregnant"

And a wedding to celebrate at on Saturday.

And a potential diagnosis of a heart defect from my echocardiogram that was "Mostly normal"

Shoot me now. I haven't even told James about this pregnancy because I was so hopeful that God was going to come through for us for this pregnancy. I wanted to surprise him with a digital test that said 3+ weeks pregnant and a day off from work to go to an ultrasound.

Wishful thinking. Stupidity. Whatever you want to call it. Hope got the best of me this cycle.

Me and You

Do you sometimes feel like God this is just me and you. I am leaning and depending on you. No one else can provide this for me. No one. The only way this can happen is through you.

So you come before God with petition after petition in your prayers. Leaning on the scripture that says the one who asks receives, the one who knocks the door is opened. And you pray that it will open for you this time that you will finally be the one to receive.

I am in this place once more (for several things) but especially in the area of babies. Several months ago I stopped worrying about ttc or getting pregnant and losing another baby. I simply prayed and believed that God could and would seal my womb until he was ready to bless us with a take home baby.

By my fatigue and hunger this month the what if!?! Questions bubble to the top. The thing is, I have NO clue where I am at in my cycle. None. I think my period is due the next week or so. How is that for relaxed?

Leaning on God that I will not be pregnant OR that I am pregnant with a sticky baby!

What a place to be at. My anxiousness tries to take over. But I am doing my best to shake my head at it and say no not today, Jesus has me covered. And h
His way is the best.

Update on 50 in 2015

1) Get under pre-pregnancy weight (192...currently 212.8, that means I need to lose 20.8 lbs)
2) Finish reading the bible (so I can say I have read every book in the Bible)
3) Go to the zoo
4) Go to Boulder Ridge

5) Spend a night with James, away from Matthew (Any volunteers to baby-sit?)

6) Read 10 books for fun. So far I have read 8: Divergent, Insurgent, Alligance, Eragon, Eldest, Inheritance, Brisingr, This Present Darkness, The Circle Maker, and working on Every Bitter Thing is Sweet and Praying for Your Elephant.

7) Have a plan for when I will start nursing school back up. I talked with my school, and I will start back up this fall...if nothing gets in the way :-)

8) Have all 3 credit cards paid off
9) Be 100% caught up on behind bills from my knee/life.
10) Put downpayment on a cruise for March 2016 with my family (including my sisters, mom, and possibly others! <<

11) Pay off all of my medical bills from my Knee

12) Make a business plan for James...for his produce business.

13) Get Matthew into his own room. 

14) Organize our basement

15) Get the shelves hung up in our bathrooms

16) Get prices for re-doing our Kitchen and Living Room 

17) Organize our office

18) Clean up the garage

19) Work on keeping the house clean on a regular basis (I now have an actual chore list for the week, sadly, I am a terrible housekeeper, and my husband is just as messy)

20) Take Matthew to see a movie at the movie theater

21) Take Matthew swimming

22) Take a trip to Frankenmuth/Birch Run

23) Go camping at least one weekend.

24) Go to Catch Air with Matthew 

25) Have a thousand dollars in an emergency fund.

26) Have a month's worth of money in an emergency fund

27) Get pregnant with a healthy sticky baby OR have an appointment set up with Kwak-Kim
28) Go on 12 date nights with James  I have went on 2! This has went on the wayside, sadly.

29) Take a weekend trip to either Chicago or Washington DC

30) Purchase set of essential oils

31) Make a prayer picture book for Matthew.

32) Attend a small group on a regular basis.  I started to go to my women's small group on a regular weekly basis and then it ended for the summer. I am starting a prayer small group! I am a little anxious but excited about it. 

33) Blog at least 4x a month (that = 48 posts in 2015) So far I have posted 26 times in the past 4 months, and none of them were in the month of April.

34) Go out for a girl's night out.

35) Go to one of those canvas panting places.

36) Give up McDonald's for at least a month (though I would be okay with water, ice cream, and coffee from here ;-) haha)

37) Host 6 game nights with friends and/or family.

38) Have family photos taken this summer or fall.

39) Look more closely at foster care classes and their guidelines

40) Fence in our backyard

41) Have 5 bonfires  1 - James, Matthew and I had one bonfire with just the three of us. 

42) Have a swing set or other play thing in the backyard for Matthew.

43) Run or walk a 5K

44) Order wedding photos (Finally!...we have been married for 5 years already...)

45) Go to a shooting range with James

46) Have the money for James to purchase the rifle he wants.

47) Tithe on a regular basis (feel like this should be closer to the top!)

48) Swimming lessons for Matthew

49) Build a cube organizer for Matthew's room

50) Organize all the closets (there are 4 in our house)

There are so many focused on finances and it makes me anxious being that our tax refund sucked and I go back to school this fall which means we will probably have tight budget again. Struggling most of the time pay check to pay check is exhausting, and it is no matter what I do. It sounds pathetic. I feel like at 27 years old I should have this figured out. I might add 25 more with hopes of hitting 50 in 2015.

Weight Loss And Life

Weight loss had stalled. This past weekend I weighed myself in at 217.4, Before that I had gotten up to 220 lbs. Not even joking. So really in 2 weeks I have lost like 2.6 lbs, but only 0.6 from the last time I weighed in. I am doing my best to try to focus on not binge eating when feeling stressed or emotional and instead turn to Jesus during those trying times.

Let me tell you about a few of these trying times. Most have to do with work as of lately.

Friday I didn't check to see if all of my CNAs had their hair up. Throughout the entire facility everyone has been super lax about this one. It is written into their code of dress...but so is wearing white socks, and I think even white tennis shoes. Anyways, state came for a visit. One of my aides that didn't know of this rule just had her hair behind her shoulders while feeding residents breakfast. Down came the big boss, the DON, yelling at her and me in front of the state lady, residents, and other staff. It was a joyful time to have my job threatened. Again. Fun stuff.

Then this weekend I had an admit, my very first. And it just so happened that somehow between the other facility and ours six of the resident's narcotics came up missing. Que massive freak out and pit in my stomach. Messing with narcs is not something to be taken lightly when it comes to your license and job. I was mentally preparing for the worst. It was terrible, an hour later both of the big bosses said it was fine to take what had been brought with them and to just chart on it. Also had to let the family know that somehow (ahem---or rather someone) took the medication between here and the other facility. Never again will I take a medication bag outside of family's view to sort through them if there is a possibility of narcotics being in it. Lesson learned.

On a positive note, James has been helping out by doing dishes lately and it has been fabulous. It allows me to focus on other areas of the house. Overall our house is still messy but much less so than it was. He says to me, "I've been wanting to do this for awhile, I thought maybe it would help fill your 'love tank'" I love that man. :-) It worked. It helps he hasn't been working tons of overtime so he isn't as tired as he had been.

I also got the part time float position at work. Which means vacation and sick time. Chance at getting short term disability. Overall good things, it does make me anxious to no longer be able to pick my schedule and be at their mercy. Oh well, it is what it is. Wish me the best?

Yesterday, I was so thankful to go to church. It was a pretty good sermon but to just be present with others that believed and worshiped Jesus was a blessing to my soul. I had missed that so much. I wish I could go every week, that is a huge downfall of the medical field...having to work weekends. While at church I learned that one of my old friends, I may have written about her before M (the one I lost over our breastfeeding argument), well her dad passed away from cancer and his funeral was on Saturday. I felt horrible for her, but it also was a small kick to the gut. Like I truly guess I lost my friendship with her, because no one spoke up to even let me know that he had went downhill that quickly or that he had passed away. I cannot imagine how she feels. I know there is nothing I can say or do, but also feel like trying to send a text or a card might even be out of line, stepping over the bounds she wants set between us? I don't know. Inner turmoil over it I suppose. I know that loss is terrible, I know the process of death, of grieving all too well. I'm not afraid of tears, or angry words that might be said, but afraid of pushing her away even further if there was even a slightest chance of friendship.

And this reflecting made me realize that I haven't seen many friends in months. Yes, months, close to a half a year for some, maybe even over. It can make a lady start to think about how lonely it can be some days. I am doing my best to try to start connecting with other ladies once more. I don't want to leave friendships behind, but I also need to start to grow new ones. It made me think about how my father may very well have lung cancer and how just like her father going down hill and having a funeral, it is quite possible that the same could happen to me. That I wouldn't know he was dead until after the funeral had past. What a relationship. Anyways, I am blabbering. Self-loathing possibly so I think I need to just stop my fingers from gliding over the keys. Stop reflecting on what was, and focus on what I can do in the present.

Before I go I will ask that you pray my friend that lost her father. I worry about her faith at times, wish that she would turn to Jesus and away from the partying scene more. Also prayers for my sister in law who is in the hospital with an infection in her armpit that caused sepsis and is quite possibly MRSA. And for a young man that is supposed to be married next month that is in the hospital after having a 1.5 inch metal post go from right hip to left shoulder. He is a miracle. The doctor told him that he should have a new name, Lazarus because Jesus truly raised him from the dead.

It Has Happened

Again...someone asks me if I am expecting. Now I have been wondering the past few days with fatigue and nausea that comes in waves at times. But those things could be due to fluctuations in hormones and in my head due to norovirus going around at work.

But to come up and ask me if I was expecting? Come on. I know I am fat.  I know I look exhausted. But seriously? My response? "Nope just miscarriage after miscarriage."

Not even joking.

I have to update on weight I know, I am slacking. But life has taken over and I have been lazy towards my goal.

Anyways, so now I get to go buy a pregnancy test to see if I am crazy and the world is crazy or if I really have some reason to be feeling exhausted and nauseated and be asked if I am expecting.

Already the prayers have started. Let me not be pregnant unless you are ready to give us another take home baby. Jesus, I don't know how many more miscarriages I can seriously go through and still cling to the hope of another rainbow gracing our family. Please listen to the desires of my heart and allow my next pregnancy to flourish in my womb by your hand. Blessed by your mercy and grace. Take this thorn of infertility from my heart. Heal my womb. But do not let me get pregnant to have another loss and another loss until we lose hope in your plan.

My Weekend with Jesus

I went to our church's women's retreat. I won't lie I only went Saturday night. Initially we had planned on going to my work's party Friday night so that was my excuse as to why I wasn't going the whole weekend. In reality, I hadn't spent a night away from Matthew, except for while I was at work.

Then came time for the party and I just couldn't get myself around. I had to run some errands so I dropped Matthew off to my mom's with the intention of having a date night with James just the two of us. Well we had a date night in, just the two of us, uninterrupted and it was FABULOUS.  haha ;-) Then we had McDonald's for dinner because after my errands and our time together it was too late to justify going out to eat, then picking Matthew up, and I still needed to get my bag around for the retreat....regardless it was wonderful.

I have a family blog as well, this blog is more personal space. I type without thinking if people will judge what I am about to say. I share intimate details about my life and our journey of TTC. On our family blog it is more update, what Jesus is sharing with me, and it is probably more eloquently spoken. If I ever speak eloquently that is :-)

My weekend away with Jesus was fabulous, I have one more post to write about it...but here are the four so far.

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

I hope you enjoy it! And feel free to look at other posts while you are there as well.

Jessica

Weight Loss - Week 5--ish?

Well I fell off the bandwagon, majorly....for three weeks. So here I am again, at my week 1 weight. So I will call this week 5 because that is the week I should have been on, but really it is week 7...or week 1 if I started over again. I will skip the majority of my weekly updates because they have been non-existent besides this lovely piece of work:

Weight This Week: 218.0  Last Week: 212 Difference: +6 lbs Total: 0 (Goal is 191 lbs...no longer obese)

Goals for this week:
Drink 1 gallon of water 2 days this week, at least 10 servings the rest of the days. 
Exercise 3 days for 30 minutes
Lose 1 lb
Measure and take "before" photos. I won't post them yet. Because I assure you that they would probably blind you.
Decide if I want to fully tackle the 30 Day shred the way it is supposed to be done...30 days in a row, or make a schedule for DAILY exercise through the end of the month and STICK to it....I am leaning towards scheduling my exercise, instead of Jillian daily. 

Goals for end of March:
Have exercised daily for 21 days in a row.
Measure myself and take an "after" photo (Continue to do this monthly)
Pick out a "goal" pair of jeans from my growing collection of clothing that no longer fits me because I am fatter.
Jog outside at least once (this makes me anxious and hopeful!!)
Find my old heart rate monitor and try it out to see if it still works, if not save up for the VivoFit before this summer.

Floating & Sinking

This is the second month of not knowing where I am in my cycle. It is nice, but also leaves me feel like I am just floating. I'm striving to not pay attention to my cycle. It seems I am all in something or not at all. Instead I have been reading like a mad lady. Since the beginning of the year I have read all 3 Divergent books, and all 4 of the books in the Eragon series. 7 books in 2 months. I haven't read this much since before experiencing infertility.

At times there has been a small battle waging inside of me though, how can I flip through pages enjoying these fake stories when I sit down to read the Bible and it feels so slow at times? It is filled with factual adventures and holds the truth of our existence! So that being said, I am going to slow down on the fictional books for awhile and pray God gives me a spirit that wants to be in His word! :-)

I have realized so much of my life has been bogged down by infertility, I knew it...but I guess I failed to see how all encompassing it truly was. For example, my sister is getting married the end of May and due to feeling sad and like a failure with everything that has gone on in my life the past year...I couldn't get off my ass and figure out what dress I liked because I wanted to be the "old me" if that makes any sense. I was depressed. I am coming out of that fog I believe, but man oh man. I kept wishing I was the weight I was before Matthew, or that my knee wasn't giving me issues, or that finances weren't a sucky, feeding my poor-self esteem day in and day out. Not even joking. The smile has ceased to appear on my face for too long. So what did I do? I bought mascara, eye liner, and eye shadow. And soon after red lip stick. I want to feel better about myself and feel beautiful again. Feel bold and fierce, but also hold onto my caring and compassion.

I don't want to forget about the journey and all that I have learned while on the path of infertility, but I also do not want to to impair my future journeys. I put so much weight into becoming a Mom...now that I am one, I kind of lost myself. Does that make sense? I hope it does I don't sound like a complete and utter idiot. I had been sinking because I hadn't met the expectations that I had hoped to meet for myself. It is a weakness to be all in or not at all. Because when you are all in something and forgo to pay attention else where...other things fail, they weaken, and then your foundation tends to be vulnerable.

I feel like I have been floating through the days, but also allowing myself to sink into self-pity and self-loathing at times. I have found myself thinking about these Bible verses a lot lately.

Psalm 40: 1-31I waited patiently for the lord to help me,and he turned to me and heard my cry.2He lifted me out of the pit of despair,out of the mud and the mire.He set my feet on solid groundand steadied me as I walked along.3He has given me a new song to sing,a hymn of praise to our God.Many will see what he has done and be amazed.They will put their trust in the lord.

Really Psalm 40, so much of it speaks to my heart. It appears I have a choice to continue floating or sinking through life or I can get off my hiney and go where God calls me, and become who he created me to be. I need to learn to love myself, to feel comfortable being me, I need to cherish the body that God gave me by both exercising it and choosing carefully what I consume. And it isn't just for ME. But also for others, so that they may see what God has done and be amazed, that they would turn to Jesus and put their trust in the Lord. There is more I could say, but instead I am going to get off my butt and clean the house until Matthew wakes up.

Thanks for listening!

Update on 50 in 2015

I haven't worked on this as much as I wish. I should have added one to be fully caught up on bills because that has been what we have been mostly focusing on. I am so exhausted and tired of money being an issue. It is awful, like a weight hanging over you. Not even joking. It will be a huge weight off my shoulders once we have my school semester paid off, things caught up, and a plan in place to pay off my medical bills. I have been reading the Bible more, but not as much as I need to. Things will get better. They always do.

1) Get under pre-pregnancy weight (192...currently 214, that means I need to lose 22 lbs)
2) Finish reading the bible (so I can say I have read every book in the Bible)
3) Go to the zoo
4) Go to Boulder Ridge

5) Spend a night with James, away from Matthew (Any volunteers to baby-sit?)

6) Read 10 books for fun. So far I have read 4: Divergent, Insurgent, Alligance, Eragon, and working on Eldest

7) Have a plan for when I will start nursing school back up. I talked with my school, and I will start back up this fall...if nothing gets in the way :-)

8-10) Have all 3 credit cards paid off

11) Pay off all of my medical bills from my Knee

12) Make a business plan for James...for his produce business.

13) Get Matthew into his own room. 

14) Organize our basement

15) Get the shelves hung up in our bathrooms

16) Get prices for re-doing our Kitchen and Living Room 

17) Organize our office

18) Clean up the garage

19) Work on keeping the house clean on a regular basis (I now have an actual chore list for the week, sadly, I am a terrible housekeeper, and my husband is just as messy)

20) Take Matthew to see a movie at the movie theater

21) Take Matthew swimming

22) Take a trip to Frankenmuth/Birch Run

23) Go camping at least one weekend.

24) Go to Catch Air with Matthew 

25) Have a thousand dollars in an emergency fund.

26) Have a month's worth of money in an emergency fund

27) Get pregnant with a healthy sticky baby OR have an appointment set up with Kwak-Kim
28) Go on 12 date nights with James  I have went on 2! So far so good, the next is planned for March 6th my work party. And then early the next morning I leave for a night for my church's women's retreat.

29) Take a weekend trip to either Chicago or Washington DC

30) Purchase set of essential oils

31) Make a prayer picture book for Matthew.

32) Attend a small group on a regular basis.

33) Blog at least 4x a month (that = 48 posts in 2015)

34) Go out for a girl's night out.

35) Go to one of those canvas panting places.

36) Give up McDonald's for at least a month (though I would be okay with water, ice cream, and coffee from here ;-) haha)

37) Host 6 game nights with friends and/or family.

38) Have family photos taken this summer or fall.

39) Look more closely at foster care classes and their guidelines

40) Fence in our backyard

41) Have 5 bonfires

42) Have a swing set or other play thing in the backyard for Matthew.

43) Run or walk a 5K

44) Order wedding photos (Finally!...we have been married for 5 years already...)

45) Go to a shooting range with James

46) Have the money for James to purchase the rifle he wants.

47) Tithe on a regular basis (feel like this should be closer to the top!)

48) Swimming lessons for Matthew

49) Build a cube organizer for Matthew's room

50) Organize all the closets (there are 4 in our house)

Speechless

Sometimes I am left speechless....I will admit sometimes it isn't often. Too many words and thoughts flow out my mouth or linger in my mind. This week has been a failure on the weight loss front, I'm not even going to do a post specifically for it because I am back up to 215.6....that's what my body does when I am not active now a days. Not joking. I am considering asking for my thyroid to be checked, because it seems a bit ridiculous.

Regardless, it isn't just the weight issues recently...work passed me by on a promotion for first shift part time float, I don't know if it was because they simply didn't think about me being off that week or if it is because I have had to call in so much recently in regards to both my back/neck/hips being out of whack, Matthew consuming who knows how much tylenol like it was candy, and my miscarriages. It was like a slap in the face. And I felt like the more I complained the worse of a person I was becoming. I have been telling myself to choose joy, but it has been hard for me lately.

This week I decided to take the plunge and start reading Divergent. I am now on Alligance. I won't like when I fall into books and find life within the pages of the books, an escape of the life going on around me...thinking about the complexities and what I would do if I were the characters in the books. And due to infertility, I think, at times wonder seriously what would happen if she ended up pregnant now? I love books like this....Divergent, Hunger Games, 1984, Fahrenheit 541....ones where the government goes corrupt. I wonder often why it is that I love these books? Is it because I see it happening around us at times? Or the fear that these things could come true, an all too real reality at some point in the future? I don't know...I do know that it perplexes me.

One other note, I had a pretty private resident decide that me, as a float nurse that barely works his hall, tell me that he has a sore on his "crotch." No joke I had to ask to look at it, and he tells me he thinks it is some, "80s disease" or "eboli, it rots you from the inside out." Why do they choose me? Why do my residents who haven't said anything to any full timers, come to me and tell me something brand new?

Speechless and exhausted. And wishing that I could sit (or purchase a treadmill desk set) and write all day long for my income instead of busting my butt at work some days.

Achy

My lands has this been a tough week! Last week my left knee started bugging me. I jogged on the treadmill Friday and Saturday had the worst back, neck, and hip pain! Saturday night it got worse and I had to take my left over pain meds from my knee surgery.

I finally was able to get to chiropractor on Monday, I felt SOOO good this morning! Now? My hips are hurting, which they weren't this morning, and my neck and back are starting to worsen in pain. Ugh!

I work tomorrow and said I would work a double Thursday. So pray it is better in the morning.  I will definitely be going to the chiropractor on Friday again. This is the worst pain I have had.

And to top all of this off I think my period is supposed to start Sunday.  I really have been trying to do better at not tracking have peeked once but that was it. That being said I may have still googled to see if achy joints could mean early pregnancy ;-)

Weight Loss Wednesday - Week 4

I started this post on Wednesday after work, which is when I did my weigh in (so I may have actually lost 2 lbs...who knows)....but I was exhausted. This have been a long week for me. I got passed by for a position I wanted (First shift part time float, instead of pool - It would have meant benefits, guaranteed every other weekend, possibly a set schedule, AND if they needed me to work on my weekend off it would be double time...something they take for granted from me because I am pool).


Weight This Week: 212 lb  Last Week: 213.6 Difference: -1.6 lbs Starting Weight: 218 Total Lost: - 6 lbs (Goal is 191 lbs...no longer obese)
My scale has proven to be not reliable on rest of stats so therefore I give up...until I get a new scale. I refuse to believe I have GAINED body fat % and lost muscle while working out. Just saying! Ideally I would love to go and have the local gym do a measurement every other month, or every 3 months to see the difference. 
BMI this week: 33.2 Last week: 33.5 BMI I started with: 34.2 Difference: - 1.0 (My goal for now is just no longer obese so 29.99)

Goals from last week:
Lose 2 lbs So close but so far away! - 1.6 is okay with me for this week, we ate horrible AGAIN over the weekend
Exercise 4 days this week, for at least a half hour total Met 4/7
Count calories daily, staying around 1200-1300 for the day. Met 5/7 days
Meet my 10,000 step goal at least 3 days this week. Fail 0/3
Drink 12-14 servings of water daily. Met 4/7
One day this week drink 1 gallon of water Met 4/7 days! :-)

Goals for this week:
Lose 2 lbs
Exercise 5 days this week for 30 minutes (My real goal is for daily, and my "rest" days to be Yoga...but yesterday Day 1 of the week, I missed exercise)
Count calories and stay under 1300 for the day
Meet 10,000 step goal for at least 3 days this week.
Drink 12-14 servings of water daily.
Three days this week drink 1 gallon of water
Have no pop this week!

Long Weekend

Friday I had to call in because I didn't feel comfortable leaving Matthew after he had consumed somewhere in the ballpark of 10-14 Tylenol when I was taking a literal 5 minute quick shower before work. He is too smart for his own good. A whole bottle of 80 mg 30 count Tylenol is non-toxic in case you were wondering but can cause excessive sleepiness and tummy aches. He had both I think.

Saturday James and I had a date night AND got to hang out with 2 of my 3 sisters. It was awesome. We went to see American Sniper and it broke my heart. Good movie. Eye opening. But extremely heart wrenching. During it I started thinking about being a mom who's child chooses to serve in the military and go to war...more tears fell as I prayed for Matthew that if he chose that path that God would protect him, give him discernment to judge others and situations clearly, eagle eyes to be able to see what is going on around him, and for him to return home safely. Tears fell as I told James that this is what I started to think about and tears fell down his cheeks as well.

My SIL asked me to call her Sunday. She was still spotting brown. And cramps are so bad that ibuprofen 800mg wasn't covering her pain. She ended up going to ER and has a sinus infection and UTI on top of pending miscarriage. My heart goes out to her. I told her I would probably get FMLA back dated to cover weekend call ins and then have this week off and ask for a D&C...especially with her endo.

It brings back so many emotions from 4 years ago. Our second loss.  Little Sam. Weeks before SILs wedding. Her telling me to get angry, get over it and move on echo through my head at times. And other times I think about the pain of that cytotec induction for a miscarriage....a baby I had loved and wanted to keep. I literally thought I was going to pass out when I bared down on the toilet trying to get things to pass more quickly. I won't lie I was dizzy and think I saw black nothingness while I was in the restroom. I rested my head on the wall and prayed for it to all be over. I looked pale as a ghost and James almost made me go to the emergency room. It was hell.

I would have choose a D&C if I could go back.... and I told her that as well. Rough road ahead for her and her boyfriend and their kids.

It makes me reflect on when we will tell Matthew when we get pregnant with another sticky baby (I won't lie I almost just wrote if and decided not to). It would be fun to be pregnant with an almost 3 year old, or 3 year old....old enough to understand that there is a baby growing in mommy's tummy. And the pain that it would cause if we told him too soon.

After my Dr told me to relax and I fumed....I have deleted both cycle monitoring apps from my phone. I am not even going to chart how long my cycles are until I am down to a reasonable weigh to ttc. I would love to be able to not be pregnancy symptom watching before my period. Heck to have a period and not a miscarriage. My prayer has been for God to close my womb until it is time for us to have another take home baby. To prevent another loss.

I know God is big and CAN do it. I just don't know if he WILL. It depends what his will and plans are for our life. I am just tired and need a break. James is tired and needs a break.

Confession

My sister in law told my husband over the phone on Sunday she was 7 and a half weeks pregnant. I had already had a tough day. Wasn't able to shake the grumbling and kept telling myself to choose joy without it working. When the news came...James got on the defensive side when he saw my face fall.

It caused an arguement. It hurt my feelings. Felt as if he wasn't sad over our losses or that my sadness wasn't justified. That he had already moved on from our loss less than a month ago. Or that his sister was a half a week ahead of where I should have been.

It was tough. Crying came. Words of frustration from James and words of not feeling valued from me. Our souls were mourning our loss as James finally said, "Jess she is my sister I have to be happy for her. I think about our losses every day and sometimes think the pain of getting fixed and knowing that we can have any more kids together has to be better than loss after loss."

Oh Boy. Tears fell. Hard. He wanted me to call and congratulate her right away. I couldn't do it. He thought it meant I could never be happy for her and a new baby. Then tears fell harder.

I got the courage the next day to text and let her know that I was happy for her but ANY pregnancy announcement is hard for me. And that I was sorry if she felt like I wasn't as joyful at times as she wished I could be for her. It's just hard. Infertility and loss suck.

Then last night sister in law called. She is most likely going to miscarry as she is 8 weeks and baby measured somewhere between 5 and 6 without a heartbeat.

My heart sunk for her. Limbo is a hard place to be. So if you think about it, say a prayer for her. I think she will need it more than she knows. They had already told all the kids. Going to be a tough road.

And I felt guilty for not being able to celebrate right away. And I wish she was doing things within God's design. That she would be married before trying for a baby, but also knowing all babies are a gift....Oiy. I am praying for her and for God to show her his will and his hope for her life. ♡ In the midst of her grief and sorrow if this is indeed a loss and not a combination of late ovulation and crappy hospital equipment in our little local hospital.

Follow Up

So I had my follow up related to losses. Essentially she said I could repeat some of the tests I have already done but it wouldn't change our treatment.  And that I needed to just relax, because then I will probably get pregnant.

Not joking.

She wasn't open to idea of prednisone. Or starting lovenox earlier. It was a waste of an appointment.

I might seek another opinion from a fertility Dr in GR. Ask to have my lining looked at or if he will try o prednisone.

or buy it off the Internet and self medicate.

I am not doing any of the above until I have lost the weight I need to lose.

And we now have a guideline. November 2017 if no baby for us, then James gets fixed. We will be done trying. we will vacation and pursue adoption. ♡

Weight Loss Wednesday - Week 3

Weight This Week: 213.6 lb  Last Week: 214.6 Difference: -1 lbs Total: - 3.4 lbs (Goal is 191 lbs...no longer obese)
Body Fat This Week: 44.0%  Body Fat Last week: (same as week before) 45.6%  Difference: -1.6% (Should be 16-23% for "Good" health, my goal for now is "Acceptable" 24-30%)
Hydration This Week: 40.8% Hydration Last Week: (same as week before) 39.7% (Should be 50%)
Muscle This Week: 57.8 lbs Muscle Last Week: 56 lbs (week before it was 58 lbs) Difference: -0.2 lbs still
BMI this week: 33.5 Last week: 33.6 BMI I started with: 34.2 Difference: - 0.7 (My goal for now is just no longer obese so 29.99)

Goals from last week:
Going to be more intense. Lose 1.5 lbs Failed, lost 1 lb.
Exercise 4 days this week. 3/4 accomplished
Count calories and stay under 1420, also I am eating exercise calories. I need to stay under the 1420 for my goal of 1.5 lbs weight loss a week. I didn't count calories this past weekend, so I met 5/7
Meet my 10,000 steps goal at least 3 days this week.  Accomplished
Drink 12-14 servings of water daily.  Met 2/7...an additional 3 days I drank either 10 or 11 though
One day this week drink 1 gallon of water. Yesterday!

Goals for this week:
Lose 2 lbs
Exercise 4 days this week, for at least a half hour total
Count calories daily, staying around 1200-1300 for the day.
Meet my 10,000 step goal at least 3 days this week.
Drink 12-14 servings of water daily.
One day this week drink 1 gallon of water

I am going to start leaning on God more during this journey of weight loss. I have done it before, I know I can do it again...but it would be much easier if I involved God in this area of my life as well. Because he cares for me, even the small things that may seem insignificant such as weight loss. And fitness.

Proverbs 16:3
Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established.

I have been thinking more about the WHY do I want to lose weight? I want to lose weight to better my chances of a long life. To be a good example to my son. To decrease my blood pressure medication. To make sure that I am removing the stone from in front of the proverbial tomb that is my womb, I wrote about that here on my family blog, it's a good one you should read it. :-) I want to treat my body as the temple that God created it to be. I want to make sure that there is nothing truly standing in the way of James and I having one more child before we make the dreaded choice to have him fixed so we no longer have to face loss after loss, and the impact that it places on our marriage.  

I want to lose weight and honor God in the process. 

Proverbs 31:7
She is energetic and strong, a hard worker. 
Proverbs 31:17
She girds herself with strength and makes her arms strong.

That is part of the woman I want to be. Energetic. Strong. A hard worker. All of those things are hindered by my weight. I hear people scoff when I call myself fat, I don't say it to be mean. I say it being honest. I am obese. This weight is weighing me down (haha, sorry for the pun). I would like to have strong arms, not only so they won't flap after my arm has started moving...but also so I will be strong. 

On other news I go to my OBGYN tomorrow. I am hoping she will be okay with thought of prednisone from ovulation to 14dpo, and adding lovenox around that time as well, and until I lose weight and my progesterone levels increase...prometrium to ensure that those low levels are not what is causing my losses.  I have a feeling she is going to encourage genetic testing, or send try sending me to a rheumatologist. The downfall of all of this is our insurance wants me to make sure that I use a specific lab site. It is an hour away from our house, one way. I have to still call to see what exactly it does cover if I continue to use my hospital's lab. That is conveniently 20 minutes from my home instead of an hour. 

I am also trying to wean Matthew. He is very resistant. I am okay with 30 minutes a day, which is what it has been most of this week. But today with him not feeling as hot he keeps asking for Boo, so I get up and offer him a water cup or ask him if he wants a snack. I am discovering that when he is asking to nurse when it is not wake up, nap, or bedtime....he is either thirsty or hungry. James and I have also been wondering if he is having growing pains like his brother did around this age until he was about 8. He would cry and cry and cry due to pain until finally a doctor said truly was considered growing pains. 

Regardless, this blog post is now feeling like a book so I should end it now. I will try to update after my appointment tomorrow evening. 

Weight Loss Wednesday - Week 2

I haven't done as well this week as I had hoped. But, I have learned a few things about myself: 1) when exhausted resolve goes out the window. As in eat anything in site, and if that includes chocolate...then say good bye to it.  2) It is harder to keep calories low than I remembered. 3) I am 100% a person that seeks comfort in food. Thinking about reading Made to Crave: Satisfying Your Deepest Desire with God, Not Food by Lysa TerKeurst. 4) I have SO much more energy the days I exercise, even if I am sore from my workout. And 5) No Matter how much water in a day I drink I cannot get that hydration percentage to go above 40%! Anyways, the Results

Weight This Week: 214.6  Last Week: 218 Difference: - 3.4 lbs (Goal is 191 lbs...no longer obese)
Body Fat: (same as last week) 45.6% (Should be 16-23% for "Good" health, my goal for now is "Acceptable" 24-30%)
Hydration: (same as last week) 39.7% (Should be 50%)
Muscle: 56 lbs, last week it was 58 lbs....This portion of this new scale is so finicky that I am not really paying super attention to it. I miss my old scale in this regard and am planning on stopping by my moms tonight to see if new batteries really makes it work again...and if so I might be an indian giver and swap her for my new one. 
BMI this week: 33.6 Last week: 34.2 Difference: - 0.6 (My goal for now is just no longer obese so 29.99)

Goals from last week:
Lose at least 1 lb.  Met!
Exercise 4 days this week. I officially did 3/4 I thought yesterday was going to be tough at physical therapy, I was wrong and then didn't get out of work until 1245 so I missed the mark on this one. 
Count calories, staying under 1500 max, Goal is 1300. Ha! Definitely missed the mark on this one, but met it on 4/7 days. 
Drink half of my weight in water (that is 110 oz or almost 14 servings of water) DAILY. Met 4/7 days

Goals for this week:
Going to be more intense. Lose 1.5 lbs
Exercise 4 days this week.
Count calories and stay under 1420, also I am eating exercise calories. I need to stay under the 1420 for my goal of 1.5 lbs weight loss a week. 
Meet my 10,000 steps goal at least 3 days this week. 
Drink 12-14 servings of water daily.
One day this week drink 1 gallon of water. 

A few more things before I go....

Matthew has tried working out with me. One day after working out with me, we were watching a movie with James when he got home from work, when suddenly Matthew got on the floor and started to try to do push ups!! Oh my word were we confused at first, because he was even trying to grunt or vocalize while doing it like the people do on the DVD (heck, maybe I do it unaware LOL). Once I realized what he was trying to do, I stopped worrying that maybe one time he saw us during adult time and that we had scarred him for life! ;-) haha oh boy, it was much cuter after my realization of what he was actually doing!

Matthew got 2 cavities fixed and has at least one more appointment to fix cavities/clean teeth coming up. He handled it fairly well but kept trying to spit out the wedge that holds the mouth open. He slept basically all night after the dentist due to the medications they give him to help him be relaxed and such. ALSO, we are getting his eyes checked later today because he looked at my mom and said, "Glasses please." when looking at her phone, she also told me when he is reading a book or using her phone he frequently asks for her glasses. She is the only one that has glasses that help with close up. So I just want to make sure he doesn't have something going on with his eyes. We shall see how the appointment goes!

I learned that with a doctor's note, to treat a medical condition (which I believe obesity is a medical condition), we can use flex spending to cover both gym membership dues and/or gym equipment for home. Right after learning it my PT asked if we had access to an elliptical. I told her no, but would ask either family doctor or surgeon for note. Because I definitely would enjoy an elliptical to work out while watching some TV ;-) It is harder for me to get to the gym so I think an elliptical would be a better choice. I might even try to get a note for a Bosu ball if I clarify with the people that handle our flex spending what medical conditions it has to be. My knee weakness r/t quad wasting from surgery would make us able to get elliptical I would believe. I am also not certain where we could go to buy it...have to look into this more!
I got my dress for my sister's wedding. I am not 100% certain that I like it. It was 30 bucks, and to be honest we shall see after I have lost weight. I might end up chancing it if I still don't like it in March and going dress shopping again and picking something different out. I will grab my camera and upload better photos once I have time to have someone else take pics of me in it...and maybe have lost some more weight. So look for it in February ;-) These are photos of me taking a pic of my camera. 

Weight Loss Wednesday

So I am ready to stop being so fat. Both to make sure that fat isn't a part of my infertility and for my overall health. I have had to increase my blood pressure medication due to my fatness.

Today is day 1 of renewed determination. I have a handy dandy scale that gives me stats about % body fat, hydration, etc....
So here are my current stats:

Weight: 218 (Goal is 191 lbs...no longer obese)
Body Fat: 45.6% (Should be 16-23% for "Good" health, my goal for now is "Acceptable" 24-30%)
Hydration: 39.7% (Should be 50%)
Muscle: 58 lbs
BMI: 34.2 (My goal is just no longer obese so 29.99)

I should measure myself as well. Maybe next week?

Goals for this week:
Lose at least 1 lb.
Exercise 4 days this week.
Count calories, staying under 1500 max, Goal is 1300.
Drink half of my weight in water (that is 110 oz or almost 14 servings of water) DAILY.

I am quite disheartened with myself for allowing myself to see the scale almost top over to the 220s. That's what this roller-coaster of infertility does to a person that is an emotional eater I suppose. That and I am dehydrated AND I had already eaten breakfast this morning. On another note, the dress I am planning on wearing
for my sister's wedding comes in February 2nd, probably won't see it until the 7th. Definitely won't fit me as I ordered the size I wore in my best friend's wedding. I have to be down to the 192 before the end of May :-) It is definitely do-able. Crazy maybe for ordering a smaller size than I am now, but do-able. The pic is below. It was 30 on an online only deal, so I haven't even tried it on. Crazy? Yup.

My Heart Aches.

The tears won't stop falling today. This sucks. No Matter how I try to spin it. I am waiting to miscarry again. Left feeling broken again. And today, I found myself sitting at a table with women that were all mom's to multiple babies, or a first time new mom with no clue of infertility or loss. I felt alone. They were joking at one point about sex, as it was a topic of this month.

I bravely spoke up, sex becomes a chore when for 2 years you try for a baby, desperately yearning to have one of your own, only to time and time again be faced with heartbreak. You love each other want to enjoy each other's embrace and be passionate with each other but it becomes a tedious chore, tainted with likely heartbreak if you succeed at becoming pregnant.

Some months going to MOPS is more heartbreaking than it is therapeutic. I don't know if I will continue going after this year. It is hard, I feel like I don't "fit in" in most groups. One foot in the world of a mom, and another foot in the world of infertility and loss and yearning to join the "mommy club." This morning I was there but I wasn't there. I wasn't present. Tears fell down my cheeks as I refused to once more announce that poor little Jessica is facing another damn miscarriage. I cannot even express what my heart, soul, and mind are at wars saying. Maybe we should just give up my dream of another pregnancy. Maybe we aren't worthy of carrying another baby. Maybe Matthew was the only miracle that God is going to give us in this life.

So far the past 3 months year has been filled with things breaking, things going wrong with health, finances being shitty due to health issues or schooling, did I mention the pellet stove breaking? Not once, not twice, not three times, but FOUR times in the past year. Or how about the garbage disposal? No, well maybe the dishwasher? Or did I mention that yesterday the pipe burst under our house that is the hot water for the sink and dishwasher? While I was gone after we finally had heat, other than the 2 electric heaters and little stand alone propane heater. Nothing seems to be going right lately. I'm not going to lie, I sometimes imagine God saying, "Have you considered Jessica?" instead of Job. And sometimes I start to believe the lies that Satan is trying to whisper (or at times yell) into my ear and heart.

On top of all of this, I just called my OB office to set up an appointment with my doctor and couldn't get in until February which isn't too bad, but I asked if we could do my yearly then as well since I'm there. No. She has a wait list until April. Are you f-ing kidding me? She is a wonderful doctor but isn't that a little ridiculous? I foresee finding a new OB in my future. And maybe a hematologist for my stupid issues. Because I worry about it for my overall health not just for fertility purposes.