Prayer Time

Our routine for bed always consists of lots of hugs and kisses, recently we have added reading a children's Bible, some nights nursing, and always...prayers. Often 2 or 3 times before Matthew is content.

We have started asking him what or who he wants to pray for. It varies from person to person. Sometimes Boppa, Stacey, Grandma, a lot of times Daddy gets extra prayers, or Jack and Jill. Recently? A Baby.

Matthew has been praying for a baby.

He has a super sense and eagle eyes for when a baby is near. I am not even kidding we will be heading into the gym and he will notice a car seat, stroller, or a baby in someone's arms. And yell out, "I want the baby, I want to go touch him." (Like go say hi and pat his head lol or give hugs/kisses).

I have been having some sadness and baby envy growing each passing day since our last miscarriage. My heart aches. I want for him to be a big brother. I want to be pregnant again. I want him to see his prayers come true.

James said in the prayer to please make Matthew be a big brother and prepare my womb for a baby. And while I was smiling at the cuteness of it all...I was crying inside.

Every time someone says to me over Matthews love for babies...."You had better work on another one, Mom"....my heart gets super sad. It happens at least once a week. AT LEAST. And I am not exaggerating.

I have recently started to pray that God would thwart the plans of the devil and heal my womb. I am so tired of struggling in most areas of life. I feel depressed some days. But with Matthew asking for a sibling and people rubbing salt on the wound the days I feel depressed grow deeper and wider in my life.

I know a baby doesn't fix things. I am just wishing that for once, things would run smoothly. That for once we wouldn't struggle and that joy would be the biggest song in my heart once more. That this fog of the "blahs" would break free from over our home and fatigue and sadness would flee from our presence.