Thankful and Blessed

Tonight on our way home this feeling of thankfulness washed over me. I could feel the blessing of everything going on in our lives at this moment in time.

Waiting Here For You was playing on the radio and I just felt so close to God. Thanking him for Matthew and the reminder in everything that it is HIM I need, and need to turn to in this crazy life. Being thankful for this lose even to remind me of the big picture. That he is God and he has my back. Even when I may get mad, or frustrated, or lazy in my following him.

Money problems will fade away, but my love for him shouldn't fail. I cannot say never because there are some times when I am terrible at following and loving him.

It was wonderful the songs playing on the radio and me sitting in the back feeding Matthew with a bottle as we headed home. Worshiping him with all my heart, and all that I've got...and I just have to say thank you Jesus for carrying me through these tough times. You are my rock, when I feel like I am slipping, and you are there to catch me when I fall.

Thank you for knowing what is best for me. I love you lord. I am so incredibly blessed and thankful.

Horrid Dreams

First of all I need to start out with reminding you of the resident at work that had said I had 4 miscarriages, and told me of my "beautiful family". Well this same resident on Sunday said to me with a sad knowing look on her face, "so you almost done with the baby?" I just said, "I don't know", and left it at that.

But in my heart it let me know, this one probably wasn't going to work out for us.

Then I have been having horrid dreams and regret. Like what if there really was a possibility of a normal pregnancy and I took the mtx shot too soon? Oiy! Dreams of possible heartbeat of a baby located in my uterus after taking this drug, and the deformities it can cause...not so good on a mommy's heart (or tummy).

I still haven't started bleeding, and the results of the last hcg rising are enough to fuel this horrid dream, of unintentionally being the one to abort a healthy fetus. Horrid horrid horrid.

I am just ready for the bleeding to stop and to be taken out of this limbo I am stuck in. And to be past this stupid cycle, and 2 more so we can start TTC. I will be doubling up on my folic acid intake after hcg reaches 0 to help build it back up in my body, because that is the biggest issue with trying post mtx shot I am learning.

Bllllaaaaaahhhh. Feel like whining like a baby. On a side note, tonight went much better with 1st feeding had milk ready in bottle (3 oz) and added 3 oz of premixed formula to it (we had a bottle of neo sure we never used).  He drank 4 of the 6 oz no problem. We might be doing the neo sure at night because then I don't have to warm up as much to make cream mix properly.

Night 1 of No Nursing

one word: hell.

Pumping and dumping sucks.
As does washing and getting up in the middle of the night to make a bottle with a baby screaming.

And trying to figure out when you want to spend the 10 minutes pumping.

Starting to get cramps on both sides, so I am assuming bleeding will start somewhat soon. I am just ready to be done with this and hoping to not have to have the second shot at a week out to have a another repeat of this, because I KNOW I won't have enough milk stashed by then. I'm not even sure we have enough for the full 3 days, let alone the 4 that they said would be ideal.

There was a lot of him sucking on my finger because I was too dang tired/lazy to go find a paci that he hasn't used in forever. But it put him to sleep so it is what it is.

Here is what they told me....
1) no taking vitamins containing folic acid. (This is because the med is a folic acid blocker)
2) it may make me tired or slightly nauseated (tired, yes...nauseated no)
3) the shot would hurt....it didn't.
4) no nursing, per the lactation consultant for 3-4 days, 4 being ideal. (She even said to Matthew sorry dear you might have to have formula for a few days)
5) close toilet seat when flushing for the first 24 hours at least, because the drug is excreated through your urine. This is to prevent exposure of it to others.
6) do not get pregnant for 3 cycles, ideally. But the sheet says 1-2. So we are going to prevent for at least one, probably 2 because of my MTHFR causing reduced folic acid already, and I would prefer to not give my baby spinach bifida over my impatience.
7) NO sex until hcg reaches 0. And after that use 2 barrier method, bc and condom, or condom and spermicide for those months.
8) have hcg checked at day 4 and day 7.

I think that is about it. Part of me wants to dump glow stick in my milk as a joke and put the picture up stating "this is what breast milk looks like on chemo" hahaha, you have to find some sort of humor in these things otherwise I would be even more miserable than I am now.

Oiy! Anyways, going to work. Where the bleeding will most likely start knowing my luck, so I am wearing dark shorts, and prepared with overnight sized pads. Fan-freaking-tastic I know.

Not the news I wanted to hear.

Well, they couldn't rule out ectopic pregnancy because nothing was visible in my uterus. At all. So the doctor gave me 3 options.

1) wait it out and track my hcg, but warned this was riskiest choice because he didn't want me to chance losing my tube.

2) have a d&c, and if they didnt find anything have the mtx shot. Just the d&c alone would put me under general anesthetic and cause me to pump 12-24 hours. Add to it the shot if they couldn't find anything? On top of the issues I know you can get from having d & c? Mmmm...not my choice.

3) have the shot and get hcg checked 4 days out, and then again at 7 days out. If the hcg doesn't drop 15% get another shot. With no breastfeeding 48-72 hours after the mtx shot.

I chose #3. And am now getting one this afternoon. At the infusion center. Because it is a cancer drug. Yippy Skippy.

For those of you that had this shot before what did you Dr tell you for TTC? To wait 1-3 cycles? I am sure I will get information from the lovely nurse but just curious.

Fat is my Infertility

Well my friends my hcg dropped to 481. Meaning this is truly a miscarriage (no real surprise here, 1/6 pregnancies ending with a baby truly isn't the greatest of odds).

So today at 10am I get to say hello to the dildo cam and then hopefully leave with expectant management as our plan. That is my hopes for the end of this pregnancy.

I was looking back on statistics I had posted on UU and saw that ectopic pregnancy in normal population is 2% with UU the chance is 2.7% not much more of an increase but with as many pregnancies as I have had I shouldn't be surprised if one ended up being ectopic, as much as I am praying and pleading with God for it to not be so.

Soooo, my plan from here on out? Lose this last 10 lbs of pregnancy weight. I weighed myself this morning 201.4, lowest before pregnancy was right around 192. Being that I think fat is my infertility I will lose this 10lbs before we actively start TTC. Which our goal had been anywhere from when he turned 9 months (end of August) to a year (end of November). So I have 2 months to lose 10 lbs, and hopefully my cycles come back like normal.

August might be the month of OPKs to see when I ovulate for sure, and possibly a progesterone level 7dpo to make sure ovulation is sufficient. We shall see.

All I know is progesterone of 14.97 with pregnancy is l-o-w. Imagine what it was post ovulation? C-r-a-p-p-y. I want my 25-30 progesterone levels back. And as much as breast feeding COULD have something to do with lower levels for now I am going to continue believing fat is my infertility.

He Sees.

Isaiah 40:26 NLT

Look up into the heavens. Who created all the stars? He brings them out like an army, one after another, calling each by its name. Because of his great power and incomparable strength, not a single one is missing.

Just as God knows all the stars and brings them out night after night, he too knows the names and number of my babies that are in heaven. Thank you Lord for your amazing strength and ability to be here along side of me when I feel as if we are walking towards dark times once more.

Tomorrow at 10 a.m. is my ultrasound to tell us where this baby is located. Let me tell you, if it is in my tube, I will be a basket case, if it is in my uterus...I will probably ask for progesterone if things are even remotely developed.

*sigh* long day ahead.

Just because...

Just because I wanted to see that second line again, to remind myself in these times of sorrow that I am indeed pregnant. With another little being, that even if I don't meet here on earth I will do my hardest to meet him (or her) in heaven.

Heart is so down trodden today. Everything hit me. The possibility of ectopic, how that would effect our already massive infertility. How broken I feel my body truly is.

How broken miscarriages make me feel.

And how blessed I am to have Matthew.

Because some women are still going through this without a rainbow after all the rain.

Counting my blessings as I try to wipe away my tears.

Another update from OB

They called this morning and let me know my results (which I already knew), they said they had hoped for it to be at least 600 and because it wasn't to do another repeat beta tomorrow to see where we are. Then when it reaches 2,000 we will do u/s to check for placement of baby. Unless I am experiencing pain or cramping before then.

I have news for them, they are doing an u/s before it reaches 2,000 because I only have one fallopian tube and I am not risking my entire fertility to follow normal u/s protocol. Even if it means telling them I have cramping when I don't. I am simply not okay with waiting and possibly having an ectopic pregnancy and losing my one and only tube.

For now I am trying to pump ahead on the off chance it is ectopic due to not being able to nurse for 48-72 hours post medication.

I did have one day of spotting, when I assumed it was that AF was going to start, a week later still no period so I tested on fathers day and got the bfp. If I was 4 weeks then, I should be about 5 weeks now. Getting close to the danger zone with ectopic pregnancies.

There is a chance it is a blighted ovum. And a minute sprinkle of a chance to go on and have a normal pregnancy, but most things to me point to ectopic. And I am just being a realist here.

Hcg update

It was 500.4

Still ever so slowly rising. My gut fears for ectopic. My heart yearns for a positive outcome.

My head says try to balance the tight rope of hope and reality, knowing full well that I have a God that will catch me if I end up leaning too far one way or the other.

For now, I am pregnant. With a baby. No matter how you spin it...a child is growing within me. We just don't know if we will get to see a beating heart or meet him/her in heaven.

News from my OB

I called and talked to phone nurse they were waiting to hear from my doctor who was working in a different office today. That took an hour wait after my initial call, I was on pins and needles. And oh so impatient.

Final word...repeat hcg tonight, if it doubles start progesterone supplements. Keep an eye out for pain on one side and remain cautiously optimistic because they have seen crazy things happen with hcg and viable pregnancies.

Meaning Dr. H isnt overly optimistic due to slow rise, but she knows crazier things have happened where they thought for sure it was going to be a loss.

So I am in limbo. Where 15% of viable pregnancies do have abnormally rising numbers. I have started to experience nausea, but wonder how much is in my head. Urination is up and no longer experiencing cramping.

I am going to go ahead and start my lovenox, I had decided against it when hcg didnt double. But have been on aspirin.

If numbers jump up, it could mean everything is going to be fine and if that is the case then I get to be on prometrium.

Still no spotting. You would think if I had implantation bleeding it wouldnt have been in my tube, but who knows.

So my heart is left dreaming, making up possible reasons for the slow rise of hcg (like maybe twins tried implanting, and then only one took off or maybe breastfeeding affects the hcg level) and reasons my progesterone could be low (breastfeeding).

If numbers continue to slow rise I expect an u/s to check for ectopic or blighted ovum or something of the sort. If ectopic is found I will be given methro...whatever it it is called and looked up doctor recommendations, I will have to pump and dump for 48-72 hours. Those will be hell nights because we cosleep and he snacks throughout the night.

For now I will cautiously dream about this baby getting here January/february 2014 and making our family of 3 turn into a family of 4.

Definitely making me want to lose weight and actively ttc if this doesnt work out and af returns regularly.

*sigh*

Comparing hpt

The top one is last Sunday.
The bottom one is this Sunday.

Wishing hcg #s made me feel good about the change in darkness of line.

Repeat HCG

As much as I was hoping for good news looks like 1st AF after this time will be miscarriage. It went up to 388.4 in 48 hours and progesterone is 14.57. I am sure they will want to do another hcg to see what it is doing to rule out ectopic because of slow rising #s. Quite bummed after all of this. Gah, oh well. Matthew will be a big brother to a baby in heaven.

As anxious as I was now this sucks. Means if we want to TTC, I can look for ovulation if we really do want to be pregnant right now.

:-(

Lab Results

Beta hcg 323.8, I go in tomorrow night for follow up test and should have results before I go to bed.

Cramping today, so kind of thinking this one might not work out so well for us.

Then there is the item of getting fired today, but far too exhausted to go into that.

I guess fatigue is a good sign. And I am pregnant. I should celebrate, but on pins and needles with everything!

Will write tomorrow evening with good or bad news. Or maybe both, who knows.

Happy Father's Day!

Yesterday we had a wedding, and the night before was h-e-double L. Matthew had a stuffy nose and slept like crap. With a capital C. Wedding day Matthew had a lovely snotty nose and drainage causing a cough. With as bad his allergies are I assumed it was that or teething. Or a combo. Saturday night hits, we start out sleeping on the couch together as a family. Until we wake up around 1 and Matthew is burning up. At first I thought it was because he was hot, so I took off top of sleeper, nope still warm. Took off entire sleeper, still burning up. He was already crying so I tossed him in a Luke warm tub. Then took his temp when we got out 102.8...then moved to the bedroom w/ac with medicine given to Matthew. Slowly his fever broke. And later today we got smiles and giggles.

But not before I took a hpt on a whim and saw a line staring back at me. A bfp. Not what I was expecting. And for a moment I felt guilt for not being super excited, because of finances, I wanted to breastfeed Matthew til he is 18 months, because of all the loses we have endured. Then I surprised James...in my moments of guilty sadness, I blurted out to him..."...So, I tested today."
His reply? "Aaaand?"
"It wasn't negative."
An instant smile crossed his face. "Is it dark like Matthew's was?"

well I don't know how to answer that because I don't know how far along I am. My best guess is I ovulated around May 11th (making Feb 1st due date) because I started charting when we were intimate and when I felt cramping. Last week I spotted brown, so I thought AF was on the way for the first time, and was praying she would stay away for a few more months.

Now I realize it was implantation spotting most likely.

Oiy! Wish me luck and say a prayer. Nursing school. Work. Sick baby. 6 month old. Exclusively breastfeeding. Being a wife. And life in general....

Pray for our baby now growing in my womb. For fatigue to be gentle to me. For school to come easy to me all the way through the semester. And for our finances that are scary at the moment and sooner to get even tighter.

Matthew is 6 months old and 24lbs 2 oz, 27" long. Chunky little man, and soon to be big brother.

Nursing School

when people say nursing school is tough they aren't lying. Add to the mix a little boy that doesn't sleep through the night, and a momma that is so unorganized it is scary...well I am sure you get the picture.

Our house looks as if a tornado ran through it, every counter top/surface is covered with junk. Laundry waiting to be put away is sitting on the couch, on a table in the basement, and a huge basket of baby clothes in the middle of the living room floor. Along with heap of baby clothes that needs to be sorted and put in appropriate sized tote and moved to the basement.

My nursing books lay on the couch untouched, hundreds of dollars spent and all I have done is glance at them sitting there. I need to kick my butt into gear.

Working days is WONDERFUL such a morale booster to get compliments from our Rehab patients on how "this place needs more people like you in it!" Not to toot my own horn or anything :-) I love it.

BUT I need to cut back on hours to succeed at school. *sigh* darn it!

Right now I am in pharmacology and Med-Surge. I am thoroughly looking forward to passing meds, doing my first catheterization, changing a sterile dressing, and possibly watching a surgery. I need to power through these classes to get to next semester: Mother Baby! OB and Peds! I am so looking forward to it!

But for now I have to focus on the class at hand of which I just realized I forgot to complete my pain quiz for class...ugh. again this is what happens when you have a little guy that doesn't sleep well. I got up at 5, he has been sleeping in when I get up...but not today! Hopefully I am a good guesser. Because I have not had a chance to review a lot of the content! Aaaaaahhhh!