Horrid Dreams

First of all I need to start out with reminding you of the resident at work that had said I had 4 miscarriages, and told me of my "beautiful family". Well this same resident on Sunday said to me with a sad knowing look on her face, "so you almost done with the baby?" I just said, "I don't know", and left it at that.

But in my heart it let me know, this one probably wasn't going to work out for us.

Then I have been having horrid dreams and regret. Like what if there really was a possibility of a normal pregnancy and I took the mtx shot too soon? Oiy! Dreams of possible heartbeat of a baby located in my uterus after taking this drug, and the deformities it can cause...not so good on a mommy's heart (or tummy).

I still haven't started bleeding, and the results of the last hcg rising are enough to fuel this horrid dream, of unintentionally being the one to abort a healthy fetus. Horrid horrid horrid.

I am just ready for the bleeding to stop and to be taken out of this limbo I am stuck in. And to be past this stupid cycle, and 2 more so we can start TTC. I will be doubling up on my folic acid intake after hcg reaches 0 to help build it back up in my body, because that is the biggest issue with trying post mtx shot I am learning.

Bllllaaaaaahhhh. Feel like whining like a baby. On a side note, tonight went much better with 1st feeding had milk ready in bottle (3 oz) and added 3 oz of premixed formula to it (we had a bottle of neo sure we never used).  He drank 4 of the 6 oz no problem. We might be doing the neo sure at night because then I don't have to warm up as much to make cream mix properly.