Weight Loss And Life

Weight loss had stalled. This past weekend I weighed myself in at 217.4, Before that I had gotten up to 220 lbs. Not even joking. So really in 2 weeks I have lost like 2.6 lbs, but only 0.6 from the last time I weighed in. I am doing my best to try to focus on not binge eating when feeling stressed or emotional and instead turn to Jesus during those trying times.

Let me tell you about a few of these trying times. Most have to do with work as of lately.

Friday I didn't check to see if all of my CNAs had their hair up. Throughout the entire facility everyone has been super lax about this one. It is written into their code of dress...but so is wearing white socks, and I think even white tennis shoes. Anyways, state came for a visit. One of my aides that didn't know of this rule just had her hair behind her shoulders while feeding residents breakfast. Down came the big boss, the DON, yelling at her and me in front of the state lady, residents, and other staff. It was a joyful time to have my job threatened. Again. Fun stuff.

Then this weekend I had an admit, my very first. And it just so happened that somehow between the other facility and ours six of the resident's narcotics came up missing. Que massive freak out and pit in my stomach. Messing with narcs is not something to be taken lightly when it comes to your license and job. I was mentally preparing for the worst. It was terrible, an hour later both of the big bosses said it was fine to take what had been brought with them and to just chart on it. Also had to let the family know that somehow (ahem---or rather someone) took the medication between here and the other facility. Never again will I take a medication bag outside of family's view to sort through them if there is a possibility of narcotics being in it. Lesson learned.

On a positive note, James has been helping out by doing dishes lately and it has been fabulous. It allows me to focus on other areas of the house. Overall our house is still messy but much less so than it was. He says to me, "I've been wanting to do this for awhile, I thought maybe it would help fill your 'love tank'" I love that man. :-) It worked. It helps he hasn't been working tons of overtime so he isn't as tired as he had been.

I also got the part time float position at work. Which means vacation and sick time. Chance at getting short term disability. Overall good things, it does make me anxious to no longer be able to pick my schedule and be at their mercy. Oh well, it is what it is. Wish me the best?

Yesterday, I was so thankful to go to church. It was a pretty good sermon but to just be present with others that believed and worshiped Jesus was a blessing to my soul. I had missed that so much. I wish I could go every week, that is a huge downfall of the medical field...having to work weekends. While at church I learned that one of my old friends, I may have written about her before M (the one I lost over our breastfeeding argument), well her dad passed away from cancer and his funeral was on Saturday. I felt horrible for her, but it also was a small kick to the gut. Like I truly guess I lost my friendship with her, because no one spoke up to even let me know that he had went downhill that quickly or that he had passed away. I cannot imagine how she feels. I know there is nothing I can say or do, but also feel like trying to send a text or a card might even be out of line, stepping over the bounds she wants set between us? I don't know. Inner turmoil over it I suppose. I know that loss is terrible, I know the process of death, of grieving all too well. I'm not afraid of tears, or angry words that might be said, but afraid of pushing her away even further if there was even a slightest chance of friendship.

And this reflecting made me realize that I haven't seen many friends in months. Yes, months, close to a half a year for some, maybe even over. It can make a lady start to think about how lonely it can be some days. I am doing my best to try to start connecting with other ladies once more. I don't want to leave friendships behind, but I also need to start to grow new ones. It made me think about how my father may very well have lung cancer and how just like her father going down hill and having a funeral, it is quite possible that the same could happen to me. That I wouldn't know he was dead until after the funeral had past. What a relationship. Anyways, I am blabbering. Self-loathing possibly so I think I need to just stop my fingers from gliding over the keys. Stop reflecting on what was, and focus on what I can do in the present.

Before I go I will ask that you pray my friend that lost her father. I worry about her faith at times, wish that she would turn to Jesus and away from the partying scene more. Also prayers for my sister in law who is in the hospital with an infection in her armpit that caused sepsis and is quite possibly MRSA. And for a young man that is supposed to be married next month that is in the hospital after having a 1.5 inch metal post go from right hip to left shoulder. He is a miracle. The doctor told him that he should have a new name, Lazarus because Jesus truly raised him from the dead.

It Has Happened

Again...someone asks me if I am expecting. Now I have been wondering the past few days with fatigue and nausea that comes in waves at times. But those things could be due to fluctuations in hormones and in my head due to norovirus going around at work.

But to come up and ask me if I was expecting? Come on. I know I am fat.  I know I look exhausted. But seriously? My response? "Nope just miscarriage after miscarriage."

Not even joking.

I have to update on weight I know, I am slacking. But life has taken over and I have been lazy towards my goal.

Anyways, so now I get to go buy a pregnancy test to see if I am crazy and the world is crazy or if I really have some reason to be feeling exhausted and nauseated and be asked if I am expecting.

Already the prayers have started. Let me not be pregnant unless you are ready to give us another take home baby. Jesus, I don't know how many more miscarriages I can seriously go through and still cling to the hope of another rainbow gracing our family. Please listen to the desires of my heart and allow my next pregnancy to flourish in my womb by your hand. Blessed by your mercy and grace. Take this thorn of infertility from my heart. Heal my womb. But do not let me get pregnant to have another loss and another loss until we lose hope in your plan.

My Weekend with Jesus

I went to our church's women's retreat. I won't lie I only went Saturday night. Initially we had planned on going to my work's party Friday night so that was my excuse as to why I wasn't going the whole weekend. In reality, I hadn't spent a night away from Matthew, except for while I was at work.

Then came time for the party and I just couldn't get myself around. I had to run some errands so I dropped Matthew off to my mom's with the intention of having a date night with James just the two of us. Well we had a date night in, just the two of us, uninterrupted and it was FABULOUS.  haha ;-) Then we had McDonald's for dinner because after my errands and our time together it was too late to justify going out to eat, then picking Matthew up, and I still needed to get my bag around for the retreat....regardless it was wonderful.

I have a family blog as well, this blog is more personal space. I type without thinking if people will judge what I am about to say. I share intimate details about my life and our journey of TTC. On our family blog it is more update, what Jesus is sharing with me, and it is probably more eloquently spoken. If I ever speak eloquently that is :-)

My weekend away with Jesus was fabulous, I have one more post to write about it...but here are the four so far.

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

I hope you enjoy it! And feel free to look at other posts while you are there as well.

Jessica

Weight Loss - Week 5--ish?

Well I fell off the bandwagon, majorly....for three weeks. So here I am again, at my week 1 weight. So I will call this week 5 because that is the week I should have been on, but really it is week 7...or week 1 if I started over again. I will skip the majority of my weekly updates because they have been non-existent besides this lovely piece of work:

Weight This Week: 218.0  Last Week: 212 Difference: +6 lbs Total: 0 (Goal is 191 lbs...no longer obese)

Goals for this week:
Drink 1 gallon of water 2 days this week, at least 10 servings the rest of the days. 
Exercise 3 days for 30 minutes
Lose 1 lb
Measure and take "before" photos. I won't post them yet. Because I assure you that they would probably blind you.
Decide if I want to fully tackle the 30 Day shred the way it is supposed to be done...30 days in a row, or make a schedule for DAILY exercise through the end of the month and STICK to it....I am leaning towards scheduling my exercise, instead of Jillian daily. 

Goals for end of March:
Have exercised daily for 21 days in a row.
Measure myself and take an "after" photo (Continue to do this monthly)
Pick out a "goal" pair of jeans from my growing collection of clothing that no longer fits me because I am fatter.
Jog outside at least once (this makes me anxious and hopeful!!)
Find my old heart rate monitor and try it out to see if it still works, if not save up for the VivoFit before this summer.

Floating & Sinking

This is the second month of not knowing where I am in my cycle. It is nice, but also leaves me feel like I am just floating. I'm striving to not pay attention to my cycle. It seems I am all in something or not at all. Instead I have been reading like a mad lady. Since the beginning of the year I have read all 3 Divergent books, and all 4 of the books in the Eragon series. 7 books in 2 months. I haven't read this much since before experiencing infertility.

At times there has been a small battle waging inside of me though, how can I flip through pages enjoying these fake stories when I sit down to read the Bible and it feels so slow at times? It is filled with factual adventures and holds the truth of our existence! So that being said, I am going to slow down on the fictional books for awhile and pray God gives me a spirit that wants to be in His word! :-)

I have realized so much of my life has been bogged down by infertility, I knew it...but I guess I failed to see how all encompassing it truly was. For example, my sister is getting married the end of May and due to feeling sad and like a failure with everything that has gone on in my life the past year...I couldn't get off my ass and figure out what dress I liked because I wanted to be the "old me" if that makes any sense. I was depressed. I am coming out of that fog I believe, but man oh man. I kept wishing I was the weight I was before Matthew, or that my knee wasn't giving me issues, or that finances weren't a sucky, feeding my poor-self esteem day in and day out. Not even joking. The smile has ceased to appear on my face for too long. So what did I do? I bought mascara, eye liner, and eye shadow. And soon after red lip stick. I want to feel better about myself and feel beautiful again. Feel bold and fierce, but also hold onto my caring and compassion.

I don't want to forget about the journey and all that I have learned while on the path of infertility, but I also do not want to to impair my future journeys. I put so much weight into becoming a Mom...now that I am one, I kind of lost myself. Does that make sense? I hope it does I don't sound like a complete and utter idiot. I had been sinking because I hadn't met the expectations that I had hoped to meet for myself. It is a weakness to be all in or not at all. Because when you are all in something and forgo to pay attention else where...other things fail, they weaken, and then your foundation tends to be vulnerable.

I feel like I have been floating through the days, but also allowing myself to sink into self-pity and self-loathing at times. I have found myself thinking about these Bible verses a lot lately.

Psalm 40: 1-31I waited patiently for the lord to help me,and he turned to me and heard my cry.2He lifted me out of the pit of despair,out of the mud and the mire.He set my feet on solid groundand steadied me as I walked along.3He has given me a new song to sing,a hymn of praise to our God.Many will see what he has done and be amazed.They will put their trust in the lord.

Really Psalm 40, so much of it speaks to my heart. It appears I have a choice to continue floating or sinking through life or I can get off my hiney and go where God calls me, and become who he created me to be. I need to learn to love myself, to feel comfortable being me, I need to cherish the body that God gave me by both exercising it and choosing carefully what I consume. And it isn't just for ME. But also for others, so that they may see what God has done and be amazed, that they would turn to Jesus and put their trust in the Lord. There is more I could say, but instead I am going to get off my butt and clean the house until Matthew wakes up.

Thanks for listening!