Floating & Sinking

This is the second month of not knowing where I am in my cycle. It is nice, but also leaves me feel like I am just floating. I'm striving to not pay attention to my cycle. It seems I am all in something or not at all. Instead I have been reading like a mad lady. Since the beginning of the year I have read all 3 Divergent books, and all 4 of the books in the Eragon series. 7 books in 2 months. I haven't read this much since before experiencing infertility.

At times there has been a small battle waging inside of me though, how can I flip through pages enjoying these fake stories when I sit down to read the Bible and it feels so slow at times? It is filled with factual adventures and holds the truth of our existence! So that being said, I am going to slow down on the fictional books for awhile and pray God gives me a spirit that wants to be in His word! :-)

I have realized so much of my life has been bogged down by infertility, I knew it...but I guess I failed to see how all encompassing it truly was. For example, my sister is getting married the end of May and due to feeling sad and like a failure with everything that has gone on in my life the past year...I couldn't get off my ass and figure out what dress I liked because I wanted to be the "old me" if that makes any sense. I was depressed. I am coming out of that fog I believe, but man oh man. I kept wishing I was the weight I was before Matthew, or that my knee wasn't giving me issues, or that finances weren't a sucky, feeding my poor-self esteem day in and day out. Not even joking. The smile has ceased to appear on my face for too long. So what did I do? I bought mascara, eye liner, and eye shadow. And soon after red lip stick. I want to feel better about myself and feel beautiful again. Feel bold and fierce, but also hold onto my caring and compassion.

I don't want to forget about the journey and all that I have learned while on the path of infertility, but I also do not want to to impair my future journeys. I put so much weight into becoming a Mom...now that I am one, I kind of lost myself. Does that make sense? I hope it does I don't sound like a complete and utter idiot. I had been sinking because I hadn't met the expectations that I had hoped to meet for myself. It is a weakness to be all in or not at all. Because when you are all in something and forgo to pay attention else where...other things fail, they weaken, and then your foundation tends to be vulnerable.

I feel like I have been floating through the days, but also allowing myself to sink into self-pity and self-loathing at times. I have found myself thinking about these Bible verses a lot lately.

Psalm 40: 1-31I waited patiently for the lord to help me,and he turned to me and heard my cry.2He lifted me out of the pit of despair,out of the mud and the mire.He set my feet on solid groundand steadied me as I walked along.3He has given me a new song to sing,a hymn of praise to our God.Many will see what he has done and be amazed.They will put their trust in the lord.

Really Psalm 40, so much of it speaks to my heart. It appears I have a choice to continue floating or sinking through life or I can get off my hiney and go where God calls me, and become who he created me to be. I need to learn to love myself, to feel comfortable being me, I need to cherish the body that God gave me by both exercising it and choosing carefully what I consume. And it isn't just for ME. But also for others, so that they may see what God has done and be amazed, that they would turn to Jesus and put their trust in the Lord. There is more I could say, but instead I am going to get off my butt and clean the house until Matthew wakes up.

Thanks for listening!