CD 1

Well all of a sudden I had atrocious cramps, and then heavy clotting flow. A day or 2 early pending when I actually ovulated.

So maybe James was right after all. Maybe I tested too late. Who knows. Regardless it is a new cycle and soon a new month.

Time to kick everything back into gear. I need to start exercising regularly.  Back to a strict budget. And making better choices for eating.

Big to do list for today. So I am cutting this short. A little disappointed today but thankful for a new month at another chance to try to grow our family.

BFN

Well I tested today. BFN. On a FRER so I am pretty sure I am not pregnant.

If I were symptom spotting I would mention the increased thirst. Feeling emotional tonight (maybe I just wanted to see a dark line...).

I am 13 or 14 dpo. No cramps. Increased hunger. Breaking out on my face. And not pregnant. Should have followed my gut and not let hope soar.

I need to lose weight anyways, and work harder to get Matthew out of our bed and weaned. I still don't have a scale to weigh myself so I am not sure how it is currently but my jeans aren't fitting any different so I truly think I need to add exercise even if I was eating better. Blah.

Matthew and whispers of hope

Matthew will be turning 2 soon, and I seriously have no clue where the time has gone. Makes my heart ache.

He is still breastfeeding and still sleeping in bed with us. It just worked for us for so long but now I am yearning to have my space back a little bit. We have started trying to get him to sleep on his crib mattress beside the bed. And I have been trying to talk him into giving up the boo at bedtime.

A big part of this reason is that he has 2 teeth that I am 99% sure will end up being pulled relatively soon. Which happened with me and 2/3 of my sisters. I think genetically we give bad baby teeth. But boy does it make me feel like a bad mom. I have read conflicting things on if breast milk can cause cavities or not but I do think a change in bedtime routine is a must, we have brushed teeth but need to get more strict about it.

Anyways, last night was a success in my book. He slept from 9 pm til 1 am by himself. I kept explaining to him that boos were sleepy and were going night night like daddy. I promised to let him snuggle until he fell asleep and did let him have the boo for a short time. Eventually I want to set a timer and decrease by 30 seconds a night until he only has them for a short time or not at all to fall asleep.

I talked with him the other day after he said, again, "Baby mama?" I told him that if he wanted a baby brother or sister he may have to give up the boo so mommy's body could help the baby grow in my belly. He wasn't too pleased with this idea. And when I asked him if he wanted a baby brother or sister he said "No! Boo!"

He obviously isn't ready to give it up 100% yet. But I am really wondering if we will ever sustain a pregnancy if I am still breastfeeding.

And then comes the whispers of hope. After telling my friend I was pretty sure I am not pregnant this cycle, James asks me the next day...."Are you pregnant?"

Oiy! I asked why he was asking and he said I have been more irritable lately (true) and usually I don't get this way unless I am pregnant. Deep sigh. So he has planted seeds of hope. And I ended up caving and buying a test. I am actually working today, so I am planning on peeing on the test soon and then will posy results later today.

Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness

This October 17th I spoke at MOPS. About our struggle with infertility and loss. This might sound silly but I was struggling to hear from God and heard myself wish inside my heart that someone would be a vessel to show me that God is with me like the man that gave James a letter at church last summer (I should post on this as some point).

I peaked at my phone right as the group was supposed to start. 900 am. A text came through from a friend that didn't know I was going to be speaking, many states away. It said, " Good morning, You were on my mind during my quiet time.  Checking in to see if you have anything that needs prayed for or praised about. :)"

I just smiled to myself and said thank you God. It gave me the reassurance that this was a God appointed speaking, it wasn't for me to tell our story but for God to tell the story through me.

It made me reflect and brought me back to the trenches of those two years. The moments of bitterness, heartache, and hope all flooded back to me through my old blog entries and memories that washed up in the tides of emotion that still swell some days under the surface. It made me think of those that prayed with us and for us, clinging to hope and God's goodness. It reminded me of a couple that sent us flowers once. And of the many women that I met along the way that helped me to feel less crazy and less alone.

During those two years I wondered if I was crazy for hoping and believing I would be a Mommy to a baby here on this Earth. I felt like the Israelites wandering and grumbling in the desert. Like Hannah drunkenly praying for a miracle. I hoped and believed that God would give me the desires of my heart even as James started to lose hope, even when family started making statements like, "IF you have kids..." (instead of when, like I believed).

Today, if you are walking through the trenches of infertility...I pray that you know you are not alone in this battle of hope and despair that washes over you month after month. I plead with you to not walk it alone, reach out to women who will understand and hold your precious heart with delicate care. Reach out to someone that will say, "I get it!" and really get it.

I wanted to share this little nugget from an entry that fully made me aware of how on fire I was for God after my walk down Bitterness Lane and Hateful Avenue.

November 2011
Everything will work out for good according to God's will. Be it adoption, natural pregnancy, or ART. I can allow myself to have a divide placed between me and God, or I can focus on the future in fervent prayer. I am going to start praying for my future children. I do not know how they will come to us, but I do know they will be immensely loved, cared for, and blessed.  Through prayer I am hoping my focus on infertility will lessen as I grow deeper in love with Christ. I will focus on the blessings I have, and those I can bestow upon my children when he chooses to give them to us.

This battle will never be over. But God will forever have my heart. HE will work things out, even when I think I am trying to work them out for Him. The scripture "In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus, concerning you." 1 Thessalonians 5:18

I am thankful that God has the future planned out. That everything will work out for good. I can sit here and let worry and doubt cloud my future, or I can pray for clarity in my decisions. I can face the battle with God by my side. Clothed in God's best for me.

I am still thankful that God has the future planned out, and that he works everything for good for those that love Him (Romans 8:28). My good may never look like your good. I will never know a life that doesn't have loss and multiple miscarriages, but you may also never know life in heaven with 10 new faces looking up at you and calling you Mom! I am blessed. My cup is overflowing. Even though in this world it doesn't make sense.

Struggling with Weight

So my pants I wore post baby are now tight I am positive I am back over 200 lbs. This is tough stuff! I am not impressed with myself that is for sure. I miss being able to move without hurting. I thought this knee would feel better by now.

I have came to the conclusion my days off I need to do my biggest looser weight loss yoga (now to find it) and pilates and/or push ups and such to work my arms.

I haven't been counting calories so that would help me vastly. Doesn't help that Matthew is a nursing fiend again and it makes me hungrier than a man watching a football game.

AND our scale broke, Matthew splashed it or peed on it one too many times. (Yes pee is an option as sometimes when I undress him he just moves like he is going to get in tub and then stops looks down and pees and then the damage is already done). So I am going to wait to buy a scale til the first of November I think and just do my best until then.

Prayers are appreciated. I know I should get at the very least 10 lbs off before we get pregnant again. My initial thought was to be in the 160s-170s but I just want a healthy baby so whenever God decides to bless us that would be wonderful.

Dreams

Last night I actually dreamed....write it on a calendar. Basically I only dream once in a GREAT while or when I am pregnant. Being as I am only on CD12 definitely am not pregnant.

In my dream I went to some health expo/5k and they did a whole bunch of exams before and after you got the results. 

I found out about my uterus malformation. And a heart problem.

Now obviously I have been thinking about my fertility lately so the uterus made sense to me the heart....The only thing I could think of was my blood pressure and the verse that says "Hope deferred makes the heart sick"...

Anyways...wait to laugh or raise an eyebrow. You know how berries are full of antioxidants. Well they aren't my favorite even though I know I should eat them...and in my dream they put them "in my heart" somehow in a little capsule Once Upon a time style. And they did not breakdown/digest during my run and evidently it meant I had a pretty horrible heart condition.

Then I woke up freaked out and confused to actually remembering a dream and it having to do with my heart. When I say I never remember my dream I am not joking. Before I was pregnant with Marthew I had maybe 4 that I could remember in my entire life time.

One I cried about spaghetti and my dad was in it. No joke.

Now I have berries in my heart. Maybe I need to eat more berries and watch my blood pressure better. who knows.

Praising The Lord

Today I realized something. I have been afraid to fervently pray like Hannah did for Samuel. Because I don't want bitterness to take hold of my heart during the wait. I don't want hope deferred to make my heart sick.

I want to lean on God but not give up the reigns....and quite frankly that is NOT at ALL how it works.

People tell me to go see an RE. But to be honest I think the biggest reason I haven't made it a priority or a goal is because I want 100% all of the glory to go to God. It might sound silly.

I in all of my broken fertility and misshapen body am fearfully and wonderfully made. God knows what he is doing. He is the creator of ALL life and he knows what needs to happen to create a little one within my womb. He can do it. And I can pray fervently without bitterness clinging in my heart.

So here I am praising God for all the healthy babies being born or developing in wombs around me and thanking him for the presence of another miracle. I am praising the Lord for all he has done in my life and all that he will do.

Matthew and I have again had the discussion about babies and mommas belly. it tugs at my heart and makes me wish I had been more conscious of food choices during my fall healing time. I am obese still. How is that for praising the Lord? Prayers for motivation and continued healing both of my knee and my heart as we prepare our bodies to try for another and run the race that God has set before us. May we remember how truly blessed we all are. ♡

Long Nails. & Babies

It has been confirmed for me I ovulated well last month. This may sound absolutely ridiculous but when I ovulate or am pregnant my body decides to let my nails grow. Normally they are short. This month my nails are flurrishing. Growing like crazy. 

Long nails for this girl and so excited :-)

Hoping this means changes coming in general with my body. Like after losing 10 more pounds maybe a belly growing round with baby. I keep looking back at my photos of Matthew's pregnancy and it brings a flood of memories from joy and disbelief that I got to experience those moments to a deep longing in my soul and a thankfulness that God gave me the motivation to document that journey as well as I did.

I will say I wrote this Friday night. I HAD long finger nails and then I had a terrible day at work and I picked them off when feeling anxious. Oh well...

And then there are babies. Matthew now 100% understands babies come from bellies. He was sitting on my best friend's lap when her son kicked him! She is due the 8th of October so she is definitely round with baby and we talk about baby Logan in Aunt Jenny's belly quite a bit. Anyways he jumped off her lap and said "Baby! Baby!"

It was so precious.

And then the most heartbreakingly adorable thing happened today.....When snuggling on the couch he patted my belly and asked, "Baby Mama?" I said no Matthew Mama doesn't have a baby in her belly. We have to pray and pray big prayers so God will give us another baby. One day he will listen to us.  He looked at me again patting my belly and said "Mama, baby." Nope no baby, just food. A big belly from eating too much cake.

lol oh boy. I hope God answers several prayers in next few weeks. We have to get caught up on bills faster the better. And for God to look favorably on us soon with fertility, especially if finances are looking up and we are eating healthier. God is a big God.

Mini Vent...
I was telling a coworker I needed to lose weight because I wanted to have another baby, she laughed as she is a bigger lady and just had a baby. And all I could think of inside was that not everyone is able to stay obese or overweight and get pregnant. It is a hurdle God set before me in order for me to lean on Him...so don't laugh and say that I'm not fat or I don't need to lose weight. Gah...end mini rant. on another note, I do want to be more physically fit when we get pregnant because I have a demanding job and I do not want to be miserable every day just walking around. I already have to wear a female jock strap no need to add to it.