Long Weekend

Friday I had to call in because I didn't feel comfortable leaving Matthew after he had consumed somewhere in the ballpark of 10-14 Tylenol when I was taking a literal 5 minute quick shower before work. He is too smart for his own good. A whole bottle of 80 mg 30 count Tylenol is non-toxic in case you were wondering but can cause excessive sleepiness and tummy aches. He had both I think.

Saturday James and I had a date night AND got to hang out with 2 of my 3 sisters. It was awesome. We went to see American Sniper and it broke my heart. Good movie. Eye opening. But extremely heart wrenching. During it I started thinking about being a mom who's child chooses to serve in the military and go to war...more tears fell as I prayed for Matthew that if he chose that path that God would protect him, give him discernment to judge others and situations clearly, eagle eyes to be able to see what is going on around him, and for him to return home safely. Tears fell as I told James that this is what I started to think about and tears fell down his cheeks as well.

My SIL asked me to call her Sunday. She was still spotting brown. And cramps are so bad that ibuprofen 800mg wasn't covering her pain. She ended up going to ER and has a sinus infection and UTI on top of pending miscarriage. My heart goes out to her. I told her I would probably get FMLA back dated to cover weekend call ins and then have this week off and ask for a D&C...especially with her endo.

It brings back so many emotions from 4 years ago. Our second loss.  Little Sam. Weeks before SILs wedding. Her telling me to get angry, get over it and move on echo through my head at times. And other times I think about the pain of that cytotec induction for a miscarriage....a baby I had loved and wanted to keep. I literally thought I was going to pass out when I bared down on the toilet trying to get things to pass more quickly. I won't lie I was dizzy and think I saw black nothingness while I was in the restroom. I rested my head on the wall and prayed for it to all be over. I looked pale as a ghost and James almost made me go to the emergency room. It was hell.

I would have choose a D&C if I could go back.... and I told her that as well. Rough road ahead for her and her boyfriend and their kids.

It makes me reflect on when we will tell Matthew when we get pregnant with another sticky baby (I won't lie I almost just wrote if and decided not to). It would be fun to be pregnant with an almost 3 year old, or 3 year old....old enough to understand that there is a baby growing in mommy's tummy. And the pain that it would cause if we told him too soon.

After my Dr told me to relax and I fumed....I have deleted both cycle monitoring apps from my phone. I am not even going to chart how long my cycles are until I am down to a reasonable weigh to ttc. I would love to be able to not be pregnancy symptom watching before my period. Heck to have a period and not a miscarriage. My prayer has been for God to close my womb until it is time for us to have another take home baby. To prevent another loss.

I know God is big and CAN do it. I just don't know if he WILL. It depends what his will and plans are for our life. I am just tired and need a break. James is tired and needs a break.