I miss my little blogging family. My sisters that I could go to with every simple or complex struggle and bare my soul without judgement and often time compassion and virtual hugs.
I miss friendship. I miss not sitting in the drivers seat of the struggle bus.
If I was honest with myself I would tell you I am struggling with negative self talk and I miss my strong optimistic faith in God and things working out for good.
If I wrote on her candidly like I used to I would tell you I am on CD 11 and as of yesterday I still had some brown spotting. My body has gone crazy and my ass has gone fat. Seriously probably a good thing our scale battery died because last time I stepped on it....it mooed at me and popped up reading 224.
And most importantly I miss me. The me I used to be before infertility and loss ravaged me.
The holidays are wicked hard. I have had so many losses and bad news around the holidays. And now my hubby's back is hurting and what was supposed to be me working my butt off to get us sitting better financially has turned into maybe he will need to be on short term disability and leaving me feeling quite hopeless and helpless.
The small voice in me says every little things gonna be alright. But the larger part of me says What the fuck are we going to do? I don't usually swear but hell just didn't seem fitting in that sentence.
It's just the place I am at right now.
Hugs! I hope things get better for you!
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