8 months

It's been 8 months since my last update. A quick recap on my life during these past 8 months would include:

• We faced foreclosure on our house. But were saved by God's grace and an anonymous donor from our church. Eventually our bank was able to help and the money we had been given caught up all other bills and helped us feel like we were thriving instead of surviving for a little while. 
• If I didn't post about it prior...we were also given a car. For free. Have I mentioned God is good? It is my daily driver and I have no complaints. God is good all the time. 
• I grew close to God. I fell away from God. 
• I graduated from nursing school! Woot!
• I got fatter (240 lbs now).
• I accepted a job working in Labor and Delivery. 
• I wanted to strangle my husband and then later wanted to kiss him passionately. Rinse and repeat.
• We planted pumpkins among other produce. We now have 2 large patches of massive weeds in front of our house. No joke. I know the inside is a hot mess but the outside is fitting now as well. I don't know if any pumpkins survived. The weeds are taller than me in some areas.
• Matthew is now 3 1/2 and growing like a weed. He is smart, emotionally in tune with others, a lover, and has my husband's sense of humor. He is goofy and super cute. He loves music and will frequently give people a performance of  Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, or his newest addition a small part of a Christian song that he just sings over and over "Woaah I will never be shaken. Woooah I'll never be shaken." That made my heart sing him singing such things. His little voice singing along to the radio in the car or telling me, "Jesus is our good good friend." melt my heart. My house may be a disaster, and my body getting fatter. But my son knows about Jesus. 

That last bullet point was like a mini story book so I think I should be done with those. 

Where am I at now? Somewhere between feeling like I am in a dry valley spiritually and watching that rock waiting for the water to rise up from faith that God always provides. I'm somewhere between feeling lonely from not having a regular interactive friendship and feeling blessed to know the women I do. Maybe I am just kinda lost. 

These past 2 months working OB has been a blessing. Most days are filled with joy and happiness and baby cuddles. But the bad days are bad, as many of my readers can imagine. From being present for a resuscitation, a postpartum hemorrhage, and being present for a stillborn delivery.

That one rocked my world and I think I still feel the effects from the wakes sometimes. I have a book I have been meaning to send to this momma. Immediately afterwards I had to learn how to move forward without carrying her pain on my shoulders. I asked for prayers to be able to be receptive to the Holy Spirit's prayers but also to be able to compartmentalize tragic situations so my family didn't suffer. 

I cried my 40 minute drive home a couple of days afterwards. Especially after discharge. Imagining being sent home without my baby felt a little too real after the pain and sadness of all of my miscarriages. I knew a glimpse of the life that was waiting for her at home. After signing the discharge paperwork I grew quiet and said to her, "In the dark of the night you are going to play the what if game and wonder if there was anything you could have done or could have not done to prevent the death of your little one. Do NOT go there. There is nothing that you could have done to prevent or cause this to happen. A death of a baby sucks no matter how you spin it. Do NOT blame yourself." She cried. I cried. It was hard to keep it together that day. The tears felt so good to fall on my way home while phoning a friend.

The memories of my first several losses pained my heart. The ache for that momma and the yearning to have a baby grew. I have told my story of losses to a handful of women at work. Many don't know my full story yet and ask me if we hope to have more kids. Depending the situation I just lay it all out for them to see and hear my story and my heart in the moment. I would love to have another healthy pregnancy. The ache of wanting another baby is growing bigger and bigger. 

So here I am 8 months later, fatter than I have ever been. Slowly trying to find motivation to lower my BMI so I can try for a baby once more. 

Sleep is calling me, and if I fight it I will be up much later. Welcome me back to the dark-side of the work force. Where I find quiet time to blog and hopefully reconnect with God a little bit. Where sleep is a little bit more sporadic but my heart is much happier. 

Forgive me for being absent for so long, if I even have any readers left out there! :-)