Remembrance Day

Babies, I remember you every day. And I mean EVERY. But some days are harder. Much harder.

Like today. I feel like I haven't done enough to remember you, to celebrate the life that was. That people have and will forget you existed.

And they might.

But I won't. Much like an elephant never forgets, same with the grieving mother...she never forgets either.

I fear some days I am not doing my part to get to meet you in heaven. Not doing my part to remember you. And that makes my heart so very sad.

To our first little one, our Abigail. Father's joy. You were such a blessing. Three months in to trying and it felt like forever. Heartbreak every month that I thought was terrible. And then there was that second pink line. That hope shining through the darkness of news of PCOS and fear of infertility. I clung to hope. And in that hope I got the worst phone call of my life thus far. Telling me I was going to miscarry. You were gone.

That emotion I felt in those few short weeks from seeing that positive close to my birthday to seeing my body miscarry you on thanksgiving...roller coaster to say the least. Daddy still wants us to name a little girl Abigail if we have another, so we may be like Ms. Kay from duck dynasty and have another Abigail one day. But we will see.

The second pregnancy came as a shock. A blaring second line, on Christmas. Again hope. Heartbreak. And fervent prayer. Sammy, you will always be remembered. I have your picture. And I carry that image in my heart.

After Sam I got SO bitter and angry. The next 3 losses are our unnamed children. Which makes me sad sometimes because they are not any less important. And I feel I was so wrapped up in my heart I never prayed for God to reveal their gender to me or a name to remember them by. I was so hurt, and unable to function at times emotionally. I am SO thankful God was able to hold you in his arms while mommy went through this awful time.

Then we got our Matthew and he has been the light of our world, but also a struggle at many moments. I wonder if you kiddos would look like him, act like him, have the Hillard scowl marks, or the Purdey mole on your foot. I wonder and dream. Quite often.

And I look at big brother and little brother shirts for Matthew, and debate about getting them for him. As a discussion piece. As a way for him to know you better.

Sometimes I wonder if he can see you guys, like the old ladies at work that tell me my children are beautiful. Sometimes he smiles at things I cannot see and I know it is something heavenly, and that leaves you up for grabs.

After Matthew we had one suspected ectopic. A surprise that made me wish I wasn't pregnant at that moment followed by acceptance and excitement. And yet again disappointment and regret for my emotions in the beginning.

To all 7 of my children, the 6 in heaven and the one lying next to me. Never wonder if you are loved. Because you are. Unceasingly, without end. Do not double. I loved you before I met you, I loved you before you were conceived, and I love you more each and every day.

My hope in my suffering and loss here on earth is that in heaven some woman that experienced infertility is able to hold you tight and help keep watch over you until Momma gets there and can squeeze you and fall in love with you all over again.