Oh Boy.

This afternoon my OB's office called. And the phone nurse said I needed to repeat my beta hcg. I told her I was already miscarrying, that I started Saturday. She hadn't looked at my chart clearly, because she asked, "Do you have a history of losses?"

"Yup, this is my 7th loss."

"Have you seen anyone about this?"

"Not since we had Matthew."

"Is this your first loss since him?"

"No, I had a suspected ectopic in June."

"Oh, OK I will make sure your chart is updated."

Oiy! If I start to have regular period again I will probably go in for a visit, to have them check my progesterone levels to see what they are.

Not going to lie part of me would love to go see the Doctor that Toni and Lisa went to in Chicago to see if I have more going against me than what we are already aware of. And I think that will be our plan if by the time Matthew is 2 we do not have another baby.

I know I am blessed to have Matthew, and I feel like people may think I am selfish/crazy for wanting more than one after what all we went through. But if God brings me to it, He will bring me through it. And my heart and soul would LOVE to experience pregnancy again, I want a house full of kids.

But instead we are filling up God's lap with multiple babies we haven't got to meet yet. *sigh* one day we will though, and I cannot tell you how much joy that brings to me to think about meeting my babies.

Seven. Seven losses. Seven beautiful babies. How is it that I am a mother of eight children, at the age of 25 but have only got to hold one in my arms.

I joke, but it seems in order to have the four children we wished for we would have a family bigger than the Duggars in Heaven. Let God's will be my will, and help us to accept what we are handed. May God help my womb be accepting to the next pregnancy, and for my body to be as hospitable as it can be to my future baby.

And may Matthew never question or wonder if he was wanted, loved, or prayed for.