Heart is Heavy.

Lately I have been trying to fill my heart with worship. I just have this ache. As I see babies, or pregnant bellies. Those TTC, and thinking and hoping for them that they won't have a struggle...yet having a small bit of me turn green with jealousy as I say that prayer.

I will NOT turn bitter. But that doesn't mean I won't be sad. It doesn't mean I cannot take time to grieve.

It is a delicate balance. I want to yell at God, "WHY ME? Why AGAIN?" But then there is a part that gently sighs, shrugs shoulders and say, "The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away." And the only thing that stays the same, is the ache in my heart and the tears that run down my cheeks.

And then there is Matthew. Our little miracle who just nursed himself to sleep on my lap.

Awhile back someone was angry in a comment and basically asked why I would want take away this one on one time with Matthew. Why take away this breastfeeding. Blah blah blah.

I just want him to have siblings. To grow up in a home where he can have fun every night of the week, with brothers and/or sisters. To watch them grow together, love each other, and be able to parent side by side when they grow up.

I don't care when it happens. But these past 2 losses have started a fire within me to become pregnant again with another healthy baby. I want to bring home another baby from the hospital. I want to feel a kick from within. I want to see a heartbeat on my ultrasound.

I want. I want to have them close in age. I want to tandem breastfeed. I want to not have to experience loss after loss after loss.

What I want, what WE want as a husband and wife...but our wants aren't always what God has in store for us.

Sometimes he says No, Not now, just wait. And sometimes he miraculously says Yes, dear child it is time. And I am hoping that Yes will come soon, rather than later.

But for now, in this waiting my heart is heavy.