Jesus Wept.

Note: I wrote this on Oct 31st but it never posted. And now Matthew's birthday party is TOMORROW...where has the time gone? He wont officially be 1 until the 24th but to think a year has almost already passed is unfathomable....how did that happen so quickly?

The shortest verse in the Bible. I cannot even remember the book or verse number at the moment, but I know it for sure: Jesus Wept.

And I think that is exactly what happened the other day. We sat and we cried. Together. I was looking at my Sept/Oct Stepping Stones paper, and I just cried. Matthew played quietly and I wept. Over the pain of infertility, loss, and just the things of this world that do not seem fair or right.

Emotional, that would be the one word to sum me up lately. Emotional eater. Emotionally - sad, depressed, and just feeling the blue. Grieving still, most likely. I told a classmate I felt blah, and she asked me, "why?" And she knew about my loss. It is how easily the world forgets about things that truly impact those we know.

Oiy! My heart today was so saddened leaving Matthew today I wish I could just squeeze him and hold him tight and not let go. How is he already 11 months old? How am I missing his first Halloween? We are celebrating his birthday next Saturday and I feel unprepared both literally and emotionally. How is my baby becoming a toddler already? Didnt we just get to see the first ultrasound, hear his heart beat on the Doppler? Didn't I just get to feel the first kick I thought I would never feel?

How did this time pass by so quickly. why didn't I take more photos? More video to remember this precious memories. My heart aches at the possibility of never getting to experience this again. But as I wept with Jesus I truly felt him say that one day we will have another baby. A girl. But that could be my heart just crying out to him and pouring my hearts desires out to him.

James and I have talked if we get to do foster care the possibility of breastfeeding a newborn. Because that is one thing my body can actually do right. I can make the milk but not keep the babies. What a crazy body!

*sigh* so today in this glum rainy weather I am headed to clinical, with the possibility of watching babies be born. May it be good healing moments for my soul.