Do I move? Or do I just stay here and continue to be honest with myself and my emotions? I can leave negativity towards the one who was reading without my knowledge out. Yet, then there is my privacy. Here is the place I spew my every emotion. Good, bad, and ugly. Yes it is for the world to see. The world of those who choose to read it because they have compassion and understanding of the infertile woman. Because they have walked her shoes, because they know someone close to them that goes through these emotions, or simply because they cannot imagine such a thing happening to them. Maybe they are beginning their ttc journey and want to be prepared for what can happen. Maybe they experienced an unfortunate loss. Either way they know the roller coaster of emotions that life can have.
Do I switch locations and stop writing for my current readers? Do I lose the companionship that I have. Knowing that blogs like The Angry Uterus, I think it is time, Life's a Dance, My Journey Through TTC...So Far, and The Pursuit of Pregnancy are written by amazing women that have walked beside me in this time of uncertainty and uneven footing? And what about those in real life that I did chose to share it with? One friend that has lost a baby. Friends that have been there for me, and that I bare my heart to every day. Ones that were there to hold me up when I miscarried. That saw the raw emotion of tears that wouldn't stop coming. That saw the pain on my face as I took cytotec and knew the pain in my heart as I took the pill that would abort my child because God decided it was time for them to come home.
Did I want family to read this blog? Only one, my sister. It is how I told her about my miscarriage. And keep her informed when she is in school and we both have wacky schedules. Because truth is, I miss her when we don't see each other or make time to speak at least once a week. Though, other than that, did I want family to read this? Absolutely not. This is the place I was going to share my excitement of any future BFP before we told family. At least I wanted that to be an option.
This is the place I talk about disgusting things like BV and cervical fluid. When we BD. When I ovulate. When I have different blood tests. A place that when I get emotions too raw to keep inside I am able to spew all emotions onto the screen. I thought this was a place where I could write to my hearts content about the messy journey through ttc, miscarriage, and infertility and one day move onto a pregnancy blog with all things personal posted without fear of being judged or viewed as overly harsh and cynical.
Should I keep negative opinions to myself. Probably. Am I human? Absolutely. Unchristian? I love God but I still fall down. Yes, I spew venom at times. But Jesus knew it would be hard to tame the tongue. Yes, I struggle with jealousy, with envy, with unforgiving grudges. I work on it. There are days that it is going to seem like I am not. There are days when I feel like I do not want to. I am a sinner. I overeat, I sometimes judge those who drink vicariously into a drunken stupor. I am lazy with the body God gave me. I go in spurts of not reading my Bible. Currently I do not have a Church that I would call my home. I am working on it. But, anyone that sins knows that it is a slippery slope.
Guess what else? I will listen. Even when I get annoyed. Especially if it isn't a place where I can tell you what is on my mind. To be honest it is because in the past I have avoided confrontation. It is a fault of mine. One that I will be working on in the future. Confronting people with love. That is what my devotion today was about. That you do not truly love the people you do not confront. Or those that you confront in anger.
Yet my main question is, what is the point of not letting me know you are following? What is the point of following a blog if you are not going to comment at least ONCE on the person's blog? Or if you know me in real life but stumble upon it....why not tell me in a comment? I have it so anyone can post a comment for that reason.
For now, I do have another blog set up. But I do not know if this blog or that one I created yesterday will be deleted from cyberspace.
That is it for today on that subject.
But what about MY Update? The doctor said that the elevated glucose could be a sign of a diabetic issue. Therefore within the next week and a half I will have a repeat glucose test done. If I have conceived it will be the same as the one that is done at the 20 week mark. If I haven't conceived it will be a little different. Praying for the tests to be done in my prenatal labs.
Symptoms? Strong smelling urine (even though I have drank TONS of water..could be a side effect of pregnancy or of BV --which should be cured by now even though I am on day 5 of 7). Sore boobies (the cat put her paw on them and I wanted to rip her paw off...AND I have to wear a sports bra instead of going aue natural while sleeping or upon rising. Nips only hurt when touched). Bigger ta-tas. (For real. I thought I noticed it, then James did.) Frequent Urination (could be because I drank more water trying to get the smelly urine to go away! lol). Occasional cramping. Tiredness. HEADACHES. Pimples are clearing up.
Who knows? To be honest I took a test today at 7dpo. Stupid because I knew I would see a BFN. But with symptoms I am hopeful. I thought I saw a faint line, but I am sure it was just the evap line/collection site for the glorious second pink line. I mostly took it today because it is the one day that I will have for sure a 8 hour hold of urine in the early testing period.
I am sleepy. But I did exercise today with James, cook lunch, and get two loads of laundry done. Time to tackle dishes before showering before my nap.
Let me know what you all are thinking about this.
♥ Jess
I think it's a good way to warn unsuspecting readers and continue to give your updates. We all love and support you on here. You are human and you do have feelings and we all struggle with periods where it may seem like we aren't being nice or whatever it may be, but you try and that's all Jesus expects us to do is try to be like him on a daily basis and work at it. He knew we weren't perfect or never will be but he otok that chance with us and loves us no matter what!
ReplyDeleteFirst and foremost, Your symptoms sound promising!!!! I'm sooooo praying for you hun.
ReplyDeleteNow, do what YOUR heart tells you is best. I, personally have decided to leave mine up...knowing that people out there that I don't want to know a single thing read it. I have learn to let that go, and realize this is my public journal, my venting place and no one will take that from me. I know now that I can't post that BFP immediately if I get it. I will have to let family know, because I don't want them finding out by word of mouth from "those" readers. I know that I live publicly with my ttc journey, and I feel sorry for those who feel the need to stalk me, and start rumors. I know that it is a difficult decision, don't let anyone sway you one way or the other. This is FOR YOU, this is YOUR journey and you need to feel utmost comfort and stress-less (if that is a word lol) I hope to still follow your journey, whether it be here or another place. Keep your chin up, this is YOUR journey, YOUR blog, YOUR true emotions, and this is YOUR gift to others like me. Thank you for all your support, and BABY DUST TO YOU!!!!!
I personally think you are an amazingly strong woman for sharing your journey with the world. And this blog has become an important part of your journey through infertility and miscarriage, without it, I can bet it would be an even more difficult journey. You receive support from those who have been where you are. Don't let others discourage you and make you feel even worse than the pain you experience on a daily basis. I love you chica but I don't know your pain and you need people who understand where you come from even if they are out in cyberspace, it is a support group that helps you to keep going and know there is hope. The decision is ultimately yours and I know you will do what is right in your heart.
ReplyDeleteI am praying constantly for your symptoms to turn out to be the miracle you and James have been waiting for. You are going to be an amazing mom :)
Love love love you!
Awe, sorry about the BFN. Yeah, I totally would have done the same thing... then I would have been sooo upset and disappointed about the negative. lol Yeah, I'm stupid that way. (insert rolling eyes) I think the bigger girls, and the increase pee is are good signs. :) I read somewhere that progesterone is a natural diuretic, so if you are peeing buckets then I think it's a good sign. ;) BTW, extreme fatigue was my first sign. Like you I needed a nap in the middle of the day, then still went to bed early and woke up late (and didn't feel like I slept at all). Nausea didn't set in until 6-8 weeks, then it lasted until about 12 (for me). Good luck!! :D
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you haven't deleted yet. I wanted to tell you, there is a setting to make the blog private (well, password permitted and you can give the password out to whomever you choose or keep the blog private.
I hope you stay because I'm sure you are helping a lot of people! I love reading your posts. You are very open and honest, which a lot of people are not. Your symptoms sound awesome - come on BFP!!
ReplyDeleteI hope you stay, I feel that we all help each other get through this (or a bad day). Your symptoms sound very promising and hope everything turns out for the best for you.
ReplyDeleteThank you ladies. I think I have made my choice to stay. If I do decide to switch urls you should all be set because you follow me. The culprit has promised to stop. And I am going to trust it. If she breaks the promise...it will be on her not on me. I saw a quote from long ago that I liked, it said..."People are going to talk, you might as well give them something to talk about." And it is true.
ReplyDeleteLove all of you ladies, thank you for following my journey and lifting me up when I am feeling down. Thank you for not getting annoyed with my symptom spotting and most of all, thank you for sharing your hearts! ♥
Other then my DH whom I am certain is following my blog without my approval, I am certain there are other people out there who are likely reading my blog as well, such as my exhusband. Up until recently this bothered me. Now it's sort of like, really?? Its been like eight years and you really still have nothing better to do then this??
ReplyDelete